Junctioner: Hylianis - Radiant Echoes (M)

oh wow. fantastic job! I think you've fixed everything I can find.

Yeah, I decided that after looking at the original version, I could've put in much the same information in a different manner. As the doctor is unimportant to the story, I decided to get rid of much of his original dialogue, and since I needed to fill the void left behind by his lack of dialogue, I threw in some backstory in there as well.

I'm glad you enjoy the revised version. If you see anything else that needs fixing, let me know. :3

yup, will do...whenever I get around to reading the rest of it XD

Just to let you guys know, Chapter V has been edited.

Thank you guys for waiting. I had a massive amount of writer's block with this chapter.

Chapter VIII

I stared at his hand as I crossed my arms over my chest. Though his intentions seemed noble enough, I couldn't help but feel suspicious of him. After all, how was I to know that he didn't hold some ulterior motive? The memory of my run-in with the strange elf in green played vividly in my mind. I remembered his words to me before falling unconscious that fateful eve....

"You are not yet ready for this, Arameda...."

Just what exactly did he mean? What was I not ready for? As these thoughts went through my mind, I could hear him chuckle.

"So you remember that, do you?" He asked me.

I tore myself away from my thoughts and gave him a cold look.

"What are you talking about?"

"Just now... you were thinking about what I said to you before I fully awakened."

I glared at him. Just what was he insinuating? That he was the figure I had been seeing? At that very thought, my eyes widened in disbelief.

"What are you saying? That you're... you're...." He nodded.

"Yes... that is me."

I backed away, incredulous to what I was hearing.

"No...," I said, shaking my head, "It can't be... you're not real, you're-"

"If I am not real, then how are you still standing here? How is it that you bear the mark of the Triforce on your hand?"

I gazed down at my own hand, seeing the mark shine with a golden light. I felt my knees buckle under me as I fell into the knee-deep waters. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the same mark shimmer on the back of his hand. As he got up from the base of the tree, I gave him a fearful expression.

"Stay away!" I shouted, "Don't come any closer!"

He stopped in his tracks and spoke once more.

"I mean you no harm, but if that is what you want...."

He turned and walked over to where he sat. As he did so, the world around me shifted back to the reality of the island. I could only stare at my new form in sadness as a storm brewed in the skies above.

---

This was turning out quite poorly. For the past hour, I had been wading in and out of the ocean, trying to catch a fish. I continued to lunge at the water, hoping to catch something soon; hunger was beginning to set in. Above the island, a storm continued to brew, and I definitely wanted to catch something soon before rain set in. As I leaped at the water once more, I groaned in frustration as another fish escaped my fingers. That was when I heard an all too familiar laugh.

You look like you're having a bit of trouble there, I heard the creature's voice say in my mind.

I groaned at the voice in a frustrated manner.

"Stop laughing at me! I've never caught a fish before!" I yelled, "I just want something to eat, dammit!"

Would you like some help?

I blinked.

"How, pray tell, would you be able to help me catch a fish?"

I happen to be well-versed in the art of fishing, my dear. If you keep up what you're doing, you're going to scare all the fish away.

I snorted.

"Okay, let me see you catch a fish, *******!" Upon my saying that, I felt control of my body get torn away from me as the creature took over.

"With pleasure," He said as an empty bottle manifested in his... my... our hand.

It was an eerie feeling; through I was not in control of my body at the moment, I could still feel my body as well as see everything that was going on. Terror and panic gripped my thoughts; I did not want to relive the events that happened on the Aurora Night again. As I struggled to regain control of my body, he laughed.

No! I shouted, What are you doing?! Stop it!

"There's no need to get upset with me," He said in my voice, "I'm just going to show you how to catch a fish and then you can have control back."

You son of a *****! I shouted, Let go! Get out of my body! Get out get out get out get out!

He ignored me as "I" stood over the water. I could feel him watch every movement in the water keenly. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a medium-sized fish begin to swim our way. For the longest of time, he stood there, waiting for the fish to approach.

"Patience is the key," He said in a whisper, "Let the fish come to you. Don't try to chase them, it almost never works out." I blinked.

As the fish swam between my feet, I watched as he snatched the fish into the bottle with lightning reflexes. He corked the bottle and held it up in front of my face at eye level. In that same instant, I felt control of my body return to me. He receded into the back of my mind with a smile.

There you go. I hope you learned something.

I blinked once more, unsure of what to make of this situation. Did he... just do something nice for me?

"...Thanks," I said, still unsure of what else to say.

Don't mention it.

---

Outside, a rainstorm let loose a torrential downpour on the island. I remained huddled in a small cavern I had just recently discovered, cooking my fish over a makeshift fire. It was amazing in some regards, due to how long it had taken me to build it. I had nearly given up several times, groaning in frustration when my pieces of flint wouldn't spark the fire. There were moments when I vaguely wondered how long it took prehistoric cavemen to do this same task. As I sat there eating my fish, the harsh reality of my situation finally hit me.

Before all of this had happened, I was on my way to San Francisco. It all seemed so simple, then; go back to San Francisco, and then make my way northward toward home with my grandfather. Yet here I was, marooned on a deserted island out in the middle of nowhere. I was trapped in an alien body, and a host to something, as well as someone, I never knew existed. As I wrapped my arms around my scaly body, I began to wonder- would I ever be able to return to normal? I knew not how this transformation had occured, nor did I know how I had become a host to this being within me.

Perhaps he had helped me catch that fish. Beyond that, however, I knew nothing of this being... and I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Was he simply trying to lull me into a false state of complacency? Or did he have some other sinister intention?

When will you understand that I have no intention of hurting you? He said, I cannot hurt you, you know.

"Bull****," I retorted, "You know, I'm not in the mood for your crap tonight. Why don't you go crawl back to where ever it is that you came from... and leave me alone?"

I cannot leave. I am bound to you.

I blinked.

"What do you mean 'bound'?"

You and I are spiritually connected now. Within your body flows my power, my essence. If I were to be removed from your body, it would be a death sentence to us both.

My eyes widened.

"So what are you saying? That I'm stuck with you for the rest of my life?"

At the very least, yes.

"...You're lying. You are so lying!"

Do you think I would be talking to you if I was, Arameda?

I clenched my fist in anger.

"Why do you keep calling me that? I have a name, and that's not it!"

Forgive me, I didn't mean to offend you... what would you like to be called?

"Mireiyu... My name's Mireiyu...."

I see... I could hear him trail off slightly, as if pondering the information he had just received.

"Is something wrong?"

No. It's just that you remind me of someone I met long ago. Anyway... suppose it's only polite I give my name in return. My name is Link....

In that moment, I felt all frustration fade away. It was like some wall between him and I had cracked slightly. I sat there for several minutes, shivering and regarding the nauseating dryness permeating my skin.

Find a pool of water to sit in for a while. It'll make the dryness go away.

Still apprehensive, I decided to give his advice a chance. In the corner of my eye, I spotted a large pool of water near the back of the cavern. I slowly got up from where I sat and laid down in it. As I rested in the pool of water, that nauseating feeling left my body.

This must be very strange for you.

I nodded.

Back in my world, Zoras used to live in the rivers of my home, Hyrule. If they didn't have access to a water source to swim in, they would become sick.

I regarded his information with a deep sadness. So was that what I was? A... Zora?

Well, it's getting late. Why don't we call it a day? We can talk again tomorrow.

I could barely nod before drifting to sleep.

Ooh, love the new chapter!

And it's okay about the wait, it wasn't too horribly long - plus I'm positive it was worthwhile!

Originally Posted by zeldafan10101

Ooh, love the new chapter!

And it's okay about the wait, it wasn't too horribly long - plus I'm positive it was worthwhile!

I'm glad you say so. I had to rewrite that chapter roughly 3-4 times before I was satisfied with it. I felt I was trying to get into certain parts of the story way to soon.

Oh, and just to let you guys know, I've edited the prologue. It should definitely sound better now.

So, critique. Yeah. before I start I feel the need to point out that most of my critique is me being anally retentive to an absurd degree and most people that do not have an incredibly obsessive personality won't actually give a flying rat's arse about the stuff I'm pointing out.

Also note that nearly all of the stuff I'm pointing out are minor language errors and given the fact that my English is far from perfect itself there's bound to be a few things that I point out as errors that turn out to not be errors at all.

Anyway, for every error, I'll be quoting the sentence or sentence fragment in which it happened, bold the error if applicable, and mention what is wrong with it.

Prologue:

blissfully unaware of the shadows lurking in the darkness
Shadows are dark areas, and actually cannot exist in a completely dark place, so shadows lurking in he darkness is actually impossible.

memories surfaced in my mind- of swimming through the ocean in an alien body
I'm not sure on this one, but I believe there should be a space before the dash as well as after it.

It is often said that with power comes great responsibility
I believe the more proper version is "with great power comes great responsibility".

As I pull out a sword from my back
That kinda makes it sound like there was a sword embedded in her back.

A question I was asked by the Goddess of Hyrule themselves
Should be Goddesses.

I closed my eyes...and remembered.
Not sure, but I think there should be a space after ellipsis.

I slowly got back onto my feet and looked around the void, hoping to find something else here.
Should probably be there

"I don't understand," I said
Given the circumstances, I'd expect her to say something less coherent. I mean, how does she know the Goddesses are talking to her in the first place?

I certainly wasn't assured by these strange circumstances.
Seems kinda obvious to me.

Stars, suns, and entire planets became blackened husts of their former selves
*husks

Shortly afterward, images of deformed and grotesquely mishapen monstrosities flashed before my eyes.
*misshapen
(and according to my spell check, afterwards)

Now I was even more confused and frightened.
Once again, this kinda feels like pointing out the obvious to me.

Chapter I

ancient Japanese castles dotting the moonlit horizon
While I've never really been in Japan (let alone ancient Japan, obviously), I really kinda doubt that castles would dot the horizon. I'd be surprised if you could see more than two at any place, to be honest.

no more than maybe a few years older than myself
Isn't really saying much given the fact that at this point you still haven't told how old the main character is. Also, the maybe kinda bothers me though I'm not entirely sure why.

a crimson hakama, which was fastened to her waist by a matching obi
I have no idea what a hakama or an obi is, and I figure I'm not the only one.

while determined green eyes peered down the road in front of her
Green eyes, I believe, are practically non-existent in Japan.

Was she some sort of traveling miko
If I recall correctly, a miko is a shrine maiden. I don't think a lot of people will know this, though. Also, my spell check insists on travelling.

She looked around, eying all moment around her
*eyeing
*movement

Chapter II

For all hints and purposes
*intents

At least several times a year, it would carry hundreds of thousands of passengers across the Pacific to their destination
That's the population of a major city. The largest ship in the world when it will be finished will have a capacity of 5,400 people, so the Aurora Night is unrealistically huge (not to mention, I really don't expect that many people to travel across the Pacific several times a year by boat)

I envisioned the cinderblock in front of me beginning to levitate off the dusty floor
*cinder block

She was right. She was totally right. I absorbed everything she said with a mind numbing clarity. At that moment, I finally removed the rose-tinted glasses of failure and perfectionism
Rose-tinted glasses make everything seem better than it actually is. Mireiyu seems to be doing the exact opposite of that.

A small pair of eyeglasses rested on his nose
I think just plain glasses works just as well here. :>

As a suffocating feeling over came me
Should be one word.

As he continued to speak, I made a startling realization. His language was the same language those three golden figures spoke
How does she know this? It's hard to tell languages apart if you're unfamiliar with them.

Chapter IV

A returned a tired smile of my own as I gratefully took the bag from him
*I

Chapter VI

You are one of the few souls of your world that possess the Soul-Gatherer's light
I think possesses would be more correct here.

I continued to frantically search for Beano.Amidst the pain, I began to feel nauseated.
Should be a space after that full stop (I said I was going to be anally retentive, a dammit, I will be. :3 )

I felt as though my body were being torn apart from within
*was

"The who-"
Doesn't really make sense as the opening of a sentence.

Chapter VII

It felt as though this power were tearing my body apart from within
*was


Right, now that I'm done with being an annoying git:

I really love the story. I like the idea of it not being set in the world of Zelda but in the real world. It's a nice refreshing idea, I think. It also manages to catch my attention and do that whole thingy where I really want to know how it continues. So yeah, please continue. :>

I do have two very minor issues with the story: first of all, it's never really explained what Beano's relation to Mireiyu. Friend? Boyfriend? Acquaintance? Extended family? Secondly, you seem to switch around between present and past tense a lot. Doesn't really make sense to me.

Originally Posted by zeldafan10101

I don't think this is madness - I think this the work of a genius!

One does not exclude the other. :3

Originally Posted by Veyrael

And now we begin Arc II of Junctioner. Let me just say that things are going to get quite fishy for a bit. Literally. >:3

That is always a good thing as far as I'm concerned. :3

Without futher adieu...

... Since I'm in anally retentive mode anyway:

the correct phrase is "Without further ado". :3

Wow...

I know there's a lot of critiqing to writing...but...pointing out all those errors just seems harsh

Then again, truth is truth.

Keep up the good work, Vey!

Originally Posted by zeldafan10101

Wow...

I know there's a lot of critiqing to writing...but...pointing out all those errors just seems harsh

Then again, truth is truth.

Keep up the good work, Vey!

Believe it or not, zeldafan, he's actually doing me a favor. It may seem harsh of him to do that, but unless people tell me what needs to be fixed, they cannot be fixed. As a writer, one must take all forms of criticism, both good and bad. Since Junctioner is in more-or-less a revision stage at the moment, this gives me more stuff to work out. Really, I love it when people tell me what needs to be reworked in a story. I want to make this the best twisted story ever, but as I'm only human, I'm not always able to detect what bugs need to be worked out in the story. Even if it seems harsh, what he's giving me now is nice compared to what you'll get out in the real world.

And wow. Thanks a bunch, Sturgeon! Granted, I don't really see where I was switching tenses; it was probably an accident on my part while conveying Mireiyu's thoughts in the story. As far as Beano is concerned, he's actually a friend of the family who was there to chaperone Mireiyu on her way back to the States. I didn't really go too deeply into that because he is a minor character to the story, but I can always go back and rework that in there. I'll go back and take a peek at those chapters and do some reworking with the sentencing as well. I'm glad you enjoyed my twisted little tale, either way! :3

Oh, I know! I'm agreeing with you in saying that if you don't know, then you can't fix things.

But, you know, just me. If someone pointed out all those errors to me on my fanfic, I'd be like... "Thanks!" you know?



And by the way...when's the new chapter coming out?

I don't mean to rush you, but it's just so intriging!

Originally Posted by zeldafan10101

Oh, I know! I'm agreeing with you in saying that if you don't know, then you can't fix things.

But, you know, just me. If someone pointed out all those errors to me on my fanfic, I'd be like... "Thanks!" you know?



And by the way...when's the new chapter coming out?

I don't mean to rush you, but it's just so intriging!

One, I hate to sound all modly, but please don't double post. Use the edit feature next time.

Second, if that's the case, then you're taking it too personally. Granted, it is at times hard for me to hear what needs to be fixed, but on the other hand, if I don't listen, then I won't improve. Even if they're listing a hundred mistakes, you at least have to listen to what they're saying and give it its due attention. As much as I love this story, it is just a story, and not my cat Boomerang. (She's an awesome kitty! I don't care what you guys say about her! She's my kittypoofs, mine, I tell you!)

Third, as I said before, Junctioner is in a revision stage right now. As soon as the details in the earlier chapters have been finely tweaked and revised, we shall see a new chapter. Oh, and whenever I kill writer's block. Die, writer's block, die!

Sorry...I'll keep in mind to do that.

And, okay! I got'cha.

Also, I know that I can be a bit too talkative, so I'll stop commenting...

I went ahead and made changes to all of those areas you mentioned, Sturgeon. This should be a lot better now.

Expect the next chapter soon.

Chapter IX

In the midst of a thickening haze, I watched as an image began to form. It was of a familiar sight; Shinto shrines were everywhere in Japan. This one was especially austere. The torii gate was unpainted, its only decoration a simple rope with charms hanging from it. As the vision became clearer, I could make out stone lanterns lining a forested pathway toward the shrine within.

Beyond a second torii gate guarded by small statues, I watched a woman kneel in prayer. Long black hair, almost as dark as my own used to be, flowed down her back. As I gazed at the eerily familiar kimono and hakama she wore, a revelation came to me.

This was the same shrine maiden I saw many weeks ago, when I first awakened on the Aurora Night.

The light of the candles on the altar illuminated her face, making her appear calm and serene. Wordlessly, her lips moved, uttering her prayers to the kami spirits in silence. That was, until the sounds of a silver bell rang in the air. A sudden breeze blew through the shrine, snuffing out the candles. As I watched her eyes snap open in surprise, only one thought crossed my mind.

Had she somehow called forth a kami spirit to the shrine?

She raced to her feet, wary eyes darting all around her. A strange light manifested over the altar in front of her, hovering over the now darkened candles. Her expression became even more confused as she approached the altar.

"What is this...?" She asked, "Has the Goddess answered my prayers?"

As she reached for the light, a blinding light flashed. I heard the miko cry out in surprise as she was thrown back. When the light faded, three familiar figures stood before her. Her expression turned to shock as the trinity approached her. As the world around me turned white, I heard only one thing.

Mireiyu....

---

Mireiyu!

I bolted forward, trying my hardest to resist the urge to scream. My heart continued to pound in my chest as I continued to pant. As my fingers touched my scaly flesh, I could only gaze at my body in sadness as I remembered my grim reality. This body was still quite alien to me; truly, I didn't know what a 'Zora' really was... or what they were capable of. Before I could ponder this form any further, the sound of thunder rumbling tore me from my thoughts. I nearly jumped out of the pool of water as I saw lightning flash in the sky. As I looked outside, I watched as a torrential downpour pelted the island. I had heard of tropical storms, but this... was insane.

Come....

If I still had hairs on my body, they would be standing up on end. I sighed as the sound of Link's voice continued to resonate in my thoughts, reminding me that I was not truly alone.

"Come where?" I asked.

To the ocean.

"But it's still night out...."

I have a lot to teach you, Mireiyu. I know you have a lot of questions, but I promise you, I will explain everything once we head out into the ocean.

"Why are we heading to the ocean?"

For swimming lessons.

I blinked.

"Look, I already know how to swim...."

There's more to being a Zora than just swimming.

"What do you mean?"

You'll find out when we get there. Now come on, we're wasting time here. Let's go!

I sighed as I walked out of the cavern and into the downpour outside.

---

A flurry of emotions sped through my mind as I continued to swim through the ocean. On one hand, I felt excitement at the fact that I was now able to race through the water at speeds I had never thought humanly possible. Granted, I was still a clumsy swimmer at this point, but for the first time since awakening in this form, I began to see a benefit to it. At the same time, however, I felt a pervading sadness that refused to subside. The fact that I didn't need to surface for air only served to remind me that I was no longer human. At that very thought, I swam to the surface.

Gazing off into the horizon, I could only see a vast expanse of ocean in front of me. I wondered how my grandfather was doing... I wanted to see him so badly. If news of the demise of the Aurora Night made it to the mainland, then I could only imagine what he must have felt. The very thought brought tears to my eyes.

You miss him greatly, don't you? Link asked.

As I nodded in response, I could no longer hold back my emotions. I wept as the storm above us continued to rage.

"I am all he has left...," I said, "He probably thinks I've died along with everyone else on board...."

Mireiyu....

"I want to see him again so badly... I want to tell him that I'm still alive, but I don't know how to get back to San Francisco...."

Surely this 'San Francisco' can't be that far, can it?

I rubbed my temples as I felt my frustration grow.

"It's probably thousands of miles away! Not to mention my chances of making through the bay area is next to impossible!"

Really now, Link said incredulously, Why's that?

"Because they'll probably think I'm an alien wanting to suck their brains out once they see me like this...."

That was when I heard him laugh. I growled in anger.

"That was not funny!" I exclaimed.

I never said it was, he replied, Mireiyu, would you like to know a secret?

"And just what would that be?"

This is not my true form, either.

"...What?"

I told you before. I am not truly a Zora. It is by the power of one of my masks that we're in this form- a mask I obtained during one of my adventures as the Hero of Time.

Now it was my turn to laugh.

"...You are so full of ****."

How else, then, would you be in the form of a Zora?

"...Those three nice ladies who put me on trial did it?"

The Goddesses are not like that!

I rolled my eyes.

"Okay, if it really is a mask, then get it off my face!"

I'm afraid I can't do that.

"And why not?"

It's really hard to explain; technically, my spirit is wearing the mask. Honestly, I have no idea why you've changed shape as well...gah, I wish Zelda was here, she'd be able to explain this better than me..., He sighed before continuing, my guess is that it has to do with our bond; what happens to me... happens to you. Since I'm wearing the mask, its magick is affecting you as well, or something to that effect....

"So you're saying it's magick that did this."

I think so.

I groaned while clenching my teeth in anger.

"Okay, so... take it off."

No.

"Why?"

Because we'll drown. I put this mask on to save us. If it weren't for this form, we would have been dead long ago.

"'We'?"

We share the same body now! Did you not understand what I said to you last night?!

"Maybe if you weren't trying to fool me-"

That was when I heard him scream with anger.

That... is the most ridiculous thing I've heard you say yet! Why I-

The sound of an inhuman roar from below interrupted our argument. Before I could say anything more, I watched something monstrous surface. I felt a burning sensation on my left hand. As the creature dove underwater, I heard Link's voice scream at me.

Run!

Wow...I should've read this eariler. Amaing. The chapters get better and better each time.

So yeah, I thought I'd come back and do some more critiquing nitpicking!

And against all odds I've managed to be even more anal-retentive this time around.

(For the record, If I'm being too anal-retentive, feel free to tell me so. :> )



Anyway:


Prologue

"We shall grant you our Chosen's power, o fledgling Aeon." Aeon? What the hell where they-
An "Aeon" refers to a really long amount of time. And some kind of spirit thingy from a fairly obscure religion.

Chapter I

Between then were dense forests, as well as small settlements at the edges of these woods
*them

I could see that they were not crows at all, but grotesque, misshapen creatures that vaguely resembled actual crows themselves
Don't like the way the sentence runs. I'd get rid of "themselves", and maybe throw a "only" between "that" and "vaguely".

If I didn't know any better, I would have figured him to be from India or somewhere out in the Middle East
In what way does she know better?

Chapter II

while their guardians watched on with smiles on their faces.This
You forgot a space there.

I as well as another were on a return trip to San Francisco
Not sure if this structure is grammatically correct (though that might be a failure on my part, not sure). Though "were" should definitely be "was"

This was one of the few cruise ships today that still operate
*operated

So I bet you're wondering now
This seems to be the only point in the story where the narrator is directly talking to the audience.

Chapter III

He was a tall, African-American
Comma shouldn't be there.

However, he was a good friend of the family, despite himself
This sentence doesn't make sense. :<

From out of his bag, he pulled out a small Domo backpack
What exactly is a Domo backpack?

The rich aroma of exotic foods filled my nostrils as the sounds of mass peole talking filled the air
*people

like a spider dangling from a web in front of its prey
Do spiders actually do that?

Chapter IV

"Beano...I don't think you really have any idea the kind of day- and night- I've been having."
*what
(alternately, add "about" before "the")

Who was Arameda?
She does not know that Arameda refers to a person so she shouldn't specifically be asking who it is.

Chapter V

I made my way through the sea of white and blue walls and railings
The word "sea" kinda throws me off here given that she's at sea and for a moment I thought she actually made her way through the actual sea.

In all honesty, I didn't exactly see the merit in doing this, but I also wasn't a gamer, much less a fanatical one.
Don't really see the point in adding "in all honesty".

That strange force that I had been feeling returned with full force
I think the correct term is "in full force".

That was, until I saw his eyes open and his expression turn to one of anger.He
Forgot another space.

His flesh was blackened to the bone
Seems kinda like overkill.

Chapter VI

For the first time in weeks, I smiled
At several other points in the story so far has she smiled, so that kinda contradicts. :<

Chapter VII

At the very edge of my awareness was the elf-like figure in green.He
Forgot another space.

Palm trees dotted the beach as I noticed a small cavern in the distance
Technically, this sentence implies that palm trees didn't dot the beach before she noticed the cavern.

Now I was beginning to get angry and fed up.
Redundant. The "now" can be gotten rid off as well.

Chapter VIII

The memory of my run in with the strange elf in green played vividly in my mind
Should be a hyphen between run and in.

"Okay, let me see you catch a fish, *******!"
You need to learn how to avoid the swear filter. :3

I remained huddled in a small cavern I had just recently discovered
Didn't she notice the cavern right at the start?

Chapter IX

As my fingers touched my scaled flesh
*scaly

Outside, I watched as a torrential downpour pelted the island
Technically, you're saying Mireiyu is outside.

Since I'm wearing the mask, it's magick
*its

Also, is there a reason you're spelling magic with a k at the end? Doesn't really make any sense to me.


Also, Re: author notes, while this may be my personal preference rather than an actual something that can be improved, I would prefer to see the Author's notes at the start of each chapter. Seeing one of those *'s and looking up what it means kinda takes me out of the story.



Anyway, I'm still really enjoying reading this story. I wonder what that monster will turn out to be. :>

Okay, so since I'm so far behind, and I'm really not too keen on catching up on a prologue and nine chapters, I'm just going to critique each chapter as I read it, starting with the prologue.

Originally Posted by Veyrael

I watched from above cars race across the Golden Gate bridge

I get what you're saying here, but I think either you're missing a punctuation mark, or it needs rewording to be more clear. I had to read through it a couple times to see what you were saying. Unfortunately, the way it is, I'm not really sure what the punctuation is, if that's what it needs. Perhaps just rewording it would make it flow better.

As the light shimmered of the waters

I do believe you mean off the waters.

Most of all, of that fateful eve when everything finally changed.

Although you're clearly going for mystique with this intro, I'm not sure if the "finally" is appropriate in this sentence. Since we hardly know this character, saying "finally" seems out of place, and might confuse the reader. I sure don't know what it's talking about. There's a fine line between a mystically intrigued audience, and a confused one, and I think this might cross that line, though that's just my opinion. This is a really subjective concept anyways. Really small thing, I know, but just something I noticed.

In such a world as ours, you either possess power or you do not. Power is a double-edged sword

The flow is a little broken here, as I think the word "power" is used just one too many times. Try reading it out loud, and you might see how it would sound repetitive.

Like seven others besides myself, I too am the unfortunate recipient of power. Within my body flows the power of an otherworldly Hero.

Same deal here. Perhaps find a replacement word or two for power? Thesauruses are your friends.

There is no place that his power does not reach; it touches every aspect of my being- my heart, my mind, my blood...even my soul. When I received this power, it too came at a terrible price- it cost me my humanity. Though my heart is still human, I only bear a vague resemblance to the person I once was.

And now it's time to give credit where credit is due. This is very well written, I think. The flow and pacing of the sentence structure is very even. It gives just the right amount of mystique to intrigue the audience, but isn't overly confusing. Well done.

Oh, they were weak at first, but as I became older, the power became stronger. Power, however, becomes destructive when one cannot control it;

You need to find an alternative word to power, me thinks.

As I pull out a sword from the scabbard on my back, I gazed at my reflection and into a face I do and do not recognize.

I do believe there is a change of tense here.

No longer did I have just the weight of my own power crushing my spirit, but I now also had the weight of another's deeply entwined with my soul.

Odd. Firefox is telling me that "another's" is a misspelling, but I don't think so. Thought I'd mention it just in case though.

I was like a phoenix, a being burned by its own power only to rise again once more.

I think a semicolon would be more appropriate than a comma in this case.

Some days, I ask myself, "where did everything go wrong? Why was I the one cursed with this power?"

I could be wrong, but I think that the comma after days is unnecessary. Also, the "w" in "where" should be capitalized, as it is the beginning of the character's speech, even if not the beginning of the sentence.

Yet the answer is so simple...it stemmed from a simple question.

This is just really nitpicky, but there should be a space after an ellipsis.

My meeting with them was forever engrained into my memory, just as the Hero's power was engrained into my flesh.

Again, gotta give credit. This is well written. It flows very well, and just leaves the audience with a sense of epicness. I can tell that this story is going to shake the very foundations of the universe you've created.

Just as the thought crossed my mind, I landed with a thud on something solid. Whatever it was, I couldn't see; it was as though I was standing on thin air. I staggered to my feet as I tried to regain my bearings. I looked around the void, hoping to find something else there. All that met my gaze was the empty darkness.

Do you see how many times you used "I" in that paragraph? Now, you're writing from a first perspective, which gives you the disadvantage of having only a very small handful of pronouns with which to identify your character. This being the case, it is imperative that you don't overuse them. Reword your sentences, and shift your prose around so you identify yourself in a different manner each time. For example, instead of saying: "I looked around the void, hoping to find something else there. All that met my gaze was the empty darkness" say, "Looking around the void, hoping to find something else there, my gaze met by nothing but the empty darkness." This not only keeps your self-identifying pronouns down, but can often cut down how often you put periods and sentence breaks in.

"Wha...?" I muttered.

Again, a space after the ellipsis.

The voices continued to speak. As they spoke, I could vaguely make out my name being spoken.

Consult a thesaurus, me thinks. Although speak, spoke, and spoken are all different words, they still sound repetitive when said in such close proximity to each other. Say the sentence out loud and you'll see what I mean.

"Who's there?!" I asked, unassured by these circumstances.

Again, Firefox says this is misspelled, but I really don't believe it.

"Will you live? Or will you die?" I felt completely taken aback by their questions.

Again, this is really nitpicky, but it seems that these are two sentences. In which case, there should be a paragraph break after the quotation.

"What do you mean?" One of figures- a tall being with a red tinted aura- lifted her hands up into the air.

Again, these appear to be two different sentences to me, in which case you need the paragraph break after the quote. Also, I think you mean to have "the" in between "of" and "figures".

Above us, an image appeared. Visions of shadows unlike any I had seen before raged and snarled above us. Stars, suns, and entire planets became blackened husks of their former selves.

Excellent word choice here. Your imagery is fantastic, and really portrays what you're trying to get across to the reader.

"What are you saying? Are these...'demons' going to destroy the Earth?"

Again, space after the ellipsis. Also, if a "the" precedes "earth", it should be a lower case "e". However, if you remove "the", then the upper case "e" is permissible.

"You are one of the few souls of your world that possesses the Soul-Gatherer's light." My eyes widened.

This one I know is two sentences. Paragraph break after the quote.

Me? Possessing a 'light'? What the hell were they talking about?

"Stop..." I said between gasps of air, "Please...stop..."

Space after the ellipsis. Excepting of course it is followed by a quotation mark. Then I do believe that there is not supposed to be a space. However, the one after please needs a space following it.

I could see the eerie light that flared around it, glowing radiantly like a sun in the darkness of the night.

There is nothing grammatically wrong with this, but it just sounds odd. The sun is not out at night. There is no way that any of us can draw a comparison with a notion that is decidedly impossible. I would choose a different word. Space might be a better choice. We've all seen a picture of our sun floating in space, but seeing the sun at night just doesn't work. By definition, when the sun is out, it isn't night.

As I thought about it a little more, I realized that the light that surrounded the comet...and the light that snaked out of my body were very similar. Were they...one and the same? I cringed at the thought.

I'm not really sure if that first ellipsis is appropriate. It seems to me like a comma would work better there, but this is just a matter of personal taste. In any case, it needs a space after it. And as for the second one, you've finally got a space, you just put it before the ellipsis instead of after.

If I possessed such a light...what did that make me? Was I...even human?

These ellipses are lonely without their space brethren.

Only by combing your strength with that of our Chosen can you hope to drive it back from whence it came." I rubbed my temples in frustration.

I do believe you mean "combining", rather than "combing". Also, there should be a paragraph break after the quote.

"...What do you want from me?! Why did you bring me here?! Why do you keep telling me these things?! I don't understand any of this at all!" I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream.

I just thought I should warn you, that after all these ellipses needing spaces after them, this one doesn't, because it begins the sentence.

"It is not our desire to snuff out your life, mortal. But there is little time.

After your lush use of language before, "snuff out" seems oddly informal and out of place. Also, this should really be one sentence, with a comma after "mortal", rather than a period.

Make your choice now...or we shall make it for you." I was so terrified at this point.

I think you know what I'm going to say, but just in case: the ellipsis needs a space, and the quotation needs a paragraph break after it.

I also remembered my friends, who were eager to get together and have fun- but I also remembered other things.

Again, this informal language seems oddly out of place after the descriptive terms you've been using.

My parents laying near lifeless on a hospital bed, machines their only lifeline.

I do believe there are some missing commas in this sentence. The way I see it, it can go two ways. Either you can place one comma after "parents", or you can place two commas around "near lifeless". I do believe one or the other must be chosen though. There needs to be a pause somewhere in there. You choose which, depending on what part of the sentence you want to emphasize.

Planks of wood breaking apart before caving in. And items around my house moving without my knowledge.

I think this should be one sentence. Change the period after "in" to a comma. Although, you could be trying to separate these two ideas, and thus that's why you have a sentence break, rather than making it a compound sentence. So, just in case it isn't that, I guess I'll point it out anyways.

Yes...that's right.

Guessed what I'm going to say? You need a space after your ellipsis.

I possessed a power. How could I forget this power? It was a power I could not control...a power I wanted to be rid of.

Power power power. Although I think I know why you did this, if you read the sentences out loud, I think you'll see just how repetitive it is. Using the same word can have a very dramatic effect, but I think you're overusing it. Consult a thesaurus, would be my recommendation. Also, space after the ellipsis.

My lack of control of this ability was what put them in that bed. I am the reason they were in a coma. For this reason, I wasn't sure if I deserved to live.

Kudos. You found a way to slip some character development into what is an otherwise plot driven paragraph. This is really the best way to do things. If you can accomplish both in one fell swoop, it makes your story that much tighter and complete.

There were so many things I had yet to do, and so many things that still needed to be done. If I died...

If an ellipsis is placed at the end of a sentence, there should be a period following it. So you should actually have four dots here. Why do I know so much about ellipses you ask? I really wish I could tell you.

"[b]I.../b]I don't want to die," I said, "I want to live!" The light around the three figures faded, and I could see three golden women with auras tinted red, blue and green smiling at me.

Space after the ellipsis. Paragraph break after the quote.

"Then we shall honor your Courage, mortal." The red and blue figures approached me from behind, and held my arms.

Paragraph break after the quote.

Whatever they were...they were insansely strong.

First off, if this were me, I would have put a comma, rather than an ellipsis after "were", but that's just a matter of personal taste. In any case, you need a space after the ellipsis. Also, "insanely" is spelled wrong. There's only one "s" in it.

"We shall grant you our Chosen's power, o fledgling Aeon." Aeon? What the hell where they-

Paragraph break after the quote.

Before I could think about anything else, she held up the ball of light in her left hand, and thrust it and her hand into my chest.

I actually don't think the comma after "hand" is necessary. Try reading it out loud yourself, but I don't really sense a pause there. Could be just me though.

Alrighty, that's it for the prologue. I'll be back to do the others some other time.

Originally Posted by Veyrael

Between then were dense forests, as well as small settlements at the edges of these woods.

I do believe you mean "them", and not "then".

As the vision shifted and twisted itself, I could only ask myself one question-

I think a colon would work better than a hyphen. Though this is mostly a matter of personal taste.

Above me, I could now make out bright lights coming from above as disembodied voices spoke in quiet whispers-

Second "above" is redundant. One of them needs to be removed.

"I know you are there, demons. Come out and play." That was when I heard the sound of something screeching.

Paragraph break after the quote, please.

A black wind whirled around the woman, as those same screeches from before resounded once more.

Much as I love poetic, romantic, and verbose language, sometimes it just doesn't make sense. Like right here. Wind is invisible. It can't be seen. Black wind makes no sense.

When I looked at them more closely, I could see that they were not crows at all, but grotesque, misshapen creatures that vaguely resembled actual crows themselves.

I think there are too many words here. I'd remove both "actual" and "themselves" were I you. It's just a tad wordy, me thinks. However, this is a matter of personal taste. Don't take this as anything more than suggestion. There's nothing quantifiably wrong with it.

Their beaks were blade-like, similar to a pair of hooked scissor blades sitting on top of one another.

This seems a little repetitive. I HIGHLY recommend reading your works out loud. Word repetition is a LOT easier to find and fix that way.

Fresh blood oozed out of their "beaks", and onto equally sharp-edged feathers. These "feathers" seemed to tear through their blackened skin like spears through flesh before fanning outwards. Their talons were equally sharp and deadly, more akin to that of an eagle or other bird of prey than actual crows. As they flew around the woman, they gazed at her with glowing crimson eyes, as if eying her as potential prey.

And it's credit time. This is a very good description paragraph. You give us a base idea of what they look like (crows) and then go on to explain how it differs, and you explain it well. I've got a pretty good idea in my head of what these guys look like. Well done.

"You who travel through our lands, corrupting everything you touch...I shall tolerate it no longer!" Out of nowhere, a sword unlike any I had ever seen before materialized in her hand.

Space after the ellipsis. Paragraph break after the quote.

Unbearably bright light assaulted my eyes as I came to. I felt disconnected, like I wasn't totally there. As I began to open my eyes, I became blinded by a light above me. I tried to lift my arms to shield my eyes from the light, but they felt like nothing more than dead weights anchored at my sides.

Saying light this much gets a bet repetitive. Also, the first and third sentences here seem to be saying the same thing. The description seems a little redundant.

As I continued to struggle to regain movement, I watched with blurred vision as a blurred figure approached me out of the corner of my eye.

Oooooh, I think this might have been purposeful, but generally, it's a good rule of thumb to not use the same word within ten... words of each other. Damn, I kind of broke the rule just now, but you get what I'm saying.

"She's coming to..." I heard a voice whisper

Okay, something needs to be added here. Either the quote is it's own sentence, in which case it needs not only a paragraph break, but also there needs to be a period after the ellipsis. I don't know why, but even ellipses need periods. Or, if it's the same sentence, there should still be a comma after the ellipsis.

"Doctor Marshall! She's awake!" As I listened to the sound of footsteps, I found myself struggling to regain focus as well.

Now these I know are two different sentences. In which case, there should be a paragraph break after the quote.

"Ah, you're awake," the doctor said, "How are you feeling?" I turned my head towards him as I felt my paralysis fade.

I think these are two sentences. In which case, paragraph break after the quote. If not though, please ignore, and maybe even kick me.

I felt strange...it was like something was different, yet I could not put my finger on what. Instead I turned my focus on my surroundings.

Space after the ellipsis, please.

The walls of the room were starch white, save for a small pair of round windows to my left. Across the room in front of me were counters and cabinets of the same color as the walls, with bits of paint chipped off here and there. A strong chemical odor, like disinfecting cleansers, filled the air; the odor was so overwhelming that it nearly made my eyes water. The counters looked rough and aged; bits and pieces of the countertop were either peeling away or permanently stained various colors by spills made by other unfortunate visitors to this place.

Again, very descriptive. I have a very clear picture of what the room looks like. The only thing I would change is the second usage of "odor". It sounds a bit repetitive. I would recommend finding another word.

"In sick bay, miss. I was beginning to get worried; had you remained unconscious for much longer, we would have feared for the worst..." I sat up and rubbed my temples as I blinked at him.

Since I think these are two sentences, there should be a paragraph break after the quote, and a period after the ellipsis. If one sentence, then a comma after the ellipsis.

"What happened? How...how did I get here?" The doctor frowned.

Space after the ellipsis please.

"We were hoping you could tell us," He replied, "Tell me, do you remember anything that happened before you lost consciousness?

The "h" in "he" should be lower case.

Anything at all?" I furrowed my brow, trying to remember anything at all. As images of that night filled my mind, I could feel my headache begin to worsen.

If this was purposeful, I actually have to give some credit then. It uses the same words, but manages to not sound repetitive. So, if that was purposeful, good job. And if not, just nod your head and say you did it on purpose.

"My head hurts..." As I said that, the doctor thumbed through the cupboards.

I think you know what's coming, but just for clarity: period after the ellipsis and paragraph break after the quote please.

After that, I don't remember much..." The visages of the trinity of figures flashed in my mind, though I questioned the validity of those events.

Paragraph break after the quote, and period after the ellipsis.

"That is strange...tell me, do you have any sort of history of blacking out like that?" He asked. It was my turn to offer an confused look.

"Not at all..."

The "h" in "he" should be lower case. Paragraph break after the sentence with the quote in it. And since you put the next quote on a new line, I would recommend retracting those returns and putting it on the same line as the non-quote sentence. Also, the "an" should be an "a".

"Strange indeed..." I sat on the hospital bed, sitting through examination after examinaion.

Comma after the ellipsis. Also, you spelled the second examination wrong.

"You appear to be in perfect health, miss-"

Hmmmm. I'm not sure if this is an actual RULE, but if it was me, I would have put an ellipsis instead of a hyphen. If you decide to change it to that, don't forget to put a period after it.

"Donovan," I said, "Mireiyu Donovan." He offered an apologetic gaze.

Paragraph break after the quote.

"Yes. Forgive my manners, Miss Donovan. Now, as I was saying..." As he continued to talk, I noticed a pile of clipboards on the counter.

Two things. Period after the ellipsis, and paragraph break after the quote.

Most of the people on that list had notes about being comatose next to them...that was, until I saw my name crossed out on that list.

Space after the ellipsis.

This was a list of people who collapsed last night...and they had somehow fallen into a coma.

Space after the ellipsis.

As I watched the nurse behind him remove those clipboards from the room, the words of the trinity echoed in my mind...

Period after the ellipsis.

There is but one force that can withstand the darkness- the Light of the Soul-Gatherer, Aetherus...

Period after the ellipsis.

They called it a Soul-Gatherer...if that is true, then did the comet somehow...steal their souls?

Spaces after both ellipses.

"Is there something wrong, Miss Donovan?" He asked. I snapped out of my reverie and looked back at him.

The "h" in "he" should be lower case. Also, paragraph break after the sentence with the quote in it.

"Well, you are free to go. If you are ever not feeling well, please come back to see me." I returned a sad smile and made my way out of sick bay.

Paragraph break after the quote.

Okay, chapter one done. I'll get the next one done soon.

Alright, finally got around to reading Chapter Two. Okay, first things first. Grammar:

Originally Posted by Veyrael

"Obaasan...you don't understand. I need to learn how to control this power! I have to learn...I..." I found myself unable to speak as a tide of emotion swept over me. I felt terrified of this power. Truly, I did not want to have a repeat of the unfortunate events that lead to my parents being comatose. There were only two options- either attempt to learn how to control it...or find a way to rid myself of it.

You should have a paragraph break after the sentence with the quote in it.

"You cannot hope to maintain any sort of control when you let your emotions rule you like this. I understand that you are afraid of this power; I also understand what you are trying to do. It is never easy to confront something so painful. For that, I believe your heart is in the right place..." At this point, I didn't know what to say.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a quote that leads into narration in the same sentence. This is mostly due to your lack of punctuation after the ellipsis. I think the narration is a separate sentence, as it starts with a capital letter. This being the case, there should be a period after the ellipsis and a paragraph break after the quote. If they are the same sentence, then place a comma after the ellipsis, and decapitalize the 'A'.

In the summer that I had spend with my family in Osaka, I attempted to practice that same level of self-control that she had advertised as much as possible.

I think this is the result of a typo, but it makes your tenses wrong. "spend" should be "spent".

Moments later, the episode ended.

Hmmm, my gut tells me that the comma in that sentence is wrong, yet when I read it, it sounds like a pause is there. Honestly, I'm not sure.

Okay, that's not all the grammar problems. In fact, it's not even most of it. However, the rest of it all falls under the same category. And I thought that rather than pointing out each one, I'd simply point out the rules to follow. And what do these rules pertain to? The dreaded ellipsis. I know I've pointed out various mistakes you made with them in the previous chapters, but I'll just post everything I know about them right here.

1. If an ellipsis is used for a pause in the middle of a sentence, it must be proceeded by a space. So, instead of "Yes...no" it should read "Yes... no".
2. If the word an ellipsis is attached to would be followed by a punctuation mark, that punctuation mark should still follow the ellipsis. Whether it be a period, a comma, or a semicolon. This is especially important in quotes, where the lack of punctuation can confuse the reader as to whether the sentence has ended or not. Example: "I don't know if I can...," she said, trailing off.
3. If an ellipsis precedes a word, there is no space between the ellipsis and the word. An example sentence would read, "...Yes."

I think that's pretty much it about ellipses. Okay, now on to other critique.

The way the story is progressing is very interesting, I must say. You've certainly managed to intrigue the reader... or at least me. Also, the way you're developing your character and your story at the same time (at least, the way I understand it with my limited knowledge thus far) is excellent. Accomplishing both in one fell swoop keeps your story well-paced. It flows fine. It is neither bogged down by lack of plot to focus on character, nor is it burdened with an excess amount of plot, leaving the characters painfully undeveloped. So good job on that. You have an even amount of both, and neither is overshadowing the other thus far.

I look forward to reading the other chapters, and future chapters that have yet to be posted.