The Legend of Zelda: Empire of Darkness (M)

Just a few things:

• I found myself skimming over the character descriptions. Especially those in succession with each other. I know and love your style of description, but at the same time I believe certain things can just be left to the imagination of the reader.

• Alternatively, the sequence where Leita summoned the Gerudo password thouroughly confused me. I'm not sure what was happening, as well as how whatever she did spells out "desert rose".

• Oh, and this:

He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly against the tremble of his core.

Not right now.

He couldn’t lose it right now.

What is he going to lose? D: His hat? Sanity? Virginity?

•

Link had been under the impression that children took the surname of the mother, not the father. It was that way with Hylians, and the Gerudos never married any of their male Hylian partners.

HUH. Since when did Hylians keep maternal lineage?

•

His mischievousness reminded him of someone else he knew and he found comfort in it.

...Who?

---

I'm liking the little changes. I recall that by the third chapter of the original EoD, the team was already in Kokiri Forest, which means you're going into much more detail. At this point I'm just anxious to see how the rest plays out. This was an overall good chapter. Reminded me of an episode of Lost. <:'D

Now comes corrections. Always me and the corrections. But the good news is that these are less about the technical stuff like grammar and more of suggestions for sentences that seem wrong or awkward.

All agreed it was best just to reach the valley as soon as possible.

They all agreed it was best just to reach the valley as soon as possible.

'You do have any idea what you’ve done?!'

'Do you have any idea what you've done?!'

'Soonest would be best.'

'The sooner the better.'

'I’m not sure I would have done so well without the aide of the Serwens.'

'I’m not sure I would have done so well without the aid of the Serwens.'

She took another heated step closer. Bronze eyes turning into smoldering metal.

She took another heated step closer, her bronze eyes turning into smoldering metal.

...as much as he needed to free the giant guardians and stop Majora.

...as much as he needed to free the giant guardians and stop Majora's Mask.

(Majora ≠ Majora's Mask. The mask is parasitic and apocalyptic--not so much whoever or whatever it was named after.)

There may be more, but nothing that really sticks out to me. I'm too lazy to nit-pick so much this time. I hope it doesn't seem weird that I comment so often. I've come to love the story and would like to watch it succeed.

Nah, I always wait for your post now after I post a chapter. I look forward to it, though actually I think you're being a bit nit-picky this time. Some of it is more of a preference thing.

What is he going to lose? D: His hat? Sanity? Virginity?

If you're paying attention it's not that hard to figure out. Try reading it again. The others who have edited this for me didn't have a problem with this part.

HUH. Since when did Hylians keep maternal lineage?

Since I decided that Hyrule is very matriarchal. I mean, really, three goddesses and no gods? Very feminine. So for my story they keep maternal lineage. Obviously they view females as more sacred than males.

...Who?

I left out who on purpose, so you just get to wonder for a while ^^

(Majora ≠ Majora's Mask. The mask is parasitic and apocalyptic--not so much whoever or whatever it was named after.)

That's a matter of opinion, besides, people get the point of what he's talking about. That's where you're getting kinda nit-picky.

Quote:
All agreed it was best just to reach the valley as soon as possible.

They all agreed it was best just to reach the valley as soon as possible.

Quote:
'Soonest would be best.'

'The sooner the better.'

Quote:
She took another heated step closer. Bronze eyes turning into smoldering metal.

She took another heated step closer, her bronze eyes turning into smoldering metal.

Quote:
...as much as he needed to free the giant guardians and stop Majora.

...as much as he needed to free the giant guardians and stop Majora's Mask.

All these to me are matters of opinion and preferences. I like sentence fragments and I like to word things differently than you.

• I found myself skimming over the character descriptions. Especially those in succession with each other. I know and love your style of description, but at the same time I believe certain things can just be left to the imagination of the reader.

You might be right about this, but I'll keep it like it is for the time being.

• Alternatively, the sequence where Leita summoned the Gerudo password thouroughly confused me. I'm not sure what was happening, as well as how whatever she did spells out "desert rose".

You're really the first to complain out of the rest of my editors. If I get more complaints I'll consider different ways of explaining it.

But anyways, thanks again for the review. We might not always agree but I still value your opinion.

Actually, I'm aware of the preference thing. That's why I said they were really just suggestions more than anything else. My dad's an editor, and he edits all of my things, so I guess his approach has sort of rubbed off on me.

I read over the parts another time and I now understand the 'losing it' part, and have a bit of a better grasp on the password, though I'm still not completely sure. When I write reviews, I read the story while recording my thoughts. I don't want to make readers read something twice to understand something, so I put down things I find hard to grasp the first time. Or in some cases, like I said before, I'm just being a doofus.

This story is crack and I want more of it!
I can't wait 'til the whole cast is back in and I hope all goes well for you and your story, Shrub.

Edit: (Just so this isn't spam) Are there gonna be a lot more new characters this time around?