(Tra/Rom) Cold Feet (G)

Cold Feet


Almost everyday you fall
Upon my waking eyes,
Inviting and inciting me
To rise.
And through the window in the wall
Come streaming in on sunlight wings
Pink Floyd- Echoes

He woke up. He had another dream about her. Another dream to ad to the many that he had already had. Was she his girlfriend? No, he only wished it. Their relationship was in a quandary. They were somewhere between a friendship and something more. He got out of bed and placed his cold feet on the cold floor.

He got out of bed, and followed morning routine. Shower, clothes, cereal, backpack, and out the door, leaving for school. On his way to school, his mind turned to her. Did she know how often she was thought of? Could she even guess? He saw her as a flawless goddess, and he was unsure of how she saw him. Was he immature? Was he ugly? Was he just not her type? Or is he handsome? Smart? Mature? Suave? The answers eluded him.

He didn’t see her during beginning classes, and that was regretful. How he longed to see her when school began, to see her face, and hear her voice, the voice of the mythical siren. He sat in his classrooms, going through the motions of life, not caring about what was going on, simply thinking of her. She doesn’t deserve me, she deserves something much better. His thoughts were negative and purposefully discouraging, but his heart would not listen.

The classes later in the day were where he became well again. He walked into the classroom and saw her at her desk. Her magnificence entranced him. He approached her and started a conversation. He wasn’t afraid to talk to her, they were good friends. In fact, they had deep discussion nearly every night. They would chat away on the phone, talking of the future, the past, and the present. They would share opinions and occasionally argue. They also talked about their relationship together.

It wasn’t so much a relationship as it was an almost relationship. While they were emotionally close, they were far from physically close. That was his fault. His past had screwed him up, to the point where slight intimacy made him nervous. What if he went to far? He lived in fear of being labeled as a pervert. They could never have a relationship without physical intimacy, he knew that. He had to do something. He had decided that he could go as far as to put his arm around her. It was fairly innocent, with a hint of something more. He couldn’t possibly do it. As he thought about it, fears began to spring up. What if it’s the wrong time? An inopportune setting or time? He couldn’t do it. He feared rejection. He feared ruining their relationship that wasn’t. He was sick of the way things were, yet he was afraid to do anything. He sat in his chair defeated.

He didn’t talk to her after school, he felt too ashamed to. She didn’t deserve him. She didn’t deserve someone who was afraid to be close to her. She didn’t. She deserved a man. Not some immature boy. She deserved someone who could talk AND do. He wasn’t good enough, and he feared that he never would be.

When he got home, he called her up. They talked about what they usually did, they talked about life. He was confident, sensitive, and mature. In those moments, love flowed freely between them. They talked about their relationship that wasn’t. They knew that it couldn’t go anywhere. He began to get a knot in his stomach. Hopelessness was beginning to engulf him. He finished talking with her, and went to bed.

Laying in bed, he thought about them. About how they could be. About what they weren’t. About how much he tried, he wasn’t. A shiver ran down his spine. On such a warm night, his feet were as cold as ice, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t warm them.

(This is just a short story, sorry, but most likely there will be no future installments. I was actually thinking of just having a short story thread, but I wasn't sure if that would violate the rules or not... it would be great if a mod could contact me on that.)

Opinons welcome