Gender Wars 2009: Essay Dispute

Essay Dispute
Start date: August 12th
End date: August 17th


The 6th Gender Wars battle starts today. Opponents will skillfully write out in the form of an essay, why their gender is impossibly better then the other. All entries may be subbmitted in this thread, but please keep all discussion and comments to the discussion thread. Thank you.

Now, competators, you will need to know the rules and regulations to do this. First of all, keep in mind, these essays are to be light hearted and keep in the spirit of the Gender Wars. Make then fun and easy for everyone to get through. There will be a 800-1200 word limit on them (don't freak if you're a couple words over or under). You may use any style essay you want, wehter it be analytical, satirical, or free structure. The rubric will pretty much tell you everything else you need to know.


Structure: /20*
Grammar: /20
Communication: /25
Arguments: /25
Length: /15
Total: /105

*I know I said it can be free structure, but the mark is to make sure things are organized and have some flow and structure to it. It doesn't mean it has to be a particular structure style.

I assume this is where we submit our glorious man-essays, right? I hope so, because here mine is. All two days worth of work put into 807 tiny words!

This essay, showing you how men are undoubtedly better than women, and how they know and admit it, will be split up into three areas: How Women pretend to be men, how women admit that men are better, and how men have made more useful contributions to society.. Examples used will be video games, Freudian psychosexual concepts and ideas, occupations, Future quotes, and long lists involving the word 'men'.

How Women Admit that Male is the Better Gender
38% of females game. Gaming culture is a male dominated culture, and games usually involve playing as a male. Does this mean that 38% wish to be men? No, it means more wish to be men. I will show you that, without a doubt, most women secretly wish to be men, and how that is the reason why the man is the superior gender.

At an early age, and possibly all throughout life, most women will have penis envy, and therefore see their lack of such male organ as punishment by their mother for some unknown deed. They desire the power and respect that comes with a penis, and are therefore admitting that males are the superior gender.

Women, arguably 100% of them, want to be treated like males and have the 'rights' that males supposedly receive. Women join feminist circles and protest alongside friends to get these rights, and be treated more like a man. This obviously shows that the females admit that man is the better gender, and since they cannot be a man, no matter how much they want it, they wish to be treated as if they were men.

How Women Pretend to be Men
Most women, without a doubt, wish to be men so much that they pretend or act like men in some ways. In fact, most synonyms for female include a synonym for male. This shows that, to a degree, females even call themselves males.

Most multi player games have you taking on the role of a male pit against other males, few or many, in a death match situation, where the last one alive standing wins. Females are well aware that their characters are indeed male, and enjoy playing games knowing this. Because of this, it is obvious that they secretly wish to be male. If they didn't, they would push for more games with female character options, or simply not play games were male-player characters are forced upon them at all.

Most women have jobs. This is a given. If they don't, they aren't real people. However, most jobs women have are dominated by males. Females having these types of jobs is proof that they are emulating men by having their occupation.

How Men have made more Useful Contributions to Society
Men have obviously made much better contributions to society. It is quite apparent that the male gender has, in fact, invented our whole modern lifestyle. For example: Men made video games, men made computers, men have made the most scientific advancements, men invented cars, men build more houses, A man made ZU, Power Shot is a man, men win wars, men write more plays, men write more movies, more men are philosophers, and women, are, in fact, not.

Obviously with all these contributions to our modern day society, one might be forced to admit that men are better than women. However, most women are blind and do not reliaze this, no matter what religion they are. In fact, speaking of religion, most, if not all, holy men, messiahs, and prophets are male. Men also provide more entertainment options for our culture. There are more males in the music, television, radio, and porn industries than there are women.

Men also are more frequent, and in democratic societies, consequently better leaders. There have been no female presidents, and there have been more male supreme justices and vice presidents than female justices and vice presidents.

Closing Argument
In conclusion, I have proved that men are indeed better than women, and that women emulate men. I have told you about women and video games, women and jobs, women and rights, women in society, and women in general. I hope that this essay has informed you about how men dominate this our sub-cultures, our culture, our society, our government, and our world in general, and how the world is better for that. If it hasn't, I understand, because I didn't cover those topics, and you would of had to assume many things from what you read.

Hopefully, my readers will understand that this essay was not serious in anyway, and was all in good fun and for the Gender Wars.

Seriously, don't hate me for this. I don't hate you. Why hate me? You girls are mean.

And now, I shall leave you with the words of a great member of ZU, Future: "Women are stupid."

I'm assuming that you want these as attachments, so that every post isn't wall of text?

Also, I'm pokig fun throughout the whole essay, but the Cult of Domesticity is real, and still exists.

Woot for the lassies! Enjoy ^^!

word count: 943

Life Is A Churning, Frothy Mess – Who Rides It Better?

All through the eons, the Earth has undergone massive geological, climatological and ecological changes. With the guidance of Mother Nature, most species inhabiting the planet have adapted and thrived in the Whitewater of Life left by the unforgiving Father Time. We are creatures propelled by refinement – to fit into the niche of the briefest snippet of our time.

Rather, most of us do. Some creatures don’t survive in the Whitewater of Life. Some creatures don’t even bother thrashing to stay afloat. An example of one of these creatures is Ailuropoda melanoleuca, or the Panda. If it weren’t for human intervention, the Panda would have joined the ranks of extinction without a struggle. That would be a pity, yet the Panda’s observed lack of motivation to propagate would remain a mystery.

Another example – albeit in a somewhat more complicated scenario – is the male gender of Homo sapien sapien, or the Modern Human. Unlike the Panda, the male Human does not have to be persuaded to propagate. Like the Panda, he takes root in a zone of comfort and doesn’t have to fight to be anywhere.

Whether we are safe from the dynamicity and chaos of Mother Nature, we currently occupy a cozy, chilled out space where we don’t have to worry about surviving in the Whitewater of Life. In our day-to-day lives, that with which we have to be concerned is the Whitewater of Society.

Here’s where the genders run their separate courses.

As with the rest of the planet, complete equilibrium can never be achieved. Both genders have undergone fluctuating perceptions and expectations. While our dear gentlemen have changed from one century to the next, they have not exhibited as much diversity as the ladies. Diversity is what keeps species from drowning in the Whitewater of Life. In Society, it’s not a matter of do-or-die, but it nonetheless remains a strong undercurrent of Life.

The following examples will be used to illustrate the diversity of women, and how they stimulate many aspects of Society:

Branching Out

During the dawn of Western civilisation, men and women both wore skirts. Trousers were considered feminine. One could imagine the ancient Romans laughing at the ancient Persian men for wearing trousers. In the contemporary Western world, however, skirts have become the domain of only women. While trousers have taken on a masculine groove, there are plenty of women who don trousers for most occasions.

By having a choice between these two major types of clothing, women have the potential for shock and awe. A woman who is frequently trousered may choose to wear a skirt to wade in femininity for a day. A man who is used to seeing this woman trousered may have his attention drawn to her more than usual. Ding! Score!

In Society, where generating interest remains important beyond the purpose of propagation, this is a good thing. In Life, where diversification is crucial to the vigour of ecosystems, women set the example of how to score in nature.

The poor gentleman does not have this choice. By phasing the skirt out of his range of acceptable daily attire, he can never enter the water (to keep the metaphor). He can’t wear trousers to enhance his masculinity, because that’s the only thing he can wear. In situations where a skirt is acceptable – a kilt in Scottish traditional events, for instance – it doesn’t lead women to remark and revel in this long lost remnant of masculinity.

Admittedly, this is a weak example due to this being relevant only to certain cultures. In other places of the world, a man is as manly in a sarong or pareu as he is in trousers. The questions remains as to why the less diverse gentlemen dominate the political arena of the most powerful countries in the world.

Punching Through Barriers

There is an old saying: Whatever a man can do, a woman can do (better). The above statement is frequently thrown around as an affirmation for women. Can men do what women can? Taking aside the biological limits, women have always been pushing the gender frontier. When a woman makes an entry into a realm fuelled primarily by testosterone, it is applauded by other women. How often have you read an article or book chronicling the opening of new territory for women? When do you see the same thing attempted by men?

The gentlemen may argue that historically feminine activities and positions aren’t as exciting as masculine ones, and thus the gentlemen have no reason to break into those fields. They explore new fields, and isn’t that enough?

Perhaps, but the emergence of the new breeds of femininity, like the surfer girl and gamer chick (ding and ding!), has given a boost to the vitality of Society. While men across the world are stoked to find female companions who venture out of the deep and impenetrable reaches of utter femininity, women are the only side stoking this fire of generosity and courage. If women can be “man enough” to get into and flourish in new places, why can’t men be “woman enough”?

Until we see more shopper guys or tea party dudes, it can be hypothesised that once the bubble of Society breaks down and we are tossed back into the Whitewater of Life, men will have become too complacent to thrash, like the Panda. Women will have to pick up the slack, thank you. Even within the throngs of Society, men are the ones sitting quietly in their haven of manliness. One may wonder why men have always been associated with forcefulness and action.

937 words

Once again, the time has come to prostrate before my Man glory.

How to Tell That Special Someone She’s Gained a Few
By Power Shot
It’s a question that almost all men will have to ask at some point. Often, as I gaze through the crowd I will see one or two couples walk by with a man skinnier than a pole and a woman roughly the size and weight of a killer whale. You know, the kind that has to ride the Rascals because actual movement makes them sweat so much they could fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Now, that’s not to say that the opposite can’t be true. Why, just yesterday I saw a man who could fill three theater seats with a modest, average-weighed woman. Does that mean she finds him repulsive? No. Because, unlike most men, women can tell their special someone when the time has come to hit the gym, hide the cookies, and hire a trainer to tame that fat monster. When a guy is fat the woman either accepts it or changes it, but that’s not how it works in the opposite side of the spectrum. Men just can’t say, “Hey, honey? Mind losing a few pounds because, in all honesty, I’m worried about the springs on our King Henry VIII-sized bed.” That’s just not how the world works.

Until now, that is.

Lately I’ve been thinking, as I sit surrounded by my massive bevy of women and tigers: why can’t we do that? If we honestly think a woman could stunt double for Free Willy, and if we happen to be romantically entwined with that woman, shouldn’t we feel obligated to inform her that it is her fault when we are asked to leave the buffet? Absolutely. Women, if you can’t accept the truth, than your standards of a relationship are based on nothing more than hypocrisy and double standards. And I, being the great humanitarian that I am, am here to drop some knowledge on my fellow man on just how he can let that special someone in his life know that, in all honesty, if it weren’t for her massive gravitational pull he would have bolted out the door the moment she discovered the existence of chocolate.

Breaking it to her without telling her
Let’s say that, for whatever reason, you still love this land beast you’re living with. There are a number of reasons, such as a fear of the unknown or the fact that your dating clothes would look absurd in the modern dating jungle, but there is a way of letting her know without telling her that she could eat a whole cow raw, fleas and all. Start a diet plan yourself and convince her to join with you. That way she can start losing weight and you can sculpt your man-calves. In short, everyone wins and you go home with a skinnier, healthier, lady friend.

Breaking it to her through outside sources
Maybe you don’t want to work out though. Like me, for example, you don’t need to work out to maintain a perfect body made of wrought-iron capable of punching lions. There are plenty of ways to psychologically manipulate that special someone into wanting to transform her jellylike body into something remotely pleasing. I call this one the ‘salad technique’ for reasons I don’t understand. What you need to do is start taking an avid interest in some of the things she eats. Like, let’s say she buys a bunch of microwave pizzas, and not for you like a good girlfriend/wife/mistress would. Maybe read off some of the ingredients and say that they’re dangerous. If she thinks you’re lying, check the Internet and claim it as valid evidence that you are indeed trying to save her life. She will be so grateful she’ll start becoming more health-conscious and slim down. Of course, she doesn’t know about the secret fridge in the basement with all the bad stuff for you, so chow down friend! After all, you’re the one looking out for yourself and her. She should be thanking you.

Breaking it to her like a man
But what if neither of those has worked? It’s time to break it down for her so that she can stop challenging you for breathing space. It’s time to be totally honest and, I know, the option of being honest is against everything I stand for in a relationship. However, if you’re committed to saving this relationship and keeping your house free of diabetes medication, listen up! The time has come to be honest about how you feel. Let’s be clear, there is no nice way to say this to the woman you love. All her life she has been reinforced to be beautiful by media, her friends, her family, and you. Anything less in our society is nothing more than trash. But she isn’t trash, guys. She’s recycling. You’re going to put her through the messy process I presume they do to recycled goods and, when she comes out, she’ll be a slim bottle of Coke where there was once a Tupperware box. Just explain to her that you love her, you don’t want to lose her, but she needs to lose a few in order for her to be healthier and enjoy a longer life with you. That’s still going to hurt her, but with a loving face and a supportive lie you’ll help her through the recycling process. And she’ll be all the better for it.

Breaking up with her
At last it’s come to this. She has refused to change herself just to make you happy, despite the fact that you have given up your awesome friends, your awesome job, and your loving dog to be with her. That’s it. Time to call it a day and just tell her to tectonically shift her way out of your life. At this point it is simply ridiculous. This isn’t just for you, it’s for her health and your happiness together that you are brave enough to tell her, for her own good, she needs to lose weight, but here she is denying that fact. In my book she has lost all girlfriend privileges and needs to have the spoiled princess removed from her as fast as possible through the cruelest method possible. Even if she isn’t with you after this night, she’s going to lose weight because of what you say. I recommend going for the Moby Dick jokes, like mentioning that you’re Ahab and all you wanted in life was to catch your Moby Dick. Barring this tell her to leave, if she can fit through the doorway, past the hallway, down the stairs without a Twinkie break, and into her car without destroying it. If this doesn’t make her lose weight, there is no hope and the largest creature alive, the Armillaria ostoyae, a fungus, should pack up its bags and call it a day at the Guinness World Records.

In Closing
Well, there you have it everyone. These are the three best ways and the one worst way of telling her that she needs to lose a few. Hopefully by following the advice here she will live to have a healthy happy life, the best thing I can recommend for her. Of course, if she has a gay friend all of this could be ignored and you could just ask him to suggest it. Women listen to gay guys. Of course, there’s always a chance that the gay guy will snitch on you, but that’s the gamble you take when you love someone enough to want to keep them healthy.

Good luck, men. And, for good measure, hide the pepper spray before this all goes down. Wouldn’t want to be blinded, now would we?

Since the beginning of time itself women have prove themselves mightier and tougher then men. They have grown to become more powerful and take over many of the roles that were once considered to be fore a man. Women are able to do more and better things with their extended abilities then ever before and are more indepedent with their lives. They can climb higher and farther then any man, their strengths and determination as powerful as ever before. Women can be whatever they wish to be and are able to do the same tasks that their male counterparts can do do a much better job on top of it, if women can put their minds to it.

Women can endure more pain, stress, and hardships, both mentally and physically, then a man could ever do. The emotional demands on a woman are great, quite often a woman is solely responsible as the emotional support for her family and friends. She can be as strong as she can be for her family in hardships, strong enough to pull through the worst of times that emotionally demand that she be there for the ones that she loves. A woman can keep her emotions about her in just about any situation that comes up for her to be emotionally strong, putting forth a stronger body to help cope with any physical demands that may arise.

Her physical strength is much more powerful then a man's, not solely relying on the strength of her muscles alone but also the will to carry a burden. A woman can carry more weight and go farther then any man can, meeting the physical demands of every day life and and any hardships that may follow easier and better. Women can also endure more physical hardships over what a man can withstand, able to stand tall even when it hurts to keep her head up. With a strong mind and a strong body functioning together as one, women can go the distance and do everything better and faster.

Women are also better at being creative, able to visualize their creative ideas in better ways. Their minds can put things together much more efficiently, quicker, and better, allowing her designs and creations to last longer. Women know they do not need to fix any mistakes that they make with their own creations, whether it be putting together a design for a bedroom, painting a wall, or even putting a cabinet together. Their creative minds are more able to express their ideas and styles so that these same ideas and styles can blossom into fruition. These ideas and styles are also more brighter and more beautiful, much more so than a mans.

Women have also been known to have a better driving record then a man's, able to mentally focus on the road in front of them and their surroundings. Their driving performance is much better than a man's, as they do not get excited over every small detail and allow themselves more calmness when they take extra time to get to their destinations. Unlike a man, women have fewer instances of road rage, allowing their minds to be more level when they are on the road to deal with anything that may come their way. This goes hand-in-hand with being more focuses on their surroundings so that they can expect something to happen while remaining calm and not angry at what mistakes may happen.

Car insurance for women is also lower over that for a man's. Several insurance companies believe that a man's driving skills are not as good as a woman's, as men don't allow themselves to concentrate on their driving and instead are more focused on other things. Men quite often have their mind set on trying to impress others with their poor driving abilities or try to show off their "fancy" and hyped-up cars. This leads to not paying attention to what is going on around them and their own minds keep being focused on who they are trying to impress rather than the road in front of them. This causes not only more accidents for men but also higher car insurance that they have to pay. It is a better idea to let women do the driving, as not only will there be fewer accidents but also few people will get lost, as men never seem to want to pull over to ask for directions.

A woman's mind is a wondrous thing to have. There is so much that she can hold in her mind, from shopping lists to every day tasks and duties. Her memories can go back for years to things men have long since forgotten about. A woman's higher brain function enables them to keep these memories clear and fresh so they can use them for later in life, even when they no longer needed these same memories. A woman's mind is sharp and quick to understand more concepts then a man's, an ability that helps them with jobs and their own families. This higher brain function also allows them to multi-task better, giving women a bigger chance to do more at once then a man can. Multi-tasking and a sharp mind is essential for a woman's daily life as she takes on more roles for herself and becomes more empowered with her own accomplishments.

And the Essay Dispute is over. Thank you to those who took the time to write essays. They're all great. Good luck in the marking!

Judges (and those wondering), please note that them men's 3rd entry was not subbmitted and thus mark as 0