Render Kimioshi

Yes, I know some of these places and stuff is from final fantasy X and Kingdom hearts, that’s because she was a character I made up for that game.

Name: Render Kimioshi
Age: 16
Race: Demon/heartless
Sex: Female
Hair: Short black hair that is put into pigtails
Eye: Green
Weight: 120 pounds
Height: 5'6

Weapon: a small dagger that is a pitch black

Strengths: When Render is in the dark, her powers expand a little, and since when she is not wearing a disguise she is so nice, but frightened of the human world finding out she is a Demon, so it is sot of easy for her to make friends. She usually thought of sayings that her mom told her, which encourage her to do her best.

Weakness: Some of Render's main weaknesses are light attacks. She hates all angels, no matter how nice and kind they are to her because if she looks at one they will sense she is a demon and kill her. If she thinks of that even, she might get killed anyways if she thinks about it in a normal battle.

Skills/Magic: Render has a flower on her head that can launch a beam of dark that acts like lava and dissolves skin and bones in seconds. She can not use it yet though, but the flower can also launch a powder that paralyzes the enemy that she can use. Her only Magic attack she can use with her dagger it dark slash, which is a series of slashes that sometimes can cause sleep. She can make a barrier that blocks the sun from her also.

Appearance:
Heartless Appearance:

Personality: Render would be in the more of nice and Cowardly category, but she can not live in the light so she usually lives in a dark box that blocks the sun from her body, and when she wants to walk around, she makes a small barrier around her body. In other words she is also scared to show her true form to others, thinking they would attack and kill her. She had mini demon wings on her back, but she hid them with a cape, and, since her wings grow as she gets older, she has to risk trying to trim them with her dagger. She never shows her face to really anyone she dislikes/hates, because if she sees them without a disguise, she will get mad.

Biography: Render was born in the city of Zanarkand. Before it was destroyed, she had a pet cat that was pitch black with red eyes that shined like diamonds in the night. Her cat sometimes snuck up on her and frightened her, but she avoided all contact with it at night because it usually would attack her if she tried to pet it. It didn't trust her yet, and as her mom said, "Black cats don’t really obey young demons unless they are trained to be the best". Her cat made her happy, because it showed she was different, and didn't think Black Cats were cursed like some people. She also had alot of normal friends, and hoped never to loose anything. She thought her life was great, until she lost everything. When she was only five, her home was destroyed in a massive Tsunami that left the place in ruins. It killed everything except her because her parents risked there lives to save her. They died just after the attack ended due to their serious injuries. Render left Zanarkand just after that, hoping to find new places, and her wish came true.

She decided to live in a large city known as Luca, which she disliked due to her being so different, and one day she was kidnapped by someone and thrown into the ocean.

There were many rumors in Luca about her being dead, but she actually ended up in an island known as Besaid. She lived there the rest of her life until she was 15, and she wanted to become a professional demon, although she could not tell anyone about this.

She left Besaid Island 3 days later, exploring some places beyond Besaid. She went to some other places like a small island known as Kilrika. She stayed there for one day, but nobody there understood her. Therefore she felt safe having her demon wings there, because she even asked the people there if they knew what a demon was, there answer was,"No". When she left she found out there was no land for at least 30 miles, so she decided to fly instead of ride on her mini boat.

After flying for a while, her boat tied to her small backpack that was tied around her arms, she got tired and went back to the boat to eat something and then she went to sleep.

Days past without her waking up, her boat floated ashore on a big island known as Renatrath. When she finally woke up she yawned and looked at the huge mass of land. She was confused and then noticed that this island was not on the map. She got even more confused and since the place was deserted, she lived there the rest of her life until now.

Okay, the first thing I noticed was her weight/height ratio. I'm about 5'6", and I definitely weigh much more than 79 pounds. If I weighed 79 pounds, I'd be dead. A more appropriate weight for a 5'6" female would be somewhere between maybe 120 and 145 pounds, depending on how big her bone structure is and how muscular you want her to be.

Next, I know you mentioned something at the beginning about you using FFX references, and I know you didn't completely rip off one of the characters, but I'd still like to see more originality in this character. Generally, I discourage using copyrighted material to make a character, even if it's just for the character's background. It's just a thought.

As far as her strengths and weaknesses go, I'm not entirely sure what you mean when you say she weakens when she thinks about something other than summoning. Does that mean she has to constantly be thinking about summoning in order not to be weak? Is she not allowed to think about food or sunshine or dreams or other people? And when she is thinking about summoning, does that mean she's just got her aeons fixed in her mind? Or she's actually thinking about the act of summoning? Explain that, please. Also, that whole flower thing really struck me as too powerful for a starting character. A beam of light that acts like lava? And dissolves skin and bones in seconds? Yeah, too powerful. Either tone it down or get rid of it completely.

Next, since she's a summoner, why don't you elaborate on what she summons? Yes, I know you've said she summons the aeons from FFX, but that, to me, borders on copyright infringement. Being more original never hurt anybody. Either way, you need to describe her summons--what they look like and what they do. Not everybody has played FFX, you know.

As a general thought, please, please, please, PLEASE expand the bio and the personality section. Delve into your character and why she is the way she is. The bio itself was rather cliche and boring, to be honest. Try to spice it up a little, and insert more original thoughts and ideas.

That's about all I can tell you for now. Try fixing things. Oh, yeah, and one last thing. Please run this through a spell-checker, at least. A profile is much easier and more enjoyable to read when it's grammatically correct.

Originally Posted by LadyElvenarcher

Okay, the first thing I noticed was her weight/height ratio. I'm about 5'6", and I definitely weigh much more than 79 pounds. If I weighed 79 pounds, I'd be dead. A more appropriate weight for a 5'6" female would be somewhere between maybe 120 and 145 pounds, depending on how big her bone structure is and how muscular you want her to be.

Next, I know you mentioned something at the beginning about you using FFX references, and I know you didn't completely rip off one of the characters, but I'd still like to see more originality in this character. Generally, I discourage using copyrighted material to make a character, even if it's just for the character's background. It's just a thought.

As far as her strengths and weaknesses go, I'm not entirely sure what you mean when you say she weakens when she thinks about something other than summoning. Does that mean she has to constantly be thinking about summoning in order not to be weak? Is she not allowed to think about food or sunshine or dreams or other people? And when she is thinking about summoning, does that mean she's just got her aeons fixed in her mind? Or she's actually thinking about the act of summoning? Explain that, please. Also, that whole flower thing really struck me as too powerful for a starting character. A beam of light that acts like lava? And dissolves skin and bones in seconds? Yeah, too powerful. Either tone it down or get rid of it completely.

Next, since she's a summoner, why don't you elaborate on what she summons? Yes, I know you've said she summons the aeons from FFX, but that, to me, borders on copyright infringement. Being more original never hurt anybody. Either way, you need to describe her summons--what they look like and what they do. Not everybody has played FFX, you know.

As a general thought, please, please, please, PLEASE expand the bio and the personality section. Delve into your character and why she is the way she is. The bio itself was rather cliche and boring, to be honest. Try to spice it up a little, and insert more original thoughts and ideas.

That's about all I can tell you for now. Try fixing things. Oh, yeah, and one last thing. Please run this through a spell-checker, at least. A profile is much easier and more enjoyable to read when it's grammatically correct.

I fixed the first thing.

I am making jus the BIO sortof like FFX.

ok, i am compleatley redo it, making her not a summoner, as for the flower, she cant use it until she gets stronger. But the towns still will be from FFX .

I will spellcheck too and expand the bio and personality

sorry for the double post, is this ok?

Okay, first of all, I think I'm tired of looking at that image. And some people on here are still on dial-up, and if they want to look at your profile, they'll never be able to see that image. So, ditch it and just write out the description or find a still image that close to what you want her to look like.

Next, that candy weakness has to go. That isn't an exploitable weakness in most situations. Most BA characters don't come equipped with Snickers bars.

And I still think your bio could be much better. There were several things that seemed totally random to me. Like, where'd the cat come from and what significance does it hold for her? Why was she comfortable having her demon wings if nobody in Kilika understood her? You need to fill in the gaps as much as possible, especially if you're going to through in random things like that.

Originally Posted by LadyElvenarcher

Okay, first of all, I think I'm tired of looking at that image. And some people on here are still on dial-up, and if they want to look at your profile, they'll never be able to see that image. So, ditch it and just write out the description or find a still image that close to what you want her to look like.

Next, that candy weakness has to go. That isn't an exploitable weakness in most situations. Most BA characters don't come equipped with Snickers bars.

And I still think your bio could be much better. There were several things that seemed totally random to me. Like, where'd the cat come from and what significance does it hold for her? Why was she comfortable having her demon wings if nobody in Kilika understood her? You need to fill in the gaps as much as possible, especially if you're going to through in random things like that.

I fixed the image and the candy, now i fix the bio.

EDIT: Fixed

Alright. I suppose it's as good as it's gonna get.

*approves*