Greif

Name: Grief

Species: Grief is a homunculus, a creature that is created when an alchemist tries to bring a person back to life with alchemy.

Age: Less than a year since creation.

Height: 5’8

Weight: 150 lbs.

Appearance: Crimson colored hair with cold, ash gray eyes. Grief always wears a pair of purple rimless sunglasses and a light brown, sleeveless combat jacket, the top of which is adorned with the fur of a white rabbit.

He wears dark leather boots with golden buckles in the shape of G’s. He wears bluish long pants made of pure cotton. Grief usually smokes cigarettes, as being a homunculus means that the negative effects of smoking don’t affect him.

He has fairly large muscles, although not large enough to be considered a body builder.

Weapon: See special powers.

Skills/Magic: Grief can fuse his body with any inanimate object around him I.E. rocks, wood, metal, etc. When he fuses his body with an object he morphs it into some form of weapon such as a blade or a metal fist.

Strengths: His strength is above that of humans, and he is very intelligent. His powers are fairly powerful as well. Being a homunculi means that Grief has regenerative powers as well.

Weakness: Being a homunculus, Grief is susceptible to alchemy as though he were simply the materials that an alchemist would use. Another weakness that being a homunculi brings him is that he becomes weakened when fighting near an area that the person he was supposed to be frequently visited.

Anything that belonged to the person he was supposed to be can paralyze him as well.

Personality: Grief is usually calm and collected but likes a good laugh. He is also very sadistic, and loves to see things get killed. He is a bit of an alcoholic, and also can’t resist a drug when offered. The one thing he wants more than anything else is to find out how he came to be.

History: Grief’s name used to be Gabriel and his entire life was filled with grief and despair. Gabe’s father went to war and died while he was very young, and his mother attributed this to being Gabe’s fault. She eventually kicked him out of the house at the age of ten.

He learned to survive in the wild, eventually becoming curious and a risk taker. After his first taste of alcohol he was addicted and soon spent all of his time and money at the local tavern. He wasted his life away in said tavern until he was seventeen, when his life changed forever.

While drunk he picked a fight with a necromancer by the name of Jamenda. Despite Gabe’s best efforts, the necromancer easily killed him. He was buried in the Chore Khu cemetery, a place that a group of alchemists bent on creating homunculi stayed.

Their leader, Parton, decided to attempt human transmutation on Gabe, for he was the freshest corpse. The transmutation was obviously a failure, and Parton lost three of his limbs. Grief however, was created.

Parton gave the homunculi enough red stones to activate his power, naming him Grief for being a major mistake. When Grief discovered his powers he decided to test them on his creator, easily killing him. With Parton dead, Grief had nobody to tell him what to do.

Rejoicing, the homunculi set out for the ultimate thrill ride…

Ok, you totally forgot the Strengths and Skills/Magic section. In addition to this, you need to expand EVERYTHING. This is not a one-line easy write-up. I want a character I can imagine, not a brief sketch. Details, and complete sentences. The whole works. Go!

i did edit it so... what do ya think.

im sorry for posting twice but could you look at Grief please!!!

Sorry, I've been gone, and then I got sick. This is the first I've been able to get down here this week.

*Ok, you need to tone down your strengths. No character is invincible in anything. Otherwise, what's the point of fighting with him?

*Could you tell me what a Homunculi is?? If you're going to invent a new race, please describe it.

*Cigarettes are fine. He's your character. If you want him to have black lungs, that's your decision.

*Expand your personality, and your bio.

ok i edited it again (smiles cautiously with one eye staring into a deep nothingless.)

Your bio still needs work -- it's just so blah right now. Can you think of a storyline more original?

Besides that, run your whole character through a spell-checker, or get a dictionary. It's a grammatical spelling nightmare!

ok i did i hope it's better...

Ok, that was a good attempt, but that battle at the end of your bio is just confusing. You need to pay attention to your sentences, and that what you're saying makes sense. Read it out loud to yourself; it might help you catch some mistakes.

soo... is he approved?

Originally Posted by God of shadows

After that Grief went to where he died or heard, there a man picked a fight with him. Grief grabbed a rock to fuse with him but nothing happened. The man almost won if Grief didn't fight back. Grief took off the man's head with his own hands. He then walked into the journey of a lifetime.

It's this part I'm having problems with. More specifically, the "Grief went to where he died or heard" -- heard what? And this sentence, "The man almost won if Grief didn't fight back" -- this sentence doesn't make any sense at all. I think you mean, "The man almost won, but Grief fought back."

And secondly, why does Grief have so much grief? Why is he so sad? You NEVER mention that. And I'm still confused on how if the alchemist fails to raise the person, why does he raise anyway? Wouldn't he just stay dead? And if Grief's only power is his ability to fuse, why didn't the fusion with the rock work after he rose? When did he regain his ability??

You need to work these out and explain in better detail before I'll approve him.

I redid Grief from scratch

I am sorry again for a double post but could you look at grief i did him from scratch...

Alright, that looks great! Did you have someone proof it for you? Or did you just spend a lot of time on it? Either way, it was a job well done. Sorry for the delay -- I've been gone on vacation for the last week. My apologies.

*happily stamps w/ approval* Good work! ^___^