Jasun

\Name: Jasun
Age: 19
Race: hylian
Sex: Male
Hair: black/ a little more than shoulder length, it gets slightly more curly at the ends.
Eyes: left one black, right one full on white (blind)
Weight: 155lbs
Height: 5'10''


Weapons: Two wooden katanas, somewhat worn in, small dents in the blades "edges" from clashing with things. The handles are wrapped in black leather.

Armor: a metal shade ,the triangular Japanese straw hats, other than that none.

Magic: none but demon unleash, an ability that he has no control over, whenever he gets in a life or death situation, if he gets to close to death, another side comes out, called simply demon, this other side is considerably stronger, and more ruthless.

Abilities: depending entirely on physical attacks, he has great strength, so much so that when he wants to, he can make his wooden blade cut like a metal one. When he swings one of his wooden swords down, you can feel a shockwave come out of it from the shear force of it cutting the air around it. Also has exceptional speed, but he cannot attack when moving, or can he keep moving in long runs, only short burst.

Strengths: very quick, very strong. Can see very well in darkness. Demon unleash. ect. see above.

Weaknesses: Bright light hurts him, which is why he always keeps his metal shade on. Has something of a weak defense, being he has no shield, just two swords, though his speed often makes up for this. Also, cannot swim.

Appearance: he keeps most of his torso, except for his forearms and hands, wrapped in bandages. Under the bandages he is severely scared, with barely healed cuts and hastily stitched stitch scars. he keeps his shade over his eyes to cover a large scar starting at the top of his forehead and going down to the top of his cheek, going straight through his blind eye, the reason he is blind. His wooden katanas are strapped around his waist, on his lower back area, with a black cloth. He wears baggy black pants (hakama) made out of cheap cloth, and is usually barefoot, but has wore straw sandals from time to time. He has muscles, but it’s more from being slender than anything. Not stick slender, normal slender.

Personality: has two personalities Jason, and demon
Jason: calm, cool, not easily upset. Often shy, thinking others would be repulsed by his grotesquely scared body tries to keep to himself most of the time, but has a strong sense of justice. Seeks only peace, and does not particularly enjoy real fighting. Normally he just walks around hyrule, doing oddjobs and whatnot for food money. He rarely smiles. The only time he does is when he sees something that truly warms his heart. Such as children playing, poets singing, ect. He does not enjoy drinking, it only reminds him of his past in the desert.

Demon: the exact polar opposite of Jasun, he’s cocky, arrogant, thinks he’s invincible, does not care for his own or others safety. Is entirely overly ruthless with his opponents, but still refuses to actually "kill" his opponent. Maiming is another story. Will do almost anything for his own benefit. His fighting style has been described as disorganized, unruly, and almost beastly. It appears that 'demon' himself has control over which personality is out, and just prefers to stay inside where he can be alone and not worry about everyday worries, only coming out when he thinks Jasuns, and therefore his, life is in danger. In a way, he enjoys his peace as well, something the two sides have in common. Only complete darkness can truly give him happiness. Can be a drunk at times.

Bio: born near Hylia Lake, he was abandoned as a child near gerudo desert. As his mother walked away crying, a gerudo assassin returning from a "job" rode by on her horse. "Hm? whats this then?" she said, looking down at the crying child. "A baby? Those ears, he must be a hylian..." It would seem even a cold blooded assassin has some heart.

She made small covers, to flatten his ears, and she hid the fact that he was male so no one in her tribe would know he was hylian, and she raised him, harshly, but he loved her none the less, she was the only mother he had ever known. When he turned six, she began teaching him the art of assassinations. After noticing that he, still as a child, had trouble handling the large pair of scimitars, she had someone fashion him two katana instead. his teen years were overly violent, he was made to tag along on his mothers, and even others, assassinations, forcing him to lock the memories and feelings of such emotions as sympathy and caring, emotions his mother called weak, away inside of himself, giving birth to a second personality, 'demon'.

When he was seventeen, there was an incident that revealed his identity. Upon hearing this, the tribe elder-woman took his mother into custody, and after a week of being locked away, she was sentenced to death. Upon hearing this, Jasun went temporarily insane, and started thrashing at everything that moved with uncontrollable rage. The gerudo tribe locked him away for days without food or water, or any kind of contact with any living thing other than the rats crawling under him on the floor (he's chained to the wall). He emerged on his 18th birthday, or what he knew as his birthday the day he was found abandoned, a broken man. He ran away a little while later, into hyrule field, not really knowing what to do next...

(I’m planning on writing some tales to continue this, such as ''The Emergence of 'Demon' '', ect.)

I think I fixed most of the spelling errors.

One thing I noticed throughout is your use of parenthesis instead of commas. Technically this is not a grammatical error, but it might detract a bit. The same is true of your multiple mentions of manga.

For your descriptions, try to avoid using examples and, instead, just "show" it. Say you were describing it to a blind person: how would you describe it? You don't have to go quite so far, but the point is that we cannot see what you're trying to show us, so you need to make it clear in our minds. A word picture, rather than an explanation.

Try to expand a bit on his demon side. It seems quite a bit like Naruto's Kyuubi or Ichigo's inner Hollow right now, and that's a bad thing. Try to make him stand out from established manga characters.

Personality could use some work. Stating a few character traits is good, but it's much better to expand on them than just list them. You say he is calm, cool, and not easy to upset as himself but that his demon side is the polar opposite. It would be easier to understand this if there was a better indication of what he is normally.

alright, gimme about 15min or so lol.

This any better?

Alright. The stuff over biography looks a lot better now.

Biography could use some work, though. Try picking out the major events of his life and making sure they're clear. His training, what prompted the woman to pick him up and take him, what happened when he went into a rage, or whatever else you think is most important. Make sure the points of his biography that influence his personality are as clear as they can be.

There, now with new and improved paragraphs.

APPROVED
On the stipulation that you will seek immediate teaching from a teacher at the Dome.