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Old 04-30-2012, 10:29 PM
SkywardSword11 SkywardSword11 is a male United States SkywardSword11 is offline
Anouki
Steam ID: SkywardSword11
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Aperture Testing Facility
View Posts: 33
The Great War

Hi. If a BA council member is reading this, this is my character form. Are there any changes needed?

Name: Sky
Age: 24
Sex: Male
Race: Hylian
Height: 5'11
Weight: 150 lbs
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Blond
Skin Color: Tan

Appearance: Semi-muscular. Has a scar running down from his forhead to his cheek (from dragon training). Has a pair of Fireshield Earrings (protects Sky from fire). Sky also has a engraved ring which allows him to use smaller spells like Cast Fire. Sky wears a leather armor set when he is not in battle.

Weapon(s): Skyshatter: sword made of special metal called Skysteel, which is found in the sky. Sky found it in a field next to a fallen tree.
Runed Staff: Staff for using big spells like Meteor Strike.
Wooden Bow: Used for shooting things. Found in a local shop

Armor: Set of new, matching, iron armor that covers Sky's whole body with a matching shield.

Powers/Magic/Skills: can use most magic and enter minds. Is a super stratigist and can tame wild dragons.
Limits: cannot use more than 5 relatively big spells(casting fire spells is small) at once and is limited by most mortal barriers
Side-Effects: cannot use huge spells (summon dead)without fainting afterwards

Battle Strengths: stratigist, fighter, leader
Battle Weaknesses: Rushes in to fights with advanced warriors

Personality: Likes adventure. Is good at finding things and is a good person. He likes to be with friends and has a knowledge of everywhere in the land.

History: Is known for paying attention to details. One time he was the only person who noticed that there was a magician in the front line of an opposing army. However at times he forgets the big details and messes up battle plans. He, even though he is skilled at fighting, proffers to make plans than be at the front line
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SkywardSword11 is an adoptee of EzloSpirit
"Oh, it's YOU. its been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead. you know after you murdered me? Okay look, we both said a lot of things that you are going to regret. but I think we should put our differences behind us. For science. You monster."
-GLaDOS
Portal 2
Last Edited by SkywardSword11; 05-02-2012 at 08:53 PM. Reason: Reply With Quote
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  #2 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 04-30-2012, 11:56 PM
Drammor Drammor is a male United States Drammor is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Spokane, WA
View Posts: 1,864
Re: The Great War

Quote:
Originally Posted by SkywardSword11 View Post
Hi. If a BA council member is reading this, this is my character form.
Hello, Skyward. My name is Drammor. I've had a chance to read over your character, and I'm going to help you bring him up to the approval line from here. As you can see, we've already moved him from the Dome to the Characters & Resources forum. This is the place to post characters so that they can be reviewed for approval. Once I've given you the go-ahead, you'll be able to create a post in the Crossroads and start writing with the other peeps.

Quote:
Are there any changes needed?
Yes. Although, what we need isn't so much changes, at this point, as it is more information. Although you have technically answered most of the required fields for a character, the information you've provided is both vague and basic. I'm going to need you to provide more detail on several fields, and to reassign some information to where it fits better.

Let's get started...

Quote:
Appearance: Hot and sexy. Is a natural leader and fighter.
I'm not attracted to men. I have no idea what a hot man looks like. Therefore, I have no idea what Sky looks like. I get the feeling that many other writers don't, either.

This section should be at least four to five sentences long - large enough to constitute a paragraph, in any case. Try describing his relative build, his eye color, complexion, hair style, and other basic information. It would be useful to know if he has any birthmarks, tattoos or scars, if wears jewelry or has piercing, if he looks muscular or wiry or toned, what kind of clothing he wears and what it looks like, and so on.

That your character is a natural leader and a fighter aren't things that people would be able to recognize about him with a casual observation of his appearance. Those things should actually go in his Personality section.

Quote:
Weapon(s): Skyshatter: sword made of special metal called Skysteel
Bow

Armor: Set of new iron armor with a matching Shield
Tell me more about all of these. What does his sword look like? Is it special? If so, why is his sword special? The same goes for his bow.

When you say he has a set of iron armor, what do you mean by that? What areas of his body does it protect? Can he normally be found wearing his armor? If he can, then that would be a good thing to include in his Appearance section.

Quote:
Powers/Magic/Skills: can use most magic and enter minds. Is a super stratigist and can tame wild dragons.
I'm going to need a lot more detail here. Other characters have illuminated dozens, if not hundreds, of different kinds of magic. So, when you say "most magic," what do you mean by that? And what do you mean by entering minds? How does he do that, and what effect does it have? How does he about being "a super strategist"? I guess... that he can tame wild dragons is probably enough to say on the matter, but I sure would like to hear more about how that gets done.


Quote:
Limits: cannot use more than 5 relatively big spells(casting fire spells is small) at once and is limited by most mortal barriers
Side-Effects: cannot use huge spells (summon dead)without fainting afterwards
Can you define for me what you mean by things like "small," "big," "huge" and "mortal barriers"? Without knowing that, I don't even know where to start with this one.

Quote:
Battle♥Strengths: stratigist, fighter, leader
Battle♥Weaknesses: Rushes in to fights with advanced warriors
Try to expand each of these out into at least 3 sentences each. Also, that weakness that you have listed there is more likely to be a Personality trait than a weakness that other characters can exploit in combat. I'm not saying Personality isn't exploitable, I'm saying that Battle Weaknesses should be traits about a character in addition to their Personality.

Quote:
Personality: Likes adventure. Is good at finding things and is a good person
Okay, well. I'd like to see at least two paragraphs in this section. Both should be at least 4 sentences long. Also, being good at finding things is a skill, not a personality trait. You should move that trait to the Skills/Magic/Powers section.

Since you didn't detail them in the section above, you'll also need to list his:
Quote:
Likes: - What does your character like?
Dislikes: - Anything your character isn't that fond of? Put it here.
Fears: - Most people fear something, be it death, spiders or heights. Your character is probably scared too.
Virtues: Good points about your character that are not covered by battle strengths. Go easy on these.
Vices: Character flaws--weaknesses and the like. Make sure these flaws will make an impact on your character. Try to mention at least as many vices as virtues. Can be in list format.
Quote:
History: Is known for being honest. Travels a lot and likes to be with friends.
Let's assume, for safety, that he doesn't know anyone else in the BA yet. That would make his honesty a personality trait. That he likes to be with his friends is also a personality trait.

A character's history is a synopsis of what brought them to be what and where they are now. It doesn't have to span their entire life, but it would be a great starting place if it could at least cover the key events that made them who they are. As a rule of thumb, a character's history should be at least 3 paragraphs long. Aim for that.


If you think you might have some trouble with any of that, feel free to VM me at any time, and to give any of these characters a look-over:
Cactus
Triphyael
Lyselle Haettln
Devmond Incarnata
Gosh
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  #3 (permalink)   [ ]
Old 05-02-2012, 08:17 PM
SkywardSword11 SkywardSword11 is a male United States SkywardSword11 is offline
Anouki
Steam ID: SkywardSword11
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Aperture Testing Facility
View Posts: 33
Re: The Great War

Thank you for the criticism Drammor. I will make changes as needed. I will make them in due time. Right now I'm busy
__________________
SkywardSword11 is an adoptee of EzloSpirit
"Oh, it's YOU. its been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead. you know after you murdered me? Okay look, we both said a lot of things that you are going to regret. but I think we should put our differences behind us. For science. You monster."
-GLaDOS
Portal 2
Last Edited by SkywardSword11; 05-08-2012 at 08:29 PM. Reason: Reply With Quote
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