Chester Llarano

first character and probably only character, but here it goes. oh, and i'm not a twilight fan, so the vampirism has nothing to do with that.

Name: Chester Lleran
Age: 16
Race: Hylian/vampire
Sex: Male
Hair and eye color: Long, rusty, red hair. Completely black eyes, no white whatsoever.
Height: 5'3" feet/1.524 meters
Weight: 123 pounds/55.7918615 kilograms

Appearance: Pale, unmarked skin covered by his dark blue robe. the robe has archaic markings from the chest to the feet. his long hair covers his right eye, the rest stops at the end of his neck. his head is just an average circular shape. Two fangs protrude from his mouth, occasionally nicking his lower lip or chin, leaving two circular scars. His robe has a hood, but one rarely ever sees him with it up. his fingers protrude from the edges of the robe, giving him the appearance of short hands, which he doesn't have. The lower part of his robe has grass stains due to being to long, it also covers his feet. he does not wear any footwear of any sort.

On his right hip, he carries a small pouch containing herbs and a small dagger. in his right hand, he carries a spell book, which he writes in anytime he thinks of a new spell. both hands are covered with steel gauntlets.

Weapon: small dagger infused with a deadly poison, to which Chester is immune. the dagger has a thin, silver handle, covered in runes. the hilt consists of two points which curve downwards. The blade is composed of silver, Ebony, and steel, making it exceptionally strong.

Armor: two steel gauntlets on both hands.

Carried Possessions:
The bag slung about his left hip, made of a simple weave of raggedy string, beginning to rip due to his dagger carried in it.

Chester carries a spell book in his right hand, consisting of 50 to 60 pages of spell listings and how to conjure them. the majority of the spells he created. the physical appearance of the book would make any potential thief rethink about stealing it. it's cover, spine, and back are made of tree bark wound together with strong vine enhanced with a binding spell.

Powers: his one advantage to being a vampire is being able to pass on the disease. he can either bite his victim anywhere, assuming he draws blood, or he can cast a hex known only by the vampires of the age.

Magic: wide variety of spells, the majority consist of offensive curses. his offensive curses draw from the territory around him, or his own Mana reserve. Chester also has spells that alter his ability to do different things, these consisting of levitate, invisibility, and fortitude attributes. his self defense spells consist of shielding, warping, and telekinesis.

Dark Magic-If in a forest, these spells cost 0 Mana.
-Vampire's bite: (mana cost-0) this spell allows Chester to sap health and Mana from enemies. no mana cost because it comes natural to vampires.
-Internal Constriction: (mana cost-10) places the target in insane pain. this spell constricts the internal organs of the target, most of the time causing internal bleeding and popped organs. because of the severity of the spell, its Mana cost is high.
-Fear: (mana cost-2) a hex often used as an area effect, causing any enemy nearby to halt in fear. this is used often by chester to keep potential thieves, murderers, and explorers away.
-Poison: (mana cost-3) if Chester makes contact with an enemy, he can poison them by casting this spell and palming the enemy.

Self fortification
-Invisibility: (mana cost-4) this spell renders Chester invisible for 60 seconds. falling into water and getting hit by a weapon of some sort will wear off the spell.
-Fortitude health and Intelligence: (mana cost-4) this spell increases chester's maximum health and Intelligence (Intelligence governs his mana reserve too) for 120 seconds. in these two minutes, chester can receive more damage and cast more spells.
-Levitate: (mana cost-1) Levitate is one of Chester's favorite spells, often using it to float himself up to tree branches, tall rocks, etc. due to the often occurence of him using it, it's mana cost has reduced.
-telekinesis: (mana cost-5) with this spell, Chester can grab anything within 50 feet of his position. In villages, this can allow him to be an excellent thief.

Skills: he specializes in Necromancy (mana cost-2), the raising of the dead to do his bidding. this is easy for him because he lives on the graveyard of his ancestors.

Battle strengths:
-Guerilla fighting by casting spells from unkown places in the forest.
-assassination
-his speed. he can avoid swords at a high pace.
-eyesight. he can fight efficiently in dark areas.
-Magical resistance and countering. very resistant to opposing magical spells. Chester can counter any offensive spell at him.

Battle Weaknesses:
-close combat. his thin frame and his lack of ability to use blades causes problems for him.
-fighting in direct sunlight weakens him greatly, reducing his Mana reserves.
-Chester's kind attitude can get him killed in battle.
-Damaged greatly by silver weapons. if stabbed with his own dagger, he would die of the silver, not poison.

Bio:

Born in a small town in the outskirts of Hyrule, Chester Llerano was a normal Hylian. His father and mother both worked to pay for their son's future. He and his family lived in a small, one story house in the suburbs of this town. throughout his early life, he made many friends, which admired him for his kindness and ability to handle physical abuse from the town bullies. he was raised as a normal child from the age of 1 to 13, going to school, playing, all the fun things children do.

On his fourtheenth birthday, a man entered the town, clothed in a robe of dark grey. At noon, he came to the front door of Chester's house and asked for food and shelter. When Chester's parents refused, the man attacked them with teeth, leaving their blood stained throughout the first room of the house. Chester returned to his house at that time from playing with his friends and saw the man hunched over his father's corpse. He attempted to stab him with a kitchen knife, but gasped in horror as the knife blade glanced off the man's skin.

The man bared his bloody, pointed front teeth and said, "Kid, i'm a vampire. that aint gonna do anything!"

After this, he seized chester and bit into his neck, leaving two circular scars. slowly, after a few days, Chester's front teeth grew pointed and he hid from the sun, his skin paling. When this was discovered by the inhabitants of his town, he was thrown out. He travelled at night for 5 days, stopping at farms to steal food. He arrived at Kokiri Forest, where he travelled into. Throughout his journey through the forest, he came across a graveyard, the graves worn and covered with vines and other growths. Reading the names on the graves, he realized that the majority of them were Lleranos. Chester had no idea how this was to be, since his family lived many miles away from this area. He has remained at this place for two years, living off of the forest around him.

Throughout his living here, he has met only one person who did not run away. a female Kokiri who was rather interested in his predicament. They grew to be close friends.

Personality:

At first, bypassers are scared by the white, black eyed demon in the graveyard, because none have stopped and treated him civilized.

Once a being gets to know him, they become less afraid and more confident. Chester is very loyal to friends and would never sell anyone out. He has a hunger for revenge when it comes around however.

Good day, Sniper. My name is Drammor, and I'll be assisting you with the approval of this character. I'm sorry that it has taken so long to get to this character. I've had this file saved in my computer, and I thought I had posted it. My apologies.

So far, it looks like you have a pretty good idea of exactly what this character is. That's good, I like that. So then, shall we get started?

Everything before appearance is fine. His measurements are unusually precise, but I don't think anyone will mind.

Appearance: Pale, unmarked skin covered by his dark blue robe. the robe has archaic markings from the chest to the feet. his long hair covers his right eye, the rest stops at the end of his neck. his head is just an average circular shape. Two fangs protrude from his mouth, occasionally nicking his lower lip or chin, leaving two circular scars. His robe has a hood, but one rarely ever sees him with it up. his fingers protrude from the edges of the robe, giving him the appearance of short hands, which he doesn't have. The lower part of his robe has grass stains due to being to long, it also covers his feet. he does not wear any footwear of any sort.

On his right hip, he carries a small pouch containing herbs and a small dagger. in his right hand, he carries a spell book, which he writes in anytime he thinks of a new spell. both hands are covered with steel gauntlets.

This appearance is difficult to read and understand. If you would, please, make sure that you're using complete sentences to write this section. Also, there's no reason te mention things that your character doesn't have, unless not having them would be unusual. Not having short hands is normal for people, not having one of their hands isn't normal, see? When you write your appearance, pretend that you hadn't mentioned what he is wearing or what he looks like in other places of the profile. Doing this and including that information will help your readers envision what the character looks like.

I also see that you've separated his appearance into two paragraphs, but I cannot see why you've chosen to do this. There's no major change of topic between the two paragraphs, as far as I can tell, so changing the paragraph like that also makes it hard to read. If you do want to have two paragraphs, you could try arranging them so that the first one describes what the character looks like, and the second one describes what he's wearing. As a councilor, I'm not requiring this of you. It's just a recommendation on how to help the character's appearance more clear.

Weapon: small dagger infused with a deadly poison, to which Chester is immune. the dagger has a thin, silver handle, covered in runes. the hilt consists of two points which curve downwards. The blade is composed of silver, Ebony, and steel, making it exceptionally strong.

This is also phrased awkwardly. I'm not actually supposed to help you with composition, but it is something you might want to be aware of. Is Chester immune to the dagger, immune to the poison, or both? Could you define what a "deadly" poison is, how the poison works. You said that the dagger is infused with this poison. Does that mean that the poison is a part of the dagger, or could you mean that it is coated with the poison? Is there anything special about the runes on the dagger? How long is the dagger? How long is the blade? How long is its handle? The hilt of a dagger is essentially everything that isn't the blade. Do you perhaps mean that the points of the dagger's guard curve downward?

I'm especially interested in knowing how the blade of a dagger can be made of two kinds of metal and one kind of wood. Can you explain that for me?

[quote/Armor: two steel gauntlets on both hands. [/quote]
You could just say "A pair of steel gauntlets." There really isn't any other place to wear gauntlets. Besides, the way it is now kind of makes it look like he's wearing two gauntlets on each hand.

How heavy are these gauntlets? How articulate are they? Are they cast to the shape of his hands, or are they more generic than that? These aren't questions that you need to answer directly, what I'm trying to get at is... how dexterous can he be while wearing these gauntlets?

Carried Possessions:
The bag slung about his left hip, made of a simple weave of raggedy string, beginning to rip due to his dagger carried in it.

Chester carries a spell book in his right hand, consisting of 50 to 60 pages of spell listings and how to conjure them. the majority of the spells he created. the physical appearance of the book would make any potential thief rethink about stealing it. it's cover, spine, and back are made of tree bark wound together with strong vine enhanced with a binding spell.

It's fine if this is what you want to have, but how does the book's appearance discourage thieves? Also, although this portion should go into either his skills or magic section, how does he create spells?

Powers: his one advantage to being a vampire is being able to pass on the disease. he can either bite his victim anywhere, assuming he draws blood, or he can cast a hex known only by the vampires of the age.

Can you explain what this disease does, please? Also, tell me more about this hex. How is it cast, what does it look like, how long does it take to cast?


I see that you've given Chester's spells mana costs. What I do not see, however, is how much mana Chester has, and how he recovers mana. Could you include that information, please?

We'll come back to the spells section, later, but it will need a little work.

Battle strengths:
-Guerilla fighting by casting spells from unkown places in the forest.
-assassination
-his speed. he can avoid swords at a high pace.
-eyesight. he can fight efficiently in dark areas.
-Magical resistance and countering. very resistant to opposing magical spells. Chester can counter any offensive spell at him.

Could you explain what you mean by unknown places?

What does assassination mean, in this context? Since it sounds to me like it involves instantly killing his enemies, this is probably a no-no here in the EH, but I'd like to hear your explanation, first.

Could you explain his speed in greater detail, please? It's very vague right now. How does it help him avoid swords? Does it only help against swords? O_o

What is an opposing spell? How does his resistance manifest? How resistant is he?

From the sound of it, this countering makes him effectively immune to magic. I'd like to see that one explained further, as well, but it seems like a very powerful ability which should probably go in his powers/magic/skills section rather than his strengths section.

Battle Weaknesses:
-close combat. his thin frame and his lack of ability to use blades causes problems for him.
-fighting in direct sunlight weakens him greatly, reducing his Mana reserves.
-Chester's kind attitude can get him killed in battle.
-Damaged greatly by silver weapons. if stabbed with his own dagger, he would die of the silver, not poison.

He can't use blades? What kinds of blades? If this includes daggers, why is his only weapon a dagger?

Please explain how fighting in sunlight weakens him. Does it only reduce how much mana he has? By how much does it affect his mana? Does it affect anything else?

The part about his attitude is a personality trait, and belongs in his personality section, not his battle weaknesses section.

The last part, here. Does this mean that if he's injured by a silver weapon, it will kill him? If not, please explain this a bit more.


We'll go over his bio when we touch on the powers/magic/skills section, okay?

Personality:

At first, bypassers are scared by the white, black eyed demon in the graveyard, because none have stopped and treated him civilized.

Once a being gets to know him, they become less afraid and more confident. Chester is very loyal to friends and would never sell anyone out. He has a hunger for revenge when it comes around however.

This... no. His personality is not what other people think of him, and it is not the effect that he has on other people. The other parts are okay, but I have a small list of characters I like to reference when I want to see more from a personality. I want you to read them, and then try making Chester's personality again, please. They are: any of Altamira's Cadenza Madrigal, Cookie's Leona D'Arcangelo, Fairess' Leonna Fallenstar, and Shrub's Khaz Serwen and Rontu Nyzento. All of those are excellent examples of characters with detailed and well-thought-out personalities. They're also all good characters to check for other stuff, like inspiration on how to describe a character's appearance.

Okay, that looks like it for right now. Take care of those for me, and we should be almost done with this approval.