The Fall of Hell

[nikuvillain]

Please make any comments you would like. I'm going to finish this one and this fiction is about Umi. I will be working on making posts as fast as I can. I hope everybody likes your welcome to make comments. Oh, I said that already so let the prologue start us off on a wonderful trip.

The Fall of Hell

Prologue

Deep in the hellish spiritual world of the dead, demon magic intensified and manifested in the sky. The normal darkness of the sky transformed into a bloody cloud fog filled sky. The high uses of the magic filled the land with a sucking odor of rotting flesh. Every night the sounded of dark magic breaking into the rocks from the forbidden den, that ran deep underground through out the world. The thick magical atmosphere quickly became a deadly mist to the weak spirits that resided in hell. Day after day they wished that the torment and pain of the thick mist of magic would clear.

The lord sat at his throne awaiting a visited from one of his many massager. The vast empty room with only his throne and a single window. The full moon light reached on into most of the throne room. He hoped for some good news about his mission on finding it. Sounds of heels tipping on the marble tile floor, coming closer to the door of his chambers. The lord couldn’t understand why he heard the sound of heel tonight. It wasn’t everyday he sees a female massager coming to him. Fact he never heard of a massager being a woman or a women doing more then research. All women in hell are known for being smarter and therefore never have a chance to meet the king. The footsteps stopped, the lager creaking door opened up. The woman saw nothing but the dark shadow at the end of the room. She couldn’t see the confused look in the lord face. “My lord, they think they found it,” the tall women said holding a piece of paper in her rough skinned hand.

The demon lord wasn’t sure want to say to the news. He didn’t hear the news the women spoke of. He was much too confused about the massager her self. Her muscular body, demon powers that far when pass any normal women in hell. Yet she dressed tonight like a lady to meet him. He could tell she had been through the hellish training of the army, but at the same time learned how to dress in front of her lord. Snapping out of his thoughts from her strong commanding voice he didn’t reply at first. He couldn’t since he didn’t hear anything she had said. Finally, he heard the news for the first time and fiery burned in his eyes, glaring down at the demon. His enraged mood made the women shake in fear, but she couldn‘t understand why.

It was clear to her the king didn’t like the news and the massager didn‘t want to be in the room anymore. She slowly backed away from his highness. Her heels clacking on her way out to the door, but stopped at the door by the demon lord. She fell down on the ground trying to move backwards, but the formal dress she worn made it hard to move. She wanted to say more, but the words were having a hard time coming out. “Th- the- they,” she managed to spit out, her voice trembling in fear. She could feel how much higher his powers were to her. She felt weak, his highness was power was stronger then any other demon she ever felt. “The workers are sure it’s there. They asked for you to come down and see,” she finally finished mumbling out.

The lord’s wrath clamed down and a smile came to his face again. He swung his large cap towards the door and then appeared to disappear as he ran off to the cave. Excitement took over all other feeling at that moment; he couldn’t wait to meet the legend herself. All he could think about on his run to the den was her legendary history and the powers she possessed. The lord reached the cave and heard the sound of some lager smashing into the cave walls. He took a step forward; a powerful magical force over powered him, knocking him on his butt.

“My Lord!” guards and demon miner screamed, running out of the Haima Den. “A ancient seal was put on the her. Could it that her soul wasn’t put into a sword?” The head miner asked his voice trembled and his little body shook at the thought of the vampire being a live.

[Pàxèn]

Well there are a few typos to start, not thats any real problem man. Everyone does and its ridiculous to expect a person not too when typing for a long time.

Going to take it paragraph by paragraph.

In the second line you use the word sky twice, when read it doesn't flow. Replace the second sky with 'mass' or something to that effect. Infact the first paragraph doesn't flow very well at all. Not trying to be offensive here but from a readers perspective it is very fragmented.

First line has a few typos but it fine other than that. However the second line seems like something you shoved in and once again its fragmented. Not that I am in any form to write but something like this may work better.

"The lord sat at his throne awaiting a visit from one of his many messengers. The room was filled with a foreboding and its vast size did nothing to allieviate the constant tension, the only reprieve was through the single arched window."

Now I would love to continue but I am being called away.

[nikuvillain]

Originally Posted by Pàxèn

Well there are a few typos to start, not thats any real problem man. Everyone does and its ridiculous to expect a person not too when typing for a long time.

Going to take it paragraph by paragraph.

In the second line you use the word sky twice, when read it doesn't flow. Replace the second sky with 'mass' or something to that effect. Infact the first paragraph doesn't flow very well at all. Not trying to be offensive here but from a readers perspective it is very fragmented.

First line has a few typos but it fine other than that. However the second line seems like something you shoved in and once again its fragmented. Not that I am in any form to write but something like this may work better.

"The lord sat at his throne awaiting a visit from one of his many messengers. The room was filled with a foreboding and its vast size did nothing to allieviate the constant tension, the only reprieve was through the single arched window."

Now I would love to continue but I am being called away.

Ok, I'll watch out for that it could have happen on one of many read backs I did. I'll try and keep that in mind when I go back and check things to watch out of fragments more.

[Dark WotS]

Hmm...my primary concern here isn't so much the typos, but rather some of the confusing grammar. I know it's not your best suit, so I'll let it pass. I do feel that it could've been a bit more climactic and cliffhanger-ish. It caught my attention, though. You're definitely a lot better than when you first came to ZU.

Oh, and I don't expect you to answer, as this is a rather personal question... But do you have a variety of dyslexia? If so, there are treatments for various forms of it. The treatments can be costly, but they would make writing a lot less stressful for you, since you wouldn't have as much trouble with grammar and spelling. Just a suggestion.

[nikuvillain]

Chapter 1

A strong gust of wind blew the pink hair of the sword through the air. The long hair danced behind the demon’s back. He bent down at the edge of the cliff that over saw the large city of Humder. The city that is said to never sleep. Umi found himself going nowhere on his journeying to become stronger. It was slowly becoming clear that maybe he shouldn’t have left the demon world. He could see this realm wasn’t made for demons to live and get stronger.

It’s been years since he left his homeland and fled to the human realm. Everything in this place pissed him off and his sword never helped his mood. The gray clouds above him were now forcing him to seek a place to stay. He glared on at the town thinking about what to do.

“Just kill them Umi,” Niku said opening her eyes from her nap. She always knew what the demon was thinking. This is why he hated the sword more then anything else in the world. There was one other thing that he hated more, but he left that behind long ago.

“That’ll take to long and I don‘t feel like wasting my time on humans right now,” Umi snarled as he got up from crouching. “Humans are the most useless creatures ever made.”

“They all should die. So, why don’t you kill them?” She asked, worried about Umi willingness to not kill others at the end of a fight. She always hated this about him and his code of fighting. She knew that he’d been in the human world for too long. She only wished he could go back to being the demon that he was when they first met. Deep down she didn’t wish to be with a demon that didn’t kill everything weaker then itself.

“We have better things to do then kill unless being. I need to get stronger then I am now,” he mumbled with anger in his voice. She’d pissed him off with questioning his ideas. He knew what he wanted and getting into a fight with weak humans wasn’t going to take care of that goal. “Lets go.”

He turned his back to the city that he over looked and walked off into the forest. “Like I have much of a choice Umi,” Niku snarled back. She found it stupid that he would tell her that. “I can only go where you take me fool. Or have you forgot that?”

“Trust me I haven’t forgot. There’s a reminder on my back everyday.” Umi wasn’t in the best of moods with haven’t to find a place to stay. The sword questioning the things that he does wasn‘t making it better. He thought about leaving her but knew that would leave him less powerful than he already was.

“I can’t help that I’m in this sword. You released me on that day for my power so deal with it,” Niku quickly shouted back closing her eyes.

“I wasn’t talking about the damn sword. I was talking about the big egoist vampiric being behind me,” He mumbled, but she could hear every word the demon said.

“You could always leave me behind and go. Go ahead and try to get stronger on your own!” she yelled, angry that he would dare say that about her. “I hope you die one day Umi. I have no need to be with a weak demon like you anyway.”

“You need me more then I need you. If it weren’t for me you wouldn’t be able to move around. You’d be in that lonely basement still.” Umi came to a stopped with out warning and glanced around the dark forest. All he could see was tress everywhere he looked. The moonlight didn’t even reach through the thick leaves in the forest. He only could feel the light breeze that swirled through the place.

“I hate you Umi!” Niku screamed not noticing the demon had stopped. Umi grabbed the end of his sword ready to take action. He knew he heard something, but couldn’t find out where in was in the forest. He couldn’t see it nor smell whatever it was that he heard.

“Shh!” Umi said quietly and slowly lifting the sword off his back. A smile came over his face as he thought about the strength of this thing. Niku finally took notice that the demon was ready to do battle with something. She too couldn’t feel the being moving around through the trees.



The demon lord smiled and laughed at what his worker told him. He wasn’t worried about the vampire coming to life and killing them. He knew the history of the legendary being and that her soul no longer was in this realm. “Don’t worry. The seal was most likely to keep us out of this place,” He said taking a step closer to the cave. He had finally found the power he wanted; the power to take over all realms.

The demon lord didn’t notice he was being watched. He didn’t sense any others around him. At the edge of the city just a mile from the cave a man in a blood red shirt and black pants crouched on top of a build. He didn’t look like any demon nor was he a weak human soul.

The strange man watched as the demon workers and the lord when into the cave. He could feel the great power that still pulsed weakly out the cave. He could smell the sweet powerful magic in the air. He gave an evil smile showing the fangs of a vampire.

“Master…” he uttered in a deep sick voice. The man licked the fangs still watching from a mile away. He could see the demon lord as if he was standing in front of him. “I’m coming for you… just wait.”

He disappeared from the building giving the only hint that he was around as he left. The man landed himself on top of a building on earth. He glazed at the moonlight that bathed its light on the realm. He can heard each person around him; blocking whoever he wished. One by one the man listened for a voice a sound of the true demon lord.

He knew the history, the legend of the great vampire that almost took over hell back many years ago. He watched, as she was sealed in the kings black ash bladed. He watched as the king fell to his own son’s hand and released the blade from its sleep. He still remembered the young boy’s name that took his chance to save her. The name rung in his mind everyday that he was left to watch and wait for the right time to get her back.

He kept searching through the endless people that filled the planet. He wasn’t going to let other chance like this pass up again. With his master body free finally he’ll be able to restore her power again. He was her guardian; that what she always told him. “I wasn’t talking about the damn sword. I was talking about the big egoist vampiric being behind me,” he heard Umi said miles away in the forest.

“I Fin-,” he begun to say getting cut off by an old man coming through the door to the roof. He glared at the man walking through the metal door. The old man straddled at him standing at the edge of the roof like a bird. “I don’t have time to deal with you,” He said disappearing from the roof.

The old man didn’t know what just happen. One minute he saw a man on his roof and that next his was gone like the wind. “Wha-, what was that?” he mumbled falling to the ground.

“Nothing you will be able to tell to anyone,” a dark evil voice said within the man’s mind. A shadowy figure walked calmly and slowly out from behind the door. He passed by the old man only to brush his body up against the old man. He glazed at the moonlight that gleamed down on his face. An explosion went off inside the old man’s body that sent a strong gust of wind and dirt at him. Everything that flew at the mysterious man seemed to miss his body. An evil grin went across his face as his laughed on top of the roof.


Where is he at, Umi thought, glaring hard into the forest trying to see in the black of night. The demon red eyes glowed as he forced himself to see more of the forest. He held the sword tighter ready to attack anything that attacked him.

The young man looked on that the demon trying to find him. He didn’t think the demon was that sharp with his skill to sense things around him. “You’re better then hell’s new ruler, demon,” The man said standing on top of a nearby tree.

“What the hell do you want?” Umi asked being pissed at this game that the man was playing. The man voice sounded like it came from everywhere around him. Umi grinded down on his teeth. Blood came out of his mouth as he pierced through the forest with his eyes.

“You’ll grown much since the last time I saw you, Umi,” the man said looking at the demon try and find where he was at. “But I’m going to take her back!”

He jumped down from the tree pulling out a small sword from behind his back. Umi finally could tell where he was and swung his sword at him. The wind danced between the two men as he came down with his short sword. The odd man’s power shot out of his body smashing into the sword before he’d reached the blade. “Die!”