Sorry to break it to you, but I couldn't finish reading your story, because I couldn't follow it! It made absolutely no sense the way you wrote it. I couldn't even figure out what was happening, let alone how or why anything was happening. :confused:
I'm sure you have good ideas for your story, but I think you need some help with your writing skills. With a little help, you could really bring your imagination across to your readers, but not the way your story is now. If you're ever interested in improving your writing, PM me, or even come see me, or one of the other teachers, in the BA school!