[Zorolo] Rukmini's Training

All things happen for a reason, a single action can cause a chain of seemingly unrelated events to occur, and somehow through all of this a great goal is produced. Something that makes you sit back and think, ‘wow, how did this happen,’ in the end the threads of destiny do not mess around without, and don’t play games with humans lives. Each action is preformed to set in motion another action and in turn keep the world spinning. Action, reaction, and then the pattern repeat itself. Over time this pattern becomes so a part of our lives we feel the need to chalk things up to coincidence, in reality there is no such thing. That is merely our minds unable to comprehend the actions that have transpired we create an illogical conclusion to makeup for out lack of interpretation.

The cold autumn morning yielded to no man or women, as the harshness of winter was just around the corner. The Forest path was dimly lit from the rising ball of orange and red that peaked over the mountains far to the right of the path. It was a quiet morning; nothing could be heard bar the gentle rustling of deeply coloured trees as their feather like leaves floated to the ground, and the gentle trotting of a small girl and her walking stick.

The chilling breeze did nothing to chill the girl, despite her light attire-That left her arms and leg bare- she could barely feel the frozen wind. Though on the outside she seemed small and weak, on the inside she was a fire of passion and strength. Her soul and righteous heart burned brightly through he smile, heating her up to face the wind that threatened to block her path. Just another obstacle in the path of life, one of the many she had to go through, and like all the others this one would not stop her. She would continue to walk forward no matter how cold the world around her got.

A high-pitched yelp and the rustle of footsteps moving much faster then hers, The Silent dawn broke “Wait stop, Brian come back,” Looking behind her the girl spotted two people running towards her, one very short and probably no older then eight years old, the other much older, most likely her mother.

Everything happened for a reason. Rukmini reached out her hand and grabbed the boy by the cuff of his shirt as he ran by, “Thank you so much, I’m sorry for the trouble he just gets excited,”

“It’s no problem,” She said with a laugh.

“Phooey, you never let me do anything fun,’ the boy said with a pout.

“Brian the woods are dangerous to play in alone,” The mother said sternly before looking back to Rukmini, “Let me cook you some breakfast for your kindness, my house is only a quarter mile back,”

“There’s no…” She started before being cut off.

“OH I insist!” Defeated Kim simply shrugged and followed her; it was just easier that way. The walk was short, and the women had a lot of question for her, mostly concerning the fact she was traveling alone through a dangerous part of the woods, and about her strange limp. Mini replied as simply as she could, sparring the details where necessary, in the end the women seemed satisfied with the answers and started up on a long winded chats on “Kids these days,”

As they turned the path to the women’s house they where welcomed with the sound of yelling. Three men in black masks, and riding horses where facing them, swords in their hands, “If you wish to live, leave now” The middle horseman said.

“Daddy, “Brian said moving forward, ‘Where is Daddy,” Brian tried to run but his mother caught him, only then did Rukmini see it, on the back of the man’s stallion was a slumped unmoving body.

“The lord is coming with us,” The masked fiend hissed.

“I can’t let you do that,” The girl stepped forward with her walking stick, “Give him up or I will take him by force,”

“Girl, you do not know what you are doing. We do not wish to harm strangers but if you do not stand aside we will be forced to kill you,” Kim only smiled, as if to say ‘try it’. Without hesitation the man singled the two men on his flanks to fire. Two arrows whizzed through the air towards the almost awkwardly calm girl.

Clink.

The two missiles fell, broken, and the girl only smiled holding her blade in hand as she returned her Jian to its scabbard, “I wont say this again, give him up.” The Man didn’t reply, but his horse did. Neighing loudly it charged forward giving the stranger no choice but to roll away to avoid getting trample. Getting to her feet she looked at the remaining family, “Do you have a horse?”

“Yes but..”

“Bring it quickly,”

“Brian,” The mother said nodding to the boy, as he ran off,” but why would you do this for us,” She asked as Brian returned with the horse.

“Simply,” She said getting on the horse, “because I can,” With that she gave chase blocking the cries of thank you. It didn’t take her long to catch up, the men had not expected a pursuer so they where taking it slow. A vital mistake, when they saw the dust from her ride in the distance they sped up. They must have thought the girl so foolish to give chase for a man she did not know.

The chase lasted over an hour, long after the brightly coloured forest passed from sight, and until they where running along side an almost hundred foot cliff, a river raging below. Turning sharply the instigators turned towards a rope bridge, running one at a time across it, seconds late the Stranger followed only to realize her mistake too late.

A snapping sound was the last thing she heard. She could feel herself falling, the steed beneath her seemingly detaching from her as she fell. She couldn’t hear anything, not the rushing river below her, the maniacal laughter of victor above her, or even the sounds of her own frightened scream All she could hear was her inner voice calling her a failure. The world faded to black. All things happen for a reason, but sometimes the reason is not what we expect.

OoC: That will do nicely.

All in all, this iss a very good opening, Puck-kun, just a few minor things that I'd like to ask you to work on grammatically.

First: When you finish a line of dialogue and nothing follows it, put a period instead of a comma. Nothing is continuing on that line of thought, so why put a comma?

Example:

“Bring it quickly,”

Should be:

“Bring it quickly.”

Second: I know you have that odd tendency to capitalize things in the middle of sentences, and that doesn't bother me unless its something after a line of dialogue. Unless its a person's name, try to restrict your doing that after dialogue, okay? ^_^

Example:

“It’s no problem,” She said with a laugh.

“Brian the woods are dangerous to play in alone,” The mother said sternly before

Should be:

“It’s no problem,” she said with a laugh.

“Brian the woods are dangerous to play in alone,” the mother said sternly before

Lastly: With commas, you tend to go overboard. Try to limit the use of commas in your writing and the amount of complex sentences and dependent clauses. These things are great for variety, but if you use them too much, they sour the reader's interest. A simple sentence is great for emphasis, as I'm sure you know. ^_^

Example:

All things happen for a reason, a single action can cause a chain of seemingly unrelated events to occur, and somehow through all of this a great goal is produced. Something that makes you sit back and think, ‘wow, how did this happen,’ in the end the threads of destiny do not mess around without, and don’t play games with humans lives. Each action is preformed to set in motion another action and in turn keep the world spinning. Action, reaction, and then the pattern repeat itself. Over time this pattern becomes so a part of our lives we feel the need to chalk things up to coincidence, in reality there is no such thing. That is merely our minds unable to comprehend the actions that have transpired we create an illogical conclusion to makeup for out lack of interpretation.

Should be:

All things happen for a reason. A single action can cause a chain of seemingly unrelated events to occur. Somehow, through all of this, a great goal is produced. Something that makes you sit back and think, ‘wow, how did this happen?’ In the end, the threads of destiny do not mess around without nor do they play games with humans lives. Each action is performed to set in motion another action and, in turn, keep the world spinning. Action, reaction, and then the pattern repeats itself. Over time, this pattern becomes so a part of our lives we feel the need to chalk things up to coincidence. In reality, there is no such thing. That is merely our minds unable to comprehend the actions that have transpired. We create an illogical conclusion to makeup for out lack of interpretation.

All right, in that paragraph alone, I found at least three or four different kinds of comma error or confusions. So I'm gonna quickly review the few important ones I found:

Period of Time: When time passes or an event occurs, a comma is needed to signify that. (Such as when the words: Suddenly, immediately, after a little while, soon after, following, ect...)

Sentence Combining: It is used to combine two complete sentences with a comma and a conjunction verb. (,and; ,but; ,so; ,for; ,or; ,nor; ,because)

Linking dependent clauses: Dependent clauses are extra information added to an independent clause. If a dependent clause is in the middle of a sentence, you have commas on both sides of it, if its at the end you put a comma where the independent clause ends and the dependent begins and wraps it up with period.

Well, that's all I can really find. I'm sure you know most of this stuff, but I figure its good to remind myself too. ^_^ Anyway, next assignment:

Assignment Time:

Now that Rukmini's met her maker, it seems, its time for logic to bend in its entirety. She'll wake up inside of the Dome's Infirmary. From there, have her ask someone else inside of the Infirmary about where she is and how she got there. The person will only be able to give limited answers on some of the things, but he will remotely explain the Dome to her. From there, end your post with Rukmini heading into the halls of the Dome to look for someone with better information. Er... 600 word minimum. ^_^

My Microsoft word must be in crack, it told me to put those commas in at the end of my quotations much to my annoyance. So I left them, much easier to let you correct them then write with those insufferable green squiggly lines in my face, argh how I hate them.

Also I really should check over my posts for errors, cause I know all the rules they just never seem to find themselfs on paper the first time I write anything, luckily I have a list of excuses for this, *Pulls out a lengthy Document and reads in a monotone Voice*

Anyway, I'll edit this post later with my reply...maybe I'll actually check over my post first. Or maybe I wont so you'll actually have some work to do, MUHAHAHAHAHA.

Edit:

“Remember, Remember,” a small almost child like voice shook her out of her sleep. Her eyes shooting open she could hardly see, the world around her seemed foggy and dim, “The fifth of November,” there was that voice coming from, with a considerable amount of strength she forced herself to a sitting position, ignoring the throbbing in her head. Looking around she still could see nothing but a haze of colours, “The gunpowder Treason and plot,” turning sharply she say the vague figure of a child, “I see no reason why this gunpowder treason, shall ever be forgot…Oh you are awake,”

Rubbing her eyes she finally got her focus back, her eyes still fixated on the small boy, “where am I?”

“That’s an illogical question, to be in a place you have never seen, near a boy you have never seen, you still ask where you are despite the fact no matter what answer I could possible give you it would not serve to quell your thirst for knowledge but only leave you more confused. I can not simply tell you where you are, for you would not understand, you must figure that out for yourself,” great, stuck in a room with a child philosopher, what else could go wrong.

“Then what should I ask?” Rukmini said looking around the room for any signs of where she might be, but sadly the plain white walls held no answers, nor did plain white beds that lined the wall of the room.

“If I tell you what questions to ask then that would neglect the purpose of asking a question. Such a question is asked for knowledge; if you do not know what knowledge you are seeking then you are better off not asking any question at all,” wrong again, this was getting irritating.

“Okay…then what am I doing here,” taking a closer look at the boy, who was sitting up in his bed across from her, she noticed his arm was in a cast and that his skin was deathly white as where his eyes.

“Ahh, A brilliant question, the answer is of course what any one would expect and that is quite simple; you are resting. Or rather where resting, for three days I might add, but now you are not. It seems your time has finally come to see what the world truly is. For so long you have been sleeping, I hope this awaking is not to hard for you.”

“You…are one weird kid.”

“what makes you think I am a child?”

“You look like one.”

“When I was a child I thought like a child, I acted like a child, I reasoned like a child now that I am an adult I have put my childish ways behind me. Appearance is nothing more then an illusion, a disguise, something your mind created to hide away the truth. Your eyes deceive you.”

“So then, what are you.”

“A Child.”

“I hate you.”

“An interesting choice of words, Hate is such an interesting word. To feel so strongly against something, that every time you see something a blackness wells up inside you ready to explode. Your mind races, your heart beats, you want it to disappear but it wont, it stays haunting you. That is Hate,” the boy said with a smile.

“I’m getting no where’s with you,” Rukmini said swinging her leg over the side of her bed, only then to realize she didn’t have her walking stick with her.

“You are simply asking the wrong questions.”

“Fine I’ll play your game, tell me then. What is this place called?”

“This ‘Place’ as you called it, is simply known as the ‘Dome’. Though calling it a ‘place’ is a misdemeanour, it is not a singularity it is everything it is everywhere. A place can only exist on one pane of existence at a single time, but this ‘Dome’ is everywhere and nowhere. It is the anomaly of the entire universe and beyond. An Existence without a body, a place without a location, it is time itself.”

“Next time keep it simple.”

“No,” he said simply, “it seems your time is almost here, I have time to answer one of your questions, think carefully.”

“Why am I here?”

“To See,” with that the boy simply lay back in his bed and closed his eyes. With a sigh Rukmini painfully got to her feet as she heard a creaking sound. Turning she saw the door to the room had opened by itself, and beside it her walking stick was leaning. Taking it in hand she traversed the dome for the first time.

OoC: I fixed the first two problems in this, but i got lazy when looking for teh comma mistakes. Bah, Comma's are my mortal enemy. Lalala.

Very good post. Okay, time to move onwards and upwards.

Assignment Time:

Time for Rukmini to go for a walk around the Dome. The vast halls of the Dome are mostly open, save for student/Teacher rooms. Have her look around a little bit, but end your post with her finding herself in the Fountain Room. 650 word minimum.