[Altamira] Ivan Thompson's Training

[Glass]

OOC: Ok, here we go!

BIC:“Hehe, just watch 'dem Klovans run.”

“Yeah, you said it, Clyve. Bastards think they can come and take over OUR planet, eh? Well, we showed 'em!”

“Yeah. But it's almost like their retreat is half-assed. I mean, look. They haven't got all their gear together, and they keep slowing down once in a while, as if they're waiting for something...”

“Aww, that's just old paranoid you, Kade. Our mortar cannons will finish them if they try anything!”

“You're probably right. Smoke?”

“Sure.”

***Meanwhile***

“Blaze up.”

The command was whispered from the mouth of Chief Blazer Ivan Thompson. Behind him, ten other Blazers prepared themselves for the inevitable skirmish. Ivan shoved his Blaze attachment into his SPEAR and waited for five seconds as the other soldiers did the same.

“NOW!” Ivan roared as he charged into the enemy encampment from behind. The other Blazers came in behind him, their guns, well, blazing.

All according to plan, thought Ivan, as he held down the trigger. After hearing the Blaze Squad work their magic, the rest of the offense will charge forward. It was perfect.

The Blazers worked their was to the mortar cannons. The cannons were six hundred feet long, and eight hundred feet tall. They could rip through anything, and they were the reason the UNKD could not advance until now. The Blaze Squad ran through the enemy encampment as fires started going off all around them and gunshots were fired in their direction. Their GUARDs mostly protected them, although like Kevlar, it still left a few bruises.

***Meanwhile***

Kade scrambled up the path in total confusion. What was going on? He ducked a flaming hunk of metal, and tripped on a box of supplies. He got back up, and quickly made his way to the mortar cannons. A troop of Klovans were making their way towards it, their guns ripping through the defenses. The moonlight glinted off the metallic steel of their armor. Kade made his way to the mortars. He had a plan.

***Meanwhile***

“Sir!” the young Cadet yelled as he ran headfirst into the old dusty tent.

The old general looked up from a map of the area.

“The Klovans have started to fight back! Their making their way to our mortars! Decision?” the Cadet asked eagerly.

The general thought for a moment, then replied.

“Bring out the hostages.”

***Meanwhile***

“Press forward!” Ivan yelled over the heated battle. The troops started to run as fast as their GUARDs would let them, and brought themselves to the edge of the mortars.

“Ok, this is what we're gonna—“

Charlotte's voice started up in his helmet.

“Ivan, look! Across the field, in the center of the mortars!”

Ivan swiveled around to get a better look. He gasped. Twenty Klovans, by the look of them civilians, all crowded around a mass of metal.

“Charlotte, suit zoom.”

“Coming up”

The AI started up Ivan's suit zoom. After a second, his visor turned a shade of orange, and targeting reticules (mostly for sniping and reconnaissance) filled his vision. A small bar to the side showed how zoomed in he was. The targeting feature placed it's five reticules automatically placed themselves on the enemy, standing on the opposite side of the field.

“Crap. The metal's a bomb!” He zoomed in further.

“Two minutes. But the countdown hasn't started.”

A voice suddenly sprang out of nowhere, amplified from some sort of speaker.

“Klovans. We have here twenty of your kind. Surrender, and we won't...ah...for lack of a better term slaughter them all. We have a timed explosive, and although the explosion will be small, it'll start a chain reaction with the mortars, blowing us all up! We will be victorious in heaven, while you will be smoldering in hell! You have thirty seconds to surrender before we start the timer.”

The voice cut out. The Blaze Squad just stood there, frozen in place. Ivan was the first to react. “Ok men, we have to rescue those hostages.”

“But we'll all die!”

“No we won't. We can do this.”

“But-”

“WE. CAN. DO. THIS. Now, follow me. Stay close together.”

The Chief Blazer crouched low and made his way over to the bomb site.

PLINK!

A shot went right over Ivan's head.

“SNIPER!”

***Meanwhile***

Kade grinned, holding the smoking sniper rifle in his hands. They had nowhere to hide. An open field was perfect. He aimed down the scope of his sniper rifle again. They were running around on the ground, trying to make a run for the bombsite.

PLINK!

Kade sniped one in the head. He aimed again.

PLINK!

Another bites the dust. Kade looked over at the bomb site. The general was crouched over the bomb, starting the timer.

***Meanwhile***

Ivan and most of the Blaze Squad entered the small clearing in the center of the ring of mortars. Immediately, bullets started firing over their heads. The Blaze Squad started to fire back. Ivan glanced over at the bomb.

“Ninety Seconds,” Charlotte's voice said in his helmet. “Go get the hostages, Ivan.”

Ivan jumped up over a box, and charged for the ring of hostages. He put Charlotte on speakers.

“As soon as Ivan unties you, get as far away as you can from here, preferably south to our troops. Clear?”

Ivan didn't wait for an answer, as pulled out his combat knife and hacked away at the bondings.

“Sixty seconds, Ivan!”

The Blaze Squad surrounded Ivan as he worked, keeping off the enemy. As Ivan freed the last hostage Charlotte shouted in his helmet.

“Ivan, the bomb!”

Ivan looked over. There was two seconds left.

***Seconds Before***

Kade looked through his sniper zoom at the action below. The leader was almost done freeing the Klovan Scum. Time to put his plan into action. Kade pulled a round, metal disk from his backpack. He layed it on the ground and opened the antenna. The contraption sprang to life, and Kade entered the ten letter code, FOR_HEAVEN. The timer on the bomb below reset it's timer to ten seconds, and began counting down.

***Meanwhile***

The world seemed to go in slow motion. He could faintly hear bullets going off in the distance, the shouts of orders felt so faint. Ivan could audibly hear his own heartbeat. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. He reached over for the bomb, but he knew it was too late. He saw the timer click zero. A last thought crossed his mind. His hand immediately went for his LEECH. He pulled it out, pointed it at the bomb and waited. That was the last thing he saw.

***An undetermined amount of time later***

Ivan woke up and finished the scream he had started when the bomb went off. He looked around. He was flouting in what looked like space, which made him glad he had his GUARD, which let him breath out in the black nothingness.

“What the--” Charlotte exclaimed.

Ivan stared around, trying to remember what happened prior. The explosion. The LEECH.

Ivan looked around and found the LEECH drifting off to his side. He reached over and grabbed it.

“Why are we in space, Charlotte?”

“The explosion had some sort of weird reaction to the LEECH, propelling us out here. I thought you had died from the blast.”

“Yeah, but it looks like I'm done for anyways. At least you'll live forever. I have food and water to worry about.”

“Yeah...what do you think happened to everyone back in the warzone.”

“I think my LEECH stopped the bomb from exploding, absorbing it instead.”

“At least they're OK.”

Ivan looked over his LEECH. It seemed intact.

“Ivan be care--”

Ivan's finger accidentally pressed the button to release the captured energy.

BOOM!

An explosion rocketed out of the LEECH, thankfully in the opposite direction of Ivan. Ivan was propelled through space by the explosion. The trouble was, a planet was right in his path. At least it wasn't a star, right? Ivan crashed through the atmosphere, and blacked out again.

***A few hours later***

Ivan woke up in a daze. He was lying in a weird flower like organism.

“Thank god you're awake! I think this weird plant took most of the pressure. How can it do that?”

“Not right now Charlotte. I'm still only half awake.” Ivan mumbled. He looked around. The air was thick with a purple fog, and Ivan struggled to make his way through it.

“Thermals please, Charlotte.”

Charlotte turned on the thermals, and Ivan fell back on his butt in wonder. Charlotte laughed, but then saw what he was looking at and stopped. In front of them was a giant...blob. It had to be. The thermals showed it was alive. The mist cleared, and Ivan caught his first glimpse of the dome.

“How can a building be alive?” Charlotte asked.

“I don't know, but a building means people, and people means food and water” Ivan said as he took his first tentative steps towards it.

OOC: 1357 words!

[Puck]

Hello Student, Puck would like to welcome you to his class, as you are no doubt aware Puck is Super-Boss-Lady-Aiko-Chan's Favourite* TA. Puck hopes he is able to help you craft your art, and maybe learn a little bit himself.

*Puck is not really Aiko's Favourite

Originally Posted by Glass

“Hehe, just watch 'dem Klovans run”

First thing's first, you see how this is a sentence right? Well I do not, because sentence's are ended by a punctuation mark. Such as a period. Go back to all your quotes and make sure they have proper punctuation. Yaaaay~

The command was whispered from the mouth of Chief Blazer Ivan Thompson. Behind him, ten other Blazers prepared themselves for the inevitable skirmish. Ivan shoved his Blaze attachment into his SPEAR and waited for five seconds. The other soldiers did the same.

These two sentences are very short and choppy, taking a way from the flow of the paragraph. See if you can combine the two sentences, kay.

“NOW!” Ivan roared,* as he charged into the enemy encampment from behind. The other Blazers came in behind him, their guns, well, blazing.

*That comma should not be there.

The Blazers worked their was to the mortar cannons. The cannons were six hundred feet long, and eight hundred feet tall. They could rip through anything, and they were the reason the UNKD could not advance until now. The Blaze Squad ran through the enemy encampment, fires going off all around them, gunshots heading in their direction. Their GUARDs mostly protected them, although, like Kevlar, it still left a few bruises.

Eight hundred feet tall O-o....Seriously, that is HUGE!

Also this sentence has way to many commas....

“Sir!”

The old general looked up from a map of the area.
“The Klovans have started to fight back! Their making their way to our mortars! Decision?”

The general thought for a moment, then replied.

“Bring out the hostages”

This part is confusing, I cannot tell who is talking.

Ivan swiveled around to get a better look. He gasped. Twenty Klovans, by the look of them, civilians, all crowded around a mass of metal.

To many commas, the middle one should not be there.

The AI started up Ivan's suit zoom.

A really boring sentence...

“Crap. The metal's a bomb!”

He zoomed in further.

This should be written like this,

"Crap. The metal's a bomb!” He zoomed in further.

“Two minutes. But the countdown hasn't started.”

A voice suddenly sprang out of nowhere, amplified from some sort of speaker.

“Klovans. We have here twenty of your kind. Surrender, and we won't...ah...for lack of a better term slaughter them all. We have a timed explosive, and although the explosion will be small, it'll start a chain reaction with the mortars, blowing us all up! We will be victorious in heaven, while you will be smoldering in hell! You have thirty seconds to surrender before we start the timer.”

SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB!...Sorry, I couldn't help myself xD

The voice cut out. The Blaze Squad just stood there, frozen in place. Ivan was the first to react.

“Ok men, we have to rescue those hostages.”

Since Ivan is the person talking the Quotation should be directly after the description, not in a paragrah all of it's own.

Ivan crouched low and made his way over to the bomb site.

PLINK!

A shot went right over Ivan's head.

Ivan this, Ivan that, whatI would like you to do is use different descriptive words to describe this Ivan character. When I write with Tsuukai(who will be your teacher) I often will call him things such as "The Purple haired Fencer," or the "Black Eyed Stranger," or something along those lines to spice things up, ya know?

Another bites the dust. Kade looked over at the bomb site. The general was crouched over the bomb, starting the timer.

Ivan and most of the Blaze Squad entered the small clearing in the center of the ring of mortars. Immediately, bullets started firing over their heads. The Blaze Squad started to fire back. Ivan glanced over at the bomb.

The Blaze Squad surrounded Ivan as he worked, keeping off the enemy. As Ivan freed the last hostage,* Charlotte shouted in his helmet.

Puck senses...Incorrect comma usage.

Ivan looked over. He suddenly realized the trick. The bomb was programmed to speed up as soon as it reached sixty seconds. There was two seconds left.

...What? That doesn't make much sense at all xD

Ivan woke up and finished the scream he had started when the bomb went off. He looked around. He was flouting in what looked like space. He was glad he had his GUARD, which let him breath out in the black nothingness.

Hmmm...you seem to have a problem with sentence structure. I'll keep that in mind when I assign reading.

“Why are we in space, Charlotte?”

“The explosion had some sort of weird reaction to the LEECH, propelling us out here. I'm glad you were wearing the GUARD, or else you would have died.”

You already mentioned that him wearing his "GUARD" kept him alive, so why mention it again?

Ivan's finger accidentally pressed the button to release the captured energy.

Good ob Ivan, now look what you've done. Tsk tsk. [/Joking around]

An explosion rocketed out of the LEECH, thankfully in the opposite direction of Ivan. Ivan was propelled through space by the explosion. The trouble was, a planet was right in his path. At least it wasn't a star, right? Ivan crashed through the atmosphere, and blacked out again.

Errr...You don't know much about the physcis of an explosion do you? Or the pressure of a atmosphere either? No matter, luckily 'Tis fiction.

Ivan woke up in a daze. He was lying in a weird flower like...thing.

Elipses, while fun, are very unprofessional.



Woooo~Hoooo~ I'm finally done. Sorry fo taking so long. Well Fix those mistakes, and post in here once you do. Meanwhile you should know that Puck will give you a reading assigment after ever time he grades your post. Puck beleives that in order to become a good writer one must read as much as they write, the pourpose of these Reading Assigments is for you to study sentence structre, and description from A class writers, hopefully you'll pick stuff up and become better yourself. While Puck will have no way to know if you will actually read them, he thinks you should as it is an important part of his teaching method. Understood? Good, your first reading assigment is Between Darkness and Light, I would like you to read the first fifteen posts, keeping in mind sentence structure, and style.

Thank you have a nice day.

~Puck, the TA~

[Glass]

Yay, I get Pucky! ^^

I fixed everything in the post, and added explanations and all that good stuff. However, I was wondering if I could keep the eight hundred feet long cannons in? They were supposed to be holy-OMGsh cannons .



THE CANNONS ARE OVER EIGHT HUNDRED!

And I read the assignment... puts on kindergardener being lectured voice:

"And I learned that I should make longer sentences with nicer flow, as opposed to choppy, short sentences."

So I should. Stop. Typing. Like this.

Assignment time? Or go back and fix eight hundred feet time?

[Puck]

Originally Posted by Glass

Yay, I get Pucky! ^^

I fixed everything in the post, and added explanations and all that good stuff. However, I was wondering if I could keep the eight hundred feet long cannons in? They were supposed to be holy-OMGsh cannons .



THE CANNONS ARE OVER EIGHT HUNDRED!

And I read the assignment... puts on kindergardener being lectured voice:

"And I learned that I should make longer sentences with nicer flow, as opposed to choppy, short sentences."

So I should. Stop. Typing. Like this.

Assignment time? Or go back and fix eight hundred feet time?

*Chuckles a little bit* The Eight Hundred Feet Thing. Wasn't actually wrong, I was just making sure you realize how huge that is.

THE CANNONS ARE OVER EIGHT HUNDRED!

heh heh heh. Oh yeah Puck has to give you an assigment doesn't he, okay half-assed assigment here we goooooo~

ASSIGMENT TIME

Have the door open right before Ivan gets there with a man standing there to greet him. I would like at least a two paragraph description of this man(get creative), the have the man take Ivan to his room. As the two walk have the man explain to Ivan the rules of the dome, and have him awnser any questions Ivan has. End it right before Ivan opens his bedroom door.