[Altamira] Spearhead's Training

[Spearhead]

OoC: Hope I'm doing this right. Sorry it took so long, though.

BiC: The colonel walked into his bedroom, picking up the small remote control which laid on the small table next to the door. He pointed it lazily to a radio on his shelf mounted to the wall above his dresser on the far right of the bedroom entrance, and fell to his bed face down into his pillow as heavy metal played in the background. The day was boring for Spearhead, almost too boring that he felt tired enough to go to sleep. Well, it was 10:00 pm, and a lot has happened since his return to the W.P.F. Headquarters regardless of his bordom. He chose his team, gave them their names, and came up with a name for the team - Team Hybrid. It was a fitting name for the team. Afterall, they all could control a certain element well and skillfully wield specially designed weapons that were all made by highly advanced technological means. Magic and science, opposite forces working together. Who would've known?

He was also given a ship as instructed by General Dom Quarren, before his "strange" disappearance. The ship was an elliptical-shaped, silver-plated hull whose front was pointed straight outward. Three long, triangular-shaped protrusions, evenly spaced out from each other, extended out from the back outward at an angle, sharply turning towards the front. Each one extended to twice the length of the ship, bending inward about a quarter of the way at each pointed end. It was a beauty to any pilot's eye, already gaining the recognition by the team's pilot, but Spearhead had no care for the appearance of the ship, but only its versatility. The ship contains multiple turrets on the outside of the long front, heat-seeking missile launchers accompanying the turrets, and their main weapon - a particle beam cannon that is shot from the three prong-like front, whose energy is collected from the sun. The ship appeared to be very useful in any battle conditions, but it was only a matter of time that the team leader could put the ship to good use in a fight.

An alarm went off on Spearhead's communication screen, barely heard by the young colonel who was too much into the metal being played at full blast in his room. He slowly got himself off the bed to turn on the message.

"Computer, open inbox," he commanded with a loud voice to avoid his voice drowning in the music. The screen turned on and a message appeared which soon caught Spearhead's eye.


Think you can kick some serious monster butt?
Feel you're a man, or woman, of challenge,
able to take on just about anything?
Are you bored, so you decide to do something "fun"?

Well, look no further, for the answer to all your questions has come with the arrival of

THE DOME

a new place for the best of fighters has opened up in your town for your enjoyment. Come and fight hordes of monsters, solve tough puzzles, and fight others in terrains ranging from simple forests to crazy hellfires! Warning: not for the softest of individuals.

Come and join today!


The young officer thought about this for the moment he read the advertisement. The day hasn't been the best, and not much happened for his benefit. This could also present a great opportunity to help tweak his control over his newly-trained abilities which still need some perfecting. The only concern he had was what the facility costs were.

I'll find out when I get there, he told himself after grabbing his cloak and the pouch with his MP3, and dashing out the door, forgetting to turn off his radio before heading out.

* * *

Looking at the grand structure was already overwhelming to see. It was an actual dome, and seemingly larger than several of the Doren Islands found off the southern coast of the central continent of Shallke. It walls were covered in pure white steel, making it a noticeacble landmark in the city. That's the strange thing about it was that it was outside of the city and far away from its borders, easily missed by anyone. What was also strange was the people there; there weren't any. The message he recieved was an ad that should've been sent to everyone at the same time, so at least some people should be here. The entrances were clear of any lines - what the hell? Where are the entrances? There was no door, no windows in the walls, no way of seeing or getting in or out of the massive structure.Just what is this place?

Just as he was about to leave the place, a loud crumbling sound stopped Spearhead from walking any further. He turned around and saw an entrance in the wall. He waited for someone to come out who he expected opened the door, but no one came. Was it monitored, or does it open and close after a certain amount of time? The thoughts were only irritating the colonel, who wanted only to enter and see what this Dome was really all about.

So he walked in cautiously, unable to tell what will happen when he steps into the structure. For a long time he was walking straight into the supposed empty space of darkness. He put an arm out in case he hit something when coming across a wall or an object, but so far he didn't have to worry about that.

Just before long a small dot of light irrtated Spearhead's eyes in the dark space. He believed it to be a doorway of some sort, and being able to see it meant nothing was in the way from where he stood to the door. He started to run as fast as he could once he interpreted the distance and the lit doorway started to get closer. Let's see what this is all about.

[Altamira]

No worries, you weren't slow at all. I'm usually slower anyhow. ^^;;

Let's begin:

A bit of wordiness here:

He pointed it lazily to a radio on his shelf mounted to the wall above his dresser on the far right of the bedroom entrance, and fell to his bed face down into his pillow as heavy metal played in the background.

There's nothing technically wrong with this--and it's good that you're trying to go into description. But, honestly, the part I've bolded weighs things down--it's more than needed at this point in the post (unless the location of the radio is going to be extremely important later on) and things would flow better without quite so many words. Read it aloud--doesn't it seem to drag on a bit to you? I'd suggest cutting out the description altogether, or simply rephrasing it as:

He pointed it lazily to a radio on a shelf by the bedroom entrance, and fell to his bed face down into his pillow as heavy metal played in the background.

An issue with verb tense here:

Well, it was 10:00 pm, and a lot has happened since his return to the W.P.F. Headquarters regardless of his bordom.

"To have" is a confusing verb with many forms. It's a helping verb...and that's where most of the trouble starts. How to use it? What form does this situation call for? Those are questions that throw off a lot of people.

In this situation, you're writing in third-person past tense, but the form you've used, "has", is the third-person present tense form of "to have". Look: "Johnny has a basketball." When does Johnny have the basketball? Right now, at this moment.

You instead need to use "had" in this situation--the past tense form of "to have". "Johnny had a basketball." When did he have it? In the past. That's the verb tense that fits with your sentence. Switch the "has" to "had" and everything will be perfect (save for the minor typo with missing the "e" in "boredom", as I've underlined for you. ;P)

Minor error here:

Afterall, they all could control a certain element well and skillfully wield specially designed weapons that were all made by highly advanced technological means.

"After all" is two words--be careful with typos and things like this. I have a tendency to combine words too when I'm in doubt (like how I tend to write "home front" as "homefront". It's mostly the effect of speaking other languages, for me. ^^;; ) Skim through the rest of your post to check for other typos, because I notice at least one more later on.

Just a stylistic thing I'd like to make a suggestion on here:

He was also given a ship as instructed by General Dom Quarren, before his "strange" disappearance. The ship was an elliptical-shaped, silver-plated hull whose front was pointed straight outward. Three long, triangular-shaped protrusions, evenly spaced out from each other, extended out from the back outward at an angle, sharply turning towards the front. Each one extended to twice the length of the ship, bending inward about a quarter of the way at each pointed end. It was a beauty to any pilot's eye, already gaining the recognition by the team's pilot, but Spearhead had no care for the appearance of the ship, but only its versatility. The ship contains multiple turrets on the outside of the long front, heat-seeking missile launchers accompanying the turrets, and their main weapon - a particle beam cannon that is shot from the three prong-like front, whose energy is collected from the sun. The ship appeared to be very useful in any battle conditions, but it was only a matter of time that the team leader could put the ship to good use in a fight.

First, let me say that this whole description was very well written--you've certainly got me beat in any technical description of anything. @___@

But the one thing I'd like to suggest, just to help people like me get a better image of this ship in their heads, is that you use a couple of similes/metaphors to compare the ship or parts of the ship to something we can visualize. Maybe the straight front looks like the beak of a heron (a type of bird.) Or maybe the thing as a whole looks like a swordfish made of metal with a shorter bill. Something that can help us pull together all these bits and pieces into a coherent whole. You don't have to follow this suggestion, but it's just something I wanted to put out there as an idea. If you have any questions about this, let me know. ;]

...And that's all for errors--awesome job! I especially liked the message from the Dome (the warning made me laugh XD), and the fact that you gave some detail to Spearhead's world and life. Details like that make him a stronger character--more realistic, more unique, and more relatable and believable. He's not just another swordsman or vampire or whatever--he has a presence and a history. Great work. :]

I've decided that I'll be teaching you with my character Cadenza Madrigal, since you clearly have the fundamentals of writing down and can focus on more advanced issues. Once you've made the edits I've asked for in this post, let me know by PMing me or posting in my homeroom and I'll give you your next lesson.

[Spearhead]

OoC: Ok, I've completed the necessary corrections. How do you like?

BiC: The colonel walked into his bedroom, picking up the small remote control which laid on the small table next to the door. He pointed it lazily to a radio on the shelf above his desk and fell to his bed face down into his pillow as heavy metal played in the background. The day was boring for Spearhead, almost too boring that he felt tired enough to go to sleep. Well, it was 10:00 pm, and a lot had happened since his return to the W.P.F. Headquarters regardless of his bordeom. He chose his team, gave them their names, and came up with a name for the team - Team Hybrid. It was a fitting name for the team. After all, they all could control a certain element well and skillfully wield specially designed weapons that were all made by highly advanced technological means. Magic and science, opposite forces working together. Who would've thought such two opposing forces could work together?

He was also given a ship as instructed by General Dom Quarren, before his "strange" disappearance. The ship was an elliptical-shaped, silver-plated hull whose front was pointed straight outward like a heron's beak. Three long, triangular-shaped protrusions extended out of the ship's back at an outward angle, sharply turning towards the front. Each one extended to roughly twice the length of the ship like the horns of a rhinocerous, but evenly spaced out. It was a beauty to any pilot's eye, already gaining the recognition by the team's pilot, but Spearhead had no care for the appearance of the ship, but only its versatility. The ship contains multiple turrets on the outside of the long front, heat-seeking missile launchers accompanying the turrets, and their main weapon - a particle beam cannon that is shot from the three prong-like front, whose energy is collected from the sun. It was also very fast and agile, able to do many maneuvers that most large ships are unable to do. The ship appeared to be very useful in any battle conditions, but it was only a matter of time that the team leader could put the ship to good use in a fight.

He already gave the ship the name that suited it perfectly; Apollo S, the same name - excluding the S which stood for "ship" - given to one of the W.P.F.'s many communications satellite whose power comes from the sun's multiple radiation storms, as does the ship's power comes from the sun.

An alarm went off on Spearhead's communication screen, barely heard by the young colonel who was too much into the metal being played at full blast in his room. He slowly got himself off the bed to turn on the message.

"Computer, open inbox," he commanded with a loud voice to avoid his voice drowning in the music. The screen turned on and a message appeared which soon caught Spearhead's eye.


Think you can kick some serious monster butt?
Feel you're a man, or woman, of challenge,
able to take on just about anything?
Are you bored, so you decide to do something "fun"?

Well, look no further, for the answer to all your questions has come with the arrival of

THE DOME

a new place for the best of fighters has opened up in your town for your enjoyment. Come and fight hordes of monsters, solve tough puzzles, and fight others in terrains ranging from simple forests to crazy hellfires!

Warning: not for the softest of individuals.

Come and join today!


The young officer thought about this for the moment he read the advertisement. The day hasn't been the best, and not much happened for his benefit. This could also present a great opportunity to help tweak his control over his newly-trained abilities which still need some perfecting. The only concern he had was what the facility costs were.

I'll find out when I get there, he told himself after grabbing his cloak and the pouch with his MP3, and dashing out the door, forgetting to turn off his radio before heading out.

* * *

Looking at the grand structure was already overwhelming to see. It was an actual dome, and seemingly larger than several of the Doren Islands found off the southern coast of the central continent of Shallke. It walls were covered in pure white steel, making it a noticeacble landmark in the city. That's the strange thing about it was that it was outside of the city and far away from its borders, easily missed by anyone. What was also strange was the people there - there weren't any! The message he recieved was an ad that should've been sent to everyone at the same time, so at least some people should be here. The entrances were clear of any lines - what the hell? Where are the entrances? There was no door, no windows in the walls, no way of seeing or getting in or out of the massive structure.Just what is this place?

Just as he was about to leave the place, a loud crumbling sound stopped Spearhead from walking any further. He turned around and saw an entrance in the wall. He waited for someone to come out who he expected opened the door, but no one came. Was it monitored, or does it open and close after a certain amount of time? The thoughts were only irritating the colonel, who wanted only to enter and see what this Dome was really all about.

So he walked in cautiously, unable to tell what will happen when he steps into the structure. For a long time he was walking straight into the supposed empty space of darkness. He put an arm out in case he hit something when coming across a wall or an object, but so far he didn't have to worry about that.

Just before long a small dot of light irrtated Spearhead's eyes in the dark space. He believed it to be a doorway of some sort, and being able to see it meant nothing was in the way from where he stood to the door. He started to run as fast as he could once he interpreted the distance and the lit doorway started to get larger. Let's see what this is all about.

[Altamira]

Good work! All the edits were well done. :]

Here's your next assignment:

At the end of the dark tunnel, Spearhead should find himself in a grand hall where the ceiling stretches up high above a misty layer of clouds. The large room will appear normal aside for this fact--it has ordinary wood-paneled walls and polished floors, desks and clerks and people running about with papers and such, and ringing telephones everywhere. But as soon as he looks up, the walls stretch away to this layer of clouds and everything begins to look more and more wild--the wood isn't polished, but instead is full of knotholes and has leafy branches protruding from it, and the song of large birds can be heard overhead.

He should stop and ask one of the people running about (which he belatedly notices has pointy ears like an elf) what's above their heads, but the elf should just shrug him off, mumble in a foreign language, and go back to work. It'll seem like Spearhead is the only one who notices anything strange about the room at all--or at least the only one who wonders why it is like it is. Have him find a way to scale one of the walls and climb up to the layer of clouds--but stop there. This assignment should focus on description and Spearhead's curiosity, wonder, and confusion. Be sure to convey the grand hall as a bustling place of much activity, and...there's no word minimum, so write until you can't write anymore! ;P

[Spearhead]

OoC: Let's get this thing started.

BiC: The young colonel watched the lit doorway grow larger with every step he took that brought him closer to the mysterious room. Hopefully the room ahead held less confusion for the young officer, who was still baffled by the Dome and its strange qualities.

Upon reaching the lit room, his eyes closed while starting to adjust to the new environment after being exposed to the darkness of the tunnel. He can hear strange noises in the seemingly large room - phones ringing, papers flying, feet hitting the ceramic floor, people talking and some shouting to one another almost desperately, as if they needed something done quick. Once he rubbed his eyes with his hand to help focus in the bright light of the room, he slowly noticed his surroundings and became more bewildered by his location.

It wasn't the room, which apparently was a grand hall with well-polished wooden walls along the edge, or the misty-layer of clouds covering the ceiling. It was, instead, what existed inside the room that was evidently the source of the strange noises he heard a moment earlier.

There were numerous people, who seemed to be office workers, running frantically around on the checkered-pattern floor with stacks of papers in their hands, some being to their chest while others reaching almost above their heads. Desks were also placed around the grand hall with multiple phones and scattered paper all over. The clerks seated at the desks were answering their phones as frantically as everyone else running, sometimes even picking up more than one phone to their ears. There could only be one way to describe such an occurence - what the hell?

The colonel watched in awe, unable to discern what was happening. He never saw such chaos in such a situation, not even in a few of his previous missions. But Spearhead didn't come to bother himself with such ponderous situations, he came to train as he was promised by the advertisement - unless they're right about advertisements and their promises. He walked around, avoiding the running workers who seemed to be unable to stop willingly, looking for a way into another room. To no avail, he became lost and confused as to where he was to go.

He looked up from being exhausted after looking for endless minutes, unable to figure out where he was supposed to go. He watched the misty layer of clouds move about in slow, swirling motions like a peaceful cyclone. It was the only normal thing about the room, unlike the frantic office workers running about and the clerks desperately answering their phone calls. The swirling motions of the clouds was also somewhat soothing to watch, but as Spearhead started to get into that soothing mood he noticed something peculiar about the walls. Everything about the walls changed; there were sounds of birds chirping and the well-polished wooden walls turned to tree-like surfaces with leafy branches that extended to above the layer of swirling clouds. Maybe I should've taken Behemoth's advice and not have that beer this morning to help me wake up.

To find out what happened to the walls, the colonel decided to ask one of the office workers who ran about. He stopped one of them as he abruptly placed his hand on his shoulder. His attention caught by the colonel's firm grip, the seemingly young and slim worker turned to eye the colonel with distaste.

"Excuse me, sir, I am Cnl. Spearhead of the W.P.F." Spearhead asked, not noticing the young worker's distraught face. "I was hoping you could tell me what happened to the walls, if you know."

The worker, impatient of the colonel's interruption of his business, turned around and walked as he mumbled in a tongue unfamiliar to the colonel. Spearhead arched an eyebrow and became baffled by the sudden ignorance of the worker. Something also caught his attention on the worker's head. Are his ears pointed? He crossed his arms over his chest and examined his observations. Are these workers from the western native tribes?

But the main question lingered in his head. Why are they ignoring it? Aren't they at least a bit curious? These questions bothered Spearhead for a short moment as they confused the colonel even more. Is this what he meant that drinking beer can play deja vu on you? However, he shook his head to empty his mind of the questions when another thought entered his bewildered mind. Is there an exit out of here up there?

He looked up, and saw the tree-like walls reaching up above the misty clouds. The hall he stood in was hectic enough for him, and standing where he did was only wasting time. He came to train as he was promised, not to be confused about what was going on. With his mind set, he took initiative and grabbed onto the wall and started to climb. If this is all just in my head, I'm gonna get really annoyed.

OoC: Sorry it took awhile. Damn english teacher decided to give us an earlier completion date to finish our books. I just had to choose the 700 page one...