[Power Shot]Selena's Training

[Selena]

Ooc: Word count is 462

Selena walked into the new forest that would soon be her home for the next few weeks. Once she placed her foot on the forest floor covered in leaves from above, she could feel that something was odd about this forest.

Hmm... must be one of those forest that change at night. Better find a good, tall tree soon or I'll be dinner to a beast, she thought and continued walking in the forest.

While in the forest, she found a trail. She found it odd to find a trail within a forest that made her instincts feel odd.

It must be me. I should really concentrate on finding a place to sleep in, she noted and continued deeper into the forest. Once deep into the forest, the sun was at an angle that it threw shadows upon her. She thought it would be safer traveling by the trees and quickly scrambled up into a tree and walked along the branches with care.

With every step she would concentrate her ears to give her a signal to any beasts that would think that would want an elf for dinner. Her sword was still in its sheath on her hip and her arm twitched every now and then from her worry that something would attack her.

Stop worrying. You can take out a creature if you wanted to in moments, she reassured herself and soon found a place to sleep on.

It was a collection of branches that were entwined in such a way that she didn't need to collect branches to make the frame for her bed.

"Great, I just need plenty of leaves and I'll soon have a bed," she smiled and jumped into the trees to collect her bed leaves.

When the sun began to fall below the horizon, Selena told herself that it would be a good time to stop as she already collected plenty of leaves. She crawled down the tree she was currently on and found her bed. She threw the leaves on the already covered branches and sat on it to test it.

"I guess this will do. I'll have to collect more by tomorrow morning," she frowned and began to sleep.

Late into the night, Selena found herself waking up. She rubbed her eyes of drowsiness and noticed that something was blocking the view of the moon. Her eyes widen with surprise as she saw the silver door that had appeared on her bed.

Selena raised her eyebrow in curiosity and stood. She circled around the door once and saw that it was just a normal looking door that had a back and a front. But she always was a curious girl at a young age and went to the side she first awoke to.

She raised her arm thought at how silly this was, and knocked.

[Mr.Man]

Hello Hello. I'm Mr.Man, one of Power Shot's TAs(Teaching Assistants). I will be your teacher in the Dome. You should probably read up on my characters Mesfido and Jaina. Click on the image in my signature and you should be able to find them both. Now, with my introduction out of the way, time to get to business!

Overall, this is a nice piece. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of grammar and spelling, though your syntax is a little bit strange in places. I would advise you put your work through a spellchecker before submitting it, it will pick up on any spelling and most grammar errors. Mircosoft Word or something similiar should do the job, if you don't have a word processor, I should be able to find another solution for you.

I won't be "correcting" your work as such but rather giving suggestions of how you could improve, whether or not you take all of what I say on board is completely up to you. I don't want to completely change your style; everyone has their own way of writing.

Here are some of the main things I want you to keep in mind for your next pieces.

1-Repetition.
Using the same words over and over again brutally murders a piece of writing. You same to do this a fair amount. For example, look at the first paragraph. It's only two sentences long, yet you use the word "forest" three times. This is a regular occurance throughout the above passage. Try and avoiding using the same word twice in a single paragraph. If you're having problems thinking of a word, try using a thesaurus. It's a brilliant item to have at your disposal, I always have one next me while I write.

2-Wording.
Wording is simply the way in which you arrange words. Your choice of wording is often a bit confused and complicated. Lets take a look at the first paragraph again.

Selena walked into the new forest that would soon be her home for the next few weeks. Once she placed her foot on the forest floor covered in leaves from above, she could feel that something was odd about this forest.

The second sentence sounds kind of wierd and doesn't make that much sense. You broke the actions up with a description which would have been much better had it been given its own space. It would read better like this;

The forest floor was covered in leaves from above. When she placed her foot, she could feel that something was odd about this place.

Notice that I also replaced the word "forest", again, this is to cut back on repetition.

Here is another example of unusual wording.

But she always was a curious girl at a young age and went to the side she first awoke to.

Firstly, starting a sentence with "But" isn't normally a very good idea. It works in some situations, but not this one. You say that she was a curious girl at a young age, which really has little to no relevance to the current description.

It would read better like this:

She had always been a curious girl when she was younger and still was. She went around the door and back to the side that she had awoken to.

When it comes to wording, if something doesn't sound quite right to you, try saying it aloud to yourself.

3-Description
Your work is lacking in description. I didn't really picture anything while reading it. A few more vivid descriptions would go a long way.

Alright, I have one litte task for you before I give you your next assignment.

Task
I want you to look at these following sentences and rewrite them. All of them are strangely worded and make little sense. Don't forget to pay attention to repetition. PM them to me when you are done. I'll give you further instructions after I recieve your PM.

She found it odd to find a trail within a forest that made her instincts tingle with concern.

Once deep into the forest, the sun began to fall and casted shadows upon her.

When the sun became to fall below the horizon, Selena told herself that it would be a good time to stop her bed leave collecting.

Late into the night, her eyes flew open and she awoke to a sight to behold. Before her on her leafy bed that she had created, a silver door was standing atop them all.

[Selena]

I finished editing the thread.

[Mr.Man]

Alright, it looks better to me now. You managed to fix the last two sentences quite nicely, however, you didn't do such a good job with the first two. You actually added repetition into one of them, which was the first thing I told you to try and avoid. Anyway, I think it would be best that we move on, I don't like to dwell on editting for too long.

Assignment!!!

Mere seconds after Selena knocks on the door, it swings open. A silent man beckons her inside. Have Selena enter the Dome. She is to arrive in "The Arrivals Room". The Arrivals Room is esscentially where all the Dome's new students - believe it or not - arrive. How it looks is completely up to you. Your task is to describe the Arrivals Room and everything inside it. I want you to pay particular attention to the people.

Minimum Word Count - 400

Don't forget to be very careful with the wording of your sentences and paragraphs. Also, try to focus on using a wide variety of words rather than reusing and repeating the same ones over and over.

[Selena]

(Word count: 454)

The door flew open seconds later and Selena saw a man beyond it. He silently beckons her inside and Selena wavered.

This could be some kind of trap, but who knows what’s beyond it? Should I go? Ugh, why must my curiosity get in my way! she thought and slowly took a step inside the silver door. Her eyes immediately widen as she entered the room.

The Arrivals Room, echoed in her head as she glanced around her. In the room were many people, but not just ordinary ones. As she scanned the room, she found many different species of creatures here. Some had scales covering their body; others were sizes of dwarfs, she even spotted a lizard standing on its hind legs. Her legs seemed to move on it’s own as she started to mingle with the crowd of creatures and people from every corner of the universe.

“What an amazing place,” she said as she looked to the ceiling. Etched upon the stone were carvings of clouds, angels, and what was beyond the universe. She ripped her eyes away from the wonderful artwork to look around more.

Besides the people, the walls were pure white. Tall, sturdy columns edged the walls. Etched upon the head and bottom of the columns were carvings of warriors in combat with others. Selena found it curious while she was walking besides one. Suddenly, someone bumped into her and she leaned against the wall to avoid the person or thing more.

“What where you’re going punk,” they said and Selena turned to see the perpetrator. Her eyebrow rose as she laid her eyes on the creature. The creature was taller than her by two heads and she felt very small compared to him. His skin or fur it looked like, was blue and showed off his muscles that were under it. Yellow hair came from his scalp and horns came out from his skull. A wavering tail followed behind him with a red flame lit on it.

Selena didn’t want to fight anyone that was taller than her and scooted away from the beast and went deeper into the crowd for her own safety. She looked at the people around her and found that angel-like figures grouped together and made a section of the room there own so they could chat and mingle among there own kind. Selena laughed to herself as she recalled that she was a child of the goddesses and daydreamed that angels would respect and notice her wherever she went.

These guys probably don’t even know my mothers, nonetheless acknowledge me, she thought and took a place on the wall to lead against for the time until she could return to the forest.

(Was that good?)

[Mr.Man]

Alright, that was pretty good. There were however some pretty obvious and basic mistakes regarding tenses and grammar. Here's what I spotted without even nit-picking.

He silently beckons her inside and Selena wavered.

It should be beckoned not beckons. You shouldn't be making this kind of simple tense mix-up mistake.

Her eyes immediately widen as she entered the room.

Again, there's a basic mistake here. It should be widened.

Her legs seemed to move on it’s own as she started to mingle with the crowd of creatures and people from every corner of the universe.

Legs is plural. It should be their own not "it's own.

Etched upon the stone were carvings of clouds, angels, and what was beyond the universe .

Now, there isn't anything wrong with this sentence grammatically but I'm bringing it to your attention because it was a wasted opporunity for some great description. You talk about "what was beyond the universe", you could have described these things and added some more flavour to the piece.

Besides the people, the walls were pure white. Tall, sturdy columns edged the walls .

Repetition of the word "walls". It would sound better if the second "walls" was replaced with the word "them".

Suddenly, someone bumped into her and she leaned against the wall to avoid the person or thing more.

The last bit doesn't make sense. The words "or thing more" should be removed all together.

“What where you’re going punk,” they said and Selena turned to see the perpetrator.

It should say "Watch where you're going punk."

She looked at the people around her and found that angel-like figures grouped together and made a section of the room there own so they could chat and mingle among there own kind.

Both those "there"s should be "their".

Alright, like I said it was a pretty good piece. There is however a lot of bits that could be improved on. More than anything, it could use some fleshing out. However, I won't be asking you to go back and edit it, instead, we'll move on.

Assignment Time!

The strange man approaches Selena again. Yet again, he beckons for her to follow. This time, he leads her down a series of corridors. Whether or not Selena converses with him is up to you. If youy would like he can explain the Dome to her. Anyway, the man leaves her outside a door. This door leads to Selena's bedroom/private quarters. Have Selena enter and explore her new home.

Your task is yet again, descriptive. I want you to describe the journey to the room and then, afterwards, the room itself. How the room looks and what is inside it is completely up to you. Make it interesting.

Minumum Word Count - 800

Also, as a kind of mini assignment, I want you to go read some of the battles and/or RPs floating around the BA. One of the best ways to improve your writing is to read that of others. I want you to PM me telling me which thread you read. The PM should also include a short summary of the thread.