[Zorolo] Wisp's Training

[Wisp Quill]

(Ooc: Word Count; 428.)

Wisp looked out onto a meadow in the swampland. Sawgrass swayed with the breeze, while cattails hid the water from her sight. She felt where her ears were in her rust orange bandana. The ends were poking out, again.

“I just can’t seem to hide them for long and not have them hurt.”

Wisp sighed, “Well, at least I can manage to hide them among the crowds in the town.” Looking down at her shirt, which was the same color as her bandana, she noticed pale flecks of dried mud dotting it. Sighing again, she decided to check out an area she was curious about from an earlier trek.

She came upon a rotten, hollow log which spanned ten feet of the river. Wisp knew it was hollow from/because of the empty sound it made when she whacked her foot against it. The log led to another dry patch of ground which had a worn path leading from it.

“It must be an old hunting trail, I think.”

She gauged that the log might not hold her due to the middle of the log dipping into the water.

Wisp was out in the open, but worried about transforming if there were people nearby who may see her transform. The lapping water created by the breeze did not help her to confirm if there were others nearby.

“Guess I should just try it.” Wisp knew that the log was the only way to the trail, except for swimming. “Swimming means a chance with alligators, not taking that route.”

Wisp decided to go for it, even though the log might give out, especially at the bending part. The hollowness also made her nervous, but her curiosity kept a tight hold on her. “I hate it when I think like this, all reckless and such…”

She shakily stood on one side of the log and walked toe to toe, keeping her arms out. About halfway there, she made a wide step over the bent part of the log and wobbled. She bent forward and lowered herself and managed to keep upright. She finally got across and slowly moved along the path. She still could hear the faint lapping, then a snap from up ahead on the path.

Wisp ducked behind a tree, and stood still while listening. She stopped worrying when she heard the snap of a twig again as well as bird chirping. Continuing on the path, she made her way to a grove of trees and spotted an odd sight.

“What in the world is that…?”

A silver-white colored door stood in between two large pine trees.

[Zorolo]

Hello, my name is Zorolo and I am your teacher. It's good to meet you, and now my goal is to show you some things and try to help you correct them. Also, eventually you'll be taught by Zorlo, and possibly Zachary, both of which are located in the single link in my sig. (Characters 1 and 2 in there.) Now then, time for the corrections:

You wrote:

Saw grass swayed with the breeze, while cattails hid the water from her sight.

Should be:

She (Wisp) saw the grass sway in the breeze while cattails hid in the water from her sight.

Two things here. Who saw what? Also, the double past tense of verbs makes this sentence sound strange. I lied, three things: The third is that the comma there you don't need. I'll gather a group of parts like that and explain why later.

Next, for quotes (since this is an easy things), you don't need quotation marks to start it off. All you need for thoughts is italics to show that you're either emphasizing something or your character is thinking.

Third:

Looking down at her shirt, same color as her bandana, noticed pale flecks of dried mud dotting it.

Should be:

Looking down at her shirt, which was the same color as her bandana, she noticed pale flecks of dried mud dotting it.

Again, you lack a noun to tell me who/what is looking at what that person is looking at. Just simple stuff to keep in mind. ^_^

Forth:

She came upon a rotten, hollow log, which spanned ten feet of the river. Wisp knew it was hollow, due to the empty sound it made when she whacked her foot against it. The log led to another dry patch of ground, which had a worn path leading from it.

Should be:

She came upon a rotten, hollow log which spanned ten feet of the river. Wisp knew it was hollow from/because of the empt sound it made when she whacked her foot against it. The log led to another dry patch of ground which had a worn path leading from it.

For this one, I'm going to go over the comma thing I mentioned earlier: When using words like which, and, or, but, so, and other conjunction verbs, you don't always need a comma before it. The best way to tell when you need a comma is to say it out loud and see where you take a break in your reading to see if a comma should be there, since a comma indicates breaks in thought. Also, try not to combine sentences with due because it just sounds strange normally. There are times it works, but from or because tend to flow better.

Fifth:

She gauged that the log might not hold her, due to the middle of the log dipped into the water.

Should be:

She gauged that the log might not hold her due to the middle of the log dipping into the water.

In this case, due can work, but you don't need a comma before it. Also, again, you the log is dipped into the water by someone, it is dipping. In this case, the log isn't being acted upon, it's passively acting. Another thing that should be read aloud to test how it sounds.

Sixth:

Wisp was out in the open, and worried about transforming if there were people nearby.

Should be:

Wisp was out in the open, but worried about transforming if there were people nearby who may see her transform.

For this one, the comma is in the right place, but the choice of conjunction verb is wrong. Aside from that, you should attack why she's afraid in the cause-effect relation. If she transforms, someone may see her. Cause and effect. All you need to do is tell people that you're afraid she might get caught transforming for a reason, but saying why she's worried about transforming is people may see her is plenty descriptive, I feel.

Comma Cases:

She shakily stood on one side of the log, and walked toe to toe

She bent forward, and lowered herself and managed to keep upright.

The commas before the conjunction verbs are unneeded.

Seventh:

About halfway there she made a wide step over the bent part of the log, and wobbled.

Should be:

About halfway there, she made a wide step over the bent part of the log and wobbled.

Again, an unneeded comma, but you need a comma after the about halfway there because it shows a movement of time. It is something you do when you start a sentence with words like suddenly, in that second, after something happened. Those words set off an action, so you need a comma after them.

There we go. Fix these things and keep them in mind. I may seem a bit mean at first, but you can ask Zero, whom had much more work that needed to be done on his writing, that I get nicer as we go on. Post after you've fixed everything saying your post is all fixed up and I'll give you your next assignment. ^_^

[Wisp Quill]

Ok. I edited it, Zorolo.

Also, there is a plant called sawgrass, yet I typed this into Microsoft Word, and it auto-corrected it. The plant is what I meant by the Saw grass.

[Zorolo]

Originally Posted by Wisp Quill

Ok. I edited it, Zorolo.

Also, there is a plant called sawgrass, yet I typed this into Microsoft Word, and it auto-corrected it. The plant is what I meant by the Saw grass.

Oh... now that makes sense. My bad. Well, anyway, good job. ^_^

Assignment Time:

Have Wisp open the door and enter into the Dome. She'll find herself in a large, dome shaped room with many doors around it and a central desk. This is the Dome Center. The Center has a strange creature called a Domerri that will answers one or two of Wisp's questions before it points her towards a door. End a post with her opening that door.

Rules: First off, the word minimum is 500 words. Now then, for greater specifics: The Domerri is a rude, angry creature that tends to have massive glasses along with a large nose. It will respond in nasally responses and will be looking at other things while she talks. have a small conversation here and then send her on her merry, or not so, way. Also, I want you to describe the room in detail. Add whatever images you have in the room to make it more vivid and almost a realistic image. Have fun. ^_^

[Wisp Quill]

(Ooc: Word count; 716.)

Wisp stared at the door for a moment, Why is there a… door here?

Her curiosity took over again, but she only walked halfway toward the door when she stopped. “This might be a joke…” She looked all around her, and listened. It was strange, just a breeze blowing the branches. No song birds in the trees, nothing else.

“Fine, I’ll open it,” she explained. Wisp slowly approached the door again, and gently pulled it open. She stepped inside, and immediately fell.

THUD! She had managed to land on all fours, but barely stopped her body from impacting the floor as well. She shakily stood up and immediately looked around the room.

The floor was marble, yet it’s accent color was a light gray and barely noticeable from the pale white base color. The ceiling appeared to be a perfect half sphere, which a gray triangle shaped mosaic circle in the center. The walls had stone pillars in each corner. modeled after the Romans, except the base cap and the top both held an intricate design of a loin’s head. The room appeared to be an octagon.

Most, if not all, of the walls held doors. The doors were made of wood, some held medieval style carvings of a lion or a dragon or a griffin, while the other five looked like a castle’s drawbridge. They were all in rich red-brown stain, the carvings were accented in a bronze metal circle. The three carvings each had one drawbridge door between them. The lion on the left, dragon on the right and the griffin in front of her. “Seems cold in here with all of this stone though,” Wisp shuddered.

Wisp finally noticed the desk, it had the same stain as the doors. It had the same lion head pillars supporting the ‘corners’ of the massive three and a half foot tall desk. The top was a gray and white flecked granite top, with a wave shaped edge going around it. The ‘corners’ was an illusion though, as the desk was a hexagon in the center of the room.

“No one even bothers to notice me first, do they?” The voice was in a strange, high pitch. It sounded more nasally, though.

She walked closer to the desk, and saw this gargoyle-type creature, it‘s head was barely noticeable from the granite top. The head of this creature was turned to the side, kind of on an angle as well. It’s glasses had black rims, yet looked way too massive for it’s head. Except for it’s nose. The nose was curved slightly and large, like a toucan's beak. The creature’s skin was the same as the stone top, and it was standing on a small wooden stool. The jaw was small, and had four peg teeth sticking out of it. It’s mouth was barely visible due to it’s nose.

“Why do I even bother being at this desk, when no one can see me,” it sighed.

It leapt up onto the top of the desk, causing Wisp to step back. The creature’s outfit was made up of a dark gray shirt, with a striped gray vest. While it’s pants were just dark gray fabric, draped loosely over it‘s legs.

The creature was actually two and a half feet tall, not counting the desk it was standing on. Looking right at her, Wisp saw it’s eyes. It‘s eyes were blank, no pupils or anything else, but gray. ”Yep, definitely a gargoyle stone-like look to it,” she thought.

“What are you staring at, child?!” Wisp suddenly wanted to jump back two feet, but did not.

“Anyway,” the creature turned away and looked at the lion carving, “ I am a Domerii. This is the Dome and it spans dimensions, and so on…” It rolled it’s clawed hand in a small circle during this. Wisp looked normal on the outside but inside was a different thing.

“That doesn’t help me at all! Acts like a jerk though…”

“Go through the dragon door, and follow the hall… you‘ll find someone to help you…” It turned it’s back to Wisp and hopped down behind the desk again.

Wisp weakly replied, “Uh, thank you.” and walked to the right, and opened the dragon door, it slightly creaking. “Still clueless though…”

[Zorolo]

Okay, pretty good. Just two small things is all. ^_^

”Why is there a… door here?”

For this and any other thoughts, you can remove the quotation marks, since she isn't talking to anyone. Like so:

Why is there a… door here?

Keep that in mind when you're writing with character thoughts. ^_^

The only other important thing was:

“Anyway,” the creature turned away and looked at the lion carving, “ I am a Domerii. This is the Dome and it spans dimensions, and so on…” It rolled it’s clawed hand in a small circle during this. Wisp looked normal on the outside but inside was a different thing, “That doesn’t help me at all! Acts like a jerk though…”

Should be:

“Anyway,” the creature turned away and looked at the lion carving, “ I am a Domerii. This is the Dome and it spans dimensions, and so on…” It rolled it’s clawed hand in a small circle during this. Wisp looked normal on the outside but inside was a different thing.

“That doesn’t help me at all! Acts like a jerk though…”

You never have two characters speak in the same paragraph, nor two characters thinking in the same paragraph. Just small things. Now then, moving on:

Assignment Time:

Now that Wisp has made it this far, it is time to make things a bit more interesting. Have Wisp walk about the Dome for a little while. Eventually, she'll come across something that will force her to fight. Have her defeat the creature that you choose to have her fight ultimately, but make it an enjoyable battle. This will allow me to see your skills with battle writing. ^_^

Rules: 600 word minimum. Aside from that, I want you to use five descriptive words to describe Wisp, since you use her name or a pronoun for her name way too much. (example: for Zorlo, I'd use the Aura Master, the fencer, the green haired man, the Fencer of Tasogare, ect...) Have fun. ^_^

[Wisp Quill]

Ok, I fixed it, Zorolo.

By the way, you're not being mean, you are just trying to help me.

[Wisp Quill]

(Ooc: Word Count; 1080. Wow... :0 )

The rabbit girl made her way down the hall. It appeared to be a castle wall design with stone blocks, with shields adorning it. The arches that held the ceiling up had a leaf design at the points were the arch met the wall. Torches were scattered about the walls, crackling and popping, giving the hall an ancient look.

“Even with the torches, I’m feeling cold,” she thought, “but I can probably understand why he acted like that. He’s most likely seen many newcomers come and go.”

When the inexperienced air user came out of the long hallway ,thinking, she stepped into a tightly forested area. The trees, which appeared to be oaks and pine, in here were grouped tightly together, with just enough space to walk through. The tops of them seemed to stretch on forever. “Wow!”

The shapeshifter pushed her glasses up, and adjusted the leather bag hanging off of her right side. Both which were intact and undamaged despite the fall. Muttering to herself, “ The trees most likely are just packed for a couple of feet, they’ll space out soon I’ll bet,” the shapeshifter slowly pushed her way through the tree line.

The rabbit girl was right about them spacing out, but it happened at twenty feet into this forest. Turning around, she could not see the way back. “Great, I’m lost now…”

It opened into a sparsely tree type of a meadow. Suddenly, a growl seeped through the rust colored bandana. “Wha-what was th-that?!” The growl was louder now, as well as a new sound, running.

A wolf darted out of the thick, forested area, still running towards the oranged-clad female. “ NO!”

This wolf was different from the wolves she had read about. This one appeared to be more of a reptile version, complete with a tan-ish brown diamond scale design, down to its serpent eyes, and long whip-like tail. It was also larger, about four feet tall at the shoulder. It wolf opened it’s mouth revealing inch long fangs, as well as two longer fangs which flipped down, and took it’s canine teeth positions.

It might be poisonous. I’m going to have to be careful not to let it bite me.

She quickly jumped behind an large oak, just as it came close to biting her. The wolf must have been extremely focused on her, for it slammed into the tree, shaking the lower tree branches.

The shapeshifter ran back into the woods, leaving her bag behind. The wolf was slightly stunned, yet it chased after its prey. A few minutes later, the young adult only wound up going in a circle, coming back into the meadow.

The orange-clad female quickly turned toward the wolf as it approached her, and punched. Unknown to the young adult, her right arm and hand glowing a pale silver-gray. A light gray orb shot out of her fist, aimed at the wolf’s head. It impacted the creature’s shoulder though, throwing the wolf back as it fell onto it’s side.

The rabbit girl’s eyes widened, “ What was that?!”

The wolf got up again, disabling the novice air user’s thought of her attack. It ran toward her, and swiped at its prey’s head.

The shapeshifter ducked and moved to her right, the wolf only managed to take her bandana off as it sailed past.

The young adult was a little tired out due to the sudden fall into this place, as well as the chase and the quick reactions/near tackles. She started to pant, but her fear kept her alert.

Two six-inch long rabbit ears came out horizontally and swiveled around, before focusing on the wolf. The ears were the same medium color of brown as the female’s hair. The rabbit girl threw a punch again, aimed at the wolf’s turning form. The light gray orb hit the wolf’s head this time, but still it kept coming at the girl.

The orange-clad female jumped into the air, and stood on it. It was not high enough to be over the creature’s height, but it was enough to make it skid to a stop. Leaping off of the faded gray pole, the girl turned her body to the side, the left side facing the wolf while her right side was facing an oak.

From this, I might be able to gain some momentum by turning. I hope this works.

The wolf charged at the shapeshifter, as the prey rose her left arm to a 90 degree angle. It opened its mouth, the two fangs popping down again. She watched it approach her ’front’ and pivoted towards the attacker, letting her right arm go.

It hit the wolf in the side of its head, with a gray sphere hitting first, followed by her fist. It felt like the rabbit girl hit a hard chain link wall, but it worked.

The wolf head leaned to the left and fell to the ground.

The rabbit girl took advantage of this, by quickly hopping into the air in a zigzag style, slowly rising. She stopped jumping at ten feet above the ground.

A fog-like plank was under her feet, as the young adult watched the wolf slowly get up, glaring at its prey. The creature left, wandering off to find and easier food source.

“What did I do?” The shapeshifter stared at her hands. Then her attention turned towards the plank she was now sitting on. As the rabbit girl looked down, her fear of heights slowly crept into her mind.

The novice air user slowly let her legs hang off of the side of the three foot long square. A two foot wide, gray pole formed under her feet before she even stood up. The pole faded into the air two feet down.
The young adult shakily stood up on the pole, and the plank had faded away. As she stepped down, more poles formed, but only one at a time. The girl reached the ground after a couple of minutes.

The shapeshifter cautiously looked around, her long rabbit ears trying to listen for the wolf again, or worse, a whole pack. The girl picked up her bandana, and held her ears back, and slid it back over them.

She walked over to her bag, picking it up. Then the young adult went over to an oak, sat down and leaned her head against the tree. The fear and panic in her was staring to subside now.

That was my first fight.

[Zorolo]

Good post. YOu stopped using quotes in her thoughts about halfway through your post, but keep in mind you don't need quotes unless your character is talking. Aside from that, you used it's, which is the contraction of "it is". If you're applying ownership to something with it, the its you use is its. But that's it.

Now then, I have some required readings for you, and I'll tell you what post to read up to at the end in parenthesis, along with a new assignments. Do the readings, then your assignment, okay. They're some good threads I think are worth reading. These first few will just be my threads, but I'll grab other good threads later.

Between Darkness and Light (To post ten)
Unexpected Encounters (to post ten)

Now that you've got your readings:

Assignment Time:

Those readings are meant to give you a good grip of your teacher, Zorlo, so reading them will help. For your next assignment, the Aura Master, Zorlo, has taken note in Wisp and shall invite her to his room in the Dome. Now, Zorlo, who is a busy man, will send Armond, his albino helper monkey, to drop the letter off to Wisp by, and I'm not joking, throwing said letter up. After that, have Wisp go in search of the Aura Master's room. End your post with her finding a green door. End your post there.

Rules: 700 word minimum. Aside from that, I want you to limit the use of Wisp's name and the word she. Aside from that, you're good. Soon, we'll start the second part of your thread.

[Wisp Quill]

(Ooc: Word count; 711. I hope I wrote the letter right.)

Wisp’s ears were still on alert, while the girl tried to catch her breath. The branches of the oak tree she was under, rattled in the wind. Some of the green leaves fell down due to the motion. The orange-clad female turned her thought toward what had happened during the fight with the wolf-snake type creature.I can’t believe I could do that… Why were there words coming into my head when I used that orb first? Air…Shot? Then the pole came out, what did that one mean? Sky Pillar?! But there was a plank version in it, so why Sky Pillar…?The shapeshifter muttered out loud, “Is this what my rabbit form can do automatically?”Then I should not use the form often, otherwise I might forget this and become reliant on it. Its too lightweight, so I could easily get hurt or killed in its form…

The rabbit girl heard an odd screeching sound, as well as moving branches. She immediately got up, and stood in the open.The sound joined up with a form, a white monkey. It managed to jump into the oak the girl was under. The oak was about four feet from the tree line around the meadow.This monkey which was white, yet it was actually an albino. It dropped down to the ground, walked over to the startled girl and literally threw up a letter at her feet.Okay…,why did it do that?The rabbit girl glanced at the monkey, “Are you ok?” The monkey just looked at her, waiting for her to read the letter.

I hope I don’t get sick form touching this…The orange-clad female slowly bent down and picked up the letter with two fingers. The slime on it made her shudder.Why couldn’t its owner have given it a bag or something?!She unfurled it with her right hand, due to the slime made it curl into a partial tube shape. The rabbit girl did not talk as she read the letter:

To Wisp:

I’ve noticed your potential, and I would like to meet you in person. Please follow Armond, my assistant. He will lead you to me.

The Aura Master, Zorlo

“Armond?” With that word, the monkey stood up.The rabbit girl exclaimed, “Oh, that’s your name… Could take me to, um, see Zorlo?”Armond screeched then bolted off to her left, easily moving through the trees.“Wa-Wait up!” Wisp quickly got her bag, and followed Armond with some difficulty.What is an Aura Master anyway?

The young adult eventually came out of the trees and saw the monkey at the end of the hallway coming up which blended in perfectly with the forest… except doors appearing out of nowhere.Armond’s really fast.Wisp came to the end of the hall at a forked path, which resembled a T. The hall on her left was a steel built-fortress style, while on her right lay an old stone path with stone carved walls, like a Mayan temple feel to it. “Armond, where did you go?” Only a yowl answered, but it echoed through both halls.

The rabbit girl went down the Mayan temple hallway, wary of… arrows shooting out of the wall. Despite there were doors in the walls as well. The hallway only had three torches that were spaced widely apart, giving it a creepy feeling. The hallway also had vines hanging down, some barely touched her head.Why did my Grandma like that Indiana Jones guy? Now I’m worried about what happened in the temple there…

The rabbit girl confirmed this by glancing behind her, in case of a boulder fell down.
She eventually came to the end the hallway, and found Armond sitting next to a green door.
The letter had completely dried in her left hand by now, but its edges were curled. The young adult looked at it again, “So this is where Zorlo lives.”“Thank you for showing me Armond,” she said as a slight smile came over her face. Armond grinned back, not in a threatening way though.

The rabbit girl approached the green door and knocked. Armond climbed the wall then jumped onto her shoulders, his arms resting on the orange-clad female’s bandana. Please don’t pull my bandana off, Armond.She then stepped back, not knowing which way the door opened.

[Zorolo]

Okay, in your most recent post, I noticed something I hadn't noticed yet. I'll show you it in groups, okay? ^_^

I can’t believe I could do that… Why were there words coming into my head when I used that orb first? Air…Shot?

Then the pole came out, what did that one mean? Sky Pillar?! But there was a plank version in it, so why Sky Pillar…?

The shapeshifter muttered out loud, “Is this what my rabbit form can do automatically?”

Then I should not use the form often, otherwise I might forget this and become reliant on it. Its too lightweight, so I could easily get hurt or killed in its form…

The rabbit girl heard an odd screeching sound, as well as moving branches. She immediately got up, and stood in the open.
-
The rabbit girl heard an odd screeching sound, as well as moving branches. She immediately got up, and stood in the open.

The sound joined up with a form, a white monkey. It managed to jump into the oak the girl was under. The oak was about four feet from the tree line around the meadow.

This monkey which was white, yet it was actually an albino. It dropped down to the ground, walked over to the startled girl and literally threw up a letter at her feet.

Okay…,why did it do that?
-
The rabbit girl glanced at the monkey, “Are you ok?” The monkey just looked at her, waiting for her to read the letter.

I hope I don’t get sick form touching this…

The orange-clad female slowly bent down and picked up the letter with two fingers. The slime on it made her shudder.

Why couldn’t its owner have given it a bag or something?!
-
“Armond?” With that word, the monkey stood up.

The rabbit girl exclaimed, “Oh, that’s your name… Could take me to, um, see Zorlo?”

Armond screeched then bolted off to her left, easily moving through the trees.

“Wa-Wait up!” Wisp quickly got her bag, and followed Armond with some difficulty.

What is an Aura Master anyway?
-
The young adult eventually came out of the trees and saw the monkey at the end of the hallway coming up which blended in perfectly with the forest… except doors appearing out of nowhere.

Armond’s really fast.

Wisp came to the end of the hall at a forked path, which resembled a T. The hall on her left was a steel built-fortress style, while on her right lay an old stone path with stone carved walls, like a Mayan temple feel to it.

“Armond, where did you go?” Only a yowl answered, but it echoed through both halls.
-
The rabbit girl went down the Mayan temple hallway, wary of… arrows shooting out of the wall. Despite there were doors in the walls as well. The hallway only had three torches that were spaced widely apart, giving it a creepy feeling. The hallway also had vines hanging down, some barely touched her head.

Why did my Grandma like that Indiana Jones guy? Now I’m worried about what happened in the temple there…
-
The rabbit girl confirmed this by glancing behind her, in case of a boulder fell down.
She eventually came to the end the hallway, and found Armond sitting next to a green door.

The letter had completely dried in her left hand by now, but its edges were curled. The young adult looked at it again, “So this is where Zorlo lives.”

“Thank you for showing me Armond,” she said as a slight smile came over her face. Armond grinned back, not in a threatening way though.

The rabbit girl approached the green door and knocked. Armond climbed the wall then jumped onto her shoulders, his arms resting on the orange-clad female’s bandana.

Please don’t pull my bandana off, Armond.

Okay, now then, at each dash I put, all the lines following said dash should be combined into one paragraph. I'll show you how is can be done, but there is a reason behind it. For one, your character's thoughts should be grouped, even if there is a break involved in it. Also, since your character's actions are continued throughout something. Later, when you have multiple characters talking, then breaking up dialogue is important. Now then, I'll show you how these paragraphs can read.

I can’t believe I could do that… Why were there words coming into my head when I used that orb first? Air…Shot? Then the pole came out, what did that one mean? Sky Pillar?! But there was a plank version in it, so why Sky Pillar…? The shapeshifter muttered out loud, “Is this what my rabbit form can do automatically?” Then I should not use the form often, otherwise I might forget this and become reliant on it. Its too lightweight, so I could easily get hurt or killed in its form… The rabbit girl thought as she heard an odd screeching sound, as well as moving branches. She immediately got up, and stood in the open.
-
The rabbit girl heard an odd screeching sound, as well as moving branches. She immediately got up and stood in the open. The sound joined up with a form: a white monkey. It managed to jump into the oak the girl was under. The oak was about four feet from the tree line around the meadow. This monkey which was white, yet it was actually an albino. It dropped down to the ground, walked over to the startled girl and literally threw up a letter at her feet. Okay…,why did it do that?
-
The rabbit girl glanced at the monkey, “Are you ok?” The monkey just looked at her, waiting for her to read the letter. I hope I don’t get sick form touching this… The orange-clad female slowly bent down and picked up the letter with two fingers. The slime on it made her shudder. Why couldn’t its owner have given it a bag or something?!
-
“Armond?” With that word, the monkey stood up. The rabbit girl exclaimed, “Oh, that’s your name… Could take me to, um, see Zorlo?” Armond screeched then bolted off to her left, easily moving through the trees. “Wa-Wait up!” Wisp quickly got her bag, and followed Armond with some difficulty. What is an Aura Master anyway?
-
The young adult eventually came out of the trees and saw the monkey at the end of the hallway coming up which blended in perfectly with the forest… except doors appearing out of nowhere. Armond’s really fast. Wisp came to the end of the hall at a forked path, which resembled a T. The hall on her left was a steel built-fortress style, while on her right lay an old stone path with stone carved walls, like a Mayan temple feel to it. “Armond, where did you go?” Only a yowl answered, but it echoed through both halls.
-
The rabbit girl went down the Mayan temple hallway, wary of… arrows shooting out of the wall. Despite there were doors in the walls as well. The hallway only had three torches that were spaced widely apart, giving it a creepy feeling. The hallway also had vines hanging down, some barely touched her head. Why did my Grandma like that Indiana Jones guy? Now I’m worried about what happened in the temple there…
-
The rabbit girl confirmed this by glancing behind her, in case of a boulder fell down. She eventually came to the end the hallway, and found Armond sitting next to a green door. The letter had completely dried in her left hand by now, but its edges were curled. The young adult looked at it again, “So this is where Zorlo lives. Thank you for showing me Armond,” she said as a slight smile came over her face. Armond grinned back, not in a threatening way though.

The rabbit girl approached the green door and knocked. Armond climbed the wall then jumped onto her shoulders, his arms resting on the orange-clad female’s bandana. Please don’t pull my bandana off, Armond.

The reason for these changes are because your paragraphs aren't long enough to be actual paragraphs. Now you'll find times when that won't work, but for the most part, you want your paragraphs to be about four sentences long. Also, thoughts and lines of dialogue should be united into one paragraph since there are only pauses at the most.

Aside from these small thing, for letters, all you do is italicize the letter instead of making it bold. That's all. All in all, good post.

Now then, there is one other thing: I'm going to give you a few more readings, (not many posts this time) for some reasons. I want you to read them for two reasons: One so you can understand what an Aura Master is, and secondly to tell you a little bit about Zorlo's room.

Assigned readings:
The Adept (Read the first and last posts of mine in this thread)
A Spot of Training (Post 2 and 4)

Assignment Time:

Have Wisp enter into Zorlo's room behind that green door Wisp saw and start her search through the jungle. Immediately upon entering, Armond will vanish off into the forest. Now then, the main danger of the forest are the giant snakes the size of small skyscrapers and giant prey mantis that eat the flesh of living beasts. Have fun. ^_^

Rules: 800 word minimum. Aside from that, make sure whatever Wisp fights (you can make it only one foe, and that would be fine and probably best) is strong, and make the battle action packed with lots of action verbs. That's all, have fun. ^_^

[Wisp Quill]

Ok, I fixed everything that was wrong.

Into the jungle now! xD

[Wisp Quill]

(Ooc: Word Count; 878. I'm worried about Wisp now. )

After two minutes had passed, Wisp decided to open the door. “I hope Zorlo doesn’t mind me coming in. You think so, Armond?” The albino monkey patted the rabbit girl on her head in response. “Ok then.” As the girl opened the door, a gentle heat greeted her. A little warmer than Florida’s heat right now.

The two had stepped inside of a jungle, with the door slowly closing behind them. Armond jumped off of the girl and immediately scampered away. Of course, this is his home too, she thought. The rabbit girl took in her surroundings, as well as listening for any approaching danger. The blue jeans that covered the female’s legs just hung loosely, every now and then swinging with the rhythm of the young adult’s walking. Her hiking boots made a gentle thudding sound as well as kick up some of the dirt. It helps to be a little wary in new surroundings.

Most of the trees around the young adult towered over her, for a good 25-30 feet at the top. They also stopped most of the sunlight from reaching the area she was standing in. Other spots had visible rays of light coming in. The dirt underneath her was a rich brown color, a milk chocolate version popped up in the light. There were other leafy trees and bushes as well, from a lime to a dark emerald green in complexion, with hints of yellow on the edges. First time begin in any sort of jungle, so I could expect some predators… I hope I don’t get a chance to see what’s lurking in here.

As she walked further into the room, the trees spread out to a good five feet apart. The orange-clad female’s head kept twitching left and right, both trying to stay focused due to the heat and straining to hear any approaching danger. Sure enough, something had found the girl, but it was not friendly.

All the shapeshifter heard was a rustle, then a whir. She turned to her right, and leaped back. A snake’s head had grabbed her bag, but let go of it, the two foot-long fangs dripped out a clear liquid. The base of its head alone was four feet wide, while the rest of its body was obscured due to it matched the dirt. What the girl did not know is that this snake was around 15 feet long. The snake had no unique markings on it, save for the raised middle of its scales. It lunged at her again, with no hiss this time.

The rabbit girl jumped to the right twice, as the snake’s head came out of the ground again. It slowly rose up, but it gave the girl enough time to notice it’s features. There where four pits, all in a row along the side of its upper jaw. Oh great, it’s a pit viper type! Its eyes were traditional for a snake, yet the color was a dull copper.

It slithered towards her, and the rabbit girl punched resulting in another gray orb impacting the serpents head. The snake’s head only bobbed back as it continued to move toward her. She kept stepping back and tripped over a log. It was not a log though, it was part of the snake’s body. It had weaved itself around the tree trunks that girl was near.

The shapeshifter landed on the serpent’s back as it started to coil up for a strike. She let herself fall to the other side of its body as it lunged at the girl. It ended up biting its own back, as the girl ran along side its body. The width of it’s body mostly was a good five feet wide tapering at its neck and tail. The snake then did something odd.

It lifted up part of its body, then dropped it. The girl’s left leg was pinned under the serpent’s weight. “Uhn! Get off of me!” The shapeshifter punched into the snake’s side. The head yet out a grating hiss, as it’s body recoiled off of her leg. The shapeshifter nearly managed to stand up when the serpents tail end coiled tightly around her.

Ugh, I… can’t move…! The top of the serpent’s head came at her, mouth closed, and swung at Wisp. It fully connected with her left side. It released the girl a spilt second after the impact and she flew through the air. The shapeshifter only managed to turn around to have her back smash into a tree. All of the air rushed out of her lungs in quick gasp. The girl dropped to the ground, and began to sit up, but fell back to the ground. Pain was shooting through her body, as the orange-glad girl just watched the serpent’s had come closer. It stopped and reared back with a loud hiss. It was going to strike her. Everything is too jumbled… together. Just a green… and brown… blur…

The rabbit girl could barely feel the heat and humidity of the jungle as fear tightened around her. The silver rimmed glasses that were normally on her face now glinted at her reflecting small beams of light. The shapeshifter tried to catch her breath, gulping in air. She closed her eyes and waited for the snake to bite.

[Zorolo]

OoC: Very good, very good. Now then, time to introduce your teacher. ^_^

BiC: The snake struck fast, lightning like even, towards the girl. At the speed the large beast moved, it was sure to get the girl, no? Well, today wasn't the beast's lucky day. The snake's fangs struck the dirt hard, finding no savory morsel today. A light laugh echoed through the trees and the serpent's angry eyes scanned the trees. Finally, the creature looked at a very high set branch of the tree and reared its head back, ready to strike.

Zorlo rested Wisp over his shoulder as he watched the creature bare its fangs towards him at lightning speed again. Again, the only thing the snake hit was nothing fleshy. This time, it struck a tree, who's branch pierced into the top of its mouth. The snake roared in pain and thrashed about angrily as it searched for the Aura Master, but couldn't seem to keep track of the man who moved fast as blurs of light and image as he moved from tree branch to tree branch, smiling.

Finally, the creature lunged forwards and held its mouth open wide, aiming to swallow the green haired man. The slight sound of a sword unsheathing followed by the words, "Aura Getsuga!" echoed through the air as a huge, massive even, wave of emerald green energy erupted from the fencer's blade and ripped through the monster's mouth, splitting the cretin in half sideways.

As the snake violently split in half, the fencer landed and began walking. For what to a normal person would have been hours, in less than ten minutes, the fencer stood within the warded area of his home. The green haired man entered the cabin near quietly and placed down Wisp upon his bed and smiled as he sat at his desk and began jotting notes. "I'll give her the overview when she wakes up," the green haired man mused.

OoC: Okay, that sets you up.

Assignment Time:

Well now, Zorlo's finally appeared and it is time for Wisp to get to know him. When she wakes up, have her speak to Zorlo. He'll answer any Dome related questions or his room related questions she has, but will say little of himself aside from his proper introduction as... Zorlo, the Aura Ma