[Altamira]DARKRonnoc's Training

[DARKRonnoc]

OOC: My character's link: Francis Abel
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BIC:
Francis peered over the plain, using one hand to shield the light of the setting sun from his eyes. He watched the Archangel Michael speed away, fascinated by the combined sight of the plain and the angel, each sight complementing one another other to make an absolutely splendid view.

"Welcome to the Dome, Francis..."

Francis began to climb down the sloped rock face, using his Parkour skill to easily travel the terrain, bounding from rock to rock, leaping in the air, and then finally rolling onto flat terrain. He stopped to check his equipment, and then stared in awe at the Dome. Before him, the sight of the Dome was magnificent--the ornately carved columns, the decorated walls, so beautiful, but so spartan at the same time, menacing, but peaceful--and he was prepared for whatever lay in wait for him ahead. He began to approach the Dome, fingering his knife as he cautiously stepped forward. He entered...

The first thing Francis noticed was that there was obviously a deep sadness present, as many people were shuffling through the street, solemnly eyeing the ground, not even noticing the newcomer in their midst. Francis stepped to the side of the street, waiting for someone who would be interested in talking to arrive, and then, on finding them, asked, "What's going on here? Something is obviously wrong."

"There is a deep mourning throughout the Dome; one of the respected graduates has passed away. Some knew him as Kelsan, but more knew him as Johnny Bones."

"My condolences, I'm sorry to hear so. If you will excuse me, I must be on my way." Francis continued toward the Dome, pausing in respect for a group of people who seemed upset. He thought out loud to himself, "It's time to find my brother..."

[Altamira]

Hey! I just wanted to say that I'm happy to have you as one of my students and I hope you have fun writing here. :]

Now, let's start. I'm not sure if you've read or been told how this will work, but essentially I'll go through your post and point out any mistakes or things I otherwise think could/should be changed around to make the post better. With grammar stuff, there's basically a right and a wrong answer, but as far as style or other things go, that's an opinion, and if you disagree with how I think something should be changed, that's fine. After I finish making comments, I'll either tell you to fix things up and let me know when you're done, or just give you a new assignment (like a writing prompt/story idea, sort of) to work on for your next post. All your training will take place in this thread unless I tell you otherwise. (If you have any questions I haven't covered, just let me know. ^__^)

Here we go:

A word choice error here:

He watched the Archangel Michael speed away, fascinated by the combined sight of the plain and the angel, each sight complimenting one another other to make an absolutely splendid view.

This is a common mistake--people often don't realize there are two different spellings/meanings for compliment/complement, or aren't sure of which one to use. The one you've used here--compliment--actually just means to express praise, admiration, or congratulations. The word you're looking for is the other one--complement--which is "something that completes, makes up a whole, or brings to perfection." The sights of the plain and the angel come together to make a splendid view.

An issue with repetition here:

He was prepared for whatever obstacles lay in wait ahead. Before him, the sight of the Dome was magnificent--the ornately carved columns, the decorated walls, so beautiful, but so spartan at the same time, menacing, but peaceful--and he was prepared for whatever lay in wait for him ahead. He began to approach the Dome, fingering his knife as he cautiously stepped forward. He prepared to enter...

And here we come to one of those style-related things I mentioned. I've underlined some places where you've repeated the same phrase, and bolded places where you repeated another. While none of this is necessarily wrong, it becomes a little redundant about the idea of Francis being prepared to enter. Try reading it aloud to yourself to see if you notice (or maybe just having it all bolded and underlined will help. ;P) I'd suggest cutting out some of these unnecessary phrases, or at least rewording them and perhaps adding a bit more detail or some of Francis' thoughts to add some interest. If you need some tips on how to go about doing this, or if you'd like to see an example of how it could be done, just let me know and I'll be happy to help. :]

A comma error here:

The first thing Francis noticed, was that there was obviously a deep sadness present, as many people were shuffling through the street, solemnly eyeing the ground, not even noticing the newcomer in their midst.

No comma is needed after the bolded "noticed". The easiest way to figure out when a comma is necessary is to read the sentence aloud, and see where you would naturally pause.

Another comma issue here:

Francis stepped to the side of the street, waiting for someone who would be interested in talking to arrive, and then, on finding them, asked "What's going on here? Something is obviously wrong."

A comma is needed after the bolded "asked". You must always have a comma before dialogue if it's going to be connected to a sentence (as in when you write "he said" followed by dialogue, or preceded by dialogue.) If you have any questions about this, let me know. ;]

And one last error:

He thought outloud to himself, "It's time to find my brother..."

"Out loud" is two separate words. If you want just a single word for the same thing, you can say "aloud".

That's all the errors for this post. Good work! Your post was a little shorter than I would have liked, but otherwise, it was great for a first lesson. Now I'd just like you to fix up the issues I've mentioned in this post, and then PM me or post here to let me know when you're done and ready for your next assignment. :] (Also, I wanted to know if you had seen this tribute RP to Jared and his character Johnny Bones: Farewells. (For all those who wish to join.))

[Altamira]

Sorry for all the delay. Here's your next lesson:

Have Francis enter the halls of the Dome, and after walking a short while without seeing a soul he will find that he is lost in the endless, uniform passageways. Describe his thoughts and reactions to this. However he reacts, have him eventually travel down a hallway that gradually gets darker, as if someone has broken the lights overhead there, until finally he winds up in a pitch black area. Here, he should turn around, wondering whether he should turn back to where he came from, when a creature like a dwarf should rise from the shadows suddenly before him. You can describe the dwarf as much as you like (as far as Francis can see in the darkness), but end your post with him meeting the small man without the dwarf explaining who he is or how he has gotten there yet. 450 words minimum.

If you have any questions or concerns, just let me know. Otherwise, write away! :]

[DARKRonnoc]

It's going to be a while before I can post, as I am VERY far behind in school and need to catch up. I will post when able though.