[Zorolo] Torus White's Training

[MrRandom]

OoC : Alright, I haven't RPed with this guy before, so I'm still working out the best way to do it. So don't be surprised if it sucks . Also, I got a bit carried away...and just to be clear, if it isn't in italics, it's being said out loud.

BiC : White stumbled into the small village, weary from several days of travelling. There was a general store about half way down the street, and a nice-looking square of grass located just to his left. I'll have to spend some time there later, he thought. Several houses sat along the sides of the main road. Walking down the footpath to the door of a nearby motel, a quick look around the village showed that it was a nice, rustic place with very little going on. Just the kind of relaxed atmosphere he'd been looking for to settle down in for a few days.

After a short walk, he arrived at the motel's reception and booked a room. Not a particularly fancy room, but it had all the essentials : bathroom, single bed, kitchen facilities. At least the paint wasn't peeling, he thought to himself. Tired from the day's trekking, White set down his few belongings, which were mostly packed into his backpack anyway, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.

The next morning White awoke at around midday. Still sleepy, he was rather slow to get moving, but when he finally did, he headed outside and had another look around the village. There was a library over on the other side of the village that looked to be large enough to provide a good few days of browsing...well, of the type he was planning on, anyway. There was also a community center of some sort nearby. Mulling over what to do next, White's thoughts were interrupted by a light grunting sound. Thinking that it sounded like someone was carrying something heavy, he looked up and saw a little kid struggling with a large wooden crate almost as big as himself.

"Aw, look at that. We really should go and help him."

"Yeah! He’d be a lot happier then!"

"Nah, let him suffer."

"Who really cares…"

"In helping others, you may find a way to help yourself…"

"It would be the right thing to do."

"Maybe we could ask for a fee of some sort? Or a debt, perhaps?"

"Quiet, all of you! We’re helping, and that’s final!"

Aw, where’s the fun in that…

It appeared that the boy was going to collapse under the weight of whatever was in the crate, so White sprinted over as fast as he could and took the crate off the boy. It was surprisingly heavy for it's size and dimensions, making White wonder what could possibly be in it. After a quick thanks from the boy, the two of them set off down the road. To a casual observer it would have looked rather odd : a little kid walking just in front of a grown man staggering under the weight of a wooden box that certainly didn't look all that heavy.

"That's odd…a typical boy of that age shouldn’t have the required muscular development to lift such a heavy load."

"Things are not always as they appear…"

"Need any help with that, White?"

"Uh, yeah, that would be nice."

As his eyes and hair slowly turned to a magenta colour White felt the familiar sensation of his strength increasing as the Magenta Fragment’s equipment and strength appeared on him. He carried the box with much less trouble, following the boy, who seemed strangely indifferent to his sudden change in appearance. He seemed to be being led out of the village. After a while he asked the boy where they were carrying the box to, at which point the boy simply vanished.

"Gah! That kid duped us! Now we're out here in the middle of nowhere with a box of who-knows-what…wait till I get my hands on him!"

"I'm not sure that would be wise…he can vanish in to thin air and carry things he shouldn’t be capable of carrying…it stands to reason that he might be capable of other strange powers as well."

"I don’t care!" "Hey, kid! When we find you, there’s gonna be-"

"What have I told you lot about revealing your presence to others?"

"Yeah? Well nuts to you!" "Come out, come out, wherever you are..."

"Ooh, can I stab him?"

"Be my guest..."

"Ooh, goody!" thought Grey as he ran at Red with both his weapons raised.

"That should keep Red off my back for a while..."

"Still, this does present us with an interesting conundrum. Namely, what do we do now?"

"We should work out who owns this crate and return it to them; that would be the moral thing to do."

"Well, we’ve been left out here with it, let’s just keep it. We have every excuse to."

"But it wouldn’t be right…"

"You and your morality nonsense."

"Hey! Morality is a very important aspect of-"

"Blah, blah, blah..."

"Grrr..."

"Well, I say we just rip the crate open and see what's inside."

"That could be dangerous…"

"I'm sure we can handle it."

"Let's just throw it away and dance back into the village!"

"…alright, I'm not listening to you anymore. Brown…can you cast something to try and find him?"

"I could, but then that might be an invasion of privacy…"

"He just disappeared-"

"-meaning he probably wants to remain hidden. Who are we to encroach on that right?"

"We're the people carrying this box, and he probably wants it back. It's probably his, after all."

"…I guess you have a point. I’ll have to be manifested though."

"Alright."

White closed his eyes for a brief moment in order to focus better, and a ball of brown light shot out of the top of his head. Moments later a being very similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground. He was slightly translucent too, and was carrying a ball and chain in his right hand. There were inscriptions at several points on the weapon.

"Okay, I should be able to search the surrounding area for any sign of him…"

The manifestation of White’s brown fragment sketched a few arcane gestures in the air with his hand and mumbled something under his breath. A three-dimensional map of the area began to slowly take shape, with a glowing red dot located on it. Brown pointed to the dot and said that this was where the boy must be…though it appeared to be a few feet underground, just below where they were standing. Puzzled, he dispelled the map with a wave of his hand and was promptly unsummoned; he turned back into a ball of light which shot into White’s skull.

"Well, that’s more than a little odd."

"It’s only a few feet, right? We can just dig our way down there, can’t we?"

"Hm…I guess that makes sense. Which is odd, since it’s coming from you."

"What is your problem, you nerd?"

"Just your startling lack of intellect, you big dumb oaf."

"Alright already! We'll dig down a bit and see what we can find. I'll manifest Magenta and Red so we can get done faster."

"Why would I want to come out and help you dig?"

"Because we'll probably find the kid that left us out here."

"Oh, yeah. Wait till I get my hands on-"

"Yes, yes, that’s quite enough."

White closed his eyes once again and concentrated. This time two balls of light, one magenta and one red, shot out of his head and landed in sudden bursts of coloured light next to the spot that Brown had indicated on the map. Two more figures similar in appearance to White appeared immediately after. They both carried greatswords, though the Magenta Fragment's one was a fair bit larger, though unadorned. They were both also equipped with a full suit of plate mail. All in all, the Magenta one appeared much more dangerous, though White knew that this was strictly limited to appearance.

It seemed a pity to spoil the picturesque meadow with a large hole, but White's curiosity quickly overcame the feeling. Still, he couldn't help but feel a bit guilty as he looked around at the tall blades of grass blowing softly in the wind, and the tree branches bending slightly with the soft breeze. Another one of nature's wonders spoiled. They didn't have anything to dig with, but that didn't prove a problem : Magenta just dug with the point of his greatsword. In between his digging, Red provided assistance in the form of intermittent blasts of fire, which loosened the ground and incinerated any tree roots that were getting in Magenta's way. The blasts scorched the surrounding area, making White feel even guiltier about ruining the landscape.

After about 15 minutes Magenta put his greatsword clean through the dirt and into what appeared to be a cavern. The three of them jumped through the hole after White had widened it a bit with a simple force blast, and then took a look around. It was completely dark except for the small amount of sunshine coming down through the hole. White unsummoned the two fragments, and looked around.

He thought for a minute about what to do, then decided to manifest the blue fragment, since it was the most proficient at light spells as White had trouble with even sustaining a light source without intense concentration. The figure that appeared after the summon this time was blue in hue and carried a large quarterstaff, with a katana at his belt.

The Blue Fragment conjured up a spherical light source with a mumbled incantation and looked around. They appeared to be at one end of a passage, and there was only one direction they could take. Blue headed down the passage, but was stopped by White, who had to summon Magenta again to carry the crate with them.

The Magenta Fragment appeared again and picked up the crate with relative ease, though he did need two hands which was unusual. Once he had the crate, the blue fragment headed down the passage with Magenta and White in tow. After a few minutes of travel they came across a large pit of lava with no apparent method of crossing it.

"Well, that’s just great. How do we get over that?"

"We could just jump it..."

"Actually, I believe that even with your augmented strength, White would be unable to jump the chasm with the crate. Even unburdened it would prove difficult."

"Things are not always as they appear…"

"Why are we even here? Let’s just head back and get some rest. It’s not like we care about the kid and his dumb box, anyway…"

"Yes we do, it’s our moral obligation to return it to him…hm, I’d like to try a magical examination of the chasm…"

"Okay, you got it."

White concentrated on manifesting the brown fragment. When he appeared, he shrouded his eyes in an arcane haze and looked over the chasm. He saw a sturdy looking bridge made from some material he couldn’t identify, and cast a spell allowing the others to see through his eyes.

If I’m not mistaken, that’s just magical force there. We should be able to walk right over.

White took the brown fragment’s word for it and walked over the bridge. The three fragments followed, though it was a bit spooky for all of them, given that they couldn’t actually see the bridge. Luckily it was dead straight. Once they reached the other side they saw a door in the wall opposite them.

There seemed to be light coming from the other side, so White unsummoned all the fragments and carried the crate himself, with some help from Magenta. He opened the door and found himself in a small, round room devoid of any furniture other than a small chair in which the little boy sat. The boy rose from his seat and began to speak: "Congratulations, White. You have been found worthy of entry into the Dome." Seeing him carrying the crate he added, "You can put the crate down now."

"Phew, thanks," said White as he put the crate down, "but who are you, and what is this Dome you speak of?"

"And how have we been found worthy? Was there a test? Also, what is in the crate? And-"

"Purple…quiet! We don't know who he is!"

"Uh, yeah, that was just-"

"A fragment of your psyche? I know. We’ve been watching you, Torus-"

"Could you call me White?"

"Uh, okay…we’ve been watching you, White. After careful observation, we decided to give you a test. I am merely the messenger, sent to deliver said test. The Dome is a training facility, and the crate contains a portal to it. Any more questions?"

"Umm, I guess not…"

"Great! Well, after you!"

The boy lifted the lid off the crate to reveal a swirling, pitch-black vortex. With some nervousness, White peered into the crate. He spent a few minutes just staring at the vortex before the boy got impatient and gave him a hefty push. Not expecting this, White was unable to stop himself from tumbling headfirst into the vortex. He had a strange sensation of not actually moving at all as he fell through the vortex, but before he had time to think any more about it, he'd been dumped on to solid ground. He had arrived at the Dome.

OoC : Some of the quotation marks are different, if that's a problem I can fix it, but it'll take a bit longer. If not, it's easier to leave it like this.

[Puck]

As you might notice I have a different teaching style then your other teacher. I break the post down, paragraph by paragraph pointing out mistakes and flaws. After you correct them in your origional post, post a reply saying you have done so and I will post your next assignment...if that made any sense.

Also a wise women once said to me "There are two way to improve your writing, write a lot, and read a lot," and I know you will be writing a lot, so the only logical thing to do is assign you some stuff to read. I will assign something to read after every post like this one, which I expect you to read before I give you your assignment. However since I do not have any way of knowing if you actually read it I will be taking your word for it. NOW onto the post. ^_^

First thing's first. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER. Use Smiles in formal novel style writing like this. None of these ^_^, =3, X_X. Okay? Go back and delete all of those before you continue on. @_@

Originally Posted by MrRandom

OoC : Alright, I haven't RPed with this guy before, so I'm still working out the best way to do it. So don't be surprised if it sucks . Also, I got a bit carried away...and just to be clear, if it isn't in italics, it's being said out loud.

Okay.

White stumbled into the small village, weary from several days of travelling. He had a quick look around and spotted a small motel near the village’s entrance. He walked up to the motel and booked a room. It wasn’t a particularly fancy room, but it was an improvement on the tent and sleeping bag he’d been using the last few nights. He unpacked his few belongings, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.

This paragraph is a little dull, to much "He did this," "He did that" not enough description, and a little bland. No real huge grammatical errors but I would like you to rewrite the paragraph without using the word "he" at the begining of any sentence.

The next morning, White awoke at around midday. When he got up and saw the time, he decided that he needed to recuperate for a few days before heading off. He headed outside and had a look around the village; it seemed cosy enough. He checked around for something to do, when he saw a little kid struggling with a large wooden crate almost as big as himself.

In the first sentence the comma is not needed. Do away with that.

Once again very bland and monotone. Try doing what I asked you to do last paragraph with this one too.

Aw, look at that. We really should go and help him.

Yeah! He’d be a lot happier then! ^_^

Nah, let him suffer >=)

Who really cares…

In helping others, you may find a way to help yourself…

It would be the right thing to do.

Maybe we could ask for a fee of some sort? Or a debt, perhaps?

Quiet, all of you! We’re helping, and that’s final!

Aw, where’s the fun in that…

Put quotations around all of these. I know they are all spoken in his mind but I would prefer it if you did. Also I am not a big fan of color coding whose speaking, but if you insist on doing that don't forget to color code "white" as well. Even though text appears white once you post it, I happen to use a different skin, and it appears black to me.

White headed over to the little boy and asked him if he needed help with the crate. The boy gratefully accepted the help and passed the crate to White, who staggered under its weight.

Still very dull. White did this, The boy did this. A very uninteresting way to write. If you where reading this how long do you think you would be able to pay attention?

That’s odd…a typical boy of that age shouldn’t have the required muscular development to lift such a heavy load.

Things are not always as they appear…

Need any help with that, White?

Uh, yeah, that would be nice.

Nothing really wrong here, other then things I have already touched on.

As his eyes and hair slowly turned to a magenta colour,* White felt the familiar sensation of his strength increasing as the **magenta fragment’s equipment and strength appeared on him. ***He carried the box with much less trouble, following the boy who he was carrying it for, who seemed strangely indifferent to his sudden change in appearance. He seemed to be being led out of the village. After a while,**** he asked the boy where they were carrying the box to, at which point the boy simply vanished.

*That comma is not needed.

**Since "Magenta Fragment" is that personalities name, it should be capitilized.

***"He carried the box with much less trouble, following the boy who he was carrying it for, who seemed strangely indifferent to his sudden change in appearance." get rid of the bolded part. It takes away from the sentence.

****Comma not needed.

[quote]
Gah! That kid duped us! Now we’re out here in the middle of nowhere with a box of who-knows-what…wait till I get my hands on him!

I’m not sure that would be wise…he can vanish in to thin air and carry things he shouldn’t be capable of carrying…it stands to reason that he might be capable of other strange powers as well.

I don’t care!

"Hey, kid! When we find you, there’s gonna be-"

What have I told you lot about revealing your presence to others?

Yeah? Well nuts to you! "Come out, come out, wherever you are..."

Ooh, can I stab him?

Be my guest >_>

Ooh, goody! thought Grey as he ran at Red with both his weapons raised.

That should keep Red off my back for a while...

Still, this does present us with an interesting conundrum. Namely, what do we do now?

We should work out who owns this crate and return it to them; that would be the moral thing to do.

Well, we’ve been left out here with it, let’s just keep it. We have every excuse to.

But it wouldn’t be right…

You and your morality nonsense…

…>_>

Well, I say we just rip the crate open and see what’s inside.

That could be dangerous…

I’m sure we can handle it.

Let’s just throw it away and dance back into the village?

…alright, I’m not listening to you anymore. Brown…can you cast something to try and find him?

I could, but then that might be an invasion of privacy…

He just disappeared-

-meaning he probably wants to remain hidden. Who are we to encroach on that right?

We’re the people carrying his box, and he probably wants it back. It might be his, after all.

…I guess you have a point. I’ll have to be manifested though.

Alright.

Good I liked this part. It showed how the fragments interact with each other.

White closed his eyes for a brief moment in order to focus better, and a ball of brown light shot out of the top of his head. Moments later, a being very similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin, appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground. He was slightly translucent, too, and carried a ball and chain.

"Moments later, a being very similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin, appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground." Your Commas are all wonky in this sentence, it should read.

"Moments later a being very, similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground."


"He was slightly translucent, too, and carried a ball and chain" Commas a weird in this sentence as well. It should read , "He was slightly translucent too and carried a ball and chain" Though I would suggest removing and and change "carried" to Carrying"

Okay, I should be able to search the surrounding area for any sign of him…

The manifestation of White’s brown fragment sketched a few arcane gestures in the air with his hand and mumbled something under his breath. A map of the area began to slowly take shape, with a glowing red dot located on it. Brown pointed to the dot and said that this was where the boy must be…though it appeared to be a few feet underground, just below where they were standing. Puzzled, he dispelled the map with a wave of his hand and was promptly unsummoned; he turned back into a ball of light which shot into White’s skull.

Nothing deathly wrong here, grammer wise. Except a map shouldn't show Depth...

Well, that’s more than a little odd.

It’s only a few feet, right? We can just dig our way down there, can’t we?

Hm…I guess that makes sense. Which is odd, since it’s coming from you.

What is your problem, you nerd?

Just your startling lack of intellect, you big dumb oaf.

Alright already! We’ll dig down a bit and see what we can find. I’ll manifest Magenta and Red so we can get done faster.

Why would I want to come out and help you dig??

Only ever have one question mark, not matter how quizzical the question.

Because we’ll probably find the kid that left us out here.

Oh, yeah. Wait till I get my hands on-

Yes, yes, that’s quite enough.

Nobody likes red ;_; Poor Guy.

White closed his eyes once again and concentrated. This time, two balls of light, one magenta and one red, shot out of his head and landed. The figures that appeared were more battle-equipped, though. He then realized that they had nothing to actually dig with, but Magenta started using his greatsword to dig at the ground, and Red just aimed repeated fire spells at it, which seemed to be scorching away some of the earth. White used some simple wind magic to blow away loose dust and ash as they worked.

Get rid of the comma's in the second and third sentences.

Very monotone, add some more descriptive words. 80-90 percent of everything you write should be decribing something.

After about 15 minutes, Magenta put his greatsword clean through the dirt and into what appeared to be a cavern. The three of them jumped through the hole after White had widened it a bit with a simple force blast, and then took a look around. It was completely dark except for the small amount of sunshine coming down through the hole. White unsummoned the two fragments, and looked around.

Once again no comma in the first sentence.

Also you to not need to use a comma before and.

He thought for a minute about what to do, then decided to manifest the blue fragment, since it was the most proficient at light spells; *White had trouble with even sustaining a light source without intense concentration. The figure that appeared after the summon this time was blue in hue and carried a large quarterstaff, with a katana at his belt.

Get rid of the semicolon and add the word "as".

The blue fragment conjured up a spherical light source with a mumbled incantation and looked around. They appeared to be at one end of a passage, and there was only one direction they could take. Blue headed down the passage, but was stopped by White, who had to summon Magenta again to carry the crate with them.

Nothing wrong heeeeeeeere~

The magenta fragment appeared again and picked up the crate with relative ease, though he did need two hands, which was unusual. Once he had the crate,* the blue fragment headed down the passage with Magenta and White in tow. After a few minutes of travel, they came across a large pit of lava. There was no bridge over it.

Okay look at this paragraph then look at the one before it. Can you tell me what is wrong with the begining of both?

Comma...get rid of it.

"After a few minutes of travel, they came across a large pit of lava. There was no bridge over it." it would sound much nicer if you combined those two sentences.

“Well, that’s just great. How do we get over that?”

“We could just jump it”

Actually, I believe that even with your augmented strength, White would be unable to jump the chasm with the crate. Even unburdened it would prove difficult.

Things are not always as they appear…

Why are we even here? Let’s just head back and get some rest. It’s not like we care about the kid and his dumb box, anyway…

Yes we do, it’s our moral obligation to return it to him…hm, I’d like to try a magical examination of the chasm…

Okay, you got it.

I like your dilogue, it shows the characters personalities very well.

White concentrated on manifesting the brown fragment. When he appeared, he shrouded his eyes in an arcane haze and looked over the chasm. He saw a sturdy looking bridge made form some material he couldn’t identify, and cast a spell allowing the others to see through his eyes, as they all could, being linked as they were.

Okay...am I out of the loop or something...cause I have no idea what "arcane" means.

Bolded word should be "from".

Underlined part is unneeded.

If I’m not mistaken, that’s just magical force there. We should be able to walk right over.

White took the brown fragment’s word for it and walked over the bridge. The three fragments followed, though it was a bit spooky for all of them, given that they couldn’t actually see the bridge. Luckily,* it was dead straight. Once they reached the other side,* they saw a door in the wall opposite them.

Unneeded Comma's.

There seemed to be light coming from the other side, so White unsummoned all the fragments and carried the crate himself, with some help from Magenta. He opened the door and found himself in a small, round room devoid of any furniture other than a small chair in which the little boy sat. The boy rose from his seat and began to speak:

“Congratulations, White. You have been found worthy of entry into the Dome. You can put the crate down now.”

No need to start a new paragraph for the boy's dilogue.

“Phew, thanks,” said White as he put the crate down, “but who are you, and what is this Dome you speak of?”

"And how have we been found worthy? Was there a test? Also, what is in the crate? And-"

Purple…quiet! o_O

"Uh, yeah, that was just-"

"A fragment of your psyche? I know. We’ve been watching you, Torus-"

“Could you call me White?”

“Uh, okay…we’ve been watching you, White. After careful observation, we decided to give you a test. I am merely the messenger, sent to deliver said test. The Dome is a training facility, and the crate contains a portal to it. Any more questions?”

“Umm, I guess not…”

“Great! Well, after you!”

*No comments*

The boy lifted the lid off the crate to reveal a swirling.* pitch-black vortex. With some nervousness, White peered into the crate. With most of his fragments eager to wither train themselves in the Dome or just curious as to where the vortex went, White took a deep breath and tumbled through the vortex into the Dome.

*Should be a comma not a period.

Bolder word should be either.

And the last sentence is a little confusing.

OKAY Assigned reading now. I want you to read the first ten posts of this battle Between Darkness and light. Written by Zorolo and Super-Boss-Lady-Aiko-Chan herself. Have fun ^_^

[MrRandom]

Alright, I think I've covered everything. Doing heavy descriptive passages is still new to me, but hopefully it will become second nature soon enough. I've noticed that I'm a bit comma-happy as well...I'll have to try to avoid that.

One last thing : how come you didn't think I'd look at the reading?

EDIT : Oh yeah, arcane. Wiktionary definition. Is often used to refer to magic or spellcraft-related stuff, though that isn't listed there.

[Puck]

Originally Posted by MrRandom

Alright, I think I've covered everything. Doing heavy descriptive passages is still new to me, but hopefully it will become second nature soon enough. I've noticed that I'm a bit comma-happy as well...I'll have to try to avoid that.

One last thing : how come you didn't think I'd look at the reading?

EDIT : Oh yeah, arcane. Wiktionary definition. Is often used to refer to magic or spellcraft-related stuff, though that isn't listed there.

Yeah you'll get used to it over time. I'm a little comma happy too sometimes. YAY COMMAS...>_>

I just expected people would be like me, and skip over it due to lazyness. Good to know your a harder worked then me ^_^

*Reads over* Good. *Stamps with approval*

Also I didn't mention this before but I liked how you got them guys to the dome, very imaginative.

ASSIGNMENT TIME!

Ok Have White awake in a hallway in the dome with a student looking over him. I need you to write two good sized paragraphs minimum describing this character. Then have the two venture off to find Tsuukai's Room(Tsuukai will be your teacher). Have them discuss how the dome works, and end it with them finding the door, the student leaving and a ghastly voice coming from the other side of the door saying "I've been waiting for you, White" or something like that.



Edit: Tsuukai's Profile can be found Here

[MrRandom]

OoC : Alright, here it is. Bit shorter than last time, though.

White got up off the ground, dusted himself off, and took stock of his surroundings. The walls of the large building he found himself in were a dull metallic colour, and devoid of any features whatsoever save for a door on the wall opposite him with the words "New arrivals" painted on it in large red letters. Shrugging to himself White headed over to the door and walked through it.

He had just shut the door behind him when an arrow came whizzing through the air and embedded itself in the door just above his head. Startled, he spun around and drew his shortswords only to come face to face with a tall man holding a longbow and grinning childishly. He wore a dark green hooded cloak and had a quiver of odd-looking arrows on his back.

The man walked up to White and introduced himself as Learon. He said he was a bit of a practical joker. No kidding, thought White, though he must have decent aim to be able to do that without thinking that he could miss and kill me. Learon was wearing an odd set of clothing that appeared dark green, but turned grey when viewed from a different angle.

Checking around the corridor he found himself in, he noticed that the walls had been painted a dark green colour but the floor was just grey concrete. There was a sign on the wall saying "New arrivals this way" with an arrow pointing down the corridor. White headed down the corridor in that direction noting the cheap looking fluorescent lighting that was swaying forlornly from the ceiling. When he noticed Learon following him, he turned to him and asked why he was doing so.

"I always like showing up and giving the new students a bit of a scare," said Learon with a bit of a chuckle taking off his hood off his head so that White could see his face. He was rather unkempt; his hair was brown and all over the place, though it somehow managed not to obscure his vision, and his eyes were green and wild-looking, but with a hint of a calmer blue colour.

"AH! He's going to kill us!"

"I'm sure it- wait, who are you?"

"Hm, that was odd..."

"What was odd...?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing..."

"Oh, I'm nothing now, am I?!"

"Who was that?" snapped Learon in a surprisingly worried voice, as he looked around wildly for the source of the voice. "It sounded an awful lot like you..."

"Uh, it's a bit of a story. Let's just say he's a part of my mind. A fragment, if you will. I try to keep them secret mostly, but it isn't easy when they do that"

"Ah, who cares..."

"I do! I don't want everyone calling me a freak..."

"Oh, right..." Learon said, sounding considerably relieved, "Don't worry, there's none of that here. Most of the Dome's students are abnormal in some way. I'm pretty much as normal as they come."

"I can see we're in for a fascinating experience here. Now, I haven't asked where we are yet, so where on Earth are we?"

"We're not on earth, we're in some sort of weird extradimensional pocket of space. At least I think that's what they told me...I can't really remember."

"Fascinating..."

The pair reached the end of the corridor and entered a large hall full of tables. The floor had a black and white checkered pattern, and White noticed a pair of people taking advantage of this to play an almost human-sized game of chess. The pieces seemed to be moving of their own volition, but after a minute of observation, Purple pointed out that they were probably using telekinesis or a similar power.

"Oddballs...I'm going to fit in well here." thought White with a smile on his face.

"So it would appear."

There were people dotted around the hall, most of them sitting at tables. Several of them were eating what White assumed was lunch, given the time on the clock set into the wall opposite them. It seemed like your average sort of canteen area, until you began to notice the oddities in several of the patrons. A couple of them had wings folded up on their backs, and White could swear he saw someone with horns on their head, though when he looked again they were gone. Not only that, but almost all of them were carrying some sort of weapon : swords, daggers, bows, even flails...you name it, it was probably being carried by someone in the canteen.

White went and examined the menu. It seemed pretty normal, though they did appear to serve blood, which was odd. A closer look around the canteen revealed one or two vampires drinking what he'd taken to be tomato juice. Suddenly feeling a bit sick, he quickly turned back to the menu to avoid losing his appetite. There was a bit of other weird stuff too, but White decided not to dwell on it. He just ordered an egg salad sandwich and sat down at a nearby table, noting how comfortable the seats were. Purple immediately launched into a barrage of questions, to nobody's surprise.

"So, who came up with this place, anyway?"

"You know, I'm not sure. It's been around for as long as anyone I know can remember."

"And you said it was a training facility, so who are the teachers?"

"The teachers? They're all over the place. You might have seen one already and not have known it."

"But how do classes work and things like that?

"Well, I'm not exactly sure. I haven't been here long either, you know."

Once he'd finished the sandwich and had enough of watching the chess players, they walked out through a different door, much to Purple's irritation: he'd been interested to see how the game ended. They emerged into another corridor, only this one was lined with doors. Each door had a name on it, and White noticed that some of the names were a bit...odd. I mean, what kind of name is "Falenor"? The doors themselves were for the most part plain, brown affairs, though the occasional one had some symbol or other stuck on it, no doubt something to do with that room's occupant. Eventually, they came to Learon's door, and he vanished inside with a rushed goodbye, leaving White out in the corridor without a clue what was going on.

"Oh brilliant...that's the second time that's happened. Grr...

"Now, now, I don't think he'd have just left us here. This may be another test.

"Yes, it is possible that we are required to use what we know of the Dome so far to determine where to go next...

"Or we could just bash our way through all the doors until we find someone to help us.

"...That would be the dumb thing to do.

"It would also be an invasion of private property, most likely."

"Yeah, and I don't think it would be terribly pleasant for the room's occupants, either."

"Grr...aw, I wanted to bash stuff."

"Cheer up! You got to carry the crate and dig that hole, right?

"I guess so...thanks."

"Anytime, Magenta!"

"Um, yes alright, but what are we meant to do in the meantime?"

"Eh, who cares, let's just sit here."

"I say we find Learon again and stab him until he tells us what to do next!"

"He probably deserves it"

"That would just be wrong."

"Hurting others will only hurt yourself in the long run..."

"I don't know, I feel pretty good about it! How about we test this out on you..."

"All right, none of that. We need to be thinking here."

"Well, that was amusing to listen to..." the voice sounded bored and more than a little bit sarcastic.

White spun around at the sound of the voice. He saw that he was facing a door with "Tsuukai" written on it. Slapping himself for not telling his fragments to hold that conversation in his mind, he walked tentatively up to the door and raised a hand to knock.

"No need for that, I know you're there, White..." came the creepy, unnerving reply from the other side of the door.

"I was wondering when you would show up...a few more minutes and I'd have gotten bored and left. Lucky for you..." It sounded to White as though it might not have been altogether lucky for him, but he tried to put that thought aside as he waited for the door to open.

OoC : I think that was a bit better, though the description is probably still a bit thin.

[Puck]

Originally Posted by MrRandom

OoC : Alright, here it is. Bit shorter than last time, though.

I don't care about word counts. Not with you at least. You always seem to turn out a good number of words, so that is not an issue for you. Do not feel pressured to write long posts.

White got up off the ground, dusted himself off, and took stock of his surroundings. The walls of the large building he found himself in were a dull metallic colour, and devoid of any features whatsoever, save for a door on the wall opposite him with the words "New arrivals" painted on it in large, red letters. Shrugging to himself, White headed over to the door and walked through it.

Ahem. It's Comma Rules time ^_^

1:Use a comma before a coordinating conjunction (and, or, but, nor, yet, for, so) that separates two independent clauses.

EX:Traditional classroom methods are under fire from educators nationwide, and many are advocating that methods for individualizing instruction be incorporated into K-12 curricula.

2:Use a comma after an introductory word, phrase, or clause that comes before a main clause.

EX:Strangely, no one has suggested that Watergate gave us a "new Nixon."

3:Use commas around words, phrases, and clauses in the middle of a sentence when they aren't essential to the meaning of the sentence.

EX: By "imagination," then, I mean the free intellectual and sensory play of the mind.

4:Use commas between items in a series.

EX:The frigid, snowy, windy day was typical of Minnesota in January.

5:Use commas before and after a quotation within a sentence.

EX:"Cooperation between government and industry," the president said, "must exist if the country is to prosper."

6:Use a comma before an afterthought or contrasting element.

EX: For Canada, the War of 1812 was vitally important, far more important than it was for Britain.

7:Use commas to set off geographical names, items in date, and professional titles.

EX:The speaker that day was from Atlanta, Georgia; she discussed the discrimination against blacks which still exist there.


Those are the comma rules. No read through your Post and get rid of any comma that does not fall underthose rules, and add any that are needed. I will not bring up Comma's again in this post, so if you have any questions please feel free to PM me.

He had just shut the door behind him when an arrow came whizzing through the air and embedded itself in the door just above his head. Startled, he spun around and drew his shortswords, only to come face to face with a tall man holding a longbow grinning a little childishly. He wore a dark green hooded cloak and had a quiver of odd-looking arrows on his back.

Get rid of this word. It distracts from the point of the sentence, and breaks formality.

The man walked up to White and introduced himself as Learon. He said he was a bit of a practical joker. No kidding, thought White, though he must have decent aim to be able to do that without thinking that he could miss and kill me. Learon was wearing almost entirely dark green clothing...at least it appeared dark green. He looked at it from another angle and it seemed to turn grey.

Please put Italics around all thoughts.

I think the bolded part should be combined into a single sentence, it's a little choppy and disrupts the flow of the work.

Checking around the corridor he found himself in, he noticed that the walls had been painted a dark green colour, but the floor was just grey concrete. There was a sign on the wall saying "New arrivals this way" with an arrow pointing down the corridor. White headed down the corridor in that direction, noting the cheap looking fluorescent lighting that was swaying forlornly from the ceiling. When he noticed Learon following him, he turned to him and asked why he was doing so.

An Okay Paragraph this one is.

"I always like showing up and giving the new students a bit of a scare," said Learon with a bit of a chuckle. Learon took his hood off his head so that White could see his face. He *seemed rather unkempt; his hair was brown and all over the place, and his eyes were green and wild-looking.

Combine the underlined sentences together, they look very choppy like that.

*Well is he or isin't he? Remember this is in third person veiw so it is fine to say he was rather unkempt.

Thats a rather "meh" Description, I'm sure you can come up with a better one then that.

"AH! He's going to kill us!"

"I'm sure it- wait, who are you?"

"Hm, that was odd..."

"What was odd...?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing..."

"Oh, we're nothing now, are we?!"

I find it odd that Red would care about the other aspects.

"Who was that?" said Learon, as he looked around wildly for the source of the voice. "It sounded an awful lot like you..."

"Uh, it's a bit of a story. Let's just say he's a part of my mind. A fragment, if you will. I try to keep them secret mostly, but it isn't easy when they do that"

"Said Learon" is a very boring way to say that why not try something like "Learon Asked, Learon Questioned, Learon said quizzicly" Something along those lines would fit better.

"Ah, who cares..."

"I do! I don't want everyone calling me a freak..."

"Don't worry, there's none of that here. Most of the Dome's students are abnormal in some way. I'm pretty much as normal as they come."

"I can see we're in for a fascinating experience here."

"Yes, indeed you are."

"Now, I haven't asked where we are yet, so where on Earth are we?"

indeed doesn't fit there. Use another word or just get rid of it.

"We're not on earth, we're in some sort of weird extradimensional pocket of space. At least I think that's what they told me...I can't really remember."

"Fascinating..."

*Approves* XD

The pair reached the end of the corridor and entered a large hall full of tables. The floor had a black and white checkered pattern, and White noticed a pair of people taking advantage of this to play a large-sized game of chess. The pieces seemed to be moving of their own volition, but after a minute of observation, Purple pointed out that they were probably using telekinesis or a similar power.

"large-sized" Wouldn't "Human-Sized" fit better? Large could just mean the peices where bigger then usual, Human-sized tells the reader just how big they are.

"Oddballs...I'm going to fit in well here." thought White with a smile on his face.

"So it would appear."

A few people were sitting at the tables consuming various foods. Learon explained that this was the Dome's main canteen. He proceeded to tell White that there were a few restaurants dotted around the campus, and the food there was excellent. One of the reasons he was staying here, in fact. White realized he hadn't had anything to eat since the incident with the crate and decided to order something.

"Various foods"...Err...something doesn't sound right about this description...

The underlined part is confusing, and unneeded.

This paragraph is a tad dull, try rewritting this one plz.

He checked out the menu : nothing too special, but they did serve nice looking sandwiches. The egg salad *ones looked decent, so he bought one of those. Nothing special, but much better than the dried rations he'd been living off just a day or two ago. Once he'd bought the sandwich, they headed over to a nearby table and sat down; the seats were surprisingly comfortable. Purple took the opportunity to ask Learon a few more questions about the Dome.

How many different type of egg salad sandwich are there? XP Also hate it when people use the same word twice in one sentence, so take out one of those "ones" please.

He bought the food. They sat down. The seats where comftrable. He asked questions about the dome. All rather dull and choppy, try combing sentences, and varying your sentence types.

"So, who came up with this place, anyway?"

"You know, I'm not sure. It's been around for as long as anyone I know can remember."

"And you said it was a training facility, so who are the teachers?"

"The teachers? They're all over the place. You might have seen one already and not have known it."

"But how do classes work and things like that?

"Well, I'm not exactly sure. I haven't been here long either, you know."

Jeeze Purple is annoying, he just has to know everything.

Once he'd finished the sandwich and had enough of watching the chess players, they walked out through a different door, much to Purple's irritation *: he'd been interested to see how the game ended. They emerged into another corridor, only this one was lined with doors. Each door had a name on it, and White noticed that some of the names were a bit...odd. I mean, what kind on name is "Falenor"? The doors themselves were for the most part plain, brown affairs, though the occasional one had some symbol or other stuck on it, no doubt something to do with that room's occupant. Eventually, they came to Learon's door, and he vanished inside with a rushed goodbye, leaving White out in the corridor without a clue what was going on.

*No space here.

"I mean, what kind on name is "Falenor"?" XD Lawl.

"Oh brilliant...that's the second time that's happened. Grr...*

"Now, now, I don't think he'd have just left us here. This may be another test.*

"Yes, it is possible that we are required to use what we know of the Dome so far to determine where to go next...*

"Or we could just bash our way through all the doors until we find someone to help us.*

"...**that would be the dumb thing to do.*

"It would also be an invasion of private property, most likely."

"Yeah, and I don't think it would be terribly pleasant for the room's occupants, either."

"Grr...aw, I wanted to bash stuff."

"Cheer up! You got to carry the crate and dig that hole, right?

"I guess so...thanks.*

"Anytime, Magenta!*

"Um, yes alright, but what are we meant to do in the meantime?"

"Eh, who cares, let's just sit here."

"I say we find Learon again and stab him until he tells us what to do next!"

"He probably deserves it"

"That would just be wrong."

"Hurting others will only hurt yourself in the long run..."

"I don't know, I feel pretty good about it! How about we test this out on you..."

"All right, none of that. We need to be thinking here."

*You forgot the end quote.

**You forgot your capitalization.

"Well, that was certainly amusing to listen to..." the voice sounded bored and more than a little bit sarcastic.

White spun around at the sound of the voice. He saw that he was facing a door with "Tsuukai" written on it. Slapping himself for not telling his fragments to hold that conversation in his mind, he walked tentatively up to the door and raised a hand to knock.

Just a character thing, Tsuukai usually is blunt and to the point so he would not have used that word there. It's your first time using him so that's okay.

"No need for that, I know you're there, White..." came the reply from the other side of the door. The voice was more than a little bit creepy, and it rather unnerved him.

"I was wondering when you'd show up...a few more minutes and I'd have gotten bored and left. Lucky for you..." It sounded to White as though it might not have been altogether lucky for him, but he tried to put that thought aside as he waited for the door to open.

"came the reply from the other side of the door. The voice was more than a little bit creepy, and it rather unnerved him." Would sound much better as "Came the creepy, unnerrving voice from the other side of the door," Notice how I combined the two sentences to make it flow better.

Another character thing. Tsuukai usually doesn't not use contractions, or Slang in his speech as he usually is very formal.



Okay fix that stuff, and the Comma Errors following the rules from above, and then post here when your done. Then you'll get your next assignment.

Okay I have two pieces of assigned reading for you(Don't worry one is just a single post) The first is the first eight posts of "Shadows Favored". Whilst reading I want you to keep in mind sentence structure, and description. Also I need you to read Post 31 of Broken Blades, the reason I need you to read this will be explained in your next assignment. Feel free to read the rest of the battle if you like.

[MrRandom]

Alright, done. $5 says I missed at least 3 comma errors...v_v

Oh, and I haven't started the reading yet because I wanted to get that post cleared up ASAP, but I've just started on it now.

And I'm still not entirely happy with Learon's description, so I might end up re-doing that again at some point. But it'd take more thinking time than I currently have, so I'm putting this up now rather than waiting.