[Safer] Lafami Odureg's Training

[Topaz Mutiny]

Okay, so ignoring the advice given by the caravan that she had stolen a basket of apples from was apparently not a good thing. Lafami stared out into the depths of the murky, bog-like forest, knowing that she was truly lost. This in itself wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, for she technically considered herself lost ever since she left the desert, it was the fact that the soft, mushy, moss-laden ground had decided that it wanted to eat her. Lafami remembered that back in the desert, there were some places in the sand that were actually deep pits, and once you stepped in them, you’d sink and sink until you were buried, and then you’d suffocate to death. That was called quicksand. As Lafami searched through her pack for anything of use, she glanced at the muck that had now just swallowed her knees. Strange… dirt had been so much more solid than sand… to think it capable of eating her like quicksand was an entirely new experience.

Beside her, Reti meowed plaintively, concerned at her master’s peril. The cat, unlike Lafami, was too light to sink below the layer of moss, and so she paced anxiously on the wobbly mass, meowing whenever Lafami sank a bit lower.

Eventually though, Lafami found what she was searching for - a bit of rope and fishing twine, strong enough to catch even the largest hylian bass. As the sinkhole claimed her waist, now lapping at the ragged ends of her tunic, Lafami donned her pack and tossed one end of the line to Reti, holding on to the other end herself.

"Find someplace to tie this!" Lafami ordered with urgency. With the grace of her species, Reti pounced lightly on the twine, grabbing it in her mouth, then darting off to find something within reach to tie it to. Unfortunately for the ocicat, the trunks of the trees were too thick, and others too far, for the line to be adequately tied. Looking up at the tree, Reti noticed the limbs stretching out towards the clearing, just above the muck that Lafami had trapped herself in. Some seemed low enough for the rope to wrap around.

Tossing the line back to her master, Reti scampered up the trunk of the closest tree, claws scraping off moist, fungus-eaten bark as she went. She then made her way across a low, sturdy branch, until she was about fifteen to twenty feet away from Lafami, and meowed loudly. By then, Lafami had reeled in the twine, watching her feline companion at work. She grinned as she realized the cat’s plan, and began swinging the rope around like a lasso, faster and faster, until she lashed out her arm towards the branch Reti sat upon.

It came short, and Reti howled louder. The little gerudo girl frowned, and began to swing the rope around again, this time more vigorously. She had to work quick, for she could feel the mud begin to creep up near her arms, and once they got there, it would severely limit her movement. Once more she tossed the rope, grunting with the extra effort, and Reti reached out and snatched it with a paw.

"Yes!" Lafami crowed in triumph, watching her companion climb over and under the tree branch, twine in her mouth, wrapping the rope around it tighter and tighter. With her hands, Lafami could feel the rope suddenly stiffen, and knew that it was time to get out of that muck-hole. Flexing her arms, Lafami pulled against the tug of the gunk that had swallowed more than half of her body. The resistance was great, but the little girl’s will was stronger. Inch by inch she pulled herself from death, and inch by inch it became easier to climb. Soon enough, the muck was now down to her ankles, and she made one more mighty lurch. Almost reluctantly, the mud let go of her with a slurp, and slid back down into quiet, serene peace. Overjoyed, Lafami climbed the rest of the way, and sat on the branch to rest, petting Reti. Despite the hardship, the thief was grinning widely as she uncoiled the rope, and replaced it within her pack.

"Well that was cool, wasn’t it?" she asked rhetorically, not expecting for her only companion to answer. As she wiped her brow of sweat, Lafami glanced at something in the fog. Curious, she leaned forward, squinting. It almost… looked like a building of some sort. A building? Way out here? While it wasn’t impossible, Lafami had thought it improbable that any sort of structure could possibly survive in this humid, soupy place. Reti meowed questioningly, and Lafami’s grin reappeared on her face, bigger than ever.

"Well, it’s there," Lafami told the cat, "Why not check it out while we have the chance?" Reti, as if understanding what the green-clad girl had said, leaped from the tree branch, and landed as light as a feather on the ground below. She meowed at Lafami - all safe!

Grinning, thinking thoughts of exploration and treasures, Lafami jumped down, deftly landing on her feet, and entered the Dome, Reti by her heel.

[Kitsuné]

Hey, I'm Safer's TA, Kitsuné. I'll be your teacher for the time being. ^__^

Your writing looks pretty decent, nicely balanced and all that. I just have a few things I'd like to work on before we crack on to the nitty gritty, which I won't focus on yet. :3

Eventually though, Lafami found what she was searching for - a bit of rope and fishing twine, strong enough to catch even the largest hylian bass. As the sinkhole claimed her waist, now lapping at the ragged ends of her tunic, Lafami donned her pack and tossed one end of the line to Reti, holding on to the other end herself, and spoke with urgency. "Find someplace to tie this!" With the grace of her species, Reti pounced lightly on the twine, grabbing it in her mouth, then darting off to find something within reach to tie it to. Unfortunately for the ocicat, the trunks of the trees were too thick, and others too far, for the line to be adequately tied. Looking up at the tree, Reti noticed the limbs stretching out towards the clearing, just above the muck that Lafami had trapped herself in. Some seemed low enough for the rope to wrap around.

This paragraph has been blocked up, andwe need to break it down. It should be:

Eventually though, Lafami found what she was searching for--a bit of rope and fishing twine, strong enough to catch even the largest hylian bass. As the sinkhole claimed her waist, now lapping at the ragged ends of her tunic, Lafami donned her pack and tossed one end of the line to Reti, holding on to the other end herself, and spoke with urgency.

"Find someplace to tie this!" With the grace of her species, Reti pounced lightly on the twine, grabbing it in her mouth, then darting off to find something within reach to tie it to.

Unfortunately for the ocicat, the trunks of the trees were too thick, and others too far, for the line to be adequately tied. Looking up at the tree, Reti noticed the limbs stretching out towards the clearing, just above the muck that Lafami had trapped herself in. Some seemed low enough for the rope to wrap around.

Speech should be broken off from the paragraph, as it follows a different structure than normal writing. However, this breaks the flow of your writing in this instance, so the bolded sentences should be changed to accommodate this. The first sentence can be reprimanded easily, merely ditching the "and spoke with urgency", at the end. The second needs more change, though.

"Find someplace to tie this!" With the grace of her species, Reti pounced lightly on the twine, grabbing it in her mouth, then darting off to find something within reach to tie it to.

Should be:

"Find someplace to tie this!" Reti spoke with urgency.

With the grace of her species, Reti pounced lightly on the twine, grabbing it in her mouth, then darting off to find something within reach to tie it to.

That way, you've got the same writing, just shuffled around a little. ^^;

It came short, and Reti howled louder. The little gerudo girl frowned, and began to swing the rope around again, this time more vigorously. She had to work quick, for she could feel the mud begin to creep up near her arms, and once they got there, it would severely limit her movement. Once more she tossed the rope, grunting with the extra effort, and Reti reached out and snatched it with a paw. "Yes!" Lafami crowed in triumph, watching her companion climb over and under the tree branch, twine in her mouth, wrapping the rope around it tighter and tighter. With her hands, Lafami could feel the rope suddenly stiffen, and knew that it was time to get out of that muck-hole. Flexing her arms, Lafami pulled against the tug of the gunk that had swallowed more than half of her body. The resistance was great, but the little girl’s will was stronger. Inch by inch she pulled herself from death, and inch by inch it became easier to climb. Soon enough, the muck was now down to her ankles, and she made one more mighty lurch. Almost reluctantly, the mud let go of her with a slurp, and slid back down into quiet, serene peace. Overjoyed, Lafami climbed the rest of the way, and sat on the branch to rest, petting Reti. Despite the hardship, the thief was grinning widely as she uncoiled the rope, and replaced it within her pack.

Same thing here; I'll leave you to reformat that.

"Well that was cool, wasn’t it?" She asked rhetorically, not expecting for her only companion to answer.

As as being at the beginning of a paragraph, which I've gone through, "She" should be "she". A question mark or exclamation acts as a comma at the end of dialogue.

Then there's the other speech in that paragraph, which you can fix later, too.

Once that's finished, PM me to receive your next lesson. ^__^

[Kitsuné]

Assignment

Okay, as Lafami enters the Dome, she'll be met by a Domerii--the butlers of the Dome; plain white skinned humans, mostly--and she'll be told that her teacher is to be along shortly, and that she may take a look around. Due to her curiosity, she'll find herself wandering about, eventually going through a door with her name on it. Inside is Lafami's dream room--it has everything she'll ever want, need or even think about. End the post with a tap at her door. No word minimum, but try and keep it roughly the same size as your last post. ^__^

I'd like you to focus on description in this post; I've seen that you're pretty good at it already. The real test, however, is to see how well you format this post into correct paragraphs. It'll be easier without much speech, so I'm sure you'll be fine.

Have fun. :3

[Topaz Mutiny]

Lafami glanced around the entrance to the Dome in awe. The stone walls were lacking in decoration and color, though they seemed to be intricately carved. It wasn't quite like natural stone, and yet the markings seemed to have no heiroglyphic semblance or pictoral resemblence at all. The only piece of stone that did seem more coherent was the pair of double doors directly ahead. It was strange and oddly beautiful. The ceiling above her stretched up far over her head, making her feel as small as an ant next to an anaconda. Lafami's eyes darted about, and both her and Reti were alert to any sounds. However, inside the Dome, it was errily quiet, which only made the two even edgier. No footsteps, no trickling water or crumbling rocks, no breathing beside their own; there wasn't even the sound of a trap being sprung. In fact, the only thing of importance in the cathedral-sized room was the door in front of her, and the strange robed figure standing next to it.

Lafami blinked in confusion, and Reti, hissing and bristling her fur in fear, only made the redhead sure that this... person... had definately not been there the first time she had looked at the door. It boggled her mind to try and figure out how the cloaked figure had entered this room without her noticing. Even magic had a distinctive noise in the silence.

Frowning, with her hands on the hilts of both her scimitars, Lafami strode towards the pale-skinned character. As soon as she stomped up the small set of steps to the door, she was prepared to demand who he was and what he was doing here... but she never got the chance. The figure had bowed, and he spoke before the words could come out of her open mouth.

"Greetings. We have been expecting you. Please do not be alarmed... I assure you that you will not be harmed," the human, which is what Lafami saw as she got a better look under his hood, salutated. Lafami gaped, and Reti had her ears flat across her head. Expecting her!? She got herself lost in a swamp, and they were expecting her!?

"... Who are you?" she demanded of him, her gaping mouth turning into a glower. "And how could you expect me to be here if I didn't expect it myself!?" she added, griping the hilts of her swords even tighter. The pale human was unconcerned by her outburst, and instead bowed a second time.

"I am of the Domerii, the caretakers of The Dome," he explained, ignoring Lafami's second question with a small, rueful smile. He then opened the doors for her, and urged her to enter. Lafami did so, though did not relax at the Domerii's harmless demeanor. Once she was fully beyond the doors, the Domerii bowed for a third time.

"Please, enjoy your stay, Lafami Odureg. You are allowed to explore as you wish, and your teacher will be along shortly." He added, before taking a final bow and closing the doors.

Lafami was dumbfounded. Teacher? When in Din's name did she get a teacher!? And furthermore... how in the name of the three Goddesses did that creepy old fogey know her name!? Grumbling, Lafami stood in front of the doors, waiting to be let back out, but the Domerii never opened the door.

Eventually though, she got got bored, and took a look around at where she was. Unlike the entrance to this increasingly weird place, the hallway she was now in was ornately decorated with paintings, many of which were framed in either gold or bronze, and the occasional brazier. After a couple yards, the hall branched off into many other hallways, all with doors and torches. Some were decorated with more portraits, while others had shelves of dainty statues and colorful vases lining the walls.

Now intrigued, Lafami picked a random hallway and proceeded to walk down it, Reti by her side. This particular hallway mainly had valuable vases and some wood carvings of various animals, and Lafami often stopped to look at a few that caught her interest. Of all the doors that she passed, all had nameplates set into the wood, and each seemed as individual as the next. As she came towards the fifth door, it immediately took importance over everything else in the hall, as this one had her name on it. The plate seemed to be cut from obsidian, and the name itself was made of silver. Set in the obsidian like stars on a dark night were very small sapphires, each shining bright and blue. Curiosity and excitement pulsed through her now, and with an eager hand, Lafami opened the door to her room.

What she saw was nothing short of unspeakable.

The room was small, but not so much as to be uncomfortable. Various weapons lined the wall to her left, and there were several different whips as well. Rusty red handles glowed in the light, and the sapphires embedded into each weapon sparkled at her. Lafami looked to the wall ahead of her, and found herself looking at a beautiful monochromatic mozaic, featuring a side-view of the gerudo clan marching proudly across desert sands. It seemed to be made of sapphire and blue topaz. A bed in the upper right corner then drew her attention. It was strange and unfamilar, for the mattress laid upon a stubby wooden structure, and did not seem to be made of straw, leaves, or any sort of uncomfortable material that she knew beds were made of. Next to the bed was a stand, on top of which was some sort of cotton material... perhaps a bed for Reti? Lafami was also suprised to see a rack of clothing, most of which were untattered variations of the tunic she now wore; the rest seemed to be bed clothing, and all of those were blue. To intrigue her further, Lafami spied a trap door hidden beneath several pairs of boots and slippers, just in front of the rack. Looking at the floor, she noticed that it was tiled and the color of sand, reminicent of her homeland. She then discovered that around the room were stands with trinkets, handfulls of cut sapphires, and all sorts of odds and ends, all of which Lafami adored. Finally, when Lafami looked up at the ceiling, she saw another mozaic, this time of an overview of the Kokiri Forest, in full color.

Breathing lightly, Lafami entered the room and gently closed the door. She felt faint and fluttery... it was as if all she ever wanted was in this very room. As she touched the walls, making sure they were real, she discovered that pressing in the head of the lead gerudo in the mozaic revealed a door to a secret room, which she then entered. It was dark, but as soon as the door closed, it showed itself to be a sparring room, with dummies, hanging planks, and a small but complex-looking obstacle course. It was everything she ever dreamed of having.

Leaving the secret room, Lafami at last came to investigate the trap door. Brushing off the boots and slippers, Lafami gripped the latch, pulled the door open, and jumped down. The lights flared... and Lafami's excitement deflated entirely.

It was the bathroom.

Despite the pearly white bathtub, sink, weirdo chamberpot, and serenely decorated walls, Lafami didn't feel particularly excited about finding a bathroom.

Suddenly, there was a knock on her door. Lafami's head snapped up, and she climbed the ladder to get out of her trap-door-bathroom. Reti, whom had settled into her little bed, jumped down and meowed at the door. Her curiosity once again relit, Lafami opened the door.

[Kitsuné]

Nice post. ^__^ There's only one major error I need to address before moving on to the nitty gritty.

weirdo chamberpot (it was actually a toilet, but she doesn't know what a toilet is),

Speaking of the floor, it was tiled and the color of sand, reminicent of her homeland.

On these occassions, you breached the wall between writer and reader--you 'broke the narrative', as Safer would say.

In writing, this is a big no-no, although one that can easily be reprimanded. When you do this--along with something else I'll move onto in a second--you take the jump from the reader being in the story, to the reader being told the story. The latter is much better, and helps your writing's readability. Try to avoid that, and you'll be fine. ^^

Also:

The room was small, but not so much as to be uncomfortable. Various weapons lined the wall to her left, and there were several different whips as well. Each weapon's handle was a rusty red, and all had at least one large sapphire embedded into it. The wall in front of her was a beautiful monochromatic mozaic, featuring a side-view of the gerudo clan marching proudly across desert sands. It seemed to be made of sapphire and blue topaz. There was a bed in the upper right corner, strange and unfamilar, for the mattress laid upon a stubby wooden structure, and did not seem to be made of straw, leaves, or any sort of uncomfortable material. Next to the bed was a stand, on top of which was some sort of cotton material... perhaps a bed for Reti? Nearby both beds was a rack of clothing, most of which were untattered variations of the tunic she now wore; the rest seemed to be bed clothing, and all of those were blue. In front of that rack were several pairs of boots and slippers, which seemed to be resting on a trap door. Speaking of the floor, it was tiled and the color of sand, reminicent of her homeland. Scattered around the room were stands with trinkets, handfulls of cut sapphires, and all sorts of odds and ends, all of which Lafami adored. When Lafami looked up at the ceiling, she saw another mozaic, this time of an overview of the Kokiri Forest, in full color.

Large parts of this descriptive paragraph--although lovely--are what we call 'telling sentences'. Your writing shines through this, but is slightly restricted by it. 'Showing sentences', however, are much more suited to descriptive. It's the difference between writing a story and listing facts.

Telling sentences: "He was cold. He was soaking wet. He was fearful as the hand gripped his shoulder."

Showing sentences: "Water dripped from him like a rainstorm; the icy wind didn't do much to dry him, just keeping him frozen. His teeth were chattering, but not solely from the temperature, as he fear gripped him by the shoulder."

Not a particularly exciting description, but you can see how it betters the telling sentence, right?

Onto the smaller errors:

You shouldn't type in full caps to show enphasis, just italisize the word. It looks kinda sloppy otherwise. ^^

"I am of the Domerii, the caretakers of The Dome." he explained

That period should be a comma. : ]

If the aftertext pertains to speech, (he said, he asked, he yelled, he explained, etc.) then it should be a comma with a lowercase. If it's anything else, it should be a period with a capital.

Fix those up, then you can move onto this assignment:

IC:

"You must be Lafami," Heishuro said with a grin. "I'll be your teacher, Heishuro Maruchi."

Not waiting for a response, he slid past her in the doorway, admiring her room.

"Nice room you got here." Smiling, the fighter lifted one of the weapons off the wall casually. "I remember my dream room--a couple of martial arts magazines and a squashy armchair, hah! I s'pose it's what you're used to."

"Who," Odureg demanded slowly, "are you?"

"I'm your teacher!" the reddened warrior pressed enthusiastically. "Didn't the Domerii-" Stopping mid-sentence, his smile faded. "You were expecting someone a little older, weren't you?"

I could take that as a compliment... he mused, watching her reaction. Just wrap it up and teach her! a mental voice yelled at him.

"Anyway..." Maruchi said, regaining his eagerness. "What do you say we get to work?"

OoC: Okay, that little IC portion was for you to see how Heishuro speaks, because I'd like you to host a conversation between the two.

Assignment: Have Heishuro lead Lafami to a cafeteria, and have them eat lunch. Centre the post around the dialogue, and try and drop in description every once in a while. Heishuro can explain any you'd like to Lafami. 500 word minimum--not that I'm afraid you won't exceed it. End the post with Heishuro telling Lafami to follow him.

Have fun. ^__^