[Power Shot] Exarius' Training

[Xaryus]

Exarius looked up at the mid-night sky, Hair whipped across his face as he looked at the sky from the cliff face he was climbing, He had remembered what had occurred years ago, to his friend how she was treated, Gruesomely beaten by thugs over a few gold coins, The though had sickend him and he barfed on the cliff face, Sweat dripped down his hair and he knew he must not think, he must have a clear mind that his teacher had, to concentrate and clear his mind of each though, each worry. Than, the foot ledge he had been holding on to for the last few minutes had started to crumble. He had seen another a few inches up and as he reached toward it his footing slipped.

Exarius was hanging on with dear life, Clinging onto all that he held dear justice and vigilance against all that he found the strength to pull himself out, Several moments later he was on top of the cliff looking out toward the Sunset, he had almost died, because he wasn’t strong enough, he must get stronger he thought to himself he decided he would go looking for the legendary school of fighting, to get stronger to rid the universe from scum, and villains.

Later that night Exarius had gone to the nearby town for some information, he walked into the bazaar and had asked the bartender if he knew anyone or anything about the Dome of Fighting, he had said that it was in the black forest, The black forest was filled with all sorts of creatures that would flay him alive without a care. Exarius had rented the bed room upstairs for the night.

Exarius had woke up at 0600 and it was still dark outside, He didn’t mind, It was quite and almost no-one was awake, He stayed in his room for about half an hour to plan out his trip. He had figured it would take only a few hours, because the black forest was only 6 miles away, He had set out in his armor if he was going to the Dome though the Black forest he would need to be prepared, as he had left a strange old man had approached him, he wheezed “ I hear your are looking for the dome.” Exarius was dumbstruck, who was this old man and how did he know that I am headed toward the dome
“yes, how did you figure that out”
“I have my sources” he replied “ I have a way to get to the dome safely and quickly”
“You do?”
“Yes, But I want one thing from you.”
“What is it?”
“ To survive, there are too few people alive that think as you do.”
“ How do you know all of this about me?”
“I have my sources, Which I will not tell.”
“Very well, we shall go”

The Old man was intriguing yet there was a certain familiarity with him, that urged Exarius to trust him. They had just approached the ring of trees that was the beginning of the Black forest, The end of many a life, Exarius drew his sword. He had to be prepared, for anything.

Exarius walked into the forest, There was virtually no wind, and the air was stale, Exarius calmly walked foreword, The Old man lead the way and after what had seemed like hours he approached a tall White dome, several hundred meters tall and sever kilometers in diameter.

As he had walked in A gust of wing had blasted him backwards a few feet, a voice had boomed WELCOME

I hope its long enough...

[Power Shot]

Uh...okay. First off, a serious grammar and spelling check is in order. Go back and review this piece and see if you can find the flaws in the grammar and spelling, like missing punctuation and things like that. Oh, and..

“yes, how did you figure that out”
“I have my sources” he replied “ I have a way to get to the dome safely and quickly”
“You do?”
“Yes, But I want one thing from you.”
“What is it?”
“ To survive, there are too few people alive that think as you do.”
“ How do you know all of this about me?”
“I have my sources, Which I will not tell.”
“Very well, we shall go”

You should have an extra space between every time someone speaks. Makes it easier to read.

[Xaryus]

Exarius looked up at the mid-night sky, Hair whipped across his face as he looked at the sky from the cliff face he was climbing, He had remembered what had occurred years ago. Remembering is friend and how she was treated, Gruesomely beaten by thugs over a few gold coins. The thought had sickened him and he barfed on the cliff face, Sweat dripped down his hair and he knew he must not think, he must have a clear mind that his teacher had, to concentrate and clear his mind of each though, each worry. Than, the foot ledge he had been holding on to for the last few minutes had started to crumble. He had seen another a few inches up and as he reached toward it his footing slipped.

Exarius was hanging on with dear life, Clinging onto all that he held dear justice and vigilance against all that he found the strength to pull himself out, Several moments later he was on top of the cliff looking out toward the Sunset, he had almost died, because he wasn’t strong enough, he must get stronger he thought to himself he decided he would go looking for the legendary school of fighting, to get stronger to rid the universe from scum, and villains.

Later that night Exarius had gone to the nearby town for some information, he walked into the bazaar and had asked the bartender if he knew anyone or anything about the Dome of Fighting, he had said that it was in the black forest. The black forest was filled with all sorts of creatures that would flay him alive without a care. Exarius had rented the bed room upstairs for the night.

Exarius had woke up at 0600 and it was still dark outside, He didn’t mind, It was quiet and almost no-one was awake, He stayed in his room for about half an hour to plan out his trip. He had figured it would take only a few hours, because the black forest was only 6 miles away, He had set out in his armor if he was going to the Dome though the Black forest he would need to be prepared, as he had left a strange old man had approached him, he wheezed “I hear your are looking for the dome.”
Exarius was dumbstruck, who was this old man and how did he know that I am headed toward the dome

“yes, how did you figure that out”

“I have my sources” he replied “I have a way to get to the dome safely and quickly”

“You do?”

“Yes, But I want one thing from you.”

“What is it?”

“To survive, there are too few people alive that think as you do.”

“How do you know all of this about me?”

“I have my sources, which I will not tell.”

“Very well, we shall go”

The Old man was intriguing yet there was a certain familiarity with him that urged Exarius to trust him. They had just approached the ring of trees that was the beginning of the Black forest, the end of many a life, Exarius drew his sword. He had to be prepared for anything.

Exarius walked into the forest, There was virtually no wind, and the air was stale, Exarius calmly walked foreword, The Old man lead the way and after what had seemed like hours he approached a tall White dome, several hundred meters tall and sever kilometers in diameter.

As he had walked in through the golden Archways of the Dome a gust of wind had blasted him backwards a few feet, a voice had boomed WELCOME

[Xaryus]

*bump* Anyone care to help. I really could use the help before my round in set in the tournament.

[Power Shot]

Odd, to say the least. I was unaware that the Dome welcomed guests. Your writing requires work on the dialog portions, as you do very little with them. I'd advise adding into the depth of what the character is saying by describing the emotions going through the words. You cannot simply assume you can write what they say and expect the entire message to be conveyed. Description goes beyond the area the post is in.

Assignment Time!

What's this? A voice. Stumble back to your feet, and attempt to enter once more, where you will find a happy little ghost called a Domerii welcoming you in a rather loud fashion. Don't worry, it's simply excited to see you. Because of its happy appearance, it just wants to show you around the Dome. Follow it, you have nothing to fear, to the library. I expect you to expand your dialog skills.

500 words. Mush!