Power Shot's Reality TV Show: Renewed for the Sequel

[Power Shot]

Because this is based off a reality TV show, we need a special place for everyone to see their grades. I should probably explain how I grade, as a simple error could determine the fate of each student. I grade based on the following chart:

1. Spelling and Grammar (this is always checked first, never forget that)
2. Errors (During the first read though, if the wrong word is used, or a phrase doesn't make sense, that could mean the end)
3. Ingenuity and Detail (Does the post interest me? Does it pull me in? Never forget that the most important thing about being a writer is engaging the audience)
4. Fluidity (I want each assignment to make sense. Make sure that, when writing, you always observe whether you like how the story sounds)
5. Enjoyment (Even though this is going to be tough, I want everyone to enjoy themselves. So, when writing, enjoy it, because if you don't enjoy writing something, how do you expect your readers to?)

Each week, on Sundays, at 12:01 AM Central time, the chance to submit ends. All submissions must now be given to me personally by PM to prevent anyone from stealing work from another contestant. They will, however, be posted by me here when grading is done. Critiques, however, will be given via PM, and not posted here, save for small comments and things of that nature.

Submission results will be given via PM's to you, so expect one sometime during Sunday or Monday. After all the assignments are graded, you will be told who will be leaving here in this thread in a post detailing who was removed, why, and give instructions for the next assignment. You are allowed to post here regarding congratulations and, for the weekly loser, the obligatory "Last Words" to the other contestants. No spam will be tolerated here, in this sacred place.

Any further questions may be directed to me via PM. Let us begin!

Week 1: First Assignment!

In order to understand exactly what our character's emotions are, it's very important to see how others see them. Through a letter from the Dark Eye, you have been summoned into town to obtain materials for his experiments. What materials? I don't know, that's up to you. Go to the marketplace and see what your character looks like through someone else's eyes.

Special Information: I'd like you to write this piece as though you were an NPC observing your character. Feel the emotions that emerge for your character through others, and express that through your post. This must also be completed under 1,000 words. Mush!

[Power Shot]

Hello, everyone. Let us begin.

Our first story comes to us from newcomer HitokiriChibi. What did she write, you might ask? Let's find out.

Streets packed with shoppers hurrying from stall to stall, appraising the goods on display as merchants tried to sell them for the highest price. Other costumers hovered in shaded doorways, wary of the midday sun as it beat down from its cloudless perch and taking advantage of their break to have a quick bite before they plunged into the fray once more.

One matronly lady sat between two stalls; the one to her left belonging to her grandson and the other an apothecary run by a wizened crone who dozed until someone’s hands fondled her wares too closely. For old Isabelle it was the same day as any other: helping her daughter’s son in his endeavor to not lose any stock.

As her calm grey eyes scanned the crowd, a scuffle seemed to occur, a knot of people suddenly congesting the path and raising their voices. As she stood up in vain to get a better idea of what was occurring, the voices abruptly stopped; a few people staggering as though confused. Out of the group a lone young woman strode forth quickly, her light blonde hair a beacon in the sun. Isabelle noted with interest that whoever had been around her eased away as they eyed her strangely.

It seemed she had been at the centre of the gathering, for as soon as she had departed, the crowd dispersed. Obviously a woman who could handle herself in a given situation, something which Isabelle looked upon with approval; too many youths these days were becoming feeble minded with no back bone to speak of.

Whatever slightly defiant expression had been on the girls face dissolved slowly, fading into confusion as she glanced around at the surrounding stalls. She slowly made her way forwards, and as she neared Isabelle, a small scrap of paper scrunched into her hands became obvious.

“Dear, you seem a tad lost. Is there something in particular you were after?”

The girl paused, tilting her head quizzically, “Well… yes I’m looking for whoever would be selling dried herbs and things of that ilk…” her voice was sweet but the words were hesitant and confused; Isabelle couldn’t help but think she must be addled of the mind.

“Dear, are you not paying attention? The apothecary is right here, with old Gladys minding the stall. Gladys, you have a customer you old biddy.” Isabelle reached across the space between shops, her walking stick an effective prop to wake Gladys up.

As the crone woke up, Isabelle looked again at the young woman. Her cheeks had become flushed; poor girl must not have known what a pharmacy would like in a town such as this. Her clothing certainly looked as though she were used to finer things in life, or at least grander cities.

“Well, what were you after, girl? Quick, quick, I haven’t all day while you stand around all young and pretty,” Gladys was being harsh, as she always was to the comely youths who came to her stall.

The blonde seemed taken aback, her eyes widening and her cheeks becoming brighter still. Isabelle shook her head at how her earlier assumption seemed to be wrong; whatever backbone she had seemed to have was gone. She looked as though a harsh word had never been spoken towards her in her life.

“Don’t worry, dear,” Isabelle leaned forward and gave a kindly smile, “Gladys is merely jealous of your appearance. The more attractive you are the more bitter she becomes, but at least her prices are fair – though she isn’t herself,” a playful wink accompanied her disclosure but all she received in return was a blank, slightly confused expression, further giving the impression she was a simpleton of sorts.

There was no way for Isabelle to know that the girl she spoke to was merely distracted by the unwarranted pity underlying the old woman’s kind words like a poisonous snake beneath a warm rock.

“Stick your nose into your grandson’s business, not mine you meddlesome woman,” Gladys growled, sending Isabelle a glare from behind oily strands of hair.

“Well, really. How rude…” Isabelle’s words trailed away as the girl stepped closer to Gladys’ bench, her delicate hand holding forth what note she carried.

“I’m only after these items, mistress, if you have them in stock?” The words were calm and abruptly missing of the earlier hesitance. Isabelle sat back in surprise; was her assessment again incorrect? She was well used to being able to discern someone’s character after a few moments but this child kept changing. It was intriguing.

Gladys squinted at the list, her lips muttering before she whirled around and began scooping small piles of ingredients into paper squares, twisting them shut and setting them aside on a bigger square. When it was full, she rolled it into a package then turned back to the girl who stared blankly at the table before her.

“Forty silver. Whatever you’re concocting with this will be very strong, girl. I would hope you know what you’re doing, else someone will have an unpleasant surprise.” Gladys had lost her patronizing attitude, looking at the girl with a mix of respect and suspicion.

Shrugging, the girl handed over a small pouch, “I’m just the blind messenger girl.”

Turning to leave, she glanced at Isabelle with unfailing accuracy, “Best not to judge others without knowing all the details, dear. You’ll only make a fool of yourself.”

Isabelle placed a hand over her heart in shock at hearing her voice leave the blonde’s lips, spoken with such derision and… pity.

“Oh my, someone has managed to silence you. Worth seeing it happen with all the meddling you do,” Gladys cackled as she tidied her shop once more.

~~~~


Calista shook her head as she left the town. First, she was nearly robbed and framed for some other theft and then an old lady pitied her for no reason? That would be last time she did any errands for her teacher in that particular town.

Seems to have most of the things requested, and indeed it does. The problems lie in attention to detail, as there are several issues with grammatical difficulties. You need to make certain that you pay precise attention to detail, to make certain there is no error to divert the reader from being absorbed with the world you create when you write. Keep this in mind. You also violated the word count maximum with 1,001 words, when the instructions clearly demanded less than 1,000.

Our next submission comes to us from the TA Mr.Man. Once again, he has proven how difficult and annoying it is to grade everyone that follows the English tradition of spelling instead of the American. Thank Zeus I have enough practice in it.

It was a busy day in the market. The streets were alive with the chatter of quick-jawed merchants and bartering customers. The aroma of exotic vegetables and delicious fruits was heavy in the air. Sweet scents and vibrant colours coated every stall, drawing in the eyes and noises of curious travellers.

A throng of people was gathered in the open park air. Most were servants and commoners but among them strode giant warriors and magnificent heroes. That had always attracted me to the market more than anything else. It was a chance to watch, listen to and talk with the Dome’s legendary fighters. It was a rare opportunity and not one to be wasted.

My stall looked rather drab, outdone on every level by my neighbours. Technology and its dour, grey facade had little place in the thoughts of the Dome. Everyone seemed obsessed with magic and spells, both of which I had always been very sceptical of.

I was perched on a short wooden stool, surrounded on all sides by my wares, an assortment of beautiful and so unjustly neglected technology. I watched the passing crowds with mild interest, none of them were likely to take interest in my antiques.

A young woman stood out from the dull congregation. She was slender, her form accentuated by an emerald dress that she wore. Her hair was rich auburn, held back by a delicately fashioned clip, two loose strands of hair dangled around her eyes, one of which she pushed carefully back behind her ear as I watched. She was staring at a metallic strip held between her fingers, her hazel eyes flickered intently across its surface. Quite suddenly, she looked up, her head turning from side to side, her eye squinting against the dazzling sunlight. Her gaze met my own, taking me by surprise. I felt my cheeks redden so I quickly broke anyway from the brief contact, pretending to be occupied with a humming computer and keyboard.

A minute passed as I stared blankly at the screen before me, I decided it was probably safe to take another peek. I glanced up from the monitor. The woman was making straight towards me. She looked a bit confused, her eyebrows furrowed slightly. She saw me looking blankly at her. She smiled, this time there was no way to salvage my dignity so I simply smiled back, rather awkwardly I’m sure. I rose a greasy hand in greeting.

“How may I help you, madam?” The hotness in my cheeks lessened. I felt more comfortable now that I was doing something familiar; flattering customers.

“I’m a bit lost.” She smiled again, her eyebrows relaxing. Now that she was close up I could appreciate just how beautiful she really was. “I was hoping you might be able to point me in the right direction.”

“That all depends on where you want go. This here market is a big place. Even I don’t know it all that well.” I scooped by a nearby dashboard and started fiddling with it, hoping it would catch her eye. It was a subtle trick I had picked up over the years.

“Well, I was hoping to find somewhere I could by some unusual items... now where did I put that letter?” Her eyes glanced down at her waist line, searching out a small pocket. Her neck bent as she placed her hand inside, drawing out the thin metal item I had seen her with. She began to unfold it, much like you would a piece of paper. “Here we go! Take a look, I can’t make heads or tails of half of them. They’re all gyro-whatits and objectical-cords.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. She obviously had little experience with technology. “I think you mean optical cords.”

“That’s the one! Do you know where I could get some?” Her face lit up, smiling ear to ear.

“You’re in luck, I happen to have some. They should be lying around her somewhere...” I got up from my stool, ducking behind the counter and tearing up some drawers. I heard some muffled exclamations of relief from above. Finally I found what I was looking for, several feet of optical fibre. “Ah yes, this will do.”

I hauled myself up from the ground, my back was aching. Those damned medicines had done little for it. Not to mention they tasted like ****. I placed the cord on the table, a grunt of pain escaping my lungs.

“Are you alright?” I looked in surprise at the woman’s worried face, customer rarely cared about my health, most of them insisted on having me reaching for the highest items and stretching for the furthest, much to my own discomfort. “Do you need a hand?”

“I already have a perfectly good pair.” I regretted my harsh reply. The woman’s face had changed, her smile turning to a look of pure disappointment. She was a gentle woman that much was clear. She seemed to expect everyone to live up to her morale standards. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for having rebuked her. “I’m sorry, madam. I’m not used to kind strangers.”

“I’ve been told they’re few and far between.” The smile had returned to her face with a new air, a joking, cheeky quality had been added. Her eyes floated down to the cord, “That looks like a pretty fancy piece of equipment. What’s the damage?”

“Thirty gold pieces – but for you – twenty-five.” In all honesty, I hadn’t paid a coin over ten for it.

“Sounds a little pricy.” Her left eyebrow rose. She was sharper than most of my regulars.

“Alright, alright. Twenty it is.” I watched as she pulled out a purse, counting out the twenty coins. She held them out as I passed her the cord. “Don’t tell anyone I gave it to you cheap. Everyone will be wanting discounts.

“I won’t.” She winked, turning her back and consulting her list once more.

Excellent. The grammar and diction is very good, I can actually visualize this conversation taking place. A slight note I would like to make is that, while the NPC is clearly interested in her physically, he really didn’t do much other then feel romantically attached. I’d like to see some wider range of emotions.

Ciroton, also of the English school, has chosen to dazzle me. Let’s see if he succeeded.

Grey, miserable sky hung outside the window, only interrupted by the beads of rain that slowly slid down the glass. Coupled with the harsh gale that blew through the narrow streets, it became apparent that today would be bad for business. Indeed, the only souls that did pass the shop’s large window were all hurrying to their homes to get warm and dry. Ah well, at least I didn’t have to be outside with them.

Throwing my gaze away from the window, down to my watch, I sighed as I saw the time. Not even an hour passed since I came back from lunch, yet it felt more like an eternity. If nobody comes in the next hour, I’m going to ask if I can go home, I thought to myself.

Slowly, the world began to darken near the corners of my eyes, spreading like a disease until everything was black. Sure, I knew that if my boss caught me sleeping, I’d get into trouble, but I didn’t care. The odds of a customer coming to the store in weather like this were, after all, slim to none.

Finally, I escaped from reality into the realm of my dreams. Lying on a beach in a tropical paradise, instead of the dreary, suburban pharmacy. Content with my surrounding, I slowly walked over to the green seas that invited me so. However, before even my toes got wet, a loud, sharp ringing sounded in my ears, waking me from my slumber.

Suddenly, I came to the realization that against the odds; a customer came in to the store. I jumped to my feet and straightened my back as I came face to face with him. The man looked at me with a smile, chuckling quietly to himself in an attempt to hide the fact. My face suddenly became red in embarrassment at the situation. Of all the times to fall asleep.

“It’s okay,” he spoke in a smooth, knowledgeable tone. “I’m a little lethargic on days like this myself.” Maintaining his smile, he looked at me for a split second before his face suddenly turned stony and serious, saying, “Anyway, I was wondering if you had any of these items in stock.” Judging from his tone of voice, I could tell this was not the first place he came to. Obviously, whatever he wanted would prove difficult to find. Pulling a letter out of his pocket, he presented it to me, it’s yellowed parchment smelling of chemicals even I could not identify.

“I’ll see what I can do,” I spoke for the first time in three hours. Turning my back on him, I unfolded the paper and found the list of ingredients, which read,

Contestant,

The first task of the show is for you to gather some specific herbs I will need for an experiment. Gather a Harrlander leaf, five ounces of Corith Mushrooms, and a gallon of Pestidious Incarsarium. Once you have all of these, return immediately.

Chronos.

I read over the list of ingredients again, shocked by some of the items on here, especially the last. I knew we carried all of them, for some strange reason, but I never dreamed someone would need a poisonous mushroom, a disease carrying leaf, or green goo that devoured human fluids. Shaking my head, I said to him, “We have all of those, but they are all First Class Dangerous Materials. I’m afraid I can’t give them to you without a permit.”

With slight annoyance on his face, he reached into his pocket once more, withdrawing the required permits he needed to carry the stuff, showing them to me. I had no choice now but to go into the vault and bring them out. Funny how a boring day can become extraordinary, isn’t it? Turning around, on route to the facility, I head him say, “Is it okay if I come with you?” I could not help but notice all the cheer this man possessed. In my mind, I thought he either had a hard life and covered it up with a cheerful mask, or he was just plain crazy.

Pulling out my key card as I approached the door, I could not help but feel something strange coming from this man. An air of mystery seemed to hang around him like a mist or fog, distorting people’s impressions of him. Punching in the combination after swiping the card, the large steel doors wielded themselves to me, allowing me to open them.

“Please, wait here while I gather all of them,” I said to him. Nodding his head in understanding, I promptly went to work sorting through all the supplies we stored in the vault. Coming to the box marked ‘Harrlander’, I quickly got a pair of gloves and a gas mask from the side wall of the room. Pulling out an airtight bag from a shelf underneath, I placed the leaf in the bag.

I didn’t notice he sneaked up behind me until I felt a hand on my shoulder. Jumping about a foot into the air, I quickly turned myself around to confront him. “Sorry,” he apologized. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” Looking into his eyes, I could tell he genuinely felt sorry, although, I had no idea why he would sneak up behind someone and not expect them to be startled.

The other materials did not require much effort besides immersing the Pestidious Incarsarium in liquid nitrogen to stop it from trying to eat the guy. Stepping out of the vault and over to the counter, the strange man quickly paid for the items. “Thank you very much for all your kind help, miss.” I blushed a bit as he said that; still a little embarrassed from earlier. As he walked away from the counter, back out into the street, I could not help but wonder if I would ever meet a man that enigmatic ever again? I certainly hoped so.

This post is well written, but riddled with problems ranging from grammar to simple carelessness. Awkward wording is abound. You need to read your writing carefully, otherwise you won’t pick up on the little things, and it’s the little things that kill you. Plus, I didn’t feel the same emotional writing that I have felt with others. It felt rather forced, as if added in as an accessory.

Our final piece arrives from the brave Marius. Will he prevail where others have failed? Let’s read on and find out!

She was gorgeous. Not the typical gorgeous of his city, but the exotic outlandish beauty. Strawberry ringlets fell away from an elegant face, seemingly molded out of the finest clay, as was its color. A small drip of water traversed the lower plane of her rounded chin, the woman having drawn a sloppy drink of water but a moment earlier, her white clad form rounding the side of a market stall from a shaded alleyway. The sun now gleamed off of the metals that adorned her form, the bronze set in her hair, and the odd chain-mail strip that so casually hung off of her slim shoulders, ends held in hands that appeared both nimble and worn by the elements, yet still vivid in the scars that adorned them. However, what drew him to watch this one were her eyes. Even from this distance, he could sense the intensity behind such a gaze, the oculars gleaming like the grayest of steel, as if whatever purpose she had came to this place for, the exotic woman intended to complete it.

She was drawing closer, slim feet touching the cobblestones lightly, peeking from the edge of the billowy cotton robe that adorned her apparently slim figure. It was almost as if this woman had trouble touching the ground her gait was so light, as if she were barely in this realm, like she was being pulled to the sky. Her gait was interrupted for a moment, her almond shaped eyes scanning the market stall of an older merchant; her face took on an almost sour look, either the old man had said something revolting, or that was the way that the strange woman displayed her disappointment. She moved on swiftly, elegant form once again seeming to float through the market, fiery mane trailing behind her, her movement was so swift.

She was so close to him now, he could smell her. An exotic spice or perfume seemed to radiate from her, like that of the Gorgon Blossom, yet more rustic, and musky, with a tinge of sweet underneath. Her scent reminded him of a childhood venture he had taken once with his uncle, to the far off desert on the eastern continent. They had stopped for the night next to an oasis, and a flash rainstorm had poured all night before being burned away by the sun. In the morning, their whole camp had been surrounded by the most beautiful and fragrant flowers he had ever seen or smelled. That smell was similar to that which he scented now. She was almost touching him now, stopped now at the stall he himself was standing in front of.

The outlandish woman parted her outer-garment, revealing a tight fitting yet thin black dress under the white robe. From a purse at her side, she gathered a small handful of gemstones. Her gray eyes peered into the face of the young merchant across the counter from her, plump lips parted slightly, he was close enough to smell her mint tinged breath, and see the cracked flesh from too much heat exposure on the delicate skin of her mouth.

“Will you accept my currency?” She asked the other man, her voice was like a heavy bell in the clamor of the market, audible to him above all of it. Lines appeared around her mouth in the mocha skin, lids narrowing her intense gaze that seemed to grow hotter by the moment. It was obvious to him that this woman was signaling to the merchant that he better take her currency, there was something apprehensive about her demeanor under toning that look, but he could not figure out what.

“Of course my fair madam,” replied the shop keep, his voice laced with apprehension.

“Then I shall take that,” she pointed to a larger sized herb, and then pulled out a parchment from under her outer clothing. She consulted it briefly, her visage strained as the woman tried to concentrate on the sheet in front of her, gray eyes dull in the half light afforded by the veil of her hair. “I will also take that, and that,” she finished, pointing to an amulet and a shrub respectively.

The shop keep picked up the various items, and held out his hand. With woman extended her handful of Rupees, and dropped them in his hand, the merchant, upon close examination of the jewels, smiled deeply, for in his city, those were not currency. What an odd woman. He then gave the items to the woman swiftly, and went to his cart.

Then the woman was gone, he almost caught she said, something about an Eye. But as the street scum turned around, the radiant foreign woman was no longer there.

Magnificent. I will say nothing more. This is my favorite, by far.

And now, the time has come. Before we leave, I will say salutations to all the Contestants, though there was a small amount of you this time, which saddens me slightly. Now, the person that will be leaving us will be Ciroton. The reason being the fact that you, Ciroton, failed to captivate me with emotion. Instead, you offered me logic which, while nice, was not necessary. I also disliked that it took you so long and did so little to express the NPC’s emotions towards your character.

Now, for the rest of you…

Week 2: Second Assignment!

It’s time to see something different. Today your character is going on into the world again, this time to a museum. Why a museum? Because it’s very important for your character to understand how they perceive the world. As you walk through the museum, discover the emotions your character has towards different pieces of art, any kind at all. Eventually, your character will find the Dark Eye in one of the rooms. Talk to him, speak to him of the art. See what he has to say, as your view of him might change how you perceive what he says. He will leave with you.

Special Information: As you might have guessed, I want writing that moves me. There is no word count this time, so feel free to stretch your creative limbs to the limit. Special attention needs to be taken to the Guest Character, as Chronos is well-known for his ability to fight, but not often his analytical view of the world, which allows you to compare your artistic view to his rational mind.

One week! Mush!