[Safer] Rethir Longslash's Training

[Nittles]

Rethir gripped his sword hilt. It was plunged about halfway into the mountain snow. He was on his way to see the Gorons, to see if they had any clues to the mysterious boy's whereabouts, when an avalanche had blocked the path to Snowhead. He had to go another way, so here he was, hanging thousands of feet in the air, with only three and a half feet of steel plunged into snow to keep him from falling to his death. He swung himself up so he was standing on the sword hilt, then, with an expert flick of his foot, he both pushed off into a jump, and sent the sword sailing up in the air. He landed on a small ledge, with his sword next to him.

After resting for a little bit, he stood up and prepared to finish the climb. As he stood up, an arrow thudded into the snow next to him. He peered up the mountain, and spotted a Bulbin Archer standing on a shet of ice. He had delt with something like this before, and it was always fun. He sheathed his sword, which magically shortened when in the scabbard, then allowed his natural electric current to flow through his body. It didn't create a field, like it did underwater, but his body was electrified. He thrust his hand into the snow, and it melted away as it was electrified. The charge spead, until it hit the Archer's ledge, which melted away. Leting out a scream of dispair, the Archer dropped out of sight.

Rethir turned his attention to the place where he had thrust his hand. Behind the snow, there was a door, and what a door it was! A magnificently carved, solid oak door. It seemed to call to him. He opened it and stepped inside. Behind him, the door faded out of existence, but he did not notice. He gazed in wonder at the huge space before him. Then he spotted a human, leaning on a sword. "Welcome to the Dome," were the first words Rethir heard in a new chapter of his life.

[Safer]

Welcome to the Intermediate Class. Before we move on, I want you to go back through there and check all your spelling and grammar issues. Let me know when you have done this.

[Nittles]

OK, I fixed them. There wern't all that many.

[Safer]

Very good. I want you to do that on every assignment you receive before posting it. As for the next lesson, have a Domerii appear before your character and take him to his room. The Domerii are the butlers of the Dome--they're about 5'2 with pale skin. Describe the dome as best you can, and then your room when you reach it. End your post there.

[Nittles]

The human spoke again, "These are the Domerii," he motioned to several creatures standing on either side of him. "They will take you to your room." One of the Domerii stepped forward. He was humanoid, about five feet tall, and his skin was very pale. He wore a blank, staring expression, and he blinked too little to be human. Something about the Domerii made Rethir uncomfortable. When he spoke, it was a flat, emotionless monotone. "Follow me, sir." He started to walk off. The human called to Rethir, "I'll be watching you. My name is Orysius. Orysius Solian."

Although a million questions were flashing through Rethir's mind, he still took the time to enjoy the views about him. The vast, open space he had met Orysuis in was filled with plant life of every kind, trees, shrubs, and beautiful blooming flowers. Some he recognized, like the Deku Babas he saw hidden in the denser parts, and some he didn't, like a strange plant that would uproot itself, "walk" on its roots to a sunnier spot, and replant itself. Then they went into a long corridor, with many doors on either side. Rethir could hear the sounds of battle on the other side of them. Then they came to another open space, bigger than the first, and Rethir gasped in wonderment. Before him stood a huge lake, filled with all kinds of sea life. There was a steel bridge across the lake, and then another corridor, this one quiet. The Domerii opened a door. "Your room, sir" it said, in its flat emotionless voice. Then it walked off.

The door itself had his name carved on it, posing another question to add to his growing collection. He opened the door. Not a sound was made by its well oiled hinges, and Rethir gasped as he saw before him a lavish Zora dwelling. The room had no corners, just a natural-looking ovoid shape, and everything was shades of blue. There was a table in the center, and a guitar stand in the back. He walked over to it, and drew out his fishbone guitar. It fitted perfectly. Next to the stand was a pool of stagnant water, perfect for sleeping in. He looked in, and found that it was deep enough to sleep vertically in, the preferred method for Zoras. There were several other doors, labeled "Lake," "Forest," "Volcano" and the like. Rethir realized it wouldn't be so bad here.

[Safer]

Very good! You painted an excellent mental picture for me. Your dialogue format also seems good, but I'd like to be certain. So, in the next lesson, have Rethir get hungry and leave his room in search of one of the Dome's cafeterias. When he finds it, have him get his food and sit down. As he is eating, a big, burly man will ask if he can sit with him; Rethir should comply. The man should talk a bit to Rethir about anything you care to speak of. Keep in mind, he doesn't know what Zoras are. His personality is up to you. Also, be sure that the conversation is the bulk of the post. Don't spend 75% of the post with Rethir looking for the cafeteria.

[Nittles]

Rethir's stomach growled. He lifted himself out of the pool, and scanned the doors. There were none labeled "Cafeteria." He sighed and was about to leave and look for a Domerii, when he noticed a button next to the door, labeled "Service." He pressed the button, and instantly, almost as if it had been waiting, a Domerii pushed open the deep blue door.
"Yes, sir?" it said in its flat monotone.
"I want something to eat. Is there a cafeteria around here?"
"Yes, sir. Please follow me."

A short walk followed, and two minutes later, Rethir was standing in the line for some food. He stepped up to the counter.
"What would you like, sir?" a Domerii almost identical to the one that had shown him here droned. "Just a fish, any kind." Rethir said, overwhelmed by the size of the room, and the noise and activity. He had never been anywhere like it.

He sat down at one of the long tables with his plate. He picked up the fish with his bare hands, and tore ravenously into it, spitting out bones as he went. A shadow fell across him, and he glanced up to see a man who looked like he broke people in two just for fun.
"Mind if I sit here?" he said, his voice as tough as he looked.
"It's a free...umm...inter-dimensional structure, isn't it?" The man sat down. He spoke again, as he bit into a whole steak.
"If you don't mind me asking, what the heck are you?"
"I'm a Zora. And don't make any smart comments about a fish-man eating fish."
"I wasn't about to. So tell me. Where do Zoras come from?"
"You've heard of Hyrule right? Well we come from that dimension, and its mirror, Termina, where I come from."
"So, what do they call you?"
"Rethir."
"Thomas." He reached across the table. Rethir grabbed his hand and shook it. He had a grip like an iron vise. Rethir pulled his hand back and massaged it gently.
"What are you doing in the Dome, Rethir?" Thomas asked through a mouthful of steak. Rethir spat out a bone.
"To make a long story short, I'm looking for a kid to buy a mask off of him."
"Interesting. I'm always looking for a good fight, so I came here." He stood up, and swallowed the last of his steak.
"See you around, Rethir!" he called. Rethir gulped down the last of his fish.
"Farewell, Thomas!" he called to the retreating figure.

[Kitsuné]

Hello, Nittles. ^__^ I'm Safer's TA, Kitsuné (how poetic...) Don't worry, I'll be gentle. :3

That was a nice post. The conversation was realistic, casual and balanced. You also didn't get trap yourself between description and dialogue.

The first thing I want to work on is your formatting. There's not much really wrong with it--but it could improved.

Example; instead of:

"Damn it!" Heishuro cursed.
"What's wrong? Did you fall?" Taki shouted with concern.
"I was tripped!"
"Right... let's go, Heishuro."
"But..."
"Now."

It should be:

"Damn it!" Heishuro cursed.

"What's wrong?" Taki shouted with concern. "Did you fall?"

"I was tripped!" The fighter raised his eyebrows in innocence.

Sighing, she replied, "Right... let's go, Heishuro."

"But..." Maruchi began.

"Now." She commanded.

You should try to describe the text each time with an appropriate after-text, but that's not vital at the moment. I also split the lines up, to make it easier on the eyes.

Don't worry, you don't have to edit that. Just try and keep it in mind for later. ^^

IC: Man, this is gonna be harder than I thought, Heishuro thought to himself as his eyes widened. There were hundreds of people in the cafeteria. Sure, looking for a man resembling a fish isn't exactly finding the ol' needle in a haystack--but with all the people in the Dome, it wasn't much better.

"When I asked Orysius for something a little bit different..." The elementalist trailed off mid-setence. "Anyway, it'll be good."

Today would be different; Maruchi was going to be teaching combat to one of the Dome 'newbies', as he liked to call them. Rethir Longslash, a fishman--as a Domerii has put it--was to be his protégé.

"Rethir...?" Heishuro had reached a blue creature--whom Maruchi was sure was Longslash.

"Yes?" Rethir spun around.

"I'm Heishuro Maruchi," he spoke proudly. "Orysius has asked me to lookover you for a while."

OoC: Okay, so now that Rethir has met his new teacher; have Heishuro walk him out of the cafeteria. Maintain a fluid conversation during this and, like before, centre the post around the dialogue. Have Heishuro explain whatever you'd like Rethir to know--save what he'll be doing next.

End your post at a door, with the pair both about to enter.

PM me if you have any questions or concerns. ^__^

[Nittles]

Rethir took a last bite of his fish and stood up with the human.

"Pleased to meet you," the Zora said cordially, and offered a webbed hand to Heishuro.

"Ditto," the other responded as he grabbed the aquatic humanoid's hand and shook it.

"Please follow me," he said and turned on his heel. Rethir walked after him as he strode out of the cafeteria and into the maze of corridors. Rethir caught up and matched his pace to the human's.

"So, how did my room end up here?"

"No one really knows."

"What about the people who built this place?"

"Presumably they died out long ago, and we don't even know if it was built, or created."

"Created by what?"

"Once again..."

"No one knows."

"Exactly."

They arrived at a large ornate door, and paused, as Rethir looked at it.

[Kitsuné]

Okay, in real life--one wouldn't speak every sentence in the same tone, would they? To the contrary, they'd change their tone mid-sentence frequently, to enphasise their emotions. So in your next assignment, I'd like you to add some after-text to nearly all individual pieces of dialogue.

I have no queries with you post, save the length--so your next assignment will have a 400 word minimum. I won't mind if you fall a couple of words short, but try to exceed that count.

Assignment time: Rethir enters the room alone, whilst Heishuro has a Domerii wait for Longslash outside, whilst Heishuro has business to attend to. Upon entering the room, Rethir notices his vivid shadow tailing him on all four walls--despite it being a plain room with a dim light. With warning, all four shadows leap from the walls and attack! They aren't particularly strong, but they can withstand a lot of damage before diminishing back to darkness. Have Rethir defeat them all, then exit the room.

I'd like to fit a bit of dialogue to the beginning of this post, and then describe the following battle vividly. ^__^ Have fun.