[Safer] Luna Palemoon's Training

[Luna]

Luna looked up at the ancient Dome filling the sky.
"What the...?" she said as Bliza nickered at her side. She had explored Hyrule many times, and the Gerudo Desert was no exception. The vast desert stretched on for miles, but she would have seen something as vast as the dome. Why have I never seen this before?Luna thought. "It okay girl..." she said as she patted the white mare's neck, "...I'm sure it's abandoned. It doesn't seem...." Luna trailed off as she heard the clanging of swords and shouts from inside. "Or maybe not..." she muttered, heading over the massive sand dunes toward the Dome. She stopped at the gaping stone entrance, looking at the large engraving at the top.

"THOSE WHO PASS HERE MUST BE WILLING TO GIVE EVERYTHING" it said in large stone marks.

"Looks like some kind of training center," she whispered as she took in the size of the dome. "Lets go in. There might be some things I could learn here." Luna walked into the large stone archway, not knowing what she would find inside.

[Safer]

Welcome to the Beginner Class.

Before you go on, I want you to go back in there and check your spelling and grammar errors. Make sure every word is spelled right, and that your grammar is up to speed. One thing you should watch out for is periods at the ends of sentences. Your dialogue format seems better than the other things, though. Just be sure to start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks.

EDIT: Upon closer inspection, I have found that your post lacks length and body. This is more or less the most common beginner problem, but it's also one of the more easier ones to remedy. All you have to do to lengthen your post a bit is describe things. Instead of hopping from key point to key point, describe what the area around your character looks like, what he's thinking, or other things similar to that. Anything to fill in the gaps between those key events will help you fill out that post.

[Kitsuné]

Hello, Luna. I'll be teaching you for a short while.

Assignment: Luna will enter the Dome into a large reception, a receptionist telling her to wait for her teacher. Describe the room she is in vividly; it can be anything she wants it to be. End the post with a man dressed in red approaching her with a grin. 250 word minimum.

(Don't stress too much over the word minimum, it's just a guideline; you should, however, aim to reach/exceed it.)

Have fun. :3

~Kitsuné~

[Luna]

Luna walked into the dome, entering a large room with high arches depicting battle scenes from Hyrule's past on them. Even the large marble walls were covered in the ornate carvings. Soldiers clashed on granite battlefields, while large dragons swooped down from above, unleashing a torrent of flames on the unsuspecting troops. In another scene, Zora's and Gorons seemed to be fighting. It was strange, but Luna had never known any battle that had happened between the Zoras and Gorons. On the ceiling was the grandest carving of all, depicting the creation of Hyrule and the Triforce. It showed Din molding the land into being, Nayru giving law to the land, and Farore breathing life into the inhabitants of Hyrule. A gleaming Triforce made of what looked like solid gold stood at the pinnacle of the roof, a small window letting in light at the center of the Triforce.
Luna walked to the center of the room, where a large circular reception desk stood. Large rolls of parchment lay on the desk, with massive inkwells holding them down. A silver bell stood on the desk, with a sign behind it reading
Ring Bell for Assistance
in large letters.
Luna tapped the bell. GONG! She jumped at the tremendous noise made from the tiny thing. She stared at it, trying to figure out what had made such a loud sound, when she heard footsteps echoing down one of the long hallways. A short man in a red suit shuffled behind the desk.

"Hallo! My names Stephan! I am the receptionist here!" he beamed. "Are you waiting on a teacher..?"

Luna stuttered. "I... I don't..."

"Oh of course you are!" he interrupted. "I'll just be a moment and see if I can find you a free one!" said Stephan as he scurried of leaving Luna standing in the hallway alone.

[P.]

Sorry to push you from teacher to teacher, but I've now been assigned as a TA, and will be teaching you for some length of time.

I've put a number at the start of every paragraph, and will, below, address them in order.

Originally Posted by Luna

1. Luna walked into the dome, entering a large room with high arches depicting battle scenes from Hyrule's past on them. Even the large marble walls were covered in the ornate carvings. Soldiers clashed on granite battlefields, while large dragons swooped down from above, unleashing a torrent of flames on the unsuspecting troops. In another scene, Zora's and Gorons seemed to be fighting. It was strange, but Luna had never known any battle that had happened between the Zoras and Gorons. On the ceiling was the grandest carving of all, depicting the creation of Hyrule and the Triforce. It showed Din molding the land into being, Nayru giving law to the land, and Farore breathing life into the inhabitants of Hyrule. A gleaming Triforce made of what looked like solid gold stood at the pinnacle of the roof, a small window letting in light at the center of the Triforce.
2. Luna walked to the center of the room, where a large circular reception desk stood. Large rolls of parchment lay on the desk, with massive inkwells holding them down. A silver bell stood on the desk, with a sign behind it reading
Ring Bell for Assistance
in large letters.
3. Luna tapped the bell. GONG! She jumped at the tremendous noise made from the tiny thing. She stared at it, trying to figure out what had made such a loud sound, when she heard footsteps echoing down one of the long hallways. A short man in a red suit shuffled behind the desk.

4. "Hallo! My names Stephan! I am the receptionist here!" he beamed. "Are you waiting on a teacher..?"

5. Luna stuttered. "I... I don't..."

6. "Oh of course you are!" he interrupted. "I'll just be a moment and see if I can find you a free one!" said Stephan as he scurried of leaving Luna standing in the hallway alone.

1. Firstly, I'd like you to replace the first period with a semicolon (;); They're very handy, so I shall tell you all about them in a neat little paragraph:

Semicolons represent a space between words of length and continuation somewhere between that of a period or comma. They should be used when the writer wishes to show some importance of attachment between two sentences, or when the abruptness of a period is not adequate (There are many other uses of them, but you will learn of these later; they are very advanced forms of punctuation and shouldn't be abused). Use them sparingly, and use them well.

Change the "but" in "It was strange, but Luna had never known any battle that had happened between the Zoras and Gorons" with "for" or "because".

Also, make sure you press "enter/return" twice, adding an extra line between your paragraphs, for it makes them less cluttered.

2. *

3. *

4 - 6. This dialogue is fine, except that "he interrupted" should be placed at the start of the last line - not for any particular grammatical purpose, it's just that it may cause some confusion and, in my eyes, looks better (be sure to replace the period with a comma and to join the the gap that the description is in).

*Showing Sentences: This is my favourite part, something I learned from Safer long ago. In the marked paragraphs, I would like you to fiddle with them and add some "showing sentences" to the marked paragraphs. What are "showing sentences", you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

A showing sentence is one were you SHOW the reader what you mean, not TELL them. Here is an example: "There were clouds in the sky." <--- TELLing sentence. It simply TELLs the reader what happened.
"The sky was crammed with bulbous, sullen clouds heavy with rain." <--- SHOWing sentence. The description used allows the reader to form an image in their mind as vivid as possible.

That being said, 'tis assignment time!

Assignment: have my character, Timaeus, meet Luna at the desk. He will tell her to find the darkness, and then leave.

End the post at a white, metal, handle-less door with the teacher's name on it (Timaeus, if you don't know what Timaeus' name is).

300 word minimum.