[ Altamira ] Bijou's Training

[brokenjoker]

Bijou stood still in her wake. Nothing was sound. Nothing was sight. She felt herself breath but whether or not it stood as real was in the questioning. She was dark. All was nocturnal. She breathed out again and this time colour crawled over, like a slow spider on its web. It seemed to puss out of pours and spread itself across a canvas, like paint. Bijou gasped and landed on all fours, wheezing and panting leaving her throat hoarse.

You must protect. Sacrifice. Commit.

The voice screeched from all corners of the room and that resulted in Bijou on her back grasping her head with her hands. Her eyebrows stitched together in pain and her eyes shut, watering with agony. Discomfort crawled across her skin and sweat shined in crystal like beads. She was hurting.

Protect. Defend. Guard. Keep.

Finally the voice soothed away like a last breath through her aching body and she finally found her bittersweet relief. Her arms fell to her sides, lassitude. Her legs throbbed with exhaustion, and her eyes fluttered taking in no recognition of her surroundings. Her hair was in a clumpy mess smelling bad of perspire. Her chest violently inhaled and exhaled and her senses were finally running dry of strength.

“…W… why?” Bijou breathed through a dry and scratchy throat, “Why… does this… always… happen?”

Bijou’s eyes rolled around, her head felt light. She slowly pushed herself unto her elbows and breathed slowly, trying to control her wild heart. She managed to sit down before gravity began to fight her again. She remained still, her head bent between her knees. This way, nothing could happen to her.

What a dream that was! She had many, but the kinds like these were few and far between; the kind that would leave her in a mess on the floor when she woke up. They were all about the same thing, the same message: Protect. Protect, what? The questions and mysteries probed at Bijou’s mind nightly as she lay awake, afraid to go to sleep, in fear of what she might dream. Her dreams, or nightmares rather, controlled her, and the consequences were excruciating. Something or someone was telling Bijou that she needed to find out that mystery quickly, or else the dreams would worsen leaving her in a horrendous state. She longed for an answer, but couldn’t stick around a place long enough to even get a start on one.

“What am I?” Bijou asked herself, “Why am I special?”

Bijou raised her head, and her crimson green eyes shone in the morning sun. Her long black curls were glued to the sides of her face with sweat, and hung over her shoulders in a detached manner. Her normal mocha coloured skin was now turning a pallid complexion. Her health was ailing. As strong as she was, her body couldn’t take much more of this.

“I need to get up.” Bijou told herself, “I need to move.”

Bijou’s blood rushed at the first attempt to move a muscle, sending her head into a fit of weariness. She caught herself, however, and was slowly starting to scale up the wall, using most of her upper body strength. She stood momentarily with her head back, resting a bit further. She couldn’t do it. Not this time.

You are a Hylian. You must move.

The voice came rather abrupt, and Bijou’s eyes flourished with life. Where the new found strength came from, she did not know, it was even more the mystery than the voices. She wasn’t complaining, because instead of sending her to her knees, Bijou found herself with one foot stepping in front of the other. A wave of supremacy came over her, and she could soon feel life and might coming into her body tissue, like a parched throat reviving with cool water.

“Hylian?” Bijou inquired, “but, what is that?”

Bijou’s question floated into the atmosphere unanswered. She had to find it out some other way.

Bijou wiped her brow and gradually made her way towards… somewhere.


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OOC: Don't grade yet, I'm not done the beginning story.

[brokenjoker]

Seven years ago…

“Destiny, we can’t stay here for very much longer!” a male voice roared, “They’ll find us, and then what?”

“They wouldn’t hurt us!” a small female voice pleaded, “We are one of them.”

“Half of them, Destiny!” The male voice roared in rage, but soothed down into a hush “Half of them.”

“Yes, I know that, Tai” Destiny’s small voice was barely audible, “But as long as we have some of their blood.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Tai snapped, his voice toning down a few notches, “We’re leaving in the morning.”

A sound reverberated like something falling over, a dull thud, and then a door creaked open and closed. Silence. For several moments nothing could be heard, until a small sob broke the stillness. Destiny, whoever she was, muffled sobs that remained steady. However the sobs began to amplify, and was soon followed by a stench of smolder, and ash. It was fire. It roared up like an untamed beast and ate the scene like it was a picture. It soon dissolved and nothing else remained except the chaos of flames, blending bright colours and intense heat. No screams, just a cry of a child, stifled and distant.

Bijou’s eyelids were heavy as they strained to open, the surroundings of a forest in a fuzzy depiction. It was a cool night and the forest breathed as the wind softly brushed the tree leaves and carried the sounds and howls of the early morning creatures. It soothed Bijou as she lay awake, her dream fresh in her mind. When will they stop? She wondered in her head, which felt strangely like it was a radio giving off a faulty signal. She would close her eyes and see a mess of gray and black blurry dots; the normal penalty of dreaming. She on no account woke up any differently, yet on no account woke up the same.

The sky was dissolving into a light blue, meaning the sun was soon to rise. Bijou had situated herself under a Great Oak Tree for her nights rest. As she stood up her neck ached, but that was uniform. She stretched, blood quickly rushing through her body, she breathed and by doing so initiated her daily energy. She began on her way, the forest bidding her farewell as she left it behind. Other lands, other forests to claim a goodnights rest.

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OoC: Don't grade yet. I'll be ready with the next post though. ^_^

[brokenjoker]

Present Day..


Bijou kicked up dust as she walked. There was a village in the distant and Bijou could see its warm light glowing, blending with the night sky. The dust went up in tiny clouds and quickly blew into the soft wind. It was a warm night, and Bijou could hear the roar of laughter, the jamboree of sounds, and the trample of feet as they moved to the music. It had been quite some time since Bijou last conversant with another human and she was looking forward to the interaction; she had missed the company of others.

She fingered some coins that were in her pockets, pondering what she’d make a purchase of. She thought she would just buy a few drinks, throw up a conversation with someone at the pub and walk away, leaving satisfied yet still clothed in mystery. She stopped just on the outskirts of the town, looking in. People of every unique style adorned the streets. Every door to every building was opened and there, could be found a ring of brothers, talking up a storm with a mug of ale held carelessly in their hands. Bijou smiled as she continued, passerby’s gently knocking into her shoulders.

She passed a gathering of townsfolk that were all caught up in a routine dance. Their laughter caused them to double over, messing up their steps. Ale was tipping out of glasses, and ladies fell swiftly into their partners’ arms. The bunch of them seemed to be enjoying themselves; there was even couples sharing blissful kisses under the moonlight.

Bijou smirked, “I need to come around here more often.”

As Bijou came to a stop in front of a pub the ground felt a little funny. She brushed it away, thinking it was only the steps of the dancers, but as she climbed the stairs she picked up on a weird change in the noises that were all around here. The laughter that was once there was beginning to dim down and be replaced by what sounded like hooves pounding on ground. Horses were coming.

Bijou turned around and her eyes focused on a herd of horses galloping towards the village. It started as a bubbling silhouette but soon the cumbersome bodies broke through the blackness and were on full speed, nostrils flared, headed straight for them. Bijou’s festive mood quickly broke away and the villagers started sounding more alarmed, running in their homes, as doors started closing rapidly.

“What’s going on now?” Bijou asked herself, standing her ground.

With a rough estimate Bijou figured there were no more than twenty five horses making their way towards the city in what seemed to be a murderous approach. She wasn’t going to run. She’d had plenty of practice with taming a wild horse, and this time didn’t intimidate her any differently. She moved quickly and soon picked it up into a run; running to meet the creatures.

As she approached her head filled with the sounds of their yells. They were alarmed and some of them even started kicking up their front legs in defense. When Bijou was close enough she grabbed the mane of the closet horse and nimbly pulled herself atop; she needed to slow them down. She used her heel and kicked both sides of the horse and it responded, a little skeptical at first. She rode it into the center of the cluster and nothing else was on her mind other then to slow the beasts down. She needed to pick up speed. She needed to get ahead and lead them. She pushed her horse gaining some room between her and the herd. The village blurred passed her as she continued riding. She closed her eyes expecting to hear the splintering of wood and screams of alarm, but nothing came. She opened her eyes quickly and looked behind her. The horses were following her. She was the leader.

The horses and herself flew out of the egress, like a finish line. She didn’t stop, she needed to get them as far away as she could. She did slow down some but the rhythm of their galloping stayed steady and swift. She rode towards the moon and felt like she wouldn’t stop until she touched it. It looks like the ale and good talk would have to wait until next time she was around. This always seemed to happen. Just when she was about to enjoy something, another thing would arise and be a requiem for her dreams.

Bijou didn’t know how long it was, but her mind was dragging before she released something in the distant. It was a silhouette in the night but as the moon shone down on it she realized she’d be making a quicker stop than anticipated.

She stopped her horse, and with that, the others stopped as well. She didn’t want to bring them to close, so she decided to let them go here. She smacked the bottom of the horse she was riding and sent it in the right direction. She’d walk the rest of the way. She was having a dejavu, seeing how it hadn’t been that long since she was last approaching a village. However, this wasn’t a village. It was much bigger. It looked important, and she realized how important it was the closer she came.

“The Dome?” Bijou questioned, “What’s a place like this doing in a… place like this?”


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OoC: Alrighty! I'm ready for grading.

[Altamira]

I've decided to assign you to my assistant, Awkin, who should attend to your thread as soon as he can. ^__^

Have fun writing! *skips off*

[Awkin]

Hallo there! I'm Awkin, sorry I took so long about this ^^;.

Riiiighty-ho then, let's see what we have here...

Bijou stood still in her wake. Nothing was sound. Nothing was sight. She felt herself breath but whether or not it stood as real was in the questioning. She was dark. All was nocturnal. She breathed out again and this time colour crawled over, like a slow spider on its web. It seemed to puss out of pours and spread itself across a canvas, like paint. Bijou gasped and landed on all fours, wheezing and panting leaving her throat hoarse.

IN some ways, this is a mess. But at least it's an artistic one -- I like how the odd verbs and metaphors start you off on an unsure footing.

Something small, though -- it should be 'breathe' and not 'breath' - the first being the verb and the second a noun. It'd be like saying 'The man went run.' -- when it should be running.

Her eyebrows stitched together in pain and her eyes shut, watering with agony.

Here we need a tense thingummy. This sentence doesn't fit so well because it lacks a tense-specific phrase, such as 'was', 'is' or 'will be' -- it could be anywhere: it drifts. I'm looking for a word that gives me that information and it's not there. Could you add one, please?

Discomfort crawled across her skin and sweat shined in crystal like beads. She was hurting.

I'd hyphenate 'crystal' and 'like' to make it read more naturally.

I've looked over the rest of your work and these are re-occurring problems, double-subjecting and suchlike (I know I'm techno-babbling, please bear with me).

I'd just like you to read over your work out loud, maybe to a friend, or get them to read it to you. And I'd like you to find all those niggly things in sentences that don't quite fit as well as they could do, and iron them out -- alright?

Because this is excellent stuff. A fantastic vocabulary and a brilliant use of language -- I'd like to make it so it flows. And to do this, I think you have to... take a good look yourself and see if you think you're making any mistakes. If you think you're not, then say so.

Okay?