[Altamira] Xavier's Training

[Hippo Cloud]

OoC: Here it is. (did I do the OoC thing right?)

IC: “What are you doing?”

Xavier didn’t say anything, instead he chose to yawn and begin walk away, and decided to ignore the shouts coming from the enraged man he had tried to steal from. He brushed off the curses and threats being thrown at him as he leaped onto a nearby merchant stall and then onto the roof of the building it was next to. He tried to ignore the heavy footsteps and shouts from the guards as he leapt across rooftops. Xavier knew he wouldn’t be able to run forever, but he also knew that the guards and their heavy metal armor and weapons would never be able to catch him.

The young man ran for hours before he was sure that he was going to be safe from anyone who would be chasing him. He slowed his pace, began walking down the dirt path he found himself on and eventually came across a small hut. If Xavier had questioned why a hut would be in the middle of a dirt road then perhaps he wouldn’t have entered it... of course, he didn’t think of what could happen to him and within seconds of discovering the cabin he had broken in.

Following a fruitless investigation of the inside of the abandoned hovel for things to eat or take he decided to sit down and relax, his day had been too hectic for his liking. Xavier found a comfortable looking chair sitting in the far left corner of the room and sat down on it. The chair was comfortable enough, and Xavier soon found himself emitting a yawn that would change his life forever. You see, if he had not yawned then he would have heard the small series of clicking sounds and recognized it as the telltale sign of a mechanical trapdoor. Unfortunately for him, his yawn covered up that sound, and as a result he did not expect to fall through a hidden hole in the floor. And he certainly didn’t expect to hit his head when he landed.

When he came to, Xavier found himself in a nondescript white room. He stood up and rubbed his head on the spot that he landed on and found that a lump was forming.

“Where am I?” Xavier mumbled.

If Xavier had seen the third party view of the actions that led up to his current situation he may have found it amusing. He may have laughed a bit by the fact that all of these things could have been avoided if he was just slightly more stealthy, or if his target was just a little less aware of his surroundings. It is funny how life works that way sometimes, unless you are Xavier of course.

[Altamira]

I've decided to assign you to my assistant, Awkin, who should attend to your thread as soon as he can. ^__^

Have fun writing! *skips off*

[Awkin]

...Boo!

Sorry I took so long getting to this, won't happen again my good sir! ^__^

Xavier didn’t say anything, instead he chose to yawn and begin walk away. He chose to ignore the shouts coming from the enraged man he had tried to steal from, and he ignored the curses being thrown at him as he leaped onto a nearby merchant stall and then onto the roof of the building it was next to.

A bit of repitition there, it's good practice not to repeat the same word more than once in the same chunk of text, it makes things flow not-so-smoothly.

If you were to change one of those 'chose' to decided, and one of thise 'ignores' to something else too, I think the whole first sentence would flow that much better.

Something I will enunciate -- please read everything you write out loud, and see if it fits. When you're writing, you're converting these ideas into sounds, grunts -- that other people may pick up differently than you do. If you make it read like you speak, it should translate as something much more like what you want it to.

He tried to ignore the heavy footsteps and shouts from the guards as he leaped across rooftops.

Niggly little point here -- it should either be 'leaped across the rooftops' or 'leapt across rooftops' -- I think it's to do with how many rooftops there are, you're mixing the singular and plural endings.

English is a funny old language =P.

He slowed his pace and began walking down the dirt path he found himself on, and eventually came across a small hut.

I'd shorten this to:

He slowed his pace, began walking down the dirt path he found himself on and eventually came across a small hut.

By replacing the first 'and' with a comma, I can get rid of the comma in the second part of the sentence. I'm not sure why this is done -- but punctuation's like a puzzle. Writing is all about flow, see, Each sentence needs to flow and each paragraph and each page and each chapter, zooming out. And the balance needs to be found between 'removing punctuation' and 'making it sound smooth'.

In this case, it wasn't needed, so it was gotten rid of. Shuffle things around until they... gel.

Am I being helpful here? <__<;

If Xavier had questioned why a hut would be in the middle of a dirt road then perhaps he wouldn’t have entered it. Of course he didn’t think of what could happen to him and within seconds of discovering the cabin he had broken in.

I don't like the beginning of the second sentence, it doesn't read well -- I'd like to smoothen out that sudden 'Of course'...

If we bridge the two sentences and add a space after the 'of course', it'll sound more like the narrator is speaking. You're dropping out of the third person and into the narrative (When there's actually a sentient body telling' when you use the phrase 'of course' -- and adjustments need to made to accommodate that.

If Xavier had questioned why a hut would be in the middle of a dirt road then perhaps he wouldn’t have entered it... of course, he didn’t think of what could happen to him and within seconds of discovering the cabin he had broken in.

An ellipse and a comma -- it spaces the speaking right.

I really hope that what I'm saying is making sense to you, if it isn't then say and I'll slow down and speak at a more accommodating level -- with less psychobabble.

Overall, the piece works quite well. It's entertaining and keeps you reading. If we work that bit on the structure of your sentences, then we should make it work in the close-zoom too ^__^;.

Next: I'd like you to do your thing. Have a bit of fun, but I'd like Asha Boden to appear at the end of your next post -- being attacked by some monster or other.

Have a ball ^__^.