[Altamira] Marce's Training

OoC: It's been typed for a day or so I just forgot to post it.

“AH! The open sea!” Marce shouted standing at the front of the boat, “Guess I better get comfortable, it’ll be a couple days before we get there.”

He was on a passenger boat headed off to the west, which he heard was a particularly lawless region. Being either a bounty hunter or mercenary one could tell the pace he was going would have work. Marce started to look around the boat and get a good sense of it. He found a few rich looking people that would seem out of place where he was going, so he guessed they were going somewhere else. He found a cafeteria full of people that looked the part of mercenaries and bounty hunters. He could tell they had the same destination as him.

“Hm, I could eat,” Marce said walking over and grabbing a plate. He fixed a plate of mostly meat, and poured a glass of water. He sat at a table by himself, but before he started eating he lowered his hood and tied his hair back. “Don’t want to get anything in a good meal.”

He took his time eating his meal, and he finished it off in about 10 minutes. “Well, better get out of here. It’s a little crowded for my tastes.” Said Marce seeing that while he’d been eating, the room had quickly filled up. Feeling a little explorative Marce took a walk around the ship and noticed something strange. There were some weapons mounted on the ship which was strange for a passenger ship. A woman was walking by that looked like a staff member, so Marce decided to ask her about it.

“Ma’am,” Marce said trying to sound polite, “Could you tell me why a passenger ship has weapons like these?”

“Um, sure sir.” Said the young blonde headed woman, “There’s been a lot of pirate activity near the coast to the west we’re going to. So the government has permitted passenger vessels to arm themselves, just in case.”

“Well, seems appropriate with where we’re going. Thanks for your time.” Said Marce starting to walk away.

“Have a good evening sir.” said the woman going back to what she was doing. She looked back at Marce as he started walking to the back of the boat, and thought, That was quick.

“Hm, Guess this is getting a bit boring. Well, I shouldn’t have to stay that much longer.” Marce said seeing the sun was beginning to set on the horizon, “Day after tomorrow and I can get back to work.”

Marce walked off stopping to take a look off the back of the boat. The sea was dazzling this time of day, it was something Marce could appreciate. He saw the sun was almost out of sight, and he turned to walk away when something caught his ear. He heard something coming and dove back to the rail he was at a moment earlier. The spot where he’d been standing blew up. The ship was being attacked, but Marce didn’t know from where. Another explosion close to where the first was would have thrown Marce off of the ship but the railing still dangled. He held on as tight as he could but it didn’t matter the railing gave way and broke off a moment later.

Marce sent his dark arm to grab the edge of the deck, but it’s wooden boards splintered the moment the am grabbed on. Marce was falling, he had nothing to grab onto. He landed in a huge splash. He felt like he was going to pass out, but the last thing he saw was fire, not just from the ship he was on. It seemed to be fighting back, the other ship that he saw behind it was aflame too, then…nothing.

Marce could hear something, it was the wafting of water and the squawking of seagulls. He opened his eyes and was blinded by the bright and sunny sky. He leant forward and sat up for a minute rubbing his eyes. Once they adjusted to the light he looked around and saw he was on a clear white sandy beach. Strange though, he was too far up on the beach for the water to have carried him.

He looked down at his left arm and said, “You again, huh?” He got up and looked around seeing a small forest. He decided to look there first for… well, he didn’t know what he was looking for, Just… something. When he started walking there he felt the weight of the wet clothes he was wearing. “Eh, I’ll put up with it.” He kept walking watching the trees go by and the forest was getting thicker. He finally got to what looked like a clearing the light was almost blinding from between the trees he walked through and was amazed at what he saw. It was a giant building in the shape of a dome, and when Marce looked around he realized he was in a completely different place. This place had pine trees and small animals that didn’t fit in with normal tropical fauna. “What in the world?”

OoC: Ok, finally made the small tweaks to this and changed the teacher name in the title.

Until Duke comes back from wherever, here I am to take care of business! *cracks knuckles and turns up her grading music* Let's begin:

Word usage issue here:

He was on a passenger boat headed off to the west, which he heard was a particularly criminalized region.

The bolded word is generally a form of a verb that means "to make punishable as a crime" or "to make a criminal". I don't see either meaning really fitting here as an adjective--so we should look for a more appropriate word to switch it out for. Would the words "crime-filled" or "lawless" better suit your intended meaning? If so, just pick one and replace "criminalized" with it. If not, come up with a closer word, or ask me for more suggestions. ;]

An awkwardly-phrased sentence here:

Being a bounty hunter or mercenary, either way one could tell the pace he was going would have work.

Read this sentence aloud to yourself and see if you can catch the error just by the way it sounds--"or" shouldn't be used before an "either", for one. I'm also not sure, because of the way this sentence is worded, if Marce is both a bounty hunter and a mercenary, or just one of the two. I'd revise the sentence to read as:

As not only a bounty hunter, but a mercenary as well, he could see that the place he was heading to would certainly have work for him.

That only works if he's both, though.

If he's only one of those things, then just eliminate the other job for clarity's sake and have it read as:

As a bounty hunter, he could see that the place he was heading to would certainly have work for him.

Compare either of the revised versions to the original, and pay attention to the kinds of changes I made. Do the edited versions sound better/clearer to you?

If you have any questions about any of the changes I made, just let me know.

Just a word choice nitpick here that I couldn't help but point out:

He found a few ritzy looking people that would seem out of place where he was going, so he guessed they were going somewhere else.

Maybe this is just me (and please, feel free to correct me if it is)--but I've only ever heard "ritzy" used to describe places, and not people. It may not be wrong...but I've only ever seen it used to describe things like hotels and parties. I think that "ritzy" might be better substituted for some similar word, even if it's something as simple as "rich".

Punctuation error here:

“Hm, I could eat.” Marce said walking over and grabbing a plate.

This is a very common error--the misuse of punctuation at the end of dialogue. When a piece of dialogue would normally end in a period if it stood alone, but you're attaching it to a descriptor like "so-and-so said", or anything else, then you must use a comma.

Correct dialogue punctuation:

"I'm going to the store," she said.

"I got an A on my exam!" Sarah yelled.

"Where are you going?" Chris asked.

Aiko said, "I'm going to the store."

Pay special attention to the commas and periods in the first and last examples. There, when the descriptor is at the end of the sentence, the dialogue has a comma at the end--but when the descriptior "Aiko said" is used before, it ends in a period.

Putting a period where the comma is in the first example is just like sticking a period in the middle of a sentence, like this: "I bought a cake. and balloons, and birthday candles." That doesn't look right, does it? Putting a period at the end of dialogue when the same sentence still continues on is the same thing.

This problem repeats itself elsewhere in the post, so search all the instances of it out and fix every one. (And I know that probably wasn't the clearest explanation ever, so if you need any of that explained further, let me know. ^^;; )

Another error here:

He took his time eating his meal, and he finished it off in about 10 minutes.

In more proper, novel-like writing like we do here, all numbers up to one-hundred should be written out. In reality, it'd be preferred if you wrote out all numbers, but for now I'll only bug you about those up to a hundred.

I'll leave off there for now--fix up all the errors I've pointed out so far, and once you've finished that, post in the homeroom or PM me and I'll finish grading the rest of the post.

Hello Kingy, I will be your new Teacher. Just thought I should inform you ^_^


((Also this is a friendly reminder to get to work =P ))

ok, made the changes. Also, Bump! Think I should just make a new thread since Aiko's not the teacher now and I only made one post on this one so far?

All right, time to start this up again. Methinks you should have Marce enter and explore the Dome. Look around any of the set rooms (they're named in some other threads, but I don't recall them all off hand) and eventually find his way into a room that's... well, I'll let you be inventive. Have the room be something that stands out as something is wrong. 700 word minimum.