[Altamira] Rak’s Training

[DarthVader317]

It had been five days since Rak had exited that tunnel and found himself on a mountain. Five days on top of a rocky mountain, half of which he spent aimlessly looking for a place where he could see the surrounding area to see if he could figure out where he was, but had no such luck. Every time Rak thought he found something but didn’t brought on frustration. Frustration at his situation, and frustration at himself for what had happened in the mines, and how he was unable to help his friend as they collapsed. Just as he was about to give up he found what seemed to be a trail. It was very faint and didn’t look well traveled, but it was something, so Rak decided followed it along the mountain, hoping to come across another traveler who could point him home. The following days brought on a cold wind, which itself did not worry Rak, but the possibility that it could be the onset of a blizzard troubled him.

Eventually Rak came across a mountain goat, raising his hopes from the possibility of a meal, for he had not eaten since the day he got out of the cave, and the meal consisted only of a small squirrel type critter, which had not been very filling. As the goat began to eat some the thin grass along the trail Rak began to formulate a plan to catch the goat. Looking around, he noticed that there was a shallow overhang directly above the goat, and if he could get there without scaring off the animal he would be able to take it by surprise. As he made his way up to the overhang Rak began to think of how good goat cooked over an open flame would taste after so long without food. Cooked just right, so it’s soft but not raw, just like Ma and Pop would do. When he reached the overhang he peered over to check the goat’s position, then leaped at it, talons aimed for the kill. Whether it was bad timing caused by hunger, or just dumb luck, at that moment the goat decided it was time to move on, and started walking forward, out of the way of Rak’s leap. Whatever the reason, Rak missed the goat entirely, and his momentum carried him over the side of the trail and down the mountain.

After falling several yards Rak landed on what seemed to be a lower portion of the trail he was on before. As he stood up it began to snow, which immediately began to stick. Before long the snowfall was heavy, and the winds had picked up. Great, not only do I lose that goat now I have to deal with a blizzard, Rak thought to himself. Even though he resisted cold temperatures, in blizzard conditions he could still succumb hypothermia. After a few hours of trudging through the snow, he finally received a bit of good fortune; there was a cave in the side of the mountain. Rak hurried to it, and, finding it empty, attempted to start a fire with some sticks he found lying about the cave entrance. Despite using the hottest flames he could breath, the wood just would not light. Must be too wet from the snow Rak thought as he threw them aside. As exhaustion began creep up, he decided to just sleep in the warmest spot he could find. He succeeded in sleeping for a few hours, until a soft glow woke him up. It was coming from the back of the cave. Rak headed towards it, wondering if there was another person inside the cave, but when he reached the source of the light it was a door. Wondering how a door could be in the middle of the cave Rak opened it and walked through, and found himself in a stone hallway. He turned around to look back and found the door was gone. Wherever he was, Rak was now seemingly stuck there.

[Altamira]

Sorry for taking so long, but here we go:

A small typo here, which I point out to remind you to look out for things like these:

Rak hoped to find someplace where he could get a good view of the surrounding area to see if he could figure out where he was, but had no suck luck.

Bolded word should be "such".

Now, a note regarding the content:

It had been five days since Rak had exited that tunnel and found himself on a mountain. The first two days he wandered around, not knowing where he was. Rak hoped to find someplace where he could get a good view of the surrounding area to see if he could figure out where he was, but had no suck luck. Eventually he gave up, and tried to find a way off of the mountain. On the second day he found what seemed to be a trail. It was very faint and didn’t look well traveled, but it was something, so Rak followed it along the mountain. The following days brought on a cold wind, which didn’t affect him much, but did worry him a little as the cold air could be the onset of a blizzard.

This whole first paragraph as a whole is sort of bland; guy gets lost, guy tries to get back to where he started. You really hammer the point that he's lost home a lot, and it gets a little redundant. I'd try to add some interest to this paragraph by throwing in some more details, or some thoughts of Rak's (this I really recommend), or some interactions with his environment or maybe some animals on the mountain--something to make this seem more like a story, and less like a listing of facts. You try this with the last line of the paragraph, mentioning the cold wind, but it's not enough to save the whole thing.

Here would be my quick rewrite of this (forgive me if Rak's character is off, but this isn't meant to be accurate--it's only to show what sort of simple changes could be made):

It had been five exhausting days since Rak had exited that tunnel and found himself on a mountain. The first two days he had spent wandering around, utterly lost, walking circles around pine trees and gurgling streams that he knew he had passed countless times before. He hoped during that time to find somewhere clear and high where he could get a good view of the surrounding area, and from there, figure out where in blazes he was--but, as usually seemed to be the case in his travels, he had no such luck. Eventually, he was forced to give up, and settled for trying to find a way off of the mountain. Never mind whatever it was he had come here for--after all that wandering around, he could scarcely remember why he came anyway. On the second day of his trip back, he found what seemed to be a trail. It was very faint and didn’t look well traveled, but it was something, so Rak shrugged and followed it along the mountain. The proceeding days brought on a cold wind, but it didn’t affect him much. All it really did was worry him a little, as he knew the cold air could be the onset of a blizzard.

The rest of the post as a whole has a similar problem (although the last paragraph is a bit better)--if you have trouble figuring out how to fix this, let me know and I can make suggestions or give examples of how to go about this.

Once you've made your edits, let me know and I'll give you your next assignment. The grammar looked all right in this, but I can see we'll need to work on paragraph formatting, so I'm going to hold off on assigning you to one of my characters for the moment so that I can assess your skills a bit more before deciding. ^^;;

[DarthVader317]

Okay, I made the edits.

[Silver]

Assignment!

I'm going to base this one on an old assignment from Shrub's homeroom, and I'm being upfront about it so no one can bite my head off for it. Go ahead and explore the hallway. After a short period of time, it will round a corner and come to a stop with a shaded glass door. Open up and step inside the room.

This room will reveal the truest, most basic essence of your character. Pretty much the most accurate representation of a soul he or you can ever hope to stumble across. It will just be vision for now, so don't worry about dialogue or fighting, et cetera. Describe what his true self looks like, from his own point of view. Feel free to skimp details he wouldn't notice, or accentuate details which would especially fascinate him. End with him finding himself outside the room, but not remembering having left.

[DarthVader317]

OOC: Sorry for taking so long. It's just been computer problems, school work, and general laziness. Though it did come a bit easier than I thought it would after I started.

BIC:
Rak looked down the hall he found himself in. There were candles along the wall providing light, reminding Rak of the castles in the tales he was told as a child. He started walking down the hall, keeping an eye open for any people. Someone had to of lit all the candles.

After walking for a couple minutes Rak came to a bend in the hall. As he turned the corner he saw a glass door like no other glass he had ever seen before. It had some sort of shade to it, making it hard to see through. Curious as to what might be behind this strange door, Rak opened the door and walked inside.

What he found on the other side was amazing. In the center of the room there was a white, shining, sun. Rak just stared at it, totally transfixed by its brilliance. The flares coming off the sun were hypnotizing, as were the ebbs and swirls on the surface. Rak had never seen or heard of anything like this before. As he stood there watching, Rakahaten noticed that the flares took on shapes as they came off the sun. They looked like birds, some even were noticeably Solvians. All the while a sense of loyalty, kindness, and courage filled Rak, as if being in the presence of this sun was reminding Rak of who he truly was.

Without warning, the sun’s flares began to increase in frequency, until they were coming off at every second from every inch of its surface. Rak stared even more intensely at the white sun, and reached his arm up to touch it. What he felt, though, was just a stone wall. Startled by this, Rak looked around and found himself outside of the room and back in the hall, even though he didn’t remember leaving. What kind of strange place am I in? Rak thought as he continued his journey down the hall.

[Altamira]

Don't worry about the delay--these days I tend to take a long time getting around to grading anyway. ^^;;

Let's begin:

An issue with repetition here:

What he found on the other side was amazing. In the center of the room there was a white, shining, sun. Rak just stared at it, totally transfixed by its brilliance. The flares coming off the sun were hypnotizing, as were the ebbs and swirls on the surface. Rak had never seen or heard of anything like this before. As he stood there watching, Rakahaten noticed that the flares took on shapes as they came off the sun. They looked like birds, some even were noticeably Solvians. All the while a sense of loyalty, kindness, and courage filled Rak, as if being in the presence of this sun was reminding Rak of who he truly was.

Rak's name (even if you try to change things up by using the long version) is repeated far too much in this paragraph, and it makes it sound very choppy and repetitious. I'd suggest swapping out a couple of the "Rak"s for "he"s, or another noun, like "the Solvian", "the birdman", etc.

Another thing you could do to help this is instead of referring to Rak as a whole, you could mention certain parts of him--his eyes staring at the sun, or his heart being filled with a sense of loyaltly, courage, and kindness. This will add some variety to your sentences.

Now as for content itself, while this didn't have to be a long post, I felt you could have taken it further. What you have is good, but you could add more. Loyalty, courage, and kindness are such abstract things--not really emotions or sensations that you can feel. So what did they feel like? How did he get this sense of them? Is kindness like a warm, soft embrace, or courage a rousing in the depths of your gut, urging you on to think you can do things you never thought you were capable of? Does it make you feel like you could take on an army, or face your greatest fears? Feel free to explore these kinds of things and go more abstract, reaching deeper into Rak's mind. This will make your writing more interesting, and make Rak feel more real.

If you have any questions about what I've said, let me know. Otherwise, move on to your next lesson.

Before I give you it though, let me tell you that I've decided to use Hunter Merridale as your teacher, since you're sort of inbetween where I would put someone in Louis' class and where I would put someone in Cadenza's. Even as you progress, I'll probably keep you with Hunter just for consistency's sake.

Now here's your assignment:

Rak should proceed down the hall until he hears a high-pitched growl from the rafters of the ceiling above. When he glances up, he'll see an orange figure plummeting down, arms and legs flailing desperately--and in that moment, he must react quickly and choose what to do. Whatever happens (it's up to you), have the figure eventually land on safe ground (unconscious or not) and be revealed as a sort of cat/humanoid hybrid. They will be mostly human, but with orange cat ears, whiskers, claws, and a tail. Describe them, but don't speak with them (or have them wake up, if you decide they will be unconscious) yet. No word minimum.