[Altamira] Rain Seraph's Training

Oh man, this is taking longer than I expected.

The dark clad man stretched his right arm upward, while his left arm offered support for his head as he sank deeper into the seat. His gold eyes wandered to the nearby window, staring out at the clouds passing by. Some of them looked like smoke, others, like cotton. The shimmering bowl of blue with the far-off clouds against it looked unreal, like a painting.

The man let a small yawn pass his lips. Being in one of the seats in the middle row of an airplane could really bore a person. Nothing exciting was going on; the passengers were either listening to music or resting. The two large television screens up front were muted for whatever reason. The attendants were nowhere to be seen; they were probably lounging off somewhere or serving coffee in the first class cabin or something, it didn’t really matter.

But why was he there, of all places?

The volume rose on the televisions. Someone wanted to hear the current news report.

"Investigations are continuing into the disappearance of all the occupants of flights sixty-eight and seventy-three of the national airlines. Reports say that both planes seem to have landed perfectly by themselves, as there were no pilots on board at the time of touchdo--bzzzzzzzzt!"

Finally! Well, that’s my cue.

He stood up, feeling a dark presence all around him now, although, he didn’t have to feel it to know it was there.

"Sir, please be seated and don't panic," an attendant quickly spoke out as she walked up to him, "I'm sure we're just experiencing a little turbulence."

The attendant let out a small yelp as the screens went berserk and then blanked off. The lights flickered on and off and the windows began closing, one by one. Everyone started to panic. A baby that was nearby began to cry; the mother holding it tried frantically to quiet it down. A man cried out in pain as a boiling cup of coffee was spilled unto his lap during the commotion. There were a few shouts of "What the hell?!" and "What's going on?"

Someone from the back screamed a response, "We're all going to die!"

Another flight attendant tried to get the person to calm down.

The lights went off for a long while, making the cabin dive into a long period of darkness.

The voices of the passengers ceased.

The plane started to descend. The change in the direction of the air flow could be felt against the skin.

When the lights came back on, there was no one but the man on the plane. All the seats around him were empty, no passengers, no attendants and no pilots. Only the sound of the flickering lights reached his ears, until a heavy, distorted voice broke the silence.

"You, there. Human, why can I not devour you like all the others?"

The beast began to take form. It was like a cloud of black smoke with fumes for arms and legs. The eyes were completely transparent, as if there were two holes where they were supposed to be.

"Because," the man standing in front of the beast began to respond, putting one hand in his pocket and letting his other hand hang lazily at the side, holding what seemed to be a dagger, "I’m going to be the one who drowns your sorry ass."

Quick as a flash, the tail end of the plane was severed from the rest, forcing the front end of the plane into an immediate nosedive. The man grinned as he stood near the edge of where the severing had occurred, not affected by the pull of gravity. His eyes, now a threatening purple with slit pupils, seemed to light up along with his smile as he held his two blades at his sides. The beast with the transparent eyes was pulled downwards, slamming into the walls and seats before finally landing on the door to the cockpit.

The two swords turned into a black mist and disappeared, while on his back, the same black mist started to take the form of four wings.

"The name’s Rain," he shouted after the demon, "And I'm not human. Try to get that through your head before you hit the water."

His wings spread wide, catching the wind and pulling him out of the spiraling piece of plane. The wings acted like a parachute, slowing his descent. From the air, he watched as the plane caused a large splash as it hit the water. His ears heard the screams of the beast at the whole thing went under the ocean waves.

But something was out of the ordinary. Rain had landed on something, but it whatever it was, he couldn’t see it. Whatever it was, it wasn’t there before, because the plane would have crashed into it. Taking off his left hand’s glove, he put his palm against the invisible surface.

It’s cold. Like glass.

Rain quickly pulled his hand away as the surface rippled under him, like water. He watched as the ripple kept moving until it was stopped by something a little way from he was standing.

What the…? A door?

It was just a normal looking door; painted blue with a silver knob. It was just lying down horizontally with seemingly nothing holding it up. There was a small inscription etched into the door's frame.

"'Enter the Dome now or be turned away forever.'" Rain read it out loud.

He put his hand on the silver doorknob and closed his eyes, half-smiling.

Heh. Curiosity over caution.

He turned the knob and opened the door. Rain found himself looking into a blindingly white room. He stepped down, putting his hands in his pockets and dissipating his wings. Immediately, he felt the pull of gravity under his feet, instead of from the front as one would expect when stepping unto a vertical wall. Rain realized that the tiled, bright white ‘wall’ he had stepped on was now the floor, as if the whole room had shifted.

Or was it the whole world that turned...?

He spun on his heels, but the door was gone now. Rain turned around again, facing the large, long, white room. On the other end, there were a few doors, similar to the one he had just entered. He rubbed his forehead, perplexed.

Okay. Now I know I’m going insane.



OoC: Have at it, m'dear!

Having at it, momma!

A bit of picky wordiness here:

The dark clad man raised his right arm, stretching it upward while his left arm offered support for his head as he sank deeper into the seat.

The bolded part has two descriptions of just about the same action, and could be expressed in one, more concise way, like this:

The dark clad man stretched his right arm upward, his left arm offering support for his head as he sank deeper into the seat.

You'll notice that I also tweaked the part about his left arm--the sentence, in my eyes, flows better without the "while" stuck in there. Two words indicating that an action is going on at the same time as another, like "while" and "as", are not usually necessary in one sentence and can sometimes make it overly wordy. Try reading the original sentence aloud, and then the edited one, and see if you can hear the difference. ^^;;

Verb tense issue here:

Being in one of the seats in the middle row of an airplane can really bore a person.

The bolded word should be "could", to fit in with the past tense of the rest of the post.

Just a content suggestion here:

He stood up, feeling a dark presence all around him now, although, he didn’t have to feel it to know it was there. The screens went berserk and then blanked off, the lights flickered on and off and the windows began closing, one by one. Everyone started to panic. The lights went off for a long while, making the cabin dive into a long period of darkness.

The voices of the passengers ceased.

I'd maybe include something a bit more about the passengers being abruptly aroused from their resting and relaxing by this--I know they're not the focus of your post, but it would add more realism and detail to the piece, especially since you elaborate a bit on how boring and calm they all were earlier. Maybe have one of the attendants ask him to be seated again when he first stands up, but then be silenced once the screens go haywire and the lights flicker. Just a little something more to make them seem like people and not just scenery. ;]

Forgotten word here, which I just point out so that you spot it:

The beast began to take form. It was like a cloud black smoke with fumes for arms and legs.

The bolded part should be "It was like a cloud of black smoke". Just a simple case of forgetting a word--it happens to me all the time. ^^;;

Just a nitpick here:

"Because," the man standing in front of the beast began to respond, putting his left hand in his pocket and letting his right hand hang lazily at the side, holding what seemed to be a dagger, "I’m going to be the one who drowns your sorry ass."

I've noticed this with a couple BAers, and maybe it's just me--but whenever someone specifies which hand is doing which action every time, it seems to me like they're trying too hard to create a mental picture. I'd specify which hand is doing what if it's important, but generally I'd just refer to one as "so-and-so's hand" and the second as "so-and-so's other hand". It doesn't distract too much from your writing here, but sometimes if you read analytically like I often have to, it becomes noticeable enough for you to stop when you see it.

To me, it's like when people specify how someone's saying something in a dialogue every time, like (and this isn't meant to be a conversation, just random one-liners):

"Hey, come over here," Jack yelled loudly.

"You're an idiot," Tina quipped.

Tom said sardonically, "Right, of course."

Unless the way someone says something is really important, I wouldn't bother trying to include that little bit of description--it distracts from the dialogue and weighs it down. Including the "left hand" and "right hand" every time to me is the same sort of thing. *shrugs* Maybe it's just me, but I thought I'd mention it. <__<

Dialogue formatting nitpick here:

"The name’s Rain." He shouted after the demon, "And I'm not human. Try to get that through your head before you hit the water."

This isn't technically wrong, but I think that it'd read more smoothly if connected, like:

"The name’s Rain," he shouted after the demon, "And I'm not human. Try to get that through your head before you hit the water."

Word choice nitpick here:

His wings spread wide, catching the air and pulling him out of the spiraling piece of plane. The wings acted like a parachute, slowing his descent. From the air, he watched as the plane caused a large splash as it hit the water. His ears heard the screams of the beast at the whole thing went under the ocean waves.

I'd change that bolded "air" to "wind", to avoid having the word "air" repeated too close together, and because the image of wind pulling someone is clearer than the image of "air" (which is usually pictured as something still and calm.)

And that's all for errors and nitpicks! Good work. I've decided your teacher will be Cadenza Madrigal, since judging from this you only seem to need practice/work with stylistic elements of writing. Now...just fix up the things I've pointed out and I'll give you your new lesson. :]

Okay, I fixed it up! ^_^ I added a little 'life' to the passengers *cough*, annnd I kinda fixed the left-hand, right-hand thingy.

Gawsh, daughta is so nitpicky. x3

Which reminds me...

Nitpick!:

Originally Posted by Altamira

Now...just fix the things I've pointed out up and I'll give you your new lesson. :]

Might sound better as:

Now...just fix up the things I've pointed out and I'll give you your new lesson. :]

HAH! ^______________^

<3

Originally Posted by insaney

Okay, I fixed it up! ^_^ I added a little 'life' to the passengers *cough*, annnd I kinda fixed the left-hand, right-hand thingy.

Gawsh, daughta is so nitpicky. x3

Yaaay, good work! And I'm sorry--your writing's already awesome, so I'm just trying to be nitpicky in order to fine-tune it. ^^;; If you ever disagree with me at any point, feel free to shove my stupidity in my face. <__<

Which reminds me...

Nitpick!:



Might sound better as:



HAH! ^______________^

<3

XD

You're right! *goes to edit* ;P

Lesson time!

Have Rain exit the room, and turn around to see that the door he just left through has disappeared without a trace. A creature of your choice (describe it/her/him!) will recognize the startled and incredulous expression that is all too often seen on newcomers' faces and offhandedly explain that the room is an unassigned dorm, but offer nothing more as it continues its stroll down the halls. Rain should either ask the creature where it's headed, or simply follow after it, finding that the creature is headed to a giant cafeteria full of beings of every race, color, creed, etc.

Once there, have Rain interact with at least one of these people before picking back up on the creature's trail and following him to a table full of people he will hear called "teachers" (here you can take a stab at interacting with or describing some of the Dome teachers' characters, like Shotty's or Shrub's, etc.--whatever you want!) End your post with Cadenza recognizing Rain as her new student, but not saying anything to him yet (the realization will only show through her expression when she hears his name.)

No word minimum--and feel free to ask me any questions as they arise. ;]

For some reason…

Rain spun around again, looking at the walls and floors of the bright white room. As he did so, he was also putting one foot in front of the other, making his way to one of the three doors--the middle one, to be exact. When the door was finally reached, Rain turned the doorknob almost without thinking and walked through.

…I don’t feel like I’m on Earth anymore.

He heard a soft crunching when the soles of his boots met the ground. Rain looked down at the source of the sound.

Grass…?

“Oh great! You’re finally here.”

A gruff voice came from behind him. Rain turned around, expecting someone to be standing in the doorway. But, there was no doorway. There was no door. It was as if the room he was just in had never existed. Instead, he found himself staring into the eyes of a bear that was standing on the same small, circular, floating platform as him.

“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you?” it spoke again, but its mouth didn’t move.

Its eyes seemed unemotional, never blinking, never looking around. The pupils in the midst of the brown irises seem to peer effortlessly into one’s soul. Its fur was a darker brown, trimmed neatly all over, save for the few strands between two small ears at the top of its head that seemed to serve as ‘hair’. It was about as tall as Rain himself, but a lot wider.

What in the world…?

“What are you staring a--…” The bear sighed and raised its paw to its forehead, “Yeah, yeah, I forgot; you’re a newbie.”

It took a step back, clearing its throat and spreading its arms wide as if it were expecting a hug from the newcomer.

“Welcome to the Dome! This is not a dream, yadda yadda yadda, you were just in an unassigned dorm, blah blah blah, enjoy your stay! Now,” the bear dropped its arms to its the sides and began walking--or wobbling, Rain couldn’t really tell--past the newcomer, “if you’ll just shut the hell up and follow me to the cafeteria, everything will become crystal clear soon. Or not so soon; you seem like the hollow-headed type.”

Rain stood in place as he watched the bear wobble over to the edge of the circular platform. He chuckled to himself; there is no way that this could be a dream. I mean…a guy in a bear suit? Come on. The bear at the end of the platform stopped its wobbly activities and turned around to face Rain.

“Will you stop standing there gawk--Oh, for crying out loud. Yes, I am a bloody guy in a bloody bear suit, happy? Now hurry up!”

I suppose it couldn’t hurt.

Rain walked up to the bear, as soon as he did so, an elevator made of glass rose from the depths. It was small, as if it were made to fit the two of them specifically. The two stepped in when the doors open. As they did so, Rain noticed the inside of the elevator was completely different from the outside. Inside was silvery, not transparent at all. It just seemed like a normal elevator on the inside, but on the outside, it was like a glass cube.

He had to stop his mind from pondering about how this was made possible, otherwise it just might have exploded on him.

“Going down! Hang on to your hats!” As soon as the guy pushed the button, he put his hands on his head, attempting to keep the bear-head in place. While he was doing that, the elevator was descending at an alarming rate; Rain’s feet began to lift off the ground slightly. He hadn’t risen more than an inch when the ride finally stopped. The bear stepped out quickly, walking into an almost fully crowded area, similar to a noisy shopping mall, but much, much larger.

Rain’s head was spinning now. His sixth sense was in a rage; angels and demons and everything in between. It seemed like they were all over this place, nearby and far off, above and below, everywhere. Their presence bombarded him so much that his eyesight waned as he stumbled towards the man in the bear suit who had not stopped walking since their arrival.

“Hey…” Rain muttered, “Wait up…”

I must look like a drunkard. He walked, tripping over nothing, trying to catch up with the bear. Everyone else moved at their normal pace around him, no one stopped to look or help. Everyone just kept moving along. Rain looked up for a second. His eyes met those of the bear.

There was silence now. The sounds around them were slowly blotted out as a small staring contest ensued. The bear suddenly raised his paw.

Rain blinked.

SLAP!

“What the hell was that for?!” His left cheek turned a bright red from the rather painful hit from a furry paw. The bear shook his head in response and turned around, beckoning Rain forward. Rubbing his cheek, Rain noticed that he could see all around him clearly, unlike a few seconds ago when he stepped out of the elevator. His sixth sense was still active, yes, but it was…calmer, somehow. Continuing on, he quickly caught up to the bear while an array of questions piled up in his mind.

What is this place? Why did my sixth sense rage like that? Did the bear-guy have something to do with calming it down? Who is this guy, anyway? And where the hell is he taking me? Moreover, why the hell is he wearing a bear suit?

He looked at the person in the bear suit. He walked--or wobbled--in an amusing way; his head went from side to side while he took very small, but very quick steps, his feet hardly lifting off the ground.

Rain’s observation was interrupted when he noticed how large the next room was. The floor was white and clean. There were tables everywhere, with lots of people having their meals or moving about. Everything seemed to be there; humans, angels, demons, hybrids and even races of people Rain had never seen before. Some people were in suits, but some were wearing medieval armour, others were wearing seemingly futuristic clothes.

For a brief second, Rain caught a glance of a person with a familiar smile and green hair.

Is that…Zorlo?

At that moment, he felt something hit his chest lightly. When he looked down, he saw a young girl looking back up at him.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he smiled, “did I bump into you?”

The girl was about a foot shorter than Rain. She had dark, silvery hair which ended at her shoulders, framing her face, which had small, pink lips, a small nose and sea-green eyes. Her clothes consisted of a white, hooded, armless shirt and long, dark brown leather trousers, with black, knee-high boots.

“It’s okay,” she responded, smiling, “I’ve never seen you here before. You must be new here!”

Rain nodded, “Yeah…I guess I am.”

“Okay, this place is kind of like…a universal gathering of warriors, something like that…And, well, the first thing you should do is find your teacher. He or she will most likely be over there, by the teacher’s table.”

Rain’s eyebrows rose slightly at the word. …‘Teacher’?

She pointed to a large, round table that was almost in the center of the room. Around this table sat seemingly important and very powerful-looking beings. Near one of these people stood the man in the bear suit, who had taken off his headpiece. He bowed to that person--a woman--and spoke a brief word with her before standing aside, eyes to the floor.

“Oh, about the person in the bear suit,” the girl continued, “he’s one of the messengers. I think he actually thought that you were going to be a lot younger. Don’t worry about him, as you go through, you’ll earn his respect. That’s easy. But the person that you’ll have to really work hard for to gain their respect is your teacher. And I know who’ll most likely be yours…and she’s…well…not really…um…”

She shook her head and exhaled, heading past Rain, “I wish you good luck with that!”

“Th-thanks!” he called after her. The girl turned around and smiled, waving her hand in the air.

Right. Teachers, messengers…bear suits, Rain chuckled, what’s next? He made his way over to the messenger, who stepped forward when he noticed Rain walking towards him. The Latina-looking woman with dark hair and purple peacock feathers leaned back on her chair and gave Rain a scrutinizing look, from the bottom go up.

“Ms. Madrigal,” the messenger spoke without looking at either of them, “Mr. Rain Seraph. Mr. Seraph, Ms. Madrigal.”

Rain smiled at her, extending his hand. ‘Ms. Madrigal’, huh? She’s glaring at me in a wipe-that-stupid-smile-of-your-face kind of way, he chuckled nervously, “Nice to meet you.”


OoC: Okay, my post is ready to be shredded, beaten and squashed, m’dear! The girl is an npc I just randomly made up while watching my current wallpaper >.> And I just wanted the ‘creature’ to be something a little…unexpected, I’m sorry. xD

Let's begin!

Dialogue formatting problem here:

“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you?” It spoke again, but its mouth didn’t move.

Putting this bolded part after the dialogue as its own separate sentence is a little strange. It makes it sound as if the guy spoke again after that piece of dialogue. There are two ways you can fix it...

Way one:

“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you?” it spoke again, but its mouth didn’t move.

This way makes it part of the sentence with the dialogue--if you're going to put a "he said" or a "she asked" or something like that after a line of dialogue, then no matter what that dialogue ends in (question mark, exclamation point, or a comma for a period) the first letter of the next word should be lowercase, as it would be in any sentence (unless it's a proper noun or the word "I".) The punctuation in the quotes does not matter:

"Hello," he said.

"Hello!" he said

"Hello?" he said.

No matter what the dialogue ends in, the "h" in "he" is not capitalized. If it was, it'd be just like randomly capitializing a letter in a middle of a sentence, like this: "I am Going to the store."

Way two:

It spoke again, but its mouth didn’t move. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you?”

Here, you simply put the sentence before the dialogue, so that it's clear that it is describing the dialogue to follow.

The dialogue formatting error I discussed in way one occurs elsewhere too:

“It’s okay,” She responded, smiling, “I’ve never seen you here before. You must be new here!”

The "s" of "she" should not be capitalized, for the reasons I already rambled about. ;P

And that's all for errors! Awesome work! I loved the bear-guy and how the little girl began to describe Cadenza--and Rain's just great throughout the whole piece! *applauds*

Normally, I'd like to give you an IC lesson just about now, but...if I'm going to get through all this grading, I'm going to have to conserve the little energy I do have. <___<;;

So for now, I cop-out and give you an OoC one:

Have Rain try to speak with Cadenza and/or ask any questions he might have--but find that she's not very responsive. She'll grumble about having to leave the cafeteria and go to work, perhaps muttering something about how the Dome never gives her a chance to relax, and will lead him out into the halls. There, she'll grudgingly open up to answering more of his questions. Have her eventually lead him to a garden in the Dome, on the way to which any little incident you'd like to happen can occur, and once there she'll ask him what brought him to the Dome. No word minimum--this is just an exercise in character portrayal and interaction.

She grumbled and unfolded her arms. All who were seated at the table fell into silence as the woman with dark hair pressed her palms against the edge of the table and pushed herself backward, dragging the chair along with her. She glanced over at the man in the bear suit; he tensed up and stood at full attention, sweating and staring straight ahead. The woman then turned to Rain, who still had that silly smile on his face and was standing with his hand outstretched, waiting for her to shake it.

After a few seconds, she turned away and walked past the bear-guy who jumped slightly when her shoulder brushed his.

“Never a moment to relax in this place, is there?” she mumbled.

The messenger looked up at the ceiling and let out a small sigh of relief. The woman stopped walking and looked back at the two before continuing on again. The man gulped before waddling up to Rain.

“Um…You’re…You’re supposed to follow her.”

The Grim Angel turned around and looked at the teacher, who had just moved through one of the exits.

“Oh! Thanks!” he responded as he strolled away and towards the exit. The messenger just nodded.

This particular hallway that he had followed her into was not smooth and white--it wasn’t ‘perfect’, as all of the other rooms had been. This hallway was covered from top to bottom with dark vines and odd, blue flowers, each no bigger than the palm of Rain’s hand. The vines ran parallel to each other across the corridor, creating a dark green floor.

But, you see, that wasn’t the weirdest part about this place…

Rain watched the ‘floor’ that the vines had created ran from the ground to the wall to the ceiling where Ms. Madrigal was standing. This hallway was twisted a dizzying one-hundred and eighty degrees!

I swear, Rain began walking forward, not really taking in the twist of the corridor as he moved along it, if I had no experience of defying gravity by walking on walls or ceilings, I would have freaked out by the time I entered this place.

He put his hands in his pockets as he got closer to the woman, who was still on the move down the corridor.

“So,” he spoke loud enough so that she could hear, “you’re my ‘teacher’, right?”

No answer.

Rain twisted his lips slightly.

“Can you tell me why I’m here?”

Again, no answer. She just kept on walking.

There were some moments of silence as the two continued walking, Cadenza a little way up in front, leading the way and Rain at the back, observing the green architecture. There was a little instant where he heard the vines at the side moving; they parted to reveal a door, which opened. Someone--a man--walked through and closed it behind him. As he moved off, the vines set themselves back into place. Rain stretched his hand out, attempting to part them himself, but he was stopped as another vine descended and slapped his hand. It then proceeded to shake the tip of its vine--like a finger--at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cadenza shaking her head as she continued to walk on.

“So what is this place, exactly?”

“The Dome.” She responded dryly as the vines in front of her parted, revealing another door. She stepped through, but left it open for the person who was supposed to be following her. Rain found himself staring at a plant. Not just any ordinary plant, but a plant that had purposely blocked his way and opened its mouth to threaten him with its six rows of razor sharp teeth. Behind those teeth was a black hole, which a paper-thin purple tongue slid out of. The tongue slithered in between the teeth until it lifted itself to Rain’s face. The Grim Angel raised a hand to slap it away, but another hand got in first, slapping the tongue down instead.

“Bad Stickly!”

It was a small looking man, about half Rain’s height and a little wider than Rain’s waist. He wore a black cap and a blue shirt, with brown trousers and no shoes. He also spoke in a hoarse voice.

“Bad boy!” he scolded while hitting it again, “You know you’re not supposed to taste the new ones!”

The plant-beast whimpered and pulled its tongue back in, closing its mouth.

“Now, leave Mr. new-guy alone and go back to sleep, okay?”

The thing nodded its ‘head’ and pulled itself up through some parted vines in the ceiling. The little man just walked past a perplexed Rain without offering any kind of explanation. Sighing and wondering if he should go on any further in this madhouse, he took a few steps toward the door that Cadenza had walked through earlier.

He appeared in a small garden, the perimeter of which had an abundance of dark green coniferous trees, while in the center had small rows and columns of small flowers of various colours, surrounded by light green, well-cut grass. Above him, there was another garden, but it was on an upside-down platform, with the trees pointing their fingers downard at the platform Rain was standing on. There were flowers there too; set up in the same fashion as the garden he was in.

“Tell me,” Cadenza stood directly in front of him, across the small patch of flowers, “what brought you to this place?”

There was another length of silence between the two before Rain started talking.

He told her his story: how he got here. He told her about the demon on board the flight, the floating door and the words on the doorframe, the person in the bear suit, everything up until the point where he saw her for the first time. The story wasn’t as long as he thought it would have been, but still, it felt like it was a good few minutes before it ended.

The woman made a quick nod.

“Right,” was all she had to say.


OoC: I wonder what'll happen next <<;

All right, here we go:

Capitalization issue here:

“Um…You’re…You’re supposed to follow her.”

Ignore for a second that those bolded dots (aka ellipses) are periods. Forget that you hit the period key to type them, and think of them as, say...commas. They're just there as pauses in one entire sentence--and therefore, the underlined words should not be capitalized. Capitalizing them would be just like Capitalizing the Words in This Sentence. There's no reason for it.

Following that logic, the sentence should read as:

“Um…you’re…you’re supposed to follow her.”

A different nitpicky capitalization matter here:

“Now, leave Mr. new-guy alone and go back to sleep, okay?”

In this sentence, you have the bolded part serving as a name that a man is calling Rain. Names, no matter how silly or hypothetical or made-up, should be capitalized. If I call you "Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes" each part of that has to be capitalized, whereas if I just called you a "goody-two-shoes" as a plain old noun and not a name, it's not. "Mr. Idiot" and "an idiot"; "Mr. Cat" and "a cat". It's the same idea.

That means the quote should read as:

“Now, leave Mr. New-Guy alone and go back to sleep, okay?”

I know this is pretty picky, but your grammar is already so good that you can afford to go back and fine-tune little things like this to make your writing even easier to read. ^__^

And that's all for errors. As always, awesome job, momma. Rain's personality always shines through in your posts, and your command of grammar and other writing devices is wonderful. :]

Lesson time!

IC:
As Rain took in the sights of the garden, Cadenza flipped through the notes the messenger had slipped her; to her surprise, she was finding that there were some interesting facts amidst all the usual stats and bureaucratic drivel. According to these sheets she had been given, this guy was some part vampire, or used to be a vampire, or something like that--it was kind of hard to make out exactly what in the middle of the other junk. The term "Grim Angel" had been used, and got a raised eyebrow from her.

This recent batch of students was becoming more and more diverse, she thought, looking up. If she ever, in some hypothetical universe where she was generous, took her students out to drinks, one would ask for chocolate milk with a curly straw, one would ask for beer in a bathtub-sized trough (actually, quite a few of them would probably ask for that much beer, even if a trough wasn’t their drink container of choice), and now another probably would want human blood straight up in a shot glass. The Dome took all kinds. Even if she didn't want to teach all kinds.

Most vampires are complete elitist a**holes...

Rain was poking a strange red bud dangling from a tree. His hand recoiled back before the flower rendered him eligible for one of the handicap spaces at a coffin-store, or wherever it was that vamps hung out. Seeing this, Cadenza strode out to stand next to him, trying to recall to mind why the Dome had ordered her to bring him out here. Some sort of test, some sort of test...

Someone had wanted to know the limits of a Grim Angel, or something--she remembered that silver had been mentioned in notes and other messages a few times. That meant something here was going to attack him--a person, or just a random barrage of projectiles, or maybe he'd be dropped into a pit of silver spikes--who knew?

She slowly became aware of perforated holes opening up in the stones underfoot and some of the nearby garden walls, and then she remembered--there were two students the Dome wanted to test. A werewolf, and this vampire. And both were going to be pummeled with various sharp pieces of silver as they fought. The only bit she was fuzzy on still was how they were going to be made to fight--Rain seemed pretty laid-back, after all, and even werewolves didn't pick random fights with guys in gardens for no reason whatsoever.

This thought was still running through her mind when she heard a feral growl and the grating of teeth coming from the garden entrance. She swiveled around to see the werewolf, his giant claws out, and his quivering mouth afoam, and it was clear that however he had been provoked, he had been provoked, and he was ready to tear Rain and anyone else standing in his way limb from limb.

OoC: The werewolf, obviously, will engage Rain in a fight. Throughout this, the two will have silver darts shot at them from the floor and walls, trying to pierce their skin. Rain should try to figure out first why the werewolf wants to fight him, and then decide where to go from there--either defeating him, or solving whatever the problem is through other means. Cadenza will have dropped into the shadows and gone back to the garden entrance as soon as the fight starts.

In this lesson, I want you to focus on emotion--the werewolf should be full of blind, snarling rage, but try to give him some personality too, rather than sticking him with the typical gruff beast attitude. This might be challenging, but I know you're up to it, momma, and I really look forward to seeing what you can come up with. ^___^