[PowerShot] Calista's Training

[HitokiriChibi]

OOC: I can't help but notice my training thread had vanished - and can only conclude it did so because of the hacking awhile back. I only noticed now and that's probably why I haven't had it graded - it wasn't here to be graded at all. So here it is again...

IC:
It was a dark night; the moon a bare sliver in the clouded sky and torches lined the streets to give some form of light against the oppressing darkness. Taverns blazed like beacons, people swarming to and from them in the dark festival that only opens at night to those denizens wishing to while away their hard earned coin on a few drinks and a comely girl on his lap.

Brawls naturally broke out, with the onlookers cheering and the owner tallying what costs would need to be made to repair damage done and others still made bets on who would be the victor.

It was basically just a typical evening down in the seedier side of town; the only difference being that it had been a bleaker night than usual and people being superstitious had sought to drown their fears and worries more than usual. For Calista, as she was hurrying down the streets to the inn she was planning to room in, it was the worst night she could imagine.

Calista was used to darkness, it was the world she lived in being blind, but even then it was broken by the music she saw and tonight that music had a sharp edge that didn’t do anything to reassure her.

“Something has gotten into these people, I swear it!” she muttered to herself, her voice worried. A night like this was good for business as people were always willing to let someone play a tune for a meal but tonight was… dangerous. What should have been a night of mellow thoughts and a few flares of temper had turned sinister and menacing. There were sharp spikes in the music the people made, notes that created a discordant song that no longer reflected an environment that was safe for her to stay in.

Walking swiftly, Calista rounded a corner and nearly fell, her outflung arm catching her against a wall and she sighed in frustration. It was times like this that made her curse her blindness, but she merely closed her eyes and relaxed, focusing once more on those eddies of sound that drifted on the air towards her, mapping out the area.

So focused on trying to figure out where she was heading, she didn’t realise that a drunken duo had spotted her and were making their way to her in a predatory fashion, eyes gleaming at the pretty girl who appeared lost.

Calista felt a small smile bloom on her face when she finally had a clear map of the area she was in, her mind remembering the way sound had reverberated off objects to give her warning they were there. Too late she heard and saw the muddied music that was coming towards her and whirled around, her hand going to the whip at her side.

“Hey lil girl, ye lost?” One man called and Calista wrinkled her nose at the drunken slur that passed for language. Good grief, even his words come out muddy looking, she thought with contempt.

“Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to drunkards,” Calista stated coldly, using her magic to give her words a threat of death and misery.

As one, the men blanched and normally would have run away except that drink had clouded their minds enough to overcome the irrational fear the had blossomed at the blonde woman’s words.

“Now, no need ta be all uppity, missy. We was just lookin’ ta show ye a good time, if ye catch my meanin’,” the second man spoke up to break the awkward silence that had sprung from her words.

Calista rolled her eyes; the edgy music of the town was getting on her nerves and slowly warping the tune of her heart so she became angrier.

“Leave me be!” With those words she flicked her whip out, catching that split second snap and amplifying it so it resounded in her would be abductor’s ears, the cacophony making them lurch to their knees disoriented. At that point Calista ran, no longer bothering with heading for an inn but just anywhere that would take her from this town and its strange darkness.

~~~

The next day found her wandering through some woods, her eyes closed as she followed Nature’s song in guiding her without trouble. She had left the town far behind her, wanting nothing to do with the tainted music it harboured, instead seeking solace in nature and its own glorious song. So she renewed her spirit here, and it was then she heard a tantalising tune that changed like quicksilver before her eyes.

It was a song, and one sung by so many and for so long it bordered on something of an epic scale, and Calista could no more ignore it than stop breathing. She made her way through the trees; her head tilted to better hear the music that called to her and to catch whether or not someone approached until finally she came to a stop before a breathtaking visage.

What she could see of the vast building was crawling with music, steeped into the stones themselves and filtering away into the wood surrounding it. It was those tendrils that Calista had heard and followed, charmed by what could possibly make a song so complex.

One thing she could tell of the building was a huge dome like structure that rose high in the air, the music seeming to spiral up its length in a rainbow crescendo before falling back down to begin the climb once more. Watching it for what seemed like hours, Calista realised the music had different tones and feelings, some jagged with anger, other lost and seeking guidance. Others yet were thick, bright and glorious chords that spread throughout the complex, each with their own distinct feel that the young woman realised it wasn’t just the place that created the song but those who lived within it and those who had gone before.

Uncertain of her welcome but determined to see at least one maker of those masterful chords, Calista straightened her vest, shook out her blonde tresses and made her way determinedly towards the entrance which glowed and moved like a swirling vortex in her vision.

[Power Shot]

Very nice. Sorry it took so long. I have had a lapse in my abilities, but it's all better now.

This piece was rather beautiful. Stirring. And to top it off, wonderful imagery and lyrics. Something I would like to point out would be the strange fact that you describe things so beautifully from the viewpoint of a blind woman. It's not bad, but you should tone down the images from her point of view and focus more on the sounds that surround her and translate those into descriptions.

Assignment Time!

Detail is the key as you open the door to the mighty Dome. The Dome is a place of history, where mighty warriors have trained and battles have been fought. As you walk through the hallowed halls of such a place, a Domerii appears to your surprise. This is the personal Domerii to the sensei known only as the Dark Eye, and he is there to inform you that the Dark Eye requests your presence in the library. The Domerii is something like a ghost, and has no real form, and he will vanish after he tells you this message. Find your way into the library.

The object of this assignment is to see how your diction and sentence flows work. I want to read something beautiful so I can teach you to create beautiful people. 1,000 word minimum.

[HitokiriChibi]

Calista looked at the swirling vortex, its rainbow of colors bright with the imprint of so many strong people walking through its portal. Hesitating just a brief second longer, her hand light on the wooden structure embedded with intricate carvings her fingers traced, she pushed it open and slid into the slim opening.

Closing the door stronger than normal, Calista watched as the sound waves ricocheted around the room, giving her a vague idea of the shape of the room. Seeing echoes of sound floating further away in various areas, Calista could only conclude that this was merely an entry way and that wherever the sound was escaping to were passageways that led deeper into the building, and hopefully to more rooms filled with glorious music.

Before she left though… Calista trailed her left hand on the wall as she walked, her eyes shut as she listened to the song trapped in the walls. Too many people had walked through this door for her to hear anyone one person’s song clearly; the sound was only a muddied thing like a well worn rug that had seen too much use. Sighing in regret over the lost opportunity, she nevertheless realized that the people who had all walked into this place were strong, warriors the majority of them, clear in how a solid tune of strength played in the music. Something more whimsical was also threaded through in abundance, possibly those who were more magically inclined? Whenever Calista had met someone with that tune of whimsy, they generally turned out to be magicians of a sort.

As she continued around the room to the first hallway, she couldn’t help but think over what she had just come across. To have two strands of melody repeated in various people… if she could recreate that and play it… there was a good chance she would be able to enhance the magical ability in those who previously lacked it…

“Ouch!” Calista yelped, her foot snagging on something and sending her forwards, shins hitting something hard and wooden before gravity too had her in its hold and sent her tumbling down upon said hard object.

“Gods curst blindness!” she swore as she sat on her behind and rubbed at her stinging shins furiously. She hadn’t taken a tumble over anything in a good while and now her pride was smarting just as bad as her legs for being beaten by what seemed to be a chair.

“That’s what I get for being distracted… I should know better than to not pay attention to where I’m going,” shaking her head at her own folly, she stood up and gingerly stretched her legs one at a time, wincing a bit as she put weight on the foot that had gotten caught.

Muttering under her breath, and catching the sound so no one else would catch her cursing herself, she continued down the hall, this time focusing on the sound her feet made and how it interacted with the surrounding objects. All too soon though she got distracted again by the remnants of songs left behind, songs that had tantalizing hints of what the person who had gone before had done in their life, tales that Calista wanted nothing more than to hear clearly.

“Mistress-” the soft voice caught the young musician by surprise, first for the sudden appearance where there was no one and by the way there were no overtones in his voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry, you surprised me. I didn’t see you there,” Calista gave a small laugh and leaned a hand on the wall for support. Try as she might she just couldn’t see any sounds that made up whatever was in front of her.

“Mistress, I have been sent by my Master with a message for you-” he began again only to be cut off once more by Calista who leaned forwards and squinted as though it would help her see him better.

“What manner of being are you? You don’t exude any sound at all,” Calista asked with a small frown on her face. She didn’t like the fact there were any sorts of beings that didn’t make sound, it was hazardous for her health.

“… I am a Domerii, servant to he who is known as the Dark Eye. He has sent me with a message for you,” the Domerii responded coolly and Calista put her hands on her hips in a stance of irritation.

“I don’t know any ‘Dark Eye’. Is he the owner of this place?” The prospect brought a light to her eyes; if he owned this place then surely he was one of those stronger songs!

“My master is a sensei, a teacher, within the Dome,” here he paused having already grasped that continuing would only earn an interruption.

“A teacher? Well…” Calista felt disappointment weigh herself down just a tad. In her experience there were only a handful of teachers who were extraordinary, and that was only due to the knowledge they had, not the songs they made with their life stories.

“Indeed. My master bids you to make your way to the Library. That is all.” On that note there was silence in the hall and Calista stood gaping.

“But, where is the library? I don’t know my way around here!” Her words echoed around her, and receiving no response she could only assume that her constant interruptions had irked the servant into leaving after the message had been delivered.

“Well really… bad enough just giving a message but telling a blind woman to find her way around a new area? I suppose I can’t blame them since they didn’t know I was blind… but still… ordering someone around whom you’ve never met before. That’s a bit rude.”

As she muttered to herself and continued down the hallway she was on she determined the best thing she could do was to continue and just take whatever turns she came across in hopes of bumping into someone to direct her.

Unknown to her was that the building she walked within has sentient to a certain extent and was already altering its halls to accommodate her and bring her to the library as efficiently as possible. The young woman didn’t run into any side halls and after a few minutes of walking nearly collided into a large wooden door that appeared before her.

Frowning, she ran her hands over it and came across what felt like a metal plate with markings inscribed upon it. Feeling it gently Calista gave a brief smile at the brail words that spelled out ‘Library’.

“Found it~” Grasping the door handle, she pushed it open and stepped within the interior.

[Power Shot]

Okay. Let's pwn.

To begin with, your first paragraph could use better diction. While, and I must admit, the description you give of the door is quite nice, it is also awkwardly worded and somewhat lengthy. Consider what is necessary and what can be cut when writing a blind character, especially since you rely on a totally different description style then an ordinary character. You are also relying heavily on sound waves, or at least that specific description, early in the second paragraph. Mix it up a bit.

In the third paragraph, however, you really started to repeat yourself. "Anyone one person's song" is an example of this. Consider rereading each submission to see if the wording makes sense to you. Your primary problem seems to be repetition, which is understandable considering you need to describe the scenery with sounds, which do not have nearly the abundance of sight. Look into this.

Other then these notes, I enjoyed this piece a great deal. Time for your next assignment.

Assignment Time!

What's this? Yes, my dear, it is the library. Throughout the library echoes the sounds of history, along with something much more sinister. It is a song you cannot understand, a song of strange darkness and silent mouring. Use these notes to find yet another message from the mysterious Dark Eye, bidding you to find a secret passage through the library to his dungeon. Search through the library, the exit must be somewhere!

Your mission is to properly write a note from the Dark Eye, so check his profile to properly describe the song and the writing such a person would give off. I would like 1,000 words, please.