[Altamira] Bartholomew's Training

[Kanraku Tenma]

IC:“Greetings Mister Decari, I have a job for you,” said a voice from the other end of the communicator.

Bartholomew Decari IV yawned, having awoken from his first full night's sleep in days. He felt a feeling of excitment stirring in him at the idea of another job. Although he would never admit it to anyone, Bartholomew loved killing. The only thing about his job that he hated was that he was limited to killing a certain person.

“What do you want?” Bartholomew asked as he scratched the top of his head, further messing up his black hair.

“I need you to kill a man by the name of Francis Johnson; he has upset the wrong people and made some… unwise deals,” his newest employer explained as Bartholomew dressed.

“Where can I find him?” the bounty hunter asked as he grabbed Nerio.

“He should be passing your station in about thirty seconds,” his employer said calmly.

Bartholomew ran to the hangar just in time to see a small ship passing his base. The assassin leaped forward, briefly flying through space before grabbing onto his victim’s ship. The futuristic vampire punched a hole through the backend of the ship and climbed in, startling the pilot and causing the ship to veer off course.

“Who are you?” a very surprised Francis Johnson exclaimed, letting go of the controls.

“My name is Bartholomew, and I am here to kill you,” Bartholomew said nonchalantly as he stabbed the man through the chest.

Francis Johnson’s dying screams drowned out the sound of the Black Hole Proximity Alarm, a safety device that warns ships of the dangerous space holes. Bartholomew looked away from the gurgling body to find a swirling vortex of darkness a few miles away. The assassin cursed and grabbed the ship’s controls, hoping to turn the endangered ship away from its imminent doom.

“No, no, no, no,” the ex-soldier said in shock and disbelief as the ship was pulled into the black hole.

***********

Bartholomew slowly stood up and rubbed his aching neck. The surprised bounty hunter looked around; he appeared to be in a large, open area. A small creature hobbled over to him, it was about two feet tall and had one leg that was considerably shorter than the other.

“Hello Bartholomew, welcome to the Dome,” the creature said, hobbling away before the assassin could ask it what that meant.

[Altamira]

Here we go!

Picky detail here, but nevertheless:

Bartholomew Decari IV yawned, having awoken from his first full night sleep in days.

The bolded word should be "night's", to describe having had a full night's worth of sleep. Without it, the phrase technically does not make much sense.

Awkward word choice here:

“What do you want?” the man from the 61st century asked as he scratched the top of his head, further messing his black hair.

"Messing" either needs to be changed to "messing up", or another verb with a similar meaning like "tangling"--if you read this sentence aloud, you should see why.

Personally though, I would remove that bit of description altogether. This man is someone who was first described as just a "voice on the other end of the communicator"--so I'm assuming that means Bartholomew cannot see him. If Bart can't see him, then we probably shouldn't "see" (or have visual descriptions of) him either. At least not until/unless he appears in person. Does that make sense? ^^;;

Sentence structure issue here:

“I need you to kill a man by the name of Francis Johnson, he upset the wrong people and made some… unwise deals,” his newest employer explained as Bartholomew dressed.

Here, you have two independent clauses stuck together without proper punctuation or other connectors. An independent clause is a clause (whole or part of a sentence) that can stand alone as a full sentence, like, "My name is Aiko." In the part of your post that I quoted, you have two of these (the first of which I'll bold, and the second I'll underline):

“I need you to kill a man by the name of Francis Johnson, he upset the wrong people and made some… unwise deals,” his newest employer explained as Bartholomew dressed.

These two clauses cannot be put together without something more than a comma--otherwise you're just sticking two separate sentences together. There are a few ways you can do this:

Way one--using a semicolon:

“I need you to kill a man by the name of Francis Johnson; he upset the wrong people and made some… unwise deals,” his newest employer explained as Bartholomew dressed.

Way two--comma and a conjunction:

“I need you to kill a man by the name of Francis Johnson, and he upset the wrong people and made some… unwise deals,” his newest employer explained as Bartholomew dressed.

As you can tell, this way does not work well for this particular situation.

Way three--using a colon:

“I need you to kill a man by the name of Francis Johnson: he upset the wrong people and made some… unwise deals,” his newest employer explained as Bartholomew dressed.

While better than way two for this, I also don't think this is the best choice here. Colons usually work best right before lists.

Way four--making one clause a "dependent/subordinate clause":

“I need you to kill a man by the name of Francis Johnson, who upset the wrong people and made some… unwise deals,” his newest employer explained as Bartholomew dressed.

In this method, you change one of the independent clauses into a clause that could not stand alone as a complete sentence--therefore making it necessary to stick it into a sentence along with an independent clause. "Who upset the wrong people and make some unwise deals" is not a complete sentence alone, because it lacks a subject. When put together with "I need you to kill a man by the name of Francis Johnson," that problem is fixed, and the "Francis Johnson" piece has more detail added on to it. If this is confusing, let me know and I'll explain further.

Way five--a dash:

“I need you to kill a man by the name of Francis Johnson--he upset the wrong people and made some… unwise deals,” his newest employer explained as Bartholomew dressed.

I'm not positive that this method would work for, say, a formal English paper, but it's a method I use a lot for more direct statements or action scenes when I want the dialogue to move quicker or have a punch to it. The dash adds a bit of spice to a sentence and draws the reader's eye to what follows.

If you have any questions on any of this, let me know. ;]

An overly wordy and awkward sentence here:

“Hello Bartholomew, welcome to the Dome,” the creature said before hobbling away before the assassin could ask it what that meant.

There are too many "before"s here. Clean up this line so that it reads as:

“Hello Bartholomew, welcome to the Dome,” the creature said, hobbling away before the assassin could ask what that meant.

Here, the comma communicates that the creature said those words before the action that follows (the hobbling away.) Any other changes I've made were for the sake of clarity.

Once you've fixed all the errors that I've pointed out, and asked any questions you might have, I'll give you your next lesson.

[Kanraku Tenma]

Originally Posted by Altamira

Awkward word choice here:

"Messing" either needs to be changed to "messing up", or another verb with a similar meaning like "tangling"--if you read this sentence aloud, you should see why.

Personally though, I would remove that bit of description altogether. This man is someone who was first described as just a "voice on the other end of the communicator"--so I'm assuming that means Bartholomew cannot see him. If Bart can't see him, then we probably shouldn't "see" (or have visual descriptions of) him either. At least not until/unless he appears in person. Does that make sense? ^^;;

I am sorry for the confusion, I changed it to "Bartholomew" instead of "the man from the 61st century" I was trying to think of another way to indicate that it was Bartholomew who was speaking. I did not want to overuse "Bartholomew" in the post.

Also, I did what you requested.

EDIT: I also changed a sentence in the beginning because at first it says how he wasn't in the mood for another job, but then goes on to say how he loves his work. That didn't make sense to me so I changed it. ^_^

[Altamira]

Originally Posted by Kanraku Tenma

I am sorry for the confusion, I changed it to "Bartholomew" instead of "the man from the 61st century" I was trying to think of another way to indicate that it was Bartholomew who was speaking. I did not want to overuse "Bartholomew" in the post.

Also, I did what you requested.

EDIT: I also changed a sentence in the beginning because at first it says how he wasn't in the mood for another job, but then goes on to say how he loves his work. That didn't make sense to me so I changed it. ^_^

Ah, good edits on both accounts. ^_^

Lesson time!

I'd like to wait to have one more assignment to judge from before I assign you to either Louis or Cadenza, and so here it is--have Bartholomew try tracking that creature that welcomed him down, only to find himself utterly lost in the Dome. After some wandering around, he'll think he has spotted the creature ducking into one of the doors, and should follow after--but it'll turn out that what he saw was only the pet of a giant, who will be greatly angered by Bart's intrusion into his dorm. The giant will engage Bart in a fight--who wins or loses is up to you, but focus on the action and descriptions. 600 word minimum.

[Kanraku Tenma]

OoC: I did it! I got mah CJs back! *does a jig of some sort*

BiC: “Come back here!” Bartholomew yelled to the creature as it moved away from him.

The creature, perhaps a hobbit, increased its pace and the bounty hunter followed. The assassin was surprised that such an awkwardly shaped creature could move with such speed, and he eventually found himself running after the creature. Unfortunately for him, Bartholomew was focusing all of his attention on the hobbit and did not attempt to mark a path for himself to find his way back.

The hobbit make odd panting sounds as it ran, and Bartholomew suspected that it would die of a heart attack before he reached it. Oddly enough, the hobbit continued to run for what seemed like hours before finally turning a random corner and scurrying through a hole in one of the walls. The assassin shoved his arm down the hole, trying to grab the creature’s leg, but only felt the cold hard material of the wall. Bartholomew removed his arm from the hole and looked around. He appeared to be in a maze of halls and doors. The bounty hunter looked to his right and saw an oddly shaped orange door, it looked like it was made out of oak and was decorated with crude carvings of people fighting zombies and the like. Bartholomew was intrigued by the mysterious gateway and, after studying it for a bit, opened it and stepped into the area beyond.

The first thing the mercenary saw when he entered the new hallway was a short humanoid creature running into the door on the other side of the hall. Thinking it to be the hobbit-like creature he encountered earlier, Bartholomew followed it into another room.

“Who dares to enter my room?” boomed a voice from high above Bartholomew’s head.

A giant stood before the assassin, and his beard alone was large enough to smother him. The great being was at least forty feet tall and every one of his steps sent tremors through the floor. It wore a simple tunic and worn, patched trousers that were dark blue in color.

“I was just chasing that… that thing,” Bartholomew stammered, gesturing toward the creature he saw earlier.

“That is my pet, my only friend in the world. Why would you want to harm such an innocent and docile creature?” the giant asked, his rage barely hidden beneath his calm appearance.

“Kill him master! I can see the evil in his eyes, he wants to kill us!” the creature cried.

“Very well, I shall kill the little pest,” the giant said and raised his axe, a weapon that Bartholomew had not noticed before.

The assassin jumped to the side, narrowly avoiding the earth shattering slash of the axe’s blade. The bounty hunter drew Nerio, prepared to do anything necessary to defeat the giant. Bartholomew jumped at the giant’s chest and delivered a powerful kick his ribcage, sending the colossal man crashing to the ground. The bounty hunter ran over to his neck and prepared to sever his head when he heard a scream.

The giant’s pet shrieked as it soared through the air and attached itself to his face. The small creature began scratching at him with sharp dirty nails, sending flecks of blood into the air and onto the giants beard and tunic. Bartholomew grabbed the creature by the waist and threw it across the room, knocking the annoying beast unconscious. Bartholomew once again raised his sword and stabbed through the giant’s throat.

“I suppose it is true,” Bartholomew said quietly to himself, “the bigger they are, the harder they fall.”

“That was so cliché,” said the ghostly figure of Bartholomew Decari the first.

The assassin paid him no attention, but instead turned and left the room, ready to investigate the strange place, this Dome, which he appeared to be trapped in.

[Duke of Clubs]

Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.

For the most part, your grammar is solid. The only recurring thing I noticed was that you tend to use commas to separate independent clauses (Ie, "The Dog ran, He was very tired.) Can't do it. Use a semicolon (hahacolon) or a dash as the case may be. Or, if you want, you can just separate the clauses into two different sentences...but that's boring.

There're a couple small things, but nitpicking blows. On to more important matters: stylistically, there's one thing in the post that bugs me to no end.

For the love of God Almighty: Show, don't tell. I can't stress this enough. Sometimes you tell, and you show occasionally, but sometimes there's a lack of showing or telling. If this was a Kindergarten class you'd get an F.

In case you don't know (ie, you're English teachers have sucked), showing-not-telling is basically this: make your writing more descriptive. What sounds more interesting: "There is a black dog on a white porch. It is morning and it is warm." OR "The dog stretched out happily in the warm morning sunlight, his black fur standing out against the gleaming, white porch." In the first example, I'm just straight up telling you there is a dog and a porch and it's sunny. In the second, you can picture the scene in your mind, and the reader can add his own details that, while not explicitly mentioned, would fit the scene: the dog's tongue is hanging out and his tail's wagging. There's a chewed-on bone laying nearby."

The reader will always, always, always want to have the scene shown to them. It's way more interesting. Showing-not-telling is basically the most important stylistic issue ever. The best way to start the show (ha ha, pun'd) is to get rid of your being verbs and, once that's done, cut down on helping verbs. Being verbs are passive and...um...not being verbs?...are active. Being verbs tell, not-being-verbs show. You get me?

All right, since going back and editing posts is boring as hell, do this:

BarthOlOmOO (ho HO), having defeated the Hugeass Giant and his little bastard of a minion, will continue through the halls of the Dome until he reaches a gathering area of your choice (for example, a tavern or a library or something). Have him stop to talk to a Friendly Passerby. Unfortunately for him, and more amusing to the rest of us, a group of probably heterosexual elves and elfess-es (wtf) will stop him. The elves are pissed the hell off because that little bastard hobbit thing woke up, somehow got to the meeting area faster than Bart, and started whining about how the giant was killed. What a little pus--ah, never mind. Bartholomew 4 will have to diplomatically negotiate his way out of the mess. Note: he CANNOT fight them. Either they're too strong or there's twenty elves or the she-elves are so hot he doesn't want to hurt them...don't care why. He can be successful or not, in which case he'll have to haul arse out of there.

When you're doing this, focus especially on showing (dur)--cut out your being verbs and reword the sentence if need be--and also on making the supporting characters lifelike. That's big. If I hadn't known the giant was a giant, I would've thought he was an English homosexual tea-swiller. Give the secondary characters their own personalities even if they only have one line. You can do this in description (showing it, of course) and dialogue.

Stay in drugs and don't do school!
~Doc
holychristiwrotealot