[Altamira] Ragnos' Training

[Malachi Constant]

OoC: I hope you like it ;_; Ragnos types in purple (cause he's just that cool)

Ragnos trudged through the Kithicor woods, his home city long behind him, as he marched onward. He only had two years to be away until he was forced back into the Kithicor army until his death. The sky above the trees was growing darker and the sun began to fade behind the horizon. Ragnos sighed in relief, his breath hanging in the air. At night, he could finally keep up a quick enough pace to get out of the nightmarish forest.

The sound of a branch snapping stopped Ragnos in his tracks. He knelt lower to the ground, and slowly looked around. Nothing. Ragnos slowly stood up and continued on. He took a few steps, then felt something slam against his head, then nothing.

Ragnos woke up inside of a wooden cage. The cage was being carried by two large hunched figures. Ahead of the cage was a rather bulky woman with short black hair.

“What…What is this?” Ragnos said weakly towards the woman. The woman held out a hand, the two hunched figures lowered the cage. The woman turned around, and to Ragnos’ surprise, he learned she was no woman. Her face was covered in something like fur, only thicker, like bristles on a hog. Her nose was pointed up, and her mouth had two small tusks protruding from it.

She was a boarman, deviate beasts that roamed the outer reaches of Kithicor forest, capturing travelers to eat them later. The hunched figures were males of the species, big, ugly, and dumb.

“Release me, boarman!” Ragnos shouted through the cage. The creature made a horrible sneer and snorted a few times in a mocking laugh. The woman made a grunt at the two boarmen, who picked up Ragnos’ cage and began moving again.

Ragnos needed to get out of this cage before he was brought to the boarman lair, where he would surely have been devoured. It was still night, so he should be able to break through the wooden bars.

With a quick movement, Ragnos unsheathed his sword. It glowed slightly red, sensing the flesh near it. Ragnos swung his sword, The Blood Moon, as hard as he could at the bars.

Splinters flew everywhere, and the two hunched boarmen dropped the cage. The rest of the cage exploded into wooden shards. Ragnos was disoriented for a split second, but immediately realized the situation. The female boarman was charging at him, in her hand was a primitive club. Ragnos was in his element, it was night. The boarwoman never stood a chance. Ragnos ran her through with his sword. With one final grunt, she collapsed into a heap.

The two hulking boarmen were finally coming to their senses. With hog-like squeals they charged Ragnos. Ragnos spun his body around, arcing his sword over his head. As his sword came down, it cleaved one of the boarmen in two. The second crashed into Ragnos’ back. As he fell forward he threw his arms out. He somersaulted onto his feet and turned to face the boar. It shook its head, snorted, and charged again. This time, Ragnos sidestepped and swung his sword straight down. It cleaved the boarman’s head clean off. Ragnos smiled, and sheathed his sword.

“Now where the hell am I?” He muttered to himself. He was at the edge of the forest, he could see a giant spherical dome in the distance, out on a green plain. The sun was just coming up, and the light was directly behind the dome, giving it a very powerful presence. He walked up to it, it was massive. A large set of double doors was in front of him.

He opened them and stepped inside. He was in a circular entry hall. A voice came from above, possibly from a speaker.

“Welcome to the Dome. Let your training begin”

[Altamira]

Okay, let's begin:

A sentence structure issue here:

Ragnos trudged through the Kithicor woods. His home city long behind him, Ragnos marched forward. He only had two years to be away, and then he was forced back into the Kithicor army until his death. The sky above the trees was growing darker, as the sun began to fade behind the horizon. Ragnos sighed in relief, at night, he could finally keep up a quick enough pace to get out of the nightmarish forest.

Throughout this paragraph, you use many short sentences, and the overall effect is choppy and detached. Since this isn't a stream of consciousness (aka, his thoughts), and this isn't a fast-moving action scene, it'd be better if you connected and edited some of these sentences together to make them flow more smoothly. For example:

Ragnos trudged through the Kithicor woods, his home city left long behind him as he marched onward.

Try your hand at fixing the rest of the paragraph in the same manner. If you need help, let me know.

There are one or two other kinds of iffy things about that paragraph, but I'll let them go and see if they're fixed when you make those structural edits. If not, we can work on those more picky details as we progress. ;]

An error with verb tense here:

Ragnos needed to get out of this cage before he was brought to the boarman lair, where he would surely be devoured. It was still night, so he should be able to break through the wooden bars.

You're writing in past tense here, so the bolded word should be "have been" rather than "be". Skim through your post to make sure there are no other tense errors like this one.

Word confusion here:

He was at the edge of the forest, he could see a giant spherical dome in the distance, out on a green plane.

The bolded word is the wrong kind of "plain/plane". The one you want here is "plain". (I've linked you to dictionary definitions for both if you're confused by that.)

That's all of the errors I'll point out this time. I've decided that your teacher will be Cadenza Madrigal, because even though your sentence structure could use some work in some areas, your writing overall is pretty solid and reads much like the style of a novel. Once you finish fixing up the errors I've pointed out, post here and I'll give you your next lesson.

[Malachi Constant]

I fixed a few things,

mainly the areas where you said to change, I left the middle paragraphs alone since you didn't mention them.

If it's all satisfactory, I'd love my next lesson ;]

[Altamira]

Looks good. Assignment time!

As soon as Ragnos enters, a group of small elves will descend on him, seemingly excited to see another elf in the Dome. They will start fawning over his weapons and armor--but once he's lured into a sense of peace and pride by their praise, one of the elves will begin to count in a quiet, murmured voice, and on the count of three, all the elves will each grab a different item of Ragnos' and run off with them, disappearing into the myriad hallways of the Dome. Have Ragnos chase after them, detailing his pursuit and capture of each of the elves. Be sure to give some description to the Dome halls and lobby, and the elves when they first appear as well. ;]

[Malachi Constant]

Sadist! D:

[note, this post will be edited with my assignment once I write it]

[Altamira]

For the sake of giving my poor TAs some work, I'm reassigning you to my assistant Halcyon Hero, who will take over your training from here. You will still continue on with the lesson I've given you, but he will grade it and give/evaluate all lessons from there on.

[Malachi Constant]

THIS IS THE BEST POST IN THE WORLD

[Malachi Constant]

sorry for the wait

Ragnos looked around. The front lobby was a large circular room with a high ceiling. The room split into three corridors, each one identical to the next. Suddenly, Ragnos heard a voice from behind him.
"Hail, dark elf!"
Ragnos wheeled around to face a group of 5 elvish creatures. They were a different race then the Dark Elf tribe he hailed from. Their skin was tanned, almost brown. They were no more then five feet tall, and they each had scruffy blonde hair. Each elf had the clothes of a beggar, torn shirts and scrapped shorts.

Ragnos pondered these elves for a second and replied, "Hello, little elves, are you operators of this building?"

The elves all chuckled and one of them replied, "Why yes, we are the trainers here. But by the looks of you, you really don't need any training"

Ragnos eyed the elf cautiously, then replied rather smugly, "Why yes, I am fairly talented in the art of swordplay"

Another elf spoke up "Look at that armor! Black as pitch, thick, and looks incredibly light weight!"

Ragnos was beaming now and replied in an arrogant tone "Why yes, this armor is the finest you will ever see"

The elves surrounded Ragnos, and each pointed to a piece of his armor and gawked in awe. After several minutes, the elf directly behind Ragnos held up his hand. The other elves all slightly nodded and went back to chatting with Ragnos. Ragnos was smitten by the elves praise that he wasn't fully aware of his surroundings when the elf behind him shouted "NOW!"

In a frenzy, each elf grabbed a piece of Ragnos' armor. The elf behind him managed to get Ragnos' sword out of its sheath. Panicked and frustrated, Ragnos shook off the elves. All five took off down the corridors. Two down the left, one down the middle, two more on the right.

Ragnos looked down and noticed he was very naked. All he was wearing were the leather shorts that prevent his armor from chafing. He patted his back frantically, only to realize one of the elves had made off with his sword, too. Even the circlet on his head was gone.

Ragnos didn't have time to think, he bolted down the farthest left corridor. The corridor was about 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide. It seemed to stretch on forever, a sea of egg-white tiles. He could see one of the elves ahead of him. The elf was holding a pair of black boots.

"COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE CRETIN!" Ragnos shouted. The elf was slowly losing distance to Ragnos, who was in full sprint. When Ragnos was about 10 feet from his prize, the elf made a sharp right and disappeared into another corridor. Ragnos turned the corridor only to see a large room filled with floating white boxes.

A motion-activated voice called out "First Floor, Aerial Combat Training". Indeed, the room was about 6 stories high, and the boxes could be climbed and jumped all the way to the top. To Ragnos' dismay, he saw the elf was already making his ascent up the box staircase. Ragnos immediately followed. The climb felt endless, and by the time Ragnos reached the top, he was completely winded. At the top were two large floating platforms. One which Ragnos was standing on, and other which the elf was standing on.

The elf laughed wickedly and said, "You want these shoes? Go get them!" And tossed the plate mail boots off the side of the platform. Ragnos wasted no time, he jumped forward and caught the edge of the platform the elf was on. He grabbed the little creature and pinned him to his body. The elf squirmed, but Ragnos' forearm was secure over his chest.

Then Ragnos jumped off the side of the platform. The voice came over the room again and said "Aerial Combat Initiated". The boxes all shot towards the wall, and were assimilated into the tiling. Ragnos expected to be falling, but instead, he was hovering in mid air, his boots hovering just above the floor, where they would have been smashed beyond repair. Ragnos literally swam through the air down towards the ground and grabbed his boots. With one hand over the elf's neck, he carefully put them on, and admired how ridiculous he looked.

Ragnos threw the elf to the ground, and put his booted foot on his chest.

"Where are the others meeting up?" Ragnos asked

"The entrance hall! Now let me go!" The elf cried. Ragnos picked the elf up and rapped his head with his fist. The elf went out cold, and Ragnos set his body down.

Ragnos ran back through the corridor to the entrance hall. Sneakily, he looked out and saw three of the four remaining elves. In between the three was a pile of Ragnos'
armor. His chest plate, circlet, Leggings, and gloves.

He took a deep breath, shook his head, and exhaled. Ragnos charged into the room, screaming as loud as he could. The elves all jumped up and scurried around. Ragnos managed to grab one by the nape of its neck. He tossed that elf into another, both elves smashing into the wall. The last elf was trying to escape through a corridor, but Ragnos was too quick for it. He swept its legs out from under it, knocking it out cold.

Ragnos quickly put on his armor, and admired how amazing he looked again. The only thing he was still missing was his trusty sword, the elf that had stolen it was not at the meeting that Ragnos just destroyed.

Ragnos began off down the middle corridor, looking for any signs of the elf. Sure enough, he saw a piece of tattered cloth from the elf's tunic. The cloth was outside of a door that seemed to be blended with the wall. Ragnos grabbed the door and swung it open.

The voice sounded again with "First Floor, Treasure Hall". Just as the room described, there were giant piles of gold and silver coins on the floor. Crates of weapons and racks of armor adorned the walls of the room, and the room was lit with a gigantic crystal chandelier.

Ragnos quickly noticed a shifting of coins in one of the gold piles. The elf's head popped up, saw Ragnos, and darted back in. Ragnos grabbed a glowing sphere next to him. It looked like a very precious stone, very expensive. Ragnos hurled the sphere as hard as he could at where the elf was crawling through the gold. A large THUD echoed through the room. Ragnos walked over to the pile and pulled up the unconscious elf from among the coins and shards of the orb. He grabbed the sword off its back, and dropped the elf into a chest of coins, and put a sword in the lock, so it wouldn't open from the inside.

Ragnos put his sword on his own back and walked back to the main hall.

the elves were all gone, so he decided to lean his back on the main doors and have a nice nap.

[Halcyon Hero]

Ragnos looked around. The front lobby was a large circular room with a high ceiling. The room split into three corridors, each one identical to the next. Suddenly, Ragnos heard a voice from behind him.
"Hail, dark elf!"
Ragnos wheeled around to face a group of 5 elvish creatures.

Where writing speech, use double spaces. EX:

Ragnos looked around. The front lobby was a large circular room with a high ceiling. The room split into three corridors, each one identical to the next. Suddenly, Ragnos heard a voice from behind him.

"Hail, dark elf!"

Ragnos wheeled around to face a group of 5 elvish creatures.

They were a different race then the Dark Elf tribe he hailed from. Their skin was tanned, almost brown. They were no more then five feet tall, and they each had scruffy blonde hair. Each elf had the clothes of a beggar, torn shirts and scrapped shorts.

Most of these sentences are too simple, and can be combined quite easily to give a greater sense of fluidity. EX:

They were a different race then the Dark Elf tribe he hailed from; their skin tanned, almost brown, and their hair scruffy and blonde. They were no more then five feet tall, and wore the clothes of beggars; torn shirts and scrapped shorts.

The elves all chuckled and one of them replied, "Why yes, we are the trainers here. But by the looks of you, you really don't need any training"

When ending a bit of speech without any confirming actions (“Blahblah,” he said.), make sure that you close it off with a period. And when you do follow up the speech with “he said/she said/ect, close it off with a comma.

Ragnos eyed the elf cautiously, then replied rather smugly, "Why yes, I am fairly talented in the art of swordplay"

Close off with a period.

Another elf spoke up "Look at that armor! Black as pitch, thick, and looks incredibly light weight!"

You need to separate the opening part of the sentence from the speech with a comma.

Ragnos was beaming now and replied in an arrogant tone "Why yes, this armor is the finest you will ever see"

Closing period needed. Also, you’re using the same speech form a lot. Try to mix it up a bit. Instead of (Another elf spoke up, “Speech.”), you could write it (“Speech,” another elf spoke up.) See? Just try to keep things from becoming repetitive.

Ragnos was smitten by the elves praise that he wasn't fully aware of his surroundings when the elf behind him shouted “NOW!"

“Smitten” probably isn’t the right word here, unless Ragnos actually was falling in love with the elves. A better phrase might be, “lost in”, or “struck”. Also, you hurried this sentence too much, and left out a couple of needed words. It might even be better if you separated it into two sentences. And an apostrophe should follow “elves” since it’s “their praise”. Lastly, you rarely ever want to write in all caps. All in all, this sentence should be changed to something more along the lines of:

Ragnos was so lost in the elves’ praise that he was no longer fully aware of his surroundings. Sensing this, the elf behind him shouted, “Now!”

In a frenzy, each elf grabbed a piece of Ragnos' armor. The elf behind him managed to get Ragnos' sword out of its sheath.

This is another good example of two sentences that can be easily combined. Try changing that period to a comma and adding “and” after it.

All five took off down the corridors. Two down the left, one down the middle, two more on the right.

Here, the second sentence is a continuation/explanation of the first. So, combine them with a semicolon. Also, follow up that last comma with an “and”.

Ragnos looked down and noticed he was very naked.

I don’t quite think that a person can be “very naked”. It’s more of an absolute. Since he’s still wearing his shorts, you might change that to “nearly naked”.

The corridor was about 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide.

When writing like this, it’s generally better to write out words. “7” should be “seven”, and “4” “four”.

He could see one of the elves ahead of him. The elf was holding a pair of black boots.

The same elf is the subject of both of these sentences, and since they’re both “simple”, it seems too repetitive. Try to fit the fact that the elf’s holding the boots into the first sentence and eliminate the second.

"COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE CRETIN!" Ragnos shouted.

Remember that I told you that you rarely ever wanted to write in all caps? Well, this might be one of those instances. All caps should be reserved only for the purest, loudest emotions, which this is. I would, however, like to see it justified a bit more. Try to add an adjective (maybe two) to the follow-up action (Ragnos shouted—in what?).

When Ragnos was about 10 feet from his prize, the elf made a sharp right and disappeared into another corridor.

Number to be written out.

A motion-activated voice called out "First Floor, Aerial Combat Training". Indeed, the room was about 6 stories high, and the boxes could be climbed and jumped all the way to the top.

Insert a comma after “out” and write out “6”.

At the top were two large floating platforms. One which Ragnos was standing on, and other which the elf was standing on.

Combine these sentences for simplicity. “…platforms, Ragnos standing on one, and the elf on the other.” You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you to combine some sentences and separate others. Well, there are many reasons for one over the other, and they can change with the particulars of whatever you happen to be writing. In some instances, simplicity might be better. In others, more complicated sentences would be preferred. It’s hard to explain, but it’s something that you’ll gain a sense of the more you write and the more experience you gain. But as a rule, the three main things to consider are fluidity, emotional impact, and proper grammar.

In between the three was a pile of Ragnos' armor. His chest plate, circlet, Leggings, and gloves.

Un-capitalize “leggings”, and combine the sentences with a colon.

The only thing he was still missing was his trusty sword, the elf that had stolen it was not at the meeting that Ragnos just destroyed.

Comma should be a semi-colon.

the elves were all gone, so he decided to lean his back on the main doors and have a nice nap.

Capitalize “the”.

Alright, that’s all. Fix ‘em and I’ll give you your assignment.

Oh, and two minutes before midnight, so you don't get to eat my liver.