[Altamira] Ejnar Rekklae's Training

[musical zombie.]

A night, colder than cold. A darkness so black that it hurt to see through it; it hurt to listen to the utter silence that engulfed the world at this time. There was wind, but you could not hear it, did not feel it, it was merely there. He existed on a different plane. The snow of the icy Svalbard crunched under his claws; Ejnar stumbled blindly through this cold, gray world. Eyes closed, feet moving without his approval, he moved on. He'd never seen nights as cold as this, never as dark as this, never as bitter and uncaring as this. His claws made large grooves in the snow as he unwillingly and painfully loped on.

Ejnar squinted through the engulfing black. There was nothing; nothing to be seen at all. No trees, no rocks, no landforms at all. He had absolutely no idea where he was, though it wouldn't make any difference if he knew anyways. He let out a roar that seemed almost a tinny squeak. Carried away, as was his health and stamina. Ejnar would not be able to go on much longer. He was a bear, not some human. He had strength, but not to the point where he was ungodly. He stared forward, loping along at a stronger pace; he would not give up as a feeble human would. He did not know what brought on this superiority complex, but it was helping him through the bitter darkness of what was known as Svalbard.



He could remember happier times in Svalbard, when he was accepted among other Panserbjorn, when he was a part of the great community. Often conversing and debating with other bears, he was almost a philosopher. That was before the great incident with the greedy king; that's not the story that's set to tell, though. He remembered spring and summer, when it was warm at times, and this incredible feeling, this warmth, would go straight into his soul and his heart would jump with the joy of knowing that he was alive, this was life, this was happiness.

Shaking these memories out of his head, he pushed on, being stubborn as he was naturally.

Suddenly, he stopped. There was something rising out of the darkness. Ejnar stared up, almost hurting his neck with such effort, and stood up on his hind paws. There was a huge...something, he didn't know what, rising out of the darkness. It was immense; it seemed to be a concept, something that appeared out of hallucinations from his dogged, tired mind. He felt a sense of urgency, for some reason. He started to lope towards this incredible...

Something.



Arriving at whatever this behemoth of a structure was, he tapped a claw against it. There was no sound made. The wind had stopped, he knew not why. His inquisitive eyes ran over this strange material. It seemed almost to be of a granite type build, but it was incredibly smooth and no matter how hard he tried no dents or scratches could be made in it.

He heard a sound, and squinted as a golden light appeared. He looked up, and about halfway up this huge monolith was a golden triangle, reflecting light. It cut a straight swathe through the darkness, parting it as though it were butter and the light was a knife. The triangle steadily grew larger, extending outwards, and sinking down to the ground. It seemed to be a door. Ejnar looked to the left and right, and loped in, to whatever this strange place might be.

--------------------------------


Skidding into a strange place, Ejnar's claws made a loud, piercing screech. Claws tapping on the marble floor, he looked around. There seemed to almost be no ceiling to this strange place. His caution was raised to the max; One never knew where he'd end up. All around, there were doors of every shape and size, though all was quiet. He started to walk, keeping his guard up and looking around slowly as every step made a CLACK sound.

The strange functions of this enormous bear's mind clicked on; puzzling over what this place was. Now was not the time for panic, though. Now was the time for logic. He looked back to see that his golden portal to this strange place was now gone. He was somewhere else.



OoC: I hope that's good. ; D

[Altamira]

Blargh, you and your making-me-want-to-do-work ways... @_@

Let's begin, em-zee:

First, there's an issue with awkwardness:

His claws made large grooves in the snow as he unwillingly loped on, painfully.

The placement of "painfully" here isn't necessarily wrong, but it certainly ruins the flow of this otherwise solid sentence. I'd place the adverb elsewhere, or simply phrase it in another way. Here's two examples of how you could go about doing that:

His claws made large grooves in the snow as he unwillingly loped on, in terrible pain.

Of course, you can choose a better adjective than just "terrible", but you see the point here--you're rephrasing it so that you're not awkwardly using an adverb after a pause (the comma). Another option is simply moving the word:

His claws made large grooves in the snow as he unwillingly and painfully loped on.

Whichever way you prefer is fine--or you can simply come up with your own way. Just choose some way to correct the awkwardness. ;]

Another awkward bit here:

He had strength, but not to the point where he was nearly ungodly.

Again, nothing's really grammatically wrong with this, but if you read it to yourself the two words ending in "ly" one after another sound a little strange. I'd substitute "nearly" for the word "nigh".

Capitalization issue here:

That was before the great incident with the greedy king; That's not the story that's set to tell, though

A semicolon doesn't end a sentence--it merely continues it in a different manner than a comma or colon. Therefore, follow the ol' rule: unless you've ended with a period, question mark, or exclamation point (or it's a proper noun), don't capitalize.

This error repeats itself later on in the post, so make sure you find that one and fix it as well.

A missing word here:

Ejnar stared up, almost hurting his neck with such, and stood up on his hind paws.

It seems as if you're missing something after the bolded "such"--you need some word afterwards, like "effort", so that it reads as:

Ejnar stared up, almost hurting his neck with such effort, and stood up on his hind paws.

Read that aloud to yourself. Doesn't that seem to fill some sort of gap in the original?

An issue with tense here:

It seemed to be a door. Ejnar looked to the left and right, and loped in, to whatever this strange place may be.

The bolded word should be "might"--you're speaking in past tense here, so all your words must be in keeping with that. "May" is present tense.

Nitpicky thing here:

He started to walk, keeping his guard up and looking around slowly as every step made a *CLACK* sound.

The way you've used it actually does not look that bad, but we never use asterisks here in the BA. A way you can still keep the emphasis for this sound, however, is italics, so it looks like:

He started to walk, keeping his guard up and looking around slowly as every step made a CLACK sound.

And that's all for errors and nitpicks for this post. Awesome work! I was really impressed with how well-written this all was, and the errors were mostly of a stylistic and somewhat picky nature. I think you're ready to be taught by my character Cadenza Madrigal and begin to focus on those more stylistic/advanced aspects of writing now. :]

Once you've fixed up all the errors I've pointed out in this, I'll give you a new lesson as soon as I can.

[musical zombie.]

Mistakes are fixed, o' wise teacher.

[Altamira]

Good work, o' speed demon! ;P

Lesson time!

IC:
Cadenza had always been a teacher that ignored the Dome messengers. The trio tugging at her shirtsleeve as she strode down the hallway in an introspective frame of mind were no exception.

Some days, this place is tolerable. Yeah, there's the students to deal with, but they all neatly fit into the usual archetypes; mage, swordsman, generally arrogant fighter-of-whatever-specialization, student who hates me, etc. There's a method for dealing with all of them that minimalizes the annoyances.

Of course, there are a few unique ones. Kashet, Kyralie, Jhans--their personas haven't seemed to repeat. But I suppose they're what keeps this place interesting.

Finally, the most assertive--and to her at the moment, that also meant most bothersome--dwarven messenger managed to catch her attention.

"A new student of yours has arrived," he said, thrusting the paper up into her line-of-sight. She jerked to an abrupt stop as she took the sheet, and the little man's grasp slipped from her shirtsleeve, sending him toppling to the floor. The gypsy was too occupied with the paper to notice.

"Ejnar Rekklae. Male. Roughly forty-five years old," she read aloud. Her eyes and voice paused as she glanced over the next word: "Panserbjørn".

She sighed, stuffed the paper away into a pocket, and continued walking, stepping nonchalantly over the dwarf on the ground.

Scratch that bit about uniqueness--some days, the Dome just likes to mess with my head.

OoC: Have Ejnar wander around the halls a bit, eventually finding a door that's slightly open somewhere. He should enter, and find himself in a large cafeteria full of teachers. Someone near the door (whom you should create and describe) will tell him that one of the people in the room is most likely his teacher. Having been told that, Ejnar should go around sniffing and observing all the people in the room, trying to find out which is his teacher (feel free to include humor all throughout this!) Make sure to include his thoughts on some of the teachers he observes. He'll finish his search without success. End your post with Ejnar spotting Cadenza entering the cafeteria. 800 words minimum.

[musical zombie.]

OoC: LOOK AT ME IM POSTING BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER PROCRASTINATION WOOHOO
: P

BiC: Ejnar started to wander along the halls. All was quiet, though every now and then a sound was heard from behind one of the various doors; boy, were there a lot of doors! Moving his head back and forth, he examined each one. They all seemed to be made of the same material, same shape, same size, same everything. He decided he'd try and actually get somewhere, rather than wander along these halls forever. Sheathing his claws, he opened a door slowly.

He nearly let out a cub-like yelp as an enormous vine shot out of the door and buried itself in the opposite wall. Buds started to slither out of the larger vine, connected to smaller vines, and they opened to reveal thousands of tiny little teeth. Fascinated, Ejnar stared at it until it started to hiss, and decided that it was time to leave. The vine slithered slowly, almost dejectedly, back into the door and he closed the door quickly, breathing hard. Shaking his head once more, he explored a bit more.

Finding a door that didn't seem so sinister, he turned the knob and opened his mouth to shout a hello to anyone. Suddenly, something flew into his open maw and Ejnar closed it immediately. What in the hell?

Opening his mouth, a small pixie flew out and landed onto his nose. It glowed a green and yellow tint, and was dressed in a small tunic and boots. Crossing his eyes to see correctly, Ejnar looked and saw that it was a female. She gave a little turn of her heel and huff and puff, and flew off into the door. Blinking, he gave off a gruff little growl and slammed the door. Where the hell am I?

As he walked a bit farther down the hall, the vestibules of his archaic mind cranking on, he heard talking and laughing coming from a slightly open door. Nosing it open, he found himself in an enormous cafeteria. Hanging from the ceiling was a beautifully elegant chandelier, the many arms of which were encrusted with jewels of every shape and kind. He noticed it swaying, and saw a few small elves tottering on the very top of it, cheeks flushed from drunkenness. They seemed to be singing some merry little ditty. He felt a tugging at his fur, and looked down irritably to see another one of the elves, this time sober, pulling at his leg, a small piece of parchment in his other hand.

"Mister...mister bear?" The elf stared up at him. "A message, a message!" Annoyed by his tinny little voice, Ejnar brushed him aside with a paw and walked into the room. There were many different people inside the vast cafeteria, of all races, skin colors, builds, sizes...anything you could think of. Padding up to one table, Ejnar tapped a man on his shoulder. "'Scuse me. What is this damned place, anyways?" The man turned around from a sandwich he was eating, and adjusted his spectacles on his wizened little nose. He was an old man, to be sure, and he seemed to be a scholarly one, at that. A long, white beard flowed from his chin and his hair was a regal silver color. Squinting through his small glasses, a smile came to his face. "Jhans? No, that can't be Jhans. But a Panserbjørn, yes, a Panserbjørn!" He smiled once more. Scanning the crowd, he turned back to Ejnar. "Hmm..I suppose she'll teach you.."

Ejnar was getting quite annoyed and tired of this old man, however nice he seemed to be. "Who is supposed to teach me? Who is 'she'?" He winced as the man started to laugh maniacally, and vanished in a puff of smoke. Ejnar growled. Stupid place, with it's stupid.. He shook his head. He seemed to be doing this more often; maybe a method to rid himself of his negative thoughts? Who knew.

He padded slowly over to another table, and tabbed a small woman on her shoulder. She turned around, and winced, grounding her teeth, to see a bear. Ejnar sighed. It was either an insane elder or a frightened woman. Putting on some sort of a smile (though it looked quite like he was in pain), he asked the woman about this strange place. "Could you tell me exactly where I am?" When he spoke, his enormous teeth showed, and the woman let out a little yelp and dashed off, only to hide at another table. Ejnar growled again, and let out a roar that temporarily silenced the cafeteria. Within seconds, though, all were back in comfort, talking as though nothing had happened. Ejnar was on the verge of turning on his heel and just leaving this place, unless he got some hard results.

A dwarvish-looking fellow came up to him, looking much like the elf he had batted away at the start of his strange encounter with this place, though slightly taller and with a more rustic look to him, bowed and pulled a piece of parchment tenderly out of some nook or cranny of his deep red beard. Smiling, he held it up to Ejnar's face. "No!" He yelled out. "I don't want your stupid paper! I want to know where the hell I am!" The dwarven fellow smiled once again, and spoke out in a rough voice. "Why, you're in the Dome, of course! A mystical place, it spans across many universes. I recall a fellow just like yerself, a Panserbjørn, he was. By the name of...what was it, now...Pans? Franz?" He scratched his head. "Oh yes, 'twas Jhans. I suspect Cadenza should be here shortly." Winking mystically, he walked off with a slight swagger. Ejnar felt a little better, knowing where he was and who to look for. Remembering that he didn't really know what this Cadenza person even looked like, he slapped his head. Come on, Ejnar. You're smarter than that, right?

He proceeded to walk through the gigantic cafeteria, asking one after another if he or she (or it, for that matter) went by the name "Cadenza". Getting irritated with this wild goose chase, he began to sound more and more tired and he started to think that this may have been a fruitless search in the first place.

Why did I even have to go into that idiotic golden door in the first place? Wait, don't be stupid, Ejnar. You would've died out there in Svalbard. Even if this is stupid, you're still alive. I just wish I could find this Cadenza person...I'm growing tired of this search.

Coming to the other end of the cafeteria, he suddenly saw a woman walk in with three of those dwarven messengers at her heel. She turned to look at him, and there was a moment when their eyes met; it was realization.

[Altamira]

Alrighty, here we go:

Formatting issue here:

"Mister...mister bear?" The elf stared up at him. "A message, a message!" Annoyed by his tinny little voice, Ejnar brushed him aside with a paw and walked into the room. There were many different people inside the vast cafeteria, of all races, skin colors, builds, sizes...anything you could think of. Padding up to one table, Ejnar tapped a man on his shoulder. "'Scuse me. What is this damned place, anyways?" The man turned around from a sandwich he was eating, and adjusted his spectacles on his wizened little nose. He was an old man, to be sure, and he seemed to be a scholarly one, at that. A long, white beard flowed from his chin and his hair was a regal silver color. Squinting through his small glasses, a smile came to his face. "Jhans? No, that can't be Jhans. But a Panserbjørn, yes, a Panserbjørn!" He smiled once more. Scanning the crowd, he turned back to Ejnar. "Hmm..I suppose she'll teach you.."

Whenever a new person is speaking, or performing an action after someone else has spoken, it's good to start a new paragraph. Applying that rule, this paragraph would look like this:

"Mister...mister bear?" The elf stared up at him. "A message, a message!"

Annoyed by his tinny little voice, Ejnar brushed him aside with a paw and walked into the room. There were many different people inside the vast cafeteria, of all races, skin colors, builds, sizes...anything you could think of. Padding up to one table, Ejnar tapped a man on his shoulder. "'Scuse me. What is this damned place, anyways?"

The man turned around from a sandwich he was eating, and adjusted his spectacles on his wizened little nose. He was an old man, to be sure, and he seemed to be a scholarly one, at that. A long, white beard flowed from his chin and his hair was a regal silver color. Squinting through his small glasses, a smile came to his face.

"Jhans? No, that can't be Jhans. But a Panserbjørn, yes, a Panserbjørn!" He smiled once more. Scanning the crowd, he turned back to Ejnar. "Hmm..I suppose she'll teach you.."

If something about this rule doesn't make sense to you, let me know. It's kind of one of those weird rules with vague principles and inexplicable exceptions that you sort of have to develop a feel for. ^^;;

Try applying this to wherever else you might see this problem.

That's it for errors. Awesome work! I already told you in the OoC how much I liked this piece.

Here's your next lesson:

Have Ejnar and Cadenza formally meet--paying delicate attention to portraying Cadenza's character as best you can, as character portrayal will be our focus this time around. She'll be more polite to Ejnar than she is to the typical student, since he'll remind her of Jhans somewhat, but she will never explicitly mention that detail to him. Have her answer any questions he might have, and while they're talking, have her lead him to a room that she'll eventually identify as the door to his dormitory at the Dome. End your post with Ejnar taking his first step inside--but save the description of the room(s) for your next lesson. ;]