[Altamira] Sukrays Training

[Genshai_GFX]

Sukray walked into a huge temple, with a long glistening white marble, shining in the moonlight. As Sukray walked across it, he nearly slipped as his Angelic Armour was so smooth and could not stick to the floor. He saw a huge statue of a massive woman, Sukray assumed she was some sort of goddess, wearing a long robe and holding a long staff.

why am I here?..., wondered Sukray in thought. He had heard the Mungo Forrest was deadly and had no sort of building in it, as the Mochoko Apes would have made it a wreck. As he turned to leave, he saw he could not, as there was no door. There was only walls and the statue.

[Altamira]

I believe you said you were finished with your post in the homeroom, but ah...you're missing a couple hundred words.

Your first assignment will be to tell how your character arrived at the Dome. Be creative! Make it 400 words minimum. If you're a transfer student, simply have your character be notified that they have a new teacher, but do not have them meet said teacher yet. For that, write 300 words minimum.

At the moment, you have 120 words and haven't explicitly made it to the Dome yet.

[Genshai_GFX]

Didnt see that. Well this is 410 words

Sukray walked into a huge temple, with a long glistening white marble, shining in the moonlight. As Sukray walked across it, he nearly slipped as his Angelic Armor was so smooth and could not stick to the floor. He saw a huge statue of a massive woman, Sukray assumed she was some sort of goddess, wearing a long robe and holding a long staff.

why am I here?..., wondered Sukray in thought. He had heard the Mungo Forest was deadly and had no sort of building in it, as the Mochoko Apes would have made it a wreck. As he turned to leave, he saw he could not, as there was no door. There was only walls and the statue. But it seemed that a couple of other doors had appeared. He rushed through, slightly worried now. The doors seemed to open up to an endless corridor. He ran, for what seemed like hours, but might have only been minutes, until he eventually reached another door. But it was huge, and seemed to be more like a gate.

He entered through and mouthed an 'o'. It looked like some sort of Grand Hall. There were millions of spheres floating around, each with a sort of... area inside. One had a forest, that looked never ending. Another was a huge mountain, Complete with snow, and many clouds floating around. He also saw many others, like desert terrain, and fields. He eventually decided to walk to the nearest one. It was a huge field, with strange creatures inside. When he was within about a meter of it, he was stretched and sucked in. When he eventually felt ground, he felt like he would puke. He overcame this, and looked up. It seemed to be the exact same field he saw a minute ago in the sphere...

Eventually he stopped daydreaming, and stood up. He looked around and saw a sphere behind him. He quickly rushed forward, hoping he would not be stretched again. He seemed to be in the middle of no where. When he focused, he realized that the ‘creatures’ where actually humans, and other civilized animals. Though, he didn’t recognize them all. He saw a group of four, three of them little children and one adult, walk to the sphere and walk through it. He decided to test the sphere and stretched his finger out, and was pulled through again.
When he looked up, there was someone standing over him.

[Altamira]

Okey doke, since my assistant Halcyon Hero is in need of a new student, I have decided that he shall teach you from now on. If you have any questions, post in the homeroom or PM me. :]

[Halcyon Hero]

Alright, not bad. No spelling errors, but you need some help with your grammar. Oh, and try to remember to use "OoC" and "IC".

Sukray walked into a huge temple, with a long glistening white marble, shining in the moonlight.

Two things here: comma usage and incompletion. First, you put in adjectives, but you left out whatever they were describing. I’m guessing a floor, though.

Second, when you list multiple adjectives, you need to separate them with commas. In this case you’d need one between “long” and “glistening white”. You only separate them adjectives from each other, not from the object.

As Sukray walked across it, he nearly slipped as his Angelic Armor was so smooth and could not stick to the floor.

Here, your form is a bit irregular. A comma would work much better than the “as” after “slipped”. Then, you can continue to improve it by taking out “was so” and replacing it with “too”, doing the same with “and could not” with “to”.

He saw a huge statue of a massive woman, Sukray assumed she was some sort of goddess, wearing a long robe and holding a long staff.

Here, you have the subject (the statue) and it’s matching adjectives split. Move the second bolded part up before the bolded comma. Also, the second part of that phrase (Sukray assumed…) is not directly connected to the first (the statue), but directly pertains to it, meaning that bolded comma should be a semicolon.

why am I here?..., wondered Sukray in thought.

Capitalize “why”. And when you have a thought of sentence that trails off in question, you put the question mark after the ellipsis. Also, “wondered” and “in thought” imply the same thing, so having both of them together is a bit redundant. And while it’s not quite wrong to follow thought or speech with Verb-Subject (wondered Sukray), it flows much better with Subject-Verb (Sukray wondered)--in most cases.

Lastly, all thoughts, writing (as in a letter the character is reading), and interjecting sounds should be in italics. (Just the thought, not the action of thinking it.)

There was only walls and the statue.

“Was” should be “were”.

He rushed through, slightly worried now. The doors seemed to open up to an endless corridor.

This part is confusing. What does he rush through? How do all of the doors open up to a single corridor? Elaborate.

He ran, for what seemed like hours, but might have only been minutes, until he eventually reached another door. But it was huge, and seemed to be more like a gate.

That first comma is unnecessary, and should be removed. And “but” should also be removed, seeing as it doesn’t actually discount the door being a door. If that makes sense.

He entered through and mouthed an 'o'.

This part is also confusing. Enter what? Obviously, when you re-read the last few sentences, you understand that you mean the gate-like door, but you shouldn’t have to. Elaborate so that the reader knows you mean the door.

It looked like some sort of Grand Hall.

What did? Specify that the room on the other side of the door is what looks like a Grand Hall.

One had a forest, that looked never ending. Another was a huge mountain, Complete with snow, and many clouds floating around. He also saw many others, like desert terrain, and fields.

All bolded commas are unnecessary, and need to be removed. “Never-ending” should be hyphenated, and “complete” uncapitalized.

He seemed to be in the middle of no where. When he focused, he realized that the ‘creatures’ where actually humans, and other civilized animals. Though, he didn’t recognize them all.

“Nowhere” is one word. Turn that period between “animals” and “though” into a comma to connect the two parts. And the comma after “though” isn’t needed.

He saw a group of four, three of them little children and one adult,

Rather than say he saw a group of four and then elaborate, simplify by just saying he saw a group of three children and one adult.

walk to the sphere and walk through it.

Having “walk” twice in one sentence it redundant, so remove the second one.


Alright, fix those, and I'll give you your next lesson. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whatever you'd like, whether in here or through PM.

[Genshai_GFX]

Sukray walked into a huge temple, with a long glistening white marble pillars, shining in the moonlight. As Sukray walked across it, he nearly slipped, his Angelic Armor too smooth to catch on the floor. He saw a huge statue of a massive woman wearing a long robe and holding a long staff, Sukray assumed she was some sort of goddess.

why am I here...?, Sukray. He had heard the Mungo Forest was deadly and had no sort of building in it, as the Mochoko Apes would have made it a wreck. As he turned to leave, he saw he could not, as there was no door. There were only walls and the statue. But it seemed that another door had appeared beside the godess. He rushed through, slightly worried now. The doors opened up as he stepped close, and they went on forever. He ran, for what seemed like hours, but might have only been minutes, until he eventually reached another door. It was huge, and seemed to be more like a gate.

He entered through the gate-like door and mouthed an 'o'. The room on the other side of the gate looked like some sort of Grand Hall. There were millions of spheres floating around, each with a sort of... area inside. One had a forest that looked never-ending. Another was a huge mountain, Complete with snow, and many clouds floating around. He also saw many others, like desert terrain and fields. He eventually decided to walk to the nearest one. It was a huge field, with strange creatures inside. When he was within about a meter of it, he was stretched and sucked in. When he eventually felt ground, he felt like he would puke. He overcame this, and looked up. It seemed to be the exact same field he saw a minute ago in the sphere...

Eventually he stopped daydreaming, and stood up. He looked around and saw a sphere behind him. He quickly rushed forward, hoping he would not be stretched again. He seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. When he focused, he realized that the ‘creatures’ where actually humans, and other civilized animals, though he didn’t recognize them all. He saw a group of three of them little children and one adult, walk to the sphere and walk through it. He decided to test the sphere and stretched his finger out, and was pulled through again.
When he looked up, there was someone standing over him.


OoC: I also edited a few things. Like the armour cant 'catch' the floor rather than 'stick' to it now, as stick sounds like the armour is sticky.

[Halcyon Hero]

Sukray walked into a huge temple, with a long glistening white marble pillars, shining in the moonlight. As Sukray walked across it, he nearly slipped, his Angelic Armor too smooth to catch on the floor.

Having both “a” and a plural noun is contradictory. And since there’s most likely more than one pillar, take out the “a”. And the comma after “pillars” is unnecessary. Also, the “it” in the second part is misleading. It acts as if it refers to the pillars, which is illogical. Change places with “it” and “floor”.

He saw a huge statue of a massive woman wearing a long robe and holding a long staff, Sukray assumed she was some sort of goddess.

Comma still needs to be changed to a semicolon.

why am I here...?, Sukray.

Capitalize “why”, take out the comma, and add the verb after “Sukray”.

But it seemed that another door had appeared beside the godess.

“Goddess”, with two “d”s.

Another was a huge mountain, Complete with snow, and many clouds floating around.

Un-capitalize “complete”.

He saw a group of three of them little children and one adult, walk to the sphere and walk through it.

Replace that “of” with a comma, and add “an” between “one” and “adult”. Also, using the same verb twice in the same sentence is redundant, so take out the second one.

Yosh~ Fix those (and you can just edit your post, instead of posting again), and move on.

Sukray looks up to find a beautiful young girl standing over him. Have them converse, during which time the girl will point out the massive structure behind them (previously unnoticed by Sukray) and identify it as “the Dome”. She’ll explain what it is, and Sukray’s new role as a stutdent, whether he likes it or not. She’ll then identify herself as an attendant of the Dome (you can name her). Have her lead Sukray into the building and through a vast and complex series of rooms and corridors, describing them along the way. Eventually, they’ll stop at a metal door, with a doorknob in the shape of on owl’s head. Have Sukray enter, but do not go beyond that. Do not describe anything on the other side.

The purpose of this lesson is to test your handle on speech and description. Let’s see some good adjectives and colorful dialog. 800 words minimum.

[Genshai_GFX]

Sukray fell back in shock. He thought, oh no… Ive been caught tresspassing.
The person stuck a hand out. Sukray took it and stood up. He brushed himself off then looked up. He saw a young-ish girl standing their, looking excited. She worse a pink frilly dress and little ballet shoes.
‘who are you?’ asked Sukray, weird-ed out.
‘My name is Reena. Who are you?’ she questioned.
‘my name is Sukray… uh, where are we?’ Sukray asked.
‘hm? Oh, this place is The Dome,’ she replied.
‘The… Dome? Doesn’t look like a dome to me…’ said Sukray.
‘we arent actualy IN The Dome. Its over there,’ she pointed to a huge structure behind her.
‘and how do you know? Do you… work here?’ asked Sukray
‘work here? Oh why else? Only the students and staff are allowed here. Im just an attendant,’ she said, a little sadly.
‘and… why am I here then?’ asked Sukray.
‘oh, for a dumb soldier you sure ask a lot of questions! Silly, you’re a student here!’ she suddenly started to laugh.
‘Student? But, I nev… wait, student for WHAT?’ he shouted quickly, his voice slightly quivering.
‘Its hard to explain. Basicly, we… tell god how to control you here. That is why we call it the dome. A dome represents granduer.'


OoC: havn't finished yet. Just saving it here