[Altamira] Serra's Training

[MaskedLegend]

It was hard hearing the natural beauty around her; hard to hear its soft winds and the leaves rustling around her. The mechanical shifting and gears whizzing almost drowned it out, but Serra accepted the sounds. She looked back at the source of the sounds, her robotic companion. It was a gift from her father, he designed Model X28 or 'Sammy' as she calls him, to watch over her and protect her from harm... or keep her from causing too much harm.

He effortlessly walked next to her, his hologram skin depicting a regular man with blond hair that didn't flow in the wind, blue eyes that stared into space, skin that didn't not bleed or sweat. His blue jacket and jeans were the only things on Sammy that moved with him. Sammy looked completely human with his hologram on which Serra was grateful for. As usual, Sammy did not speak unless the situation called for it. Serra always tried to make him more human by 'training' him with small talk, but she gave up a while ago. It never worked.

She turned back to look at the trail ahead. The constantly elevating road rose higher up a red rocked mountain, curling and curving while ascending to it's peak. Bits of rock fell down the slopes as the duo stepped up the trail. Serra always had been adventurous and she loved these sort of dangerous hikes, especially with Sam to help her if something went amiss. He was the most reliable person Serra has met... well, he's supposed to be that way.

Suddenly, she heard the robot turned his neck to glance at her, then forward to see the trail. "Please, Mistress Serra?" he asked, his voice emphasizing her name as he spoke, his lips perfectly matching the words. "Why are we journeying up the mountain, you have not told me so and it could be detrimental to your safety. I advise we return down before we reach an even more dangerous zone."

Serra couldn't help but smile a little. "It's all right, Sam. You can take care of me, right?" she asked, knowing his answer.

"Of course Mistress Serra, but-," he started before Serra interrupted.

"We can keep going and I won't get hurt, don't worry!"

He remained silent as the continued upward, the trail going higher and getting a little more narrow as they passed. Serra herself didn't know why they were climbing other than boredom. Still, this wasn't an unusual thing for her to do. She always liked exploring nature and seeing its wonders first-hand. There wasn't much else to do on the trail with an emotionless walking tin can.

They trekked onward and upward, continuing to the mountain's peak. Soon, the path narrowed so much that Serra was almost forced to either sidle across the ledges of the the mountain or climb it. She knew she would have to climb it since the mountain path almost stopped, not near the peak yet so she cautiously stepped to flat sort of platform on the mountain where the path halted. She looked up, seeing that her last option had become her only one.

Serra kicked up her left leg on a large stone, embedded in the mountain wall and hoisted herself up, reaching for a ledge with her hands and then pulling herself up, repeating it until so drew near the edge. Serra occasionally looked down, seeing Sam hoist his body up faster than she could, right behind her. She looked back up, seeing nothing but the red, rocky mountain wall and the sky.

After a long while, she reached the peak of the mountain, almost a perfect ninety degree angle climb to it. Without even relying on her powers, she scaled it and sighed, in both exhaustion and relief. Sam soon lifted himself up and immediately took his place next to Serra, staring off into the sky.

"Beautiful, ain't it?" Serra asked, sitting back and doing her best to catch her breath and relax.

"Yes, it looks quite tranquil, Mistress Serra," he replied, standing still and still looking forward. "Should we head back down now, Mistress Serra? It will be dusk in approximately an hour."

"All right, after a bit," she responded, lying on her back and gazing at the changing sky as the sun set, seeing the sky blue morph into an orange hue. She stood up and looked around the peak. It was rather flat and there were actually large trees taking root up here. Some times, a bird would chirp but there was no other sound besides Sam.

Then Serra noticed something behind the trees. It was huge... it looked like some sort of building, except it was round and curved. She wandered closer, brushing tree limbs aside, in amazed curiosity. As she neared closer, Sam trailing her, she stopped to gaze. It was a domed structure, made of a black material, almost looking like obsidian or something of the sort.

There was a door, or it looked like a door at least. Two slabs of that black material met together with depressions in them like handles. Serra shuffled closer, inching herself toward the door. She felt the door's handles, her hands shivering at the touch of the stone. After pulling on the door as hard as she could, it finally budged open and Serra took her first steps inside the Dome.

[Altamira]

Sorry for the delay. Let's get movin' here:

Sentence structure issue here:

It was hard hearing the natural beauty around her, hard to hear its soft winds and the leaves rustling around her.

This sentence needs a little more than a comma to connect these two independent clauses (parts of a sentence that could stand alone) together. The simplest method, and the one I'd elect to use, is a semicolon, so that it reads as:

It was hard hearing the natural beauty around her; hard to hear its soft winds and the leaves rustling around her.

Bit of awkwardness here:

It was a gift from her father, he designed Model X28 or 'Sammy' as Serra calls him, to watch over her and protect her from harm... or keep her from causing too much harm.

This sentence follows Serra's thoughts as she looks back at Sammy--or at least, it gives me that impression. You're narrating what she remembers about how her dad gave her Sammy. With that thought in mind, it sounds strange to have her use "Serra" in this memory of hers--you would be better off using "she" here instead. Replace "Serra" with "she" and read the sentence in context--it flows better, right? ^^;;

Another issue with sentence structure (and verb tense) here:

He effortlessly walked next to her, his hologram skin depicted a regular man with blond hair that didn't flow in the wind, blue eyes that stared into space, skin that didn't not bleed or sweat, blue jacket and jeans were the only things on Sammy that moved with him.

The word "depicted" should be changed to "depicting", to improve the flow of the sentence. Using "depicted" here makes that clause independent and therefore makes it need more to connect it to the earlier piece with him walking towards her. Read it aloud--can you hear the issue? Once you switch it to "depicting", that problem is fixed.

The other error here is the second part I've bolded--this is another clause (or part of a sentence) that is independent. You can either make it a whole new sentence on its own, or change the comma preceding it to a semicolon.

I'll take one of your later sentences right now to show you the difference between a dependent and an independent clause:

From a moderate distance, he looked completely human.

The bolded part is a dependent clause--alone, it cannot be a complete sentence, because it has no subject or predicate (action/verb). It's merely a modifier, adding some detail or information to the independent clause that follows. The unbolded part, "He looked completely human," could be a sentence on its own, however simple it is. That's what makes it an independent clause. And, basically speaking, to connect two independent clauses together, you need to use a semicolon ( ; ), a colon ( ; ), or a comma and a conjunction ("Tommy ate a sandwich, and he drank some juice.")

Let me know if you need any of this explained further. ;]

I'll continue on with the grading once you show me that you've grasped the basic concept of what I've told you and fix the errors I've pointed out thus far.

[MaskedLegend]

Ok, I've finally edited everything (sorry for the wait too) and I'm ready for the next part of training.

[Altamira]

I...can't tell exactly where in the piece I left off in my evaluation, so we'll move on. Any problems that were not just one-time mistakes should present themselves again later for fixing. ;]

Assignment time!

As Serra and Sam walk into the lobby, they'll slowly come to realize that the whole room has been reversed--the ceiling is the floor, with chandeliers scattered about that one could bump into, and vice versa. Confused and disoriented, the pair should hurry out into one of the connecting hallways, only to find that the situation is the same there. Describe Serra's thoughts as she and Sam become lost in the twisted hallways of the Dome, eventually having them meet up with some Dome-employed mages that they learn have flipped the place to work on the lights. Serra should ask these mages where she is, and any other questions she might have. 500 words minimum.