[Altamira] Incathuga Sateerag's Training

[Majora the Zora]

As Incathuga walked around the tenth planet he had warped to that day, he noticed that there was very little, if any, sentient life on the surface. He sighed and thought to himself, It’s been a few months and I still haven’t found any clue to Celevescent’s location. I’ve checked every planet in the Western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way and nothing had intelligent life; even Earth, the place Maguses told me to search first, only had a few humans that couldn’t even get a person to the nearest planet.

"There’s not much use walking around here, and I can’t warp anywhere else, so I guess I should just set up camp.”

After a few minutes of walking, Incathuga saw the ruins of an old palace. He decided to stay in a small room on the palace’s east end after reinforcing the ceiling with a few blocks of darkness. He ate his dinner of stale bread and tried to get some rest so he could recharge his magic.

After about three hours of sleep Incathuga woke up from a nightmare of his wife being tortured by a man he couldn’t clearly see. Good, just a dream. Daenotsu will pay when I find him. He can’t be too far away; I’ve searched every planet in this arm for him.

There was a sudden movement and a young man, about eighteen years old, came into view. He had short, light blue hair, tanned skin, and eyes that looked like they were covered in frost. “Sialgus, you’re alive? How? I saw you die, you can’t be back.”

“But I am, and I’ve come to take revenge.” Sialgus prepared an ice spell to kill Incathuga.

“Why? You helped me by telling me about Daenotsu. I’m going to avenge you by killing him! There’s no way you’d attack me unless,” Incathuga thought for a moment, “you must be an imposter.”

“Quite a bit smarter than you look,” Sialgus said in a much lower pitched voice. “I thought I might be able to guilt you into dying.”

Sialgus transformed into a short, middle-aged man with gray eyes and receding brown hair. “You’ve been making me move your wife quite a bit.”

“Daenotsu? I’ll kill you for taking my wife!” Incathuga pulled out his daggers and ran to slash Daenotsu, but ended up slicing through smoke.

“A simple illusion, the same with this one. If you wish to find the real me you’ll need to train. I recommend the dome. There is an entrance to the north.”

“Why are you helping me? Aren’t you my enemy?”

“Yes, I’m your enemy, but fighting someone as weak as you wouldn’t be any fun, would it?”

“Good point, I guess I could use some training. Just an idea though, if you want to talk to me again, at least tell the truth when talking about illusions. I can tell a real person from smoke after a few seconds of talking.”

At this point Incathuga spun around and fired a beam of energy from his sword, which hit Daenotsu in the chest, making him stumble back before warping away. So, this dome is to the north. I’ll find it in the morning.

After a full night’s sleep, Incathuga set off for the dome. When he reached its gates at about noon, he stopped and pulled out his left hand dagger in case he had to defend himself. I guess this is it. I just hope I can find Daenotsu early after this training. I don’t want to leave Cel waiting.

OoC: It seemed a bit shorter than I usually write, but it should work. From now on I might call Celevescent “Cel” for short.

[Altamira]

I have decided that my teacher's assistant Dakota will be taking care of your teaching. If you have any questions, let me know. ;]

[Awkin]

...No problems? Alrighty! I'd just like to say what a good backstory your character has. It's quite gripping.

Something we do in the Amphitheater is split each section of speech into a separate paragraph -- it makes it easier to understand. So this:

“Good point. I guess I could use some training. Just an idea: if you want to talk to me again, at least tell the truth when talking about illusions. I can tell a real person from smoke after a few seconds of talking.” At this point Incathuga spun around and fired a beam of energy from his sword, which hit Daenotsu in the chest, making him stumble back before warping away. “So, this dome is to the north. I’ll find it in the morning.”

Should ideally be more like this:

“Good point. I guess I could use some training. Just an idea: if you want to talk to me again, at least tell the truth when talking about illusions. I can tell a real person from smoke after a few seconds of talking.”

At this point Incathuga spun around and fired a beam of energy from his sword, which hit Daenotsu in the chest, making him stumble back before warping away.

“So, this dome is to the north. I’ll find it in the morning.”

Something else that's strange about your writing, is that Incathuga thinks everything out loud, like he's reading from a book. This makes the writing somewhat flat. But it's easily remedied -- try having some of it said as normal text, and interject his thoughts and feelings throughout.

For instance:

As Incathuga walked around the tenth planet he had warped to that day, he noticed that there was very little, if any, sentient life on the surface. He sighed and thought to himself, “It’s been a few months and I still haven’t found any clue to Celevescent’s location. I’ve checked every planet in the Western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way and nothing had intelligent life; even Earth, the place Maguses told me to search first, only had a few humans that couldn’t even get a person to the nearest planet. There’s not much use walking around here, and I can’t warp anywhere else, so I guess I should just set up camp.”

Could become:

As Incathuga walked around the tenth planet he had warped to that day, he noticed that there was very little, if any, sentient life on the surface. It’s been a few months and he still haven’t found any clue to Celevescent’s location. He's checked every planet in the Western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way and nothing had intelligent life. Even Earth, the place Maguses told Inacthuga to search first, only had a few humans that couldn’t even get a person to the nearest planet.

"There’s not much use walking around here, and I can’t warp anywhere else, so I guess I should just... set up camp.”

Do you see what I did, and why it helped? I broke up the wall of text and tried to make it more interesting by using different formats.

If you understand everything I've told you, please try and apply those the best you can to the post above. If you don't, post here with any queries. Either way -- post to tell me you're done.

[Majora the Zora]

I changed his thoughts to italics and split the paragraphs so he had only one thought or line of talking paired with each line of action. If I only had action, thought, or speech in each paragraph it would be a lot of one or two sentence paragraphs, and I think those are a bit worse than walls of writing because it would have too much scrolling.

[Altamira]

Originally Posted by Majora the Zora

I changed his thoughts to italics and split the paragraphs so he had only one thought or line of talking paired with each line of action. If I only had action, thought, or speech in each paragraph it would be a lot of one or two sentence paragraphs, and I think those are a bit worse than walls of writing because it would have too much scrolling.

The short paragraphs are a bit easier to read and follow than those walls of writing. You can easily lose your place in some of those. <_<

Here's your next assignment:

Upon arriving, Incathuga will find that the gates of the Dome are inexplicably sealed. Discovering that they are too strong to break down, and that their smooth design doesn't allow for any climbing, he must become more creative and find another way to enter the complex, which has all sorts of aggressive creatures patrolling about, and other sorts of dangers he may have never encountered before. End your post with him finally making it inside. 600 words minimum.

[Majora the Zora]

OOC: You forgot he could warp? Don’t worry; he won’t be warping into the dome. Xildanus was Incathuga’s magic teacher who controlled fire; Maguses controlled lightning. Sorry about the length, I just couldn’t stop writing.

BIC: Incathuga pushed on the gates. Crap, they’re sealed from the inside. Maybe I could warp in. He tried to warp but couldn’t, most likely because of a spell stopping warping near the gates. Probably put it on the dome too. If they’re a teaching establishment, why are they keeping everyone out?

Incathuga looked around and saw a steep cliff he might be able to climb. He stuck a hand into his cloak and pulled out a dark blue bag tied with yelow string. After digging through the bag he took out a hookshot he had found in Hyrule a few weeks earlier while searching Lake Hylia.

He started shooting the hookshot at rock near the top of the wall. It stuck to the fourth rock he tried, but it was slipping fast. That may not be the best idea. I could climb with my daggers, but the cliff might break before I got up. The hookshot decided to retract, so he put it back in the bag and pulled out his other dagger and stuck it in the cliff. Well, I don’t have much of a choice now. He started climbing, using the daggers as handholds.

When he got to the top, he looked around. There was a building several miles north of the gates, but between them there were four equally spaced walls. The walls were red, yellow, dark blue, and light blue. Incathuga couldn’t see past the walls, but he had a feeling he knew what was beyond them.

After he jumped over the gate Incathuga ran to a door in the red wall ahead of him. He felt it with the back of his hand. Definitely fire behind this. I wish I had Xildanus here to calm the flames.

After grabbing a blue pendant from his bag and putting it around his neck, he opened the door and felt the heat pour out of the maze of fire and lava. Even with Sialgus’s cooling pendant this is insane. There are walls of fire eight feet tall and I can’t make a wall high enough to jump over them. He started walking through the maze, sensing for any enemies around the corners, hoping they would show him the right direction, but there was nothing in the maze but him. Whenever he found a dead-end he blocked it with a wall of darkness, so he eventually found the exit by process of elimination. When he exited the maze he sensed dozens of life forms waiting for him on the other side of the wall. He pulled out his right katana and left dagger, putting the latter in a defensive position.

When he entered the next room, he was greeted by a man in a red robe. “Good morning. I wasn’t expecting you to finish that challenge so easily. I should really modify the maze.”

“You should put in a few enemies. Process of elimination is very easy if there’s no one to distract you.”

“No, that would be cruel. This is the fighting test for the fire portion. After this you have six more, unless the other teachers combined fighting and navigation. Since you’re ready we can begin.” The man summoned a hundred fire keese to fight Incathuga.

“Flaming bats? How long before they burn up?” One of the keese fell to the ground, nothing but a charred body now. “Should be easy enough to win, just outlast them all.” He started attacking a few of them and more kept burning to nothing, so they had all died in under a minute.

“That was just the first section. There are two more before you fail.” The man then summoned several magtails. Incathuga shot each in the eye and cleared them all with one slash.

“Too easy. What do you have next for me to humiliate?”

“Next I have the last fire enemy. Meet my friend...Volvagia.” The man brought out a fang from his robe and threw it into the air. Volvagia grew from the fang and the arena changed to have sixteen holes. “You might need a hammer for him.”

“No, I’m fine without one.” Volvagia came out of one of the holes and Incathuga dashed to the dragon with his katana outstretched, slicing off his enemy's head in one hit. “So, is that a pass?”

The man stared at his creatures’ bodies. “No one has ever beaten Volvagia that easily. You aced this test. Now go on to the next test and pass all of those.”

Incathuga entered the next door and saw hundreds of blue chuchus in a maze of electric fences. Of course, electricity. You should’ve taught me more about this, Maguses. Incathuga started shooting the chuchus and going through the maze the same way as the last one. When he reached the end a woman in a yellow robe greeted him.

“Good morning. You must be Incathuga, the man who took out Volvagia in one hit. Congratulations on making it this far. Would you like some lunch?”

“No thanks, I’d like to finish this battle first. Go ahead and summon whatever monster you want to.”

“The chuchus were the enemy for this test, and you took each one out too easily. Making you fight would simply waste energy. Have some food, you’ll need your energy for the next test.”

“Let me guess, a water maze?”

“No, you have to sail around a tornado.”

“I think I’ll have a sandwich then.”

After a quick lunch Incathuga entered the next door and saw a lake with a tornado in the middle of it. Instead of getting in the boat provided he made a bridge and walked across it. Far too easy. I hope the battle is harder. He entered the door and a man in a dark blue robe greeted him.

“Good job, young man. You only have three tests to go before you can enter the dome. Now you must fight a monster called Morpha. It’s a bit hard to hit, so you can use this hookshot.”

“No thanks, I have my own. Bring on the monster.” The man summoned Morpha when Incathuga was getting out the hookshot. Morpha barely missed him with its first attack, but Incathuga managed to beat it a couple of slashes. “That was a bit too easy. Will the next challenge be as simple?”

“No, the ice challenge is always the hardest.”

“Good. I was starting to wonder whether this was worth postponing my search.” Incathuga entered the next room and saw nothing challenging, only a floor of ice and several freezards.

Nothing challenging about this, just a bunch of freezards and a frozen floor. I guess this won’t be the best challenge. He walked to a plaque on the opposite wall and read it:

This test is to see if you can step on each square meter of ice only once. Once you get off of one it will fall, and they must all fall and each freezard must die for the final door to open. To begin, enter the door to your right.

Incathuga did so and was immediately stunned by the size of the room. He looked around and saw the freezards, several rocks in the floor, and strong iron bars on the door. First, he shot all of the freezards to eliminate any danger. Then he made a platform and hovered above the start to make a map. After studying the map for several minutes he had a route that would end up with every tile broken and him at the door. He took that path and the bars retreated, allowing him to enter the last room in this chain.

A young woman, still in her teens, greeted Incathuga. “Congratulations on making it through all of the entrance tests, you passed with flying colors. The dome is still a quarter mile away from here, so you should start running if you want to be there by dinner. Someone will meet you later to show you around to all of the major areas. The cafeteria is on your right as soon as you enter.”

“Thanks” was the only response Incathuga gave and he started a dash to the entrance. He made it inside the dome and stopped to catch his breath. He had finally made it to the dome.

[Altamira]

Originally Posted by Majora the Zora

OOC: You forgot he could warp? Don’t worry; he won’t be warping into the dome. Xildanus was Incathuga’s magic teacher who controlled fire; Maguses controlled lightning. Sorry about the length, I just couldn’t stop writing.

Bah, yes, I apologize. Should have checked for skills like that beforehand, but I just liked the idea and he was one of the few students who didn't just walk straight in, so I thought I could use it. Maybe they aren't any shadows around to use? Blah. <_<

I'll grade this soon--and don't worry about the length.

[Majora the Zora]

I'm thinking there could be a spell on the grounds like at Hogwarts so there's no warping. That was a fun assignment anyway, maybe because there was a limit on skills he could use; I hope the next one is as fun to write.

[Altamira]

Sorry for such a long wait. <_<

Here we go:

Firstly, I'd like to point out an issue here, albeit a slightly picky one:

Incathuga pushed on the gates. Crap, they’re sealed from the inside. Maybe I could warp in. He tried to warp, but couldn’t because of a spell stopping warping near the gates. Probably put it on the dome too. If they’re a teaching establishment, why are they keeping everyone out?

The bolded sentence sounds too certain--too sure of exactly what's preventing him. This is third-person voice, but it's still following after Incathuga as he's discovering things and experiencing things himself. I think it would be better written as follows:

He tried to warp, but couldn’t--apparently there was some sort of spell that prevented warping near the gates.

You don't have to go with that exact structure, but change it around so that there isn't just a bland statement of fact there.

Another slightly picky error here:

Incathuga looked around and saw a steep cliff he might be able to climb. He stuck a hand into his cloak and pulled out a bag. After digging through the bag, which was dark blue and tied at the top with a yellow string, he took out a hookshot he had found in Hyrule a few weeks earlier.

The description inserted here is sort of unnecessary, and the way it's done messes with the flow of the sentence. I'd remove it altogether, or integrate it more smoothly, like this:

Incathuga looked around and saw a steep cliff he might be able to climb. He stuck a hand into his cloak and pulled out a bag of dark blue cloth and yellow string. After digging through the bag, he took out a hookshot he had found in Hyrule a few weeks earlier.

This way, the bag's described when it's first mentioned, and it's a little less intrusive to the action--we aren't stuck with a description of how it looks while we're waiting to see what it contains.

Noun-pronoun agreement error here:

I could climb with my daggers, but it might break before I got up.

The word "daggers" is plural, and therefore the pronoun used to refer to them should be "they" and not the singular "it". If you have any questions about that, let me know.

That's all for specific errors. All in all, your ideas for this were great, but I would have liked to see a bit more description about all of the challenges and fights, however brief they were. Dakota's already returned, so I'll allow him to give you your next lesson once you've corrected the errors I spoke of.

[Majora the Zora]

All right, I edited all of those mistakes and proofread it again. "It" was refering to the cliff, but I see how that might not be clear enough. Describing mazes is rather difficult, and the battles were all over in a few seconds, so those would be hard to add detail to.

[Awkin]

You've got quite a good storyline going here -- I'd like you to take this forth and see where it goes. I'll step in after the next, if that's alright with you.

A cop out? Naw. Not here.

[Majora the Zora]

OOC: Sorry I prodded you too much, Dakota, but the weather here’s just messing with my head. I start arguing and yell at everyone whenever it changes between clear and rainy, and it been changing quite a bit. I understand that you have a real life, but even a small assignment like this would have been good earlier. And I wasn’t actually thinking of a storyline at all with the other two assignments. This is exactly 1200 words without this OOC section.

BIC: After having dinner in the cafeteria, Incathuga started walking through the halls and hoping someone would come. His hood was covering his eyes and hair because so many people were staring at him while he was eating. After a few minutes he found a girl about twelve years old crying outside a classroom with a stuffed bear in her lap. The girl looked tall and thin, and she had brown hair and green eyes. The bear seemed familiar to Incathuga, like it had been enchanted by Cel, but he knew that couldn’t be right.

The warrior knelt down to talk to the girl. “Is something wrong?”

The girl looked up and stared at Incathuga for a second. He looked back down and started talking between sobs. “It’s magic class. I came to learn to use magic, but I can’t even make a weak barrier.”

“Magic? Did you get a seed at birth? It’s rare to have magic users unless they had someone give them a bit of magic when they were young.”

“My mom said she had someone give me a bit at birth, but I met the person she hired and I doubt he did. He seemed too evil to give me any of his power.”

“I thought that might be the case. I could give you a chunk of my power if you’re fine with dark magic.”

“I’d love dark magic, if you’re really fine with giving me some.”

“Of course I’ll give you some, but first I have a question for you. Who enchanted the bear you’re holding?”

“It was a girl who called herself Celevescent. She came here and asked if I’d seen a man with pitch black hair and eyes who wields a shifting sword. She also said something about a man named Daenotsu.”

“Do you know where she went? I need to find her.”

“After she gave me the bear a man warped in and warped her back out. He looked the man who was supposed to give me magic. I’m sorry I can’t be much more help.”

“Don’t worry; you’ve been more than enough help. Now hold out your hand and relax.” The girl did so and Incathuga grabbed her hand and focused magic into her so it could grow. “You should be able to use magic in a couple of days now. It won’t be very strong, but it should grow fast enough for some decent defensive spells in about a week.”

“Thanks. My name’s Fientzi. I hope I see you soon.” The girl stood up and Incathuga did the same, accidentally moving his hood when he did so and revealing his hair and eyes.

“I had a feeling you were the guy she was looking for. You can keep her bear; just give it back when you find her.”

Two days later, Incathuga saw Fientzi reading and trying some magic with various results in the cafeteria, so he walked up and started talking to her. “I see you’ve been practicing. I wasn’t expecting you to make spells like that for at least four days.”

“Well, I need to catch up with the rest of my class. We have a test in three days on this chapter over combat spells. My teacher still hasn’t quizzed me on this because she’s been out since before I could use any noticeable magic, so I could use some help.”

“I’d be glad to help you. I know a great practice room that no one will use. Just follow me after lunch.”

After their lunches they walked north for a bit. When Incathuga stopped, they were nowhere near a door.

“Why did you stop?”

“We’re here.” He then placed a hand on the wall and a door about four feet wide and seven feet tall appeared. It was black except for a few dark red spots that looked almost like blood.

“Are you sure we should use this room to practice? It looks...cursed.”

“Don’t worry about curses. I had someone check this room and there’s nothing wrong with it.” They entered the room, a dark, circular training ground. “Throw me your book.”

Fientzi obliged. “We’re on chapter three. My test will probably be on the first part, but I think I can do everything in the chapter.”

“Good. Could you show me your best wall of dark matter?” Fientzi did so and Incathuga pulled out a katana.

“Wait, are you going to attack my wall?”

“It’s the best way to test it.” The swordsman took his blade in both hands and stabbed the wall at full force. “Very good. Most of my opponent’s walls break after one well placed stab. Let’s see exactly how strong it is.” Incathuga started stabbing again, but even after twenty hits the wall was still standing.

“That’s way too good. Twenty hits should bring down any magic wall. How much have you been practicing?”

“I haven’t been practicing on walls that much, but I think walls decrease damage from their element, and you’re using a dark-based sword.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, but it’s still amazing for someone who just got their magic.” Incathuga looked at the next page and seemed surprised at what he saw. “Weapons? They’re teaching you how to make weapons using magic?”

“Of course. Didn’t your school teach you how to do it?”

“No, but I’d like to see what you can do with it. I rely mostly on these swords, and a spell to make weapons could be useful in the future.”

“Okay, but I’m not very good.” Fientzi focused a bit and a rapier appeared in front of her. “That’s as good as I can do right now. You have to think about the weapon you want and focus your energy into it.”

Incathuga tried to do so and made a claymore. “That’s pretty nice, but it drains quite a bit of energy. Show me your sword skills.”

“We aren’t going to be tested on our fighting.”

“I figured you wouldn’t, but it’s a very good skill to have. Hit me once and I know you’ll pass the test.” Incathuga put his claymore into a defensive position and signaled that he was ready.

Fientzi put up her rapier and pulled out two daggers. “Well then, one hit even if it doesn’t pierce your armor? Sounds good to me.” She started attacking swiftly, almost hitting Incathuga once but being blocked at the last moment.

“You’re good, but you need to defend,” Incathuga said while circling Fientzi. He suddenly jumped forward to attack and was blocked by one of Fientzi’s walls. Fientzi then warped behind him and slashed his back.

“And you need to watch out for traps. Would you call that a pass?”

“With flying colors.” Incathuga put away the claymore and grabbed Fientzi’s book. “Warping isn’t in the third chapter, is it?”

“Nope, the basics are in the fifth, but I decided it was more important than making weapons since I have these daggers.”

“Well, I have assignments to do now. Find me if you need help with something.” Incathuga gave Fientzi the book and walked out of the room, glad that he had gained a possible ally.

[Altamira]

All right, here we go!

Small formatting error here:

“Thanks. My name’s Fientzi. I hope I see you soon.” The girl stood up and Incathuga did the same, accidentally moving his hood when he did so and revealing his hair and eyes. “I had a feeling you were the guy she was looking for. You can keep her bear; just give it back when you find her.”

This reads in a somewhat confusing way, because Incathuga was the last one to act, but Fientzi is the one that speaks after. To remedy this, I'd start a new paragraph for the dialogue (which is a general rule for dialogue--starting new paragraphs whenever a new speaker begins or someone else interrupts their dialogue with an action.)

It should look like this:

“Thanks. My name’s Fientzi. I hope I see you soon.” The girl stood up and Incathuga did the same, accidentally moving his hood when he did so and revealing his hair and eyes.

“I had a feeling you were the guy she was looking for. You can keep her bear; just give it back when you find her.”

And a general stylistic thing I noticed:

“It’s the best way to test it.” Incathuga took his blade in both hands and stabbed the wall at full force. “Very good. Most of my opponent’s walls break after one well placed stab. Let’s see exactly how strong it is.” Incathuga started stabbing again, but even after twenty hits the wall was still standing.

This is just an example of something that carries on throughout much of the piece--everytime you state something that Incathuga does/says/etc., you use his name (or occasionally "he") and it gets very repetitive after a while. More so if the post is read aloud. I understand that you want to make sure we know who's doing the action when you're describing his interactions with another character and all, but I'd suggest finding two or three titles of some sort to substitute some of the "Incathuga"s with, even if it's something as simple as "the man".

Anything that can easily be identified as a title that refers to him and him alone in the post is good--if there's not another man in the post, then use "the man", if there's not another mage, then "the mage", and so forth. You can even use a single adjective before to make it more specific to him, sort of like those epithets you'd find in old Greek epics like "the gray-eyed goddess" for Athena.

That's all for nitpicks/errors. Great job--I really liked how Incathuga got to play "teacher" in this to Fientzi, and she was characterized well enough and had enough of an air of mystery that I feel like we might see her again later, but I can't possibly guess what might happen then. :]

Now, for your next assignment:

It's time for Incathuga to formally meet one of his teachers--or at least, the one who's in charge of the assistant that will eventually teach him (we're going to have this placed before the HRIC, so don't worry about conflicts with that.) He'll find Mrs. Madrigal-Valentia and her dragon Avello in the Dome's largest garden, running flight drills with a group of students who all own dragons of their own of various breeds. She will already know who he is and more of his history than she lets on--and she'll challenge him to an aerial battle above the gardens, on the dragons. The rules are simple--first to knock their opponent off their dragon mount wins--and no magic is allowed.

Have Incathuga accept, and choose one of the dragons present as his ride; Cadenza will, of course, use Avello. Describe their contest in detail--and keep it fairly lighthearted, as this battle's for fun. End your post with Incathuga's eventual fair defeat (how he loses is up to you.) ;P

There is no word minimum for this--but I would like to see you try applying the title thing I mentioned earlier in this post.

[Majora the Zora]

OOC: 654 words, a bit shorter than I like. I'm not sure if I got Cadenza's personality right or not. I don't do very well with fights or personalities, so this probably isn't as good as it should be. I have a feeling that the ending isn't quite good enough, but I don't know what Cadenza would say next.

I'm actually thinking about making Fientzi a character, but I'm having trouble getting a good bio for her. I have one made, but it seems too short. Until I make a good bio she'll just be a recurring character in Inky's training.

BIC: As Incathuga walked the seemingly endless halls of the Dome he wondered whether someone would give him a tour of it like the last examiner had said would happen. It’s been several days and I still haven’t had anyone tell me who my teacher is. This school should be more organized. He came to an open door and saw that it led to a large garden, so he went out to get some fresh air.

When the blade mage looked up in the garden he saw a group of dragons flying far above him and following a violet dragon. The leader glided down to land and the other five dragons followed; two of them landed perfectly but the other three seemed to have more of a controlled crash.

“All right, you’re all dismissed. Artemis and Lysalis, leave Tenuto and Dorphaen here,. I want to look at them for a moment,” said the dark-haired woman who rode the first dragon.

“Of course, Miss Madrigal,” replied the students when they jumped off of their dragons, the two that landed right. All of the students left and Incathuga was about to follow, but the woman stopped him before he could take a step.

“Not you, you’re not in that class. You are Incathuga Sateerag, right?”

“Yes, why do you ask?”

“I need to test you. It would have been bad if I had gotten the wrong student.”

“Okay, how do you know my name?”

“A very reliable source told me. They also told me a bit more about you, mainly several crimes that have been committed near you. Now, about that test...I challenge you to a battle on these dragons. The rules are simple: the first person knocked off their dragon loses and no magic is allowed.”

No magic? I guess most of mine would be useless in the sun anyway, so I might as well accede. “Well then, I guess I accept, Miss Madrigal.”

“Good. You can use either Tenuto or Dorphaen.” Cadenza mounted Avello while Incathuga looked at the dragons: the smooth, blue Tenuto with wings about ten feet across, and the smaller, scalier, red Dorphaen.

“I’ll go with the blue one.”

“He reminds you of someone special, doesn’t he? Well, don’t just stand around, get on him. Tenuto will do most of the work.” The warrior jumped on and pulled out a katana, wielding it with one hand while hanging on to Tenuto with the other.

Both dragons jumped up and flew in opposite directions. The gypsy pulled out her bow and started firing arrows while Avello flew towards Tenuto and his rider. The blue dragon rolled to avoid the arrows, but stopped when he sensed his rider wasn’t used to flying. Tenuto flew closer to the violet dragon and Incathuga managed to hit the gypsy, but he lost balance and couldn’t knock Cadenza off. The woman took this chance to kick Incathuga off of his mount.

As the warrior fell the hundred feet to the ground, he realized he didn’t have a chance of surviving the fall unless something caught him and slowed his descent very soon. Before he could finish that thought, however, he landed on Dorphaen and the dragon started to slow down. The swordsman was stunned by his luck and looked at his guardian to find a familiar face.

“Nice fall, Incathuga. If I hadn’t been flying Lysalis’s dragon you’d probably be dead,” said the rider.

“I’d have warped to safety at the last second. I would have needed great timing though, so I see why you were hovering there, Fientzi. Shouldn’t you be getting to class right now?”

“No, I don’t have class at the moment. It’s lucky I don’t because you’d be in danger right now if I did.”

“I guess so.” The swordsman turned to face Cadenza, who had just landed. “I’ve never ridden a dragon before, so I wasn’t at my best. I do much better on the ground.”

[Altamira]

Don't worry--fights and personality portrayal will be something we will work on. Cadenza's personality was, yes, off in this, but that's okay. This is your first time writing her, and she's a difficult character even if it wasn't your first. ^^;;

I've spoken to Awkin about his TA duties, and he has said he will resume them on the weekend, so I will leave the evaluation of this assignment to him unless asked by him otherwise, 'kay? Sorry for the delay. <_<

[Awkin]

Ooooookay. I was really impressed with this piece -- you've used our advice and come quite a distance. I found personalities and fights hard early on as well, but as you write more and start to develop a style, you'll find they become easier. Who's your favorite author?

There's one thing I'd like you to do with each piece of writing you do from now on: If possible, once you finish writing it, leave it for a day. Then come back to it the day after, and read it through again -- bettering and making corrections. Seeing it in a new light, I find, lets you see things and make improvements that raise the overall quality of a post enormously.

And I think this post was quite well done anyway. Something you should watch out for, though, is repetition of words. Something you rarely see is the same word used twice to mean the same thing is close proximity to one another. Such as:

No magic? I guess most of my magic would be useless anyway, so I might as well accept. “Well then, I guess I accept, Miss Madrigal.”

Using accept twice, it would work better if you replaced one of those 'accepts' with another word of th same meaning --- if you struggle, try using an online thesaurus.

No magic? I guess most of my magic would be useless anyway, so I might as well play along. “Well then, I guess I accept, Miss Madrigal.”

And here:

As the warrior fell the hundred feet to the ground, he realized he didn’t have a chance of surviving the fall unless something caught him and slowed his descent very soon. Luckily, Dorphaen was flying under the battle and had someone riding her, watching to see who would fall. The red dragon caught Incathuga on her back and made a soft landing right before Avello did.

Instead of, perhaps, simply stating the fact that 'Luckily, Dorphaen was flying under the battle and had someone riding her, watching to see who would fall' you could show the fall from Incathuga's point of view -- having him hit the dragon first, and then letting him explore the situation he finds himself in, which would me inkeeping with the very in-character aspect of the post.

I'm trying to make you explore new aspects of writing, building up new skills. Do these, (and don't hesitate to fix anything else you find!) and I'll set you your next assignment ^__^.