[Shrub] Deimos

[adad64]

Deimos ran through a freezing blizzard. Wind and snow pierced his body. Deimos trudged on, shivering through the huge, snowy mountain. Deimos was running away. He had been enslaved for the second time. This time it had been for 10 years. Imp's were usually forced to be bound to a demon for long periods of time, until they were released, or managed to overpower the demon. Some weren't free until they became demons, after 3 millenia. Deimos, however, managed to keep away from all of that, using his extraordinary skill and talent in magic to keep the demons at bay. He was even stronger than some demons. But not this one.

He had been humiliated, his power stolen, his plans ruined, and his will almost broken. He had been an imp... He liked the feel of power, of the look on the faces of those who arrogantly dueled with him and lost. But now he was the arrogant one. He had been cleaning the demon's great cavern for the 3rd time, when he fell to the ground, exhausted. The demon came in, and began punishing Deimos. Suddenly Deimos seemed to wake up. He grabbed the whip mid-air, though it was a substance that caused pain on contact to imps and demons, and threw it at the demon's head. Suddenly horrified at what he had done, thinking of all it would cost him, he summoned the rest of his power in a single beam of energy. The demon was hit square in the chest and fell.

Deimos ran to the nearest exit, and ran fast. He ran through the twisted tunnels and caverns, going left here, right there, until finally reaching the surface. No demon would follow him there. But still he ran, not knowing where to go. As long as it was away. Deimos ran and ran, the shackles which were still attached to him started burning him. Deimos managed to get over one last hill. He looked across, and despaired. Beyond the hill, were mountains upon mountains, snow-capped giants.

Deimos dropped, the cold and the snow stinging him. The shackles started to drag him back to the caverns, Deimos was too tired to resist. As his body was dragged across snow, Deimos started sobbing. Suddenly the sun rose over the peaks and instantly the shackles weakened. Deimos shouted in agony, as the sun's rays glinted off snow and hit him from every angle. Deimos looked at his hopeless situation and used his only move left. He gathered up all the energy keeping him conscious and teleported.

Deimos lay on a stone platform. He'd been there for days. When he finally stirred, the shackles were gone. He woke up confused. He rubbed his wrists and ankles and jumped off the platform...

[Shrub]

I'm handing you over to a TA of mine, Forneus. He'll be responding to your thread sometime soon.

[The Shademan]

Hey, Adad64.

Forneus is too busy as it is, so I will be your complimentary TA. I'm Shade, as you can see, and now I'm going to give you a little critique; it's never meant offensively, so don't see it like that, okay? It is merely for your benefit. After that, I will place you, depending on what I see.

Deimos ran through a freezing blizzard. Wind and snow pierced his body. Deimos trudged on, shivering through the huge, snowy mountain. Deimos was running away. He had been enslaved for the second time. This time it had been for 10 years. Imp's were usually forced to be bound to a demon for long periods of time, until they were released, or managed to overpower the demon. Some weren't free until they became demons, after 3 millenia. Deimos, however, managed to keep away from all of that, using his extraordinary skill and talent in magic to keep the demons at bay. He was even stronger than some demons. But not this one.

He had been humiliated, his power stolen, his plans ruined, and his will almost broken. He had been an imp... He liked the feel of power, of the look on the faces of those who arrogantly dueled with him and lost. But now he was the arrogant one. He had been cleaning the demon's great cavern for the 3rd time, when he fell to the ground, exhausted. The demon came in, and began punishing Deimos. Suddenly Deimos seemed to wake up. He grabbed the whip mid-air, though it was a substance that caused pain on contact to imps and demons, and threw it at the demon's head. Suddenly horrified at what he had done, thinking of all it would cost him, he summoned the rest of his power in a single beam of energy. The demon was hit square in the chest and fell.

Deimos ran to the nearest exit, and ran fast. He ran through the twisted tunnels and caverns, going left here, right there, until finally reaching the surface. No demon would follow him there. But still he ran, not knowing where to go. As long as it was away. Deimos ran and ran, the shackles which were still attached to him started burning him. Deimos managed to get over one last hill. He looked across, and despaired. Beyond the hill, were mountains upon mountains, snow-capped giants.

Deimos dropped, the cold and the snow stinging him. The shackles started to drag him back to the caverns, Deimos was too tired to resist. As his body was dragged across snow, Deimos started sobbing. Suddenly the sun rose over the peaks and instantly the shackles weakened. Deimos shouted in agony, as the sun's rays glinted off snow and hit him from every angle. Deimos looked at his hopeless situation and used his only move left. He gathered up all the energy keeping him conscious and teleported.

Deimos lay on a stone platform. He'd been there for days. When he finally stirred, the shackles were gone. He woke up confused. He rubbed his wrists and ankles and jumped off the platform...

Okay, here's a guideline to what I highlighted in your post.

Underlining = Repetitious words that can be replaced with a bigger variety of vocabulary. For example, instead of constantly calling him Deimos, why not call him "that prideful imp" or "the creature" at more points? And there are different words for running, like "sprinting" or saying "he sped" or "he streaked" through the cave.

Bold = Issues regarding aesthetics, or the mechanics of your sentences. When you use numbers in writing, it's always more professional, and widely accepted, not to use digits. Use "third" instead of "3rd" and "three" instead of "3." And after "suddenly," which is often overused by writers, use a comma afterward, instead of making it sound so rough. The word suddenly doesn't imply YOU the writer be sudden about it. Apply proper grammar rules, and it's much neater.

"As long as it was away" seems redundant and something there to take up space. It's not necessary to put in sentences like these unless you haven't already stressed the point.

Italics = Where you misspelled something. Mid-air should be simply "midair," and as for your one other misspelling, the proper way is "millennia," not millenia. These are the only real misspellings, so you're good.

From a purely style and content standpoint, you've got an interesting story to tell, but the storytelling seems frail at many points, cutting out part of what you have going in the first place. This is due to sentences that sound forced, or sentences that seem like they're bunched into one. Keep in mind, it may be efficient to have two events in one sentence, but it can cost the reader certain satisfactions. Namely, those of drama. Here are example sentences:

Suddenly the sun rose over the peaks and instantly the shackles weakened. Deimos shouted in agony, as the sun's rays glinted off snow and hit him from every angle.

Besides the "Suddenly" not having a comma after, this sentence is grammatically right. But because of the sentence mechanics, it seems awkward. How about something like:

"It was in these frail, shamed moments that the sun chose to creep upon him. The loosening of his chains was a relief, but even this came at a price, like everything else; he was set alight by his freedom, as the sun and companion snow suffered him their luminosity."

See? It's longer, but it gives appeal. Which is very important in writing. Who wants to read your stuff if you aren't interesting about it, hmm?

Now, I deem you "Intermediate Class." Be sure to click the link to this class in the Homeroom's first post so you can get started, I suppose. And don't worry, I'm not saying I don't mess up a lot as well. Especially with tense. ^__^;;

See you around, Adad64.