[Altamira] Aden's Training

[Hylian Guardian]

OoC: Eh, it's a little over 400 words. I hope it's okay.

BiC: Wiping the sweat from his brow, Aden continued up the tiring trail. He was trapped in a vast forest of trees, all because of this dumb note. He had been looking for some real training for quite a while now, until a mysterious envelope was left on his doorstep. Inside was a letter that read,

“Fellow warrior,

Is it true training that you seek? Come to the Dome. A haven for warriors that expands across many universes, yet is still quite compact. Rigorous your life will become, but the opportunities are endless and the rewards priceless. All you have to do is look for it, and your heart will find it.

Signed,”

The ink on the signature had been smudged by the rain and was unreadable. At first, Aden took this mysterious message to be nothing more than a hoax or a philosophical writing. But curiosity began to drive him mad, and he simply had to seek out this... this Dome. The thought of it confused him immensely; something that could expand beyond more than one universe, but still be able to be considered a building? It simply didn’t make sense.

Nonetheless, he trekked on, hiking through the foggy wood. Trees towered over him and the hot sun beat down on the back of his neck. The quiet of the seemingly empty forest was something new to him; he was so used to a more urban life, where people were around him all the time. Overall, this journey was becoming very tiresome.

Aden positioned himself between the roots of a tree and sat down to rest. He realized he never really had time to examine his environment. Strong, tall trees were spread evenly throughout the landscape, and the leaves created a splotchy canopy above him. Light from the sun streamed down through the leaves in patches, creating an almost yellow-green light. Moss crawled up the trunks of trees, and rotting logs inhabited insects of all kinds. Other than that, there seemed to be very little life here.

A few minutes later, he stood back up feeling refreshed and less tense. He clambered over a boulder or two blocking the trail, and a bright blast of light nearly blinded him. The trees were rapidly thinning. Excited, he picked up his pace, racing to get to the top of the steep hill. The light ahead of him grew gradually stronger as the trees became less and less dense. Finally, he crawled up to the top of a rock, finding himself overlooking a steep drop. Catching his breath, Aden gazed at the scenery before him, and immediately spotted a huge, almost round building in the distance.

“It must be the Dome,” he sighed, with a satisfactory smile on his face.

----------

Upon eventually reaching the Dome, Aden rapped his fist against a heavy wooden door. After waiting a few minutes, he presumed nobody was there, or that whoever was there didn’t hear him, and pushed the unlocked door open. In front of him was a dimly lit hallway, with high ceilings supported by columns. He decided to lean on one and wait for someone to find him in this vast place.

[Altamira]

As I said to my other new student, since my TAs (teacher assistants) seem to desperately want new students (and because I've been lazy as of late,) I will be assigning you to my assistant Kiriyama for now (who will now give you lessons and grade your posts in my place.) If you have any questions about this, please PM him or me. ^_^

EDIT: Kiri's on break, so uh...I'll be teaching you for now. Sorry for all the changes. <_<

[Altamira]

Okey doke, let's begin:

Stylistic nitpick here:

But curiosity began to drive him mad, and he simply had to seek out this, this Dome.

Rather than place a comma where I've bolded, I think you should use an elipsis. It looks a bit neater and signals more effectively to a reader that this pause is one being taken for effect. The sentence should look like this:

But curiosity began to drive him mad, and he simply had to seek out this...this Dome.

Issue with word choice:

The thought of it confused him immensely; something that could expand between more than one universe, but still able to be considered a building?

Firstly, between should only be used when speaking of two or more things--I think in this situation, the word "beyond" might suit your meaning better. ;]

Also, I would slip a "be" in before the bolded "able", to help the sentence flow more smoothly. The sentence, altogether, should read like this:

The thought of it confused him immensely; something that could expand beyond more than one universe, but still be able to be considered a building?

That's all for errors. Good work! Your descriptions show some real potential. :] I think I'll be using my character Cadenza Madrigal to teach you, as you have a pretty good grasp on grammar and basics and seem ready to focus a bit more on stylistic elements. Just make the few edits I've asked for, and then I'll give you a new lesson.

EDIT: Erm, scratch that last bit--my TA Dakota wants a new student, so I'm going to allow him to teach you. Sorry for all the confusion. ^^;;

[Awkin]

Nice intro. I am Dakota (Hello!) and I will be teaching you from here on in -- using my character Jhans Frenn, who you can find in my signature :3.

All looks good. Just make those edits that Altamira suggested, and I'll give you your next assignment!

[Hylian Guardian]

Edits have been made. :]

[Altamira]

Seeing as how Dakota is on a short vacation, would you like me to give you a new lesson, or would you prefer to wait for him? I think he'll be back in about a week, if I remember correctly. If you don't want to wait, the only issue would be that Aden couldn't really meet his real teacher until Dakota returns. ^^;;

[Hylian Guardian]

I don't mind waiting. Besides, I'll be pretty busy the next few days, so I wouldn't finish the assignment until he was already back.

[Awkin]

Hallo! Sorry about that. And thanks to Aiko, for offering to cover this.

So I'm back, and you've had your few days of business, so let's get a-moving! Your tutor will be Asha Boden, who you can find in my siggy.

I'd like Asha to be walking from one side-door of this corridor to another, when she spots you and strolls over. While you're talking, people trickle past, heading for the main door. One of them lifts a pouch from Asha's belt while she's talking to Aden. Have him respond how he will.

I'd appreciate descriptions of both characters, and some strong dialog. You should find this easy ^__^;;.