[Altamira] Mer's Training

[KnowItAllSister]

Assignment 1:
Landed: My Arrival at the Dome
I remember the day I found out about my mother’s horrific death. After completing my Sorcerer’s Training at the Tower of Fangs, I returned to my family’s small cabin near Lake Hylia. When I arrived, however, total chaos was the first to greet me. My house was completely destroyed; all that remained were the bittersweet memories of my childhood before I left for the Tower of Fangs. My mother was nowhere in sight (my father had already died when I was five, so I only had to look for my mother), but there were extraordinary blood stains in small puddles throughout the grass. I walked toward the pile of rubble that was once my house. The Goddesses are laughing at me, I thought. All of a sudden, I heard a strange sound coming from the sky. I hadn’t noticed it before, but the land around me had grown dark, casting shadows that blanketed Lake Hylia in darkness. I looked up into the sky and noticed there was a rather large dark hole, almost as if some child had torn a piece of the sky off. I then realized that this destruction was the work of those darned Twilight demons. With Din as my witness, I vowed then and there that I would slay every last creature of the Twilight even if it killed me.

Today is the day that I leave for my travels throughout Hyrule. It will be a long journey, but my training will help me to complete my task. I have decided that I will start with the area of Lake Hylia, since I believe it to be the latest attack from the Twilight Demons. I close my rucksack and strap it to my belt, signifying the completion of my preparation. I walk to the land closest to the water and stare into the water. I gather a handful of blue, sparkling water into my cupped hands. I look at the water and think of how Hyrule is such a beautiful land. I slowly drink the water and sigh with satisfaction.

Since I know these waters well, I decide to jump in and swim to the Light Spirit’s cave across the way. I climb up onto dry land and enter the sacred cave. I walk up to the raised land just above the water. “O Great Light Spirit Lanayru...” I begin. A great circle of light appears from the center of the water and it opens up into Lanayru. “I have began a great quest to slay all the creatures of the Twilight.” I bow before his presence and pause. “Please guide me with your wisdom: what should I do first in my quest?” I bow again, waiting for the spirit to reply.

“Go.....to.......the.......Dome........It........i s...........a.............great.........school.... ....of............learning.............You........ ...will.............learn.............much........ ..about...........what...........you..........will .............need................to.............do ...................”
With that said, Lanayru disappears after a big flash of light emerges. Suddenly, a door appears in the center of the water where Lanayru was. I wonder how I should get to the door and where it leads to. Without even thinking of questioning Lanayru’s wisdom, I begin walking on the surface of water to do the door. I notice there is no handle on the door, but there is a picture of the Triforce in a circle in the center of the door. I touch it, and the door opens. A great flash of light bursts, and I find myself in a room filled with many people in it. I look for a chair and sit down. At the front of the room, a sign says “Altamira’s Homeroom”.

[Altamira]

Thank you for getting to work so quickly! Since my TAs (teacher assistants) are rabid about getting some new students, I think I shall be assigning my assistant Halcyon Hero to be your teacher for now (meaning he will grade your posts and give you new assignments in my place.) If you have any questions about this or anything else, just let me or him know. ;]

[KnowItAllSister]

No problem! I'm glad you appreciate my quick work! I'm very excited to get started right away (even with my work schedule keeping me busy lol)!!!

[Altamira]

All the data from after last Monday has been lost. <_< If you need HH to help you or check something again, I'd suggest letting him know through PM.

[KnowItAllSister]

Oy! I totally didn't notice that! I'll get to it as soon as I can. Thanks, Altamira! Ok, here's my revised version. Sorry it took me so long to repost it! Work's been murder! *_*

Landed: My Arrival at the Dome
I remember the day I found out about my mother’s horrific death. After completing my Sorcerer’s Training at the Tower of Fangs, I returned to my family’s small cabin near Lake Hylia. When I arrived, however, total chaos was the first to greet me. My house was completely destroyed; all that remained were the bittersweet memories of my childhood before I left for the Tower of Fangs. My mother was nowhere in sight (my father had already died when I was five, so I only had to look for my mother), but there were extraordinary bloodstains in small puddles throughout the grass. I walked toward the pile of rubble that was once my house. The Goddesses are laughing at me, I thought. All of a sudden, I heard a strange sound coming from the sky. I hadn’t noticed it before, but the land around me had grown dark, casting shadows that blanketed Lake Hylia in darkness. I looked up into the sky and noticed there was a rather large dark hole, almost as if some child had torn a piece of the sky off. I then realized that this destruction was the work of those darned Twilight demons. With Din as my witness, I vowed then and there that I would slay every last creature of the Twilight even if it killed me.

Today is the day that I leave for my travels throughout Hyrule. It will be a long journey, but my training will help me to complete my task. I had decided that I would start with the area of Lake Hylia, since I believed it to be the latest attack from the Twilight Demons. I closed my rucksack and strapped it to my belt, signifying the completion of my preparation. I walked to the land closest to the water and stared into the liquid blue. I gathered a handful of sparkling water into my cupped hands. I looked at the water and thought of how Hyrule is such a beautiful land. I slowly drank the water and sighed with satisfaction.

Since I know these waters well, I decided to jump in and swim to the Light Spirit’s cave across the way. I climbed up onto dry land and entered the sacred cave. I walked up to the raised land just above the water.

“O Great Light Spirit Lanayru...” I began. A great circle of light appeared from the center of the water and it opened up into Lanayru. “I have begun a great quest to slay all the creatures of the Twilight.” I bowed before his presence and paused. “Please guide me with your wisdom: what should I do first in my quest?” I bowed again, waiting for the spirit to reply.

“Go... to... the... Dome... It... is... a... great... school... of... learning... You... will... learn... much... about... what... you... will... need... to... do... ”

That said Lanayru disappeared into a large flash of light. Suddenly, a door appeared in the center of the water. I wondered how I could get to the door and where it led to. Without even thinking of questioning Lanayru’s wisdom, I began walking on the surface of water to the door. I noticed there was no handle on the door, but there was a picture of the Triforce in a circle in the center of the door. I touched it, and the door opened. A great flash of light burst forth, and I found myself in a room filled with many people in it. I looked for a chair and sat down. At the front of the room, a sign said “The Dome”.

[Altamira]

Great work! The only thing I have to say (as I saw no real errors ^_^) is that writing from a first-person perspective may not mesh well in roleplays and battles with others here who use a third-person perspective. But, for now I won't bother you to change anything about it, and we'll just see how it works out. The first-person style would always work well for character fiction pieces, if we find that it doesn't mesh well enough for anything else. ;]

Here's your next lesson:

Have Mer look around the lobby and adjoining halls, describing all the people and things she sees; the Dome has a few constants about it, but many things about its appearance seem to differ from person to person. Give us a picture of what it all looks like from Mer's eyes.

As she's looking around, taking in the sights, she should catch sight of a small elf floating up in the rafters, held up by a large balloon. The elf should wave at her, trying to catch her attention, and when he has it, he should fly off, expecting Mer to follow. Have him lead her through the twisting and shifting halls of the Dome until they come to a room filled with magic-users locked in one-on-one practice battles, and end your post there. Be creative with what she sees and what happens while following the elf in the halls.

[Halcyon Hero]

Not really errors, but here are some things I noticed. And I'm sorry I took so long, but I've been really busy lately. But I promise that I'll able to get to your training more often, with the possible exception of weekends. We'll have to see. Anyways, here.

The Goddesses are laughing at me, I thought.

Active thoughts that a person is having at that moment need to be in italics. “The Goddesses are laughing at me, I thought.”

I gathered a handful of sparkling water into my cupped hands. I looked at the water and thought of how Hyrule is such a beautiful land.

Here is a good example of where writing can get a bit dull if you’re not careful. You’ve got good descriptions, adjectives, and thought, but it still seems a bit simple. To fix this, you can combine a few simple sentences to create a more engaging, single sentence.

“I gathered a handful of sparkling water into my cupped hands and looked at it as I thought of how beautiful a land Hyrule was.”

Better, don’t you think? But you have to be careful when doing this, because certain tenses, form, and words change. Can you see all the changes I made from your original? Study them well.

Since I know these waters well, I decided to jump in and swim to the Light Spirit’s cave across the way.

“Know” should be “knew”.

I climbed up onto dry land and entered the sacred cave. I walked up to the raised land just above the water.

Another instance where a collection of too simple sentences slows down the flow of the writing. Try and combine these two sentences into one on your own.

That said Lanayru disappeared into a large flash of light.

“That said” is a precursor to the rest of a sentence, just like “well” or “you know”. Which means you need a comma separating it.

“That said, blahblahblah…”
“Well, blahblahblah…”
You know, blahblahblah…”

At the front of the room, a sign said “The Dome”.

When you have a bit of speech or a quote like you do here, you need a comma separating it.

“…a sign said, “The Dome”.”

[KnowItAllSister]

Thanks for the help! Is my second assignment the same as the one Altamira gave me? And I understand that you've been busy. I've been busy with work. Once school starts, I'll probably only be able to post on the weekends as well. So no worries.

[Altamira]

I'll just answer for HH and say yes, do the assignment I gave you, and from there on you can receive your lessons from him. ;]