[Power Shot] X Vitros' Training

[Ti-Link]

OoC: Okay then, lets get started!

BiC: The wind blew his hair along his face. The streaks of color had changed to blue later that day after calming down from the battle that had taken place yesterday. The warrior sat down on the top of the hill that overlooked the land he was searching, depressed. The warrior had lost, he had lost his first battle, and in a matter of minutes, his foe took him out. The warrior hit the ground with frustration. Am I really that weak? The warrior asked himself as he overlooked the beautiful land.

The warrior had thought after that battle for the first time and knew he was weaker than he had realized, but he was too stubborn to accept it. He decided to take action; to go in search of the battle school, The Dome.

The warrior had been looking for days and was starting to lose hope. All he had to go by were rumors, and that wasn't enough. Well, there's no reason to give up now, I have to find this place, the warrior told himself as he got to his feet and walked into the blinding woods just at the foot of the hill he had rested apon. Thanks to years of no civilazation, the trees had grown to taller lengths then Vitros had seen in his years. Therefore, making it useless to try and look over the trees for any buildings. But that didn't stop the 15-year-old from moving on.

Vitros walked blindingly deeper into the forest, looking for anything that might have been the sign that he was on the right track. After hours of walking, the trees seemed to change so slowly that it was unnoticeable. Almost like trying to see a clocks minute hand move. The warrior noticed later than he should have that he was now following what looked like a trail. A tree line on both sides of our warrior, but he did not like the feeling he was getting. The warrior almost decided to go back, but as he looked behind him, it seemed as though the miles of tree line he had just walked by had disappeared and turned into random trees dotted all over the ground. The warrior was stunned, but he just turned and walked farther down the trail of trees until a clearing started to come into view. What is going on here? But as he asked himself this question, he came into the clearing to a building.

The warrior could not believe what he was seeing. It was a gigantic building and from the arching for of the front doors, it looked as though the outside of this structure was going in a circle. In other words, a dome. The warrior still wasn't sure, but it wouldn't hurt to look into it a little farther. He looked behind him, but only to see that the trail of trees that lead him to this slightly worn structure, had disappeared and he could no longer tell where he had entered the clearing.

The warrior walked slowly but flawlessly up to the double doors that were twice his size and had vines growing on the from the years of not being used. The warrior pushed on the doors with most of his strength and the doors slowly opened. A test of strength? The warrior thought as the double doors revealed a chamber on the inside that seemed to be bigger on the inside than on the outside. What is this place? Is this what I have been looking for? He asked himself as he examined the chamber he had just entered. Pictures of people the warrior didn't know hanged from the walls with a diamond pattern of red and yellow. The floor were made of tile, which were the same colors of the walls except in a square formation. For the floor being tile, the warrior could tell how long this place has been seemingly deserted. Some of the tiles were cracked and started to have water form under them, and some were even out of place in the corners of the room. To top it all off, there was an old, but beautiful chandelier hung from the ceiling.

What the warrior did not see, was another door. He looked in all four directions but did not see another door leading farther into this mysterious structure. I...wonder, he thought as he started to focus for the first time in days. His left eye revealed it's true colors and he started to examine the room once again. This time, he had found three times as many doors as he expected to find, three. One leading to the right, one to the left, and one straight forward. The warrior was amazed at what he was doing to see these doors. A test...of focus? He asked as he tried to decide which door to choose. "I probably should keep it simple," he told himself out loud this time as he walked and placed his hand on the forward door. The doorknob was mysteriously made of what looked like ice, pure ice. Hm, something I can relate to, he thought as he placed his hand on the knob and twisted, hearing the old rattling of tublers unlocking.

OoC: Hope that's enough...

[Forneus]

You might have already found it strange that some weird dude has posted in your thread. Well, that just means that Shrub won't be directly teaching you. Unless that is an issue for you, I'll be teaching you from now on.

You can call me Fornues, or whatever you want. I'm a TA, which you may have noticed is mentioned on the front page of the Homeroom. Not legally a teacher in the Battle School, heh, but authorized by one of them. Treat me like any other user here: I'm nothing special. Now, just something I'd like to point out: try not to feel bummed about anything that I may correct or tell you isn't exactly right. I don't really consider this to be teaching, but rather, showing others what they might not realize they can accomplish. It all comes with experience. You probably know all this. The point is, everyone starts out somewhere, and as they gain experience, they get better. There's nothing wrong with that, and no-one should complain about the differences in skill.

Okay, so that's over with. This post will undoubtedly be longer than usual because of introductions and instructions--all that stuff. Okay, the next thing. Keep in mind that although it is called the Battle School, in this class you will not only focus on combat and such. Don't worry; there will be some skirmishes and physical activities in which your character will have to participate. But what Shrub is trying to do with her students is to get them to make it a tendency, or at least try to dive deep inside your characters' minds and expose their personalities through these situations. Tough and mellow ones.

Sure, a user in the Battle Arena can pull off a really good battle scene, but is that all the firepower that their styles possess? Chances are that it would be a much better read if you also focus on what your character is feeling while these things occur. Their personalities determine what actions they take, and what drives them to do the things they do. That's pretty amazing, and showing these things is very pleasing to reader. Developing a character is also vital for good, regular roleplays where combat is not the main factor.

Okay. Let's begin. A few general things to point out here. You've got some good potential at character development. We were pleased with that. I love how you include the thoughts of your character through mental dialogue, and through narration. Keep that up. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if you could do it more often. Now, by this I don't mean make your character say more things in his head than he would usually say. That wouldn't be natural, right? You can try narrating things he doesn't say in his head but might be thinking about (like you did on the first paragraph), or you can briefly write about things you may think are important to mention. Maybe comapring things he sees to something he remembers of his past? That's just an example--that's not absolutely necessary to do. You can do anything, just don't go overboard. Do what's necessary to get readers to know what his life is like.

But what you are lacking in is physical description. Your environmental description actually seems to be decent, but can be better. You can expand on more things if necessary, but actually not so much if your character won't be in that area for too long. You have to use your judgement. How much description will you devote to a certain setting? For example, would an open area your character will pass through be worth a lot of description? Not a lot, but give it a paragraph or so for your readers to realize notable objects, like if there are mountains in one direction or something, what the ground is like, the colors of things, the apparent time of day.... But what if it's someplace important to him, like his bedroom? Or a place sacred to him? That's maybe someplace you'd want your readers to picture just like you do. Through Vitros' eyes. You might want to give good descriptions of things that are important.

Especially X Vitros himself. Try and include more description of him. Particularly his facial expressions. They tell a lot about your character. You don't have to go crazy and describe every step, but give a little info of his body when it's necessary. We tremble when we're afraid, we have reactions to many things. If they're noticeable, mention them. Works really nice especially when emotions are displayed. The trick is trying to balance all of these things out. Too little of something can confuse readers. Give as much information as you can, but to a reasonable degree. Don't die writing.

Your grammar is pretty good. Except for some errors which I'll have you correct in a few. Oh, and I noticed you used the word warrior to describe X Vitros ... kind of too often. Try being more diverse with your word choice. It messes up your post if you use the same word over and over. And it really makes the reader realize he's ... reading. Keep in mind that it's not always necessary to use a fancy word in place of his name, but don't always use his name or common words like the pronuon, he. The point is to make it sound smooth and natural. You'll figure it out. Just don't be excessive and repetitive. Powerful words lose strength if they're repeated over and over.

Okay, I'l only get into notable errors because I don't want to throw so much at you in one post. We'll get to fixing up sentences and all that jazz later on.

(1P: 3rd Snt.) The warrior sat down on the top of the hill that over looked the land he was searching, depressed.
(1P: Last Snt.) The warrior asked himself as he over looked the beautiful land.

Merge them. It's a word. Overlooked.

(2P: 1st Snt.) The warrior had thought after that battle for the first time.

I'll just point out that this sentence is incomplete. Well, it doesn't make sense. If it's there because it connects to the 2nd sentence after it, try and connect those two.

(2P: 2nd Snt.) He decided to take action, he decided to go in search of the battle school, The Dome.

The comma there should be replaced by a semicolon. (;) Separates sentences like that. When you read it out loud, you can notice the slight pause there that is stronger than a comma, but weaker than a period. Since the two clauses are related to each other, a period is not necessary. Now, take out he decided, and listen to how it sounds: "He decided to take action; to go in search of the battle school, The Dome."

(3P: 3rd Snt.) Well, there's no reason to give up now, I have to find this place. The warrior told himself....
(Last P: 3rd Snt.) I...wonder. He thought as he started to focus for the first time in days.

You treat mental dialogue as ... dialogue. So, replace that period with a comma, and make The, and He lower-case. Keep this in mind.

15-year old should be something like 15-year-old.
Careful with then and than.

(5P: 3rd Snt.) In other words, a Dome.

Careful. You're not talking about The Dome, but an object. A dome. It's not a place or a name, so it shouldn't be capitalized.

And this one, located on the last paragraph:

"I probably should keep it simple.", the told himself out loud this time as he walked and placed his hand on the forward door.

Watch it there. Replace the period with a comma, and take out the comma outside of the quotation mark. If you're not done with the sentence after a quotation, never use a period. If you are concluding a sentence with a quotation, you can use a period.

Also, when new dialogue is used, you must always start a new paragraph, unless it's by the same person.

Okay, I think that's enough for today. Always revise. Never be too eager to post something, and puh-lease save your stuff on your hard drive. Okay, if you can fix your post up a little, you can move onto your next lesson. Remember the things I told you at the beginning, about description and all that stuff. It'd be cool if you could fix up your post a bit in that sense too, although it's not entirely necessary. At least until your next post.

You belong in the Intermediate class for now. My character will appear later on when I indicate. He's not ready just yet, so his name and profile will be revealed to you a bit later.

Welcome.

[Shrub]

Originally Posted by Fornues

Quote:
(3P: 3rd Snt.) Well, there's no reason to give up now, I have to find this place. The warrior told himself....
(Last P: 3rd Snt.) I...wonder. He thought as he started to focus for the first time in days.

You treat mental dialogue as ... dialogue. So, replace that period with a comma, and make The, and He lower-case. Keep this in mind.

Fornues and I have been discussing this, and we have come to the decision that you can do mental dialogue the way he suggested or you may continue treating mental dialogue as narrative. Which ever you like best.

[Ti-Link]

OoC: In reponse to all you said up there: I just wanted to say that I know. You are here to show me the proper way to RP, and any mistakes I make are my own fault and you are merely helping me along the road.
I also wanted to thank you for giving up your time to show me how to do this, so once again I say thanks!
Oh, and I dont care that you teach me, as long as someone does, lol!

Anyway, I THINK I fixed everything up there, but if I didn't, you'll tell me.
Now, onto more writing!

Lesson 1 has been updated.

BiC: Vitros could feel the icy cold run up his spine as he placed his palm upon the doorknob. He twisted and the door opened, and from how much it squeaked as it opened, he could tell it had not been used in years. As the door opened, he was stunned by what he saw in the next room.

As the door opened, the next room was gray on the ceiling and walls with candles lined all around the wall with yet another chandelier hung from the ceiling to light up and let the details of the chamber come into view. He could see the moss growing in the corners of the ceiling. The detail that really caught the warrior's eye was the floor: it wasn't really a floor at all.

Looking down below were he stood, he could see that small pipes were sticking out from a pit of darkness below them. It looked as like if he fell, he would fall for eternity. The tops of the pipes were smaller than his own foot, which would make it highly dangerous to continue. Vitros' face was wide-eyed with a mix a blank expression of surprise. He tried to activate his flying ability, but realized that something was holding him from using it. It felt as though an unknown force was forcing him to stay on the ground. Hm, without a doubt, this is a test of balance, he told himself as he placed his right foot on top of a nearby pipe. He took in a gulp. "Well, here we go," he said as he pushed off the door and onto the pipe with both feet. The feeling of doing something this dangerous was never entirely known to him, for he always tried to not do anything like this. His heartbeat raced, a pain in his stomach let him know that he was in fact scared. As he looked back at the door, struggling to keep his balance, the door closed by itself. Man, this place gets creepier and creepier the deeper I go, he thought as he jumped to the next pipe, almost losing his balance.

He looked at the future pipes and smirked. "Alright, I have to focus," he told himself as he jumped to the next pipe. He continued this strategy until he reached the next door, still standing on a pipe while twisting the dragon head-shaped doorknob. He could not lean, so he pushed the door open with one gentle shove. His face was struck with surprise once again, because to his own prediction, it was wrong. The next room was not a room at all, but an outside corridor.

The 15-year-old had enough of indoor activities, so the jump to the door was a leap of faith. As his feet touched grass on the other side, the door once again closed on its own. With his eyes still wide, he examined the corridor. It was square like a normal room. There was a sidewalk directly infront of him that led straight to a beautiful fountain that burst water from the vase the woman in rags held. The entire fountain was made of gray stone, except for the edges that held in the water, they seemed to be made of marble. As the sidewalk he stood on led straight for the fountain, three others shot from the fountain to the right, left, and behind it, all leading to a different door and also making four sections of grass. Each door were perfectly in the middle of each stone wall. It was flawless in everyway, as if it was carved yesterday.

Everywhere he looked, he also saw a different kind of animal. Two chickens peaking the ground in the right corner, not paying attention to the left corner. He also saw a wide variety of forest animals. Squirrels, raccoons, birds rested in the small trees in the four corners of the grass. Even a few ducks in the fountain enjoying an afternoon swim.

As Vitros took in this beautiful site, he suddenly felt an enormous and forceful pain in his back as he flew across the ground and hit the wall clear on the other side of where he looked at the animals. He quickly got up to his feet to see that an angry ogre had used its club to give him a good right hook. It seemed to be at least twice the height and width of his own and of course was a green color skin. It wore what seemed to be metal plated armor from its torso to its knees. Red eyes and yellow teeth in the face stared at him as the ogre charged for a finishing blow. Vitros could feel the horrible pain in his back, which would give him difficulty in the next few hours. He quickly took his sword from his sheath and held it infront of him as the ogre ran toward him, club raised, completely ignoring the other animals around it. The warrior quickly jumped to the side to avoid the smash of the club where he stood, and jumped and cut straight through the armor and the ogre all together. Blood burst from it's thigh to its left shoulder, and it feel to the ground lifeless.

Vitros then wiped his sword of blood and put it away. "What the hell is up with this place?" the warrior asked as he held his back once again from the splitting pain that bulged over and over again.

Now that the threat was done, Vitros could once again think clearly. There were now four doors to which he could choose. I don't even know what I'm looking for, he told himself as he walked the east door, he knew this from the suns direction, now that there wasn't a ceiling. His palm touched the doorknob that was completely clear with no color at all, hoping that it was not one of those risk-your-life moments again. He twisted and pushed, and watched as the door swung open to reveal a much different room than any others he had encountered.

OoC: Lesson 1 has been updated.

[Forneus]

Pretty creative. I like the suddenness of this post. Okay, your first post was supposed to be about X Vitros entering The Dome (you did it right, I'm just making a point), a place with no official structure. Meaning that it doesn’t have to be described in a certain way for it to be right. There can be as many versions of it as there are people in this world because everyone will look at it differently. Well, it’s better to imagine The Dome as the space in between the universes that writers invent. Like where they can connect. And there can be countless areas in The Dome that people can make up, so whatever place you describe within the Dome is just a part of it; not the entire setting itself. ‘Just restating stuff. So, in your first post, we can consider the woodland that X Vitros entered to be the portal in which he accessed this endless world. That was done good. And the structure that he entered, I imagine is a place in The Dome, right?

These places you describe basically belong to you. As the narrator, you can state anything about them. Even a little history, only if you want. But you can also choose to keep quiet about them for any reason you might think of, like making things a bit more suspenseful and such. If it’s your place, you’ve got control of it. The Dome belongs to no one in particular, but because you can make up any place within it, you can give it your own little twist. There are probably some little rules you have to abide by in the future, but for now you don’t have to worry about that.

So I remember in you first post that X Vitros was thinking about a battle he had lost. Is this what drove him to seek more strength and look for this rumored world? Try and somehow include things of his past that drive him to do what he does, and perhaps narrate them when necessary. Put yourself in his shoes, and think about when he would think about these things in the future. He seemed pretty bummed out about losing, so I’m sure it’ll bother him later on in the future. Don’t forget to implement these things again, because these feelings come back to people, right? But remember, you don’t have to include these thoughts in your next post. Do everything naturally, and it’ll look good.

Now, I think you should take a look at this thread if you haven’t already: Shrub’s Intermediate Class. You were supposed to complete Lesson 1 only, not Lesson 2, which deals with X Vitros confronting whatever creature is in the mirror room. Lesson 1 was supposed to be about him getting to that room. That’s okay, though. Mistakes happen. Oh, and about unfinished posts. Always include everything that a lesson requires in a single post, even if you haven’t finished it. Don’t double post, please. I’m glad you edited and added the rest of it today. You can always post a little bit and say you’re not done, and when you have the rest to post, you can post in the Homeroom to announce that you’ve added the rest of it, or just PM me. I won’t be mad at that. So, your next post should have to do with Lesson 2.

You have to take out the last few paragraphs about X Vitros confronting his dark side and just use that for Lesson 2.

Oh, notice that your character has to look for a certain door, so this kind of implies that you’ll have to be inside. Students usually picture it as a hallway or corridor containing many doors. It’s the easiest approach, I believe, so maybe have X Vitros go indoors when this little skirmish with the ogre is done. It doesn’t matter when it’s done, just make sure he gets into that mirror room somehow. Oh, and when you post a new lesson, always title it. Don’t move onto the next one until I say you can. Edit this post and title it Lesson 1 please.

When we are done with Lesson 1, you can start writing on Lesson 2, expanding on his confrontation with the bad X Vitros.

Now, I will analyze each paragraph. Text that is highlighted green means there’s a spelling or punctuation error. Text that is black means that it’s text I added that completes the sentence.

Vitros could feel the icy cold run up his spine as he placed his palm upon the doorknob. He twisted it and the door opened, and from how much it sqeaked as it opened, it had not been used in years. As the door opened, he was stunned by what he saw in the next room.

Okay, your second-to-last sentence might be missing a little something. It’s a good observation, but you have to say who recognized that it was old. Like, after your last comma, say something like, “he could tell that it had not been used in years,” because X Vitros is there hearing the door squeak, and so he is the one that senses it’s old. Or, if you want to analyze it as the narrator, you can say something like, “it had probably not been used in years,” or, “it was obvious that it had not been used in years.” Complicated, yeah. Those are just the type of words you use when you make inferences. Now, your last sentence is telling what X Vitros is feeling, not so much showing. You claimed he was stunned, but try and describe a little how it showed that he was, after that sentence. Remember, you can use facial expressions and stuff. Anyone can be stunned by something, but never the same way. Put detail in reactions.

Okay, the second paragraph focuses on description of his surroundings. They are decent, but try to describe how big the place is. Make a comparison or estimate measurements. In the last sentence, that comma doesn’t seem fitting. Try and use another punctuation mark like a colon (:), or just separate the two clauses into two sentences. Judge by how strong the pause is.

Paragraph 3. If you claimed it wasn’t a floor, don’t use the word floor in the first sentence, but perhaps like ground or something. Or say something like, “below X Vitros....” Describe the pit of darkness a bit more to make it clearer. When he tried to activate his flying ability, maybe try and make up why he couldn’t use it. What did he feel in his body that prevented him from doing it? A feeling? A force? Was his focus messed up? Give a little detail about it. It seems important.

Hm, without a dought, this is a test of balance,

By dought, you must mean doubt. Fix that up. Just add a before it because doubt is treated as a noun. Okay, when he makes these dangerous decisions, talk about what it feels like. When he put his foot on the pipe, did he have full balance? Did it hurt? Try and sometimes give a little insight about little things like that. They really bring your writing to life.

He took in a gulp, "Well, here we go," he said as he pushed off the door and onto the pipe with both feet.

That comma needs to be a period because it’s not related to the following dialogue. Also, start a new paragraph with that quotation. When you have more experience, try and give a tiny bit of detail of how he says things. There are many adverbs to do that.

Struggleing, as you spelt it, is spelled struggling. Kill the e.

With the fourth paragraph, also replace the first comma with a period because that sentence doesn’t relate to the quotation. If it would begin like, “He looked at the future pipes, smirking, and said,” then it would be related to the following dialogue.

Head shaped should have a single dash in between. That happens with stuff like “year-old,” where the noun comes first and then the adjective. Notice “head” is the noun, and “shaped” is the adjective. So, for example, eye shaped should be eye-shaped. After the word “doorknob,” replace the comma with a period. The two clauses are not related. “Pridiction,” as you spelt it, is spelled prediction. Now, describe how the next room was a corridor. What made it a corridor? Show that a little.

On the 5th paragraph, 3rd sentence, “eye’s” should be “eyes.” Describe the fountain a little more, like the color and size of it, and also how far it is from X Vitros. It’s a very noticeable and seemingly beautiful object, so you want to put a little emphasis on that. “Infront” should be “In front.”

On the next paragraph, you stated that there were forest animals of every kind. Try to put a limit on that. You know, something that you can handle describing.

Now, that ogre. I read X Vitros’ profile yesterday, and I realized he was pretty darn strong. I remember it well that it’s like improbable to sneak up on him, so the fact that it happens now is sort of ... strange, don’t you think? Especially with an ogre. Oh, by the way, you also have to give the ogre some description. Of things like size, appearance, and any equipment. Try to expand a little more on how it appeared, and how X Vitros wound up getting caught off guard. You can change it of course, just put detail. I want you to do a good job on that last part. Expand on things. Take your time.

When you are done fixing this stuff up, notify me so I can analyze the rest of Lesson 1.

[Ti-Link]

Alright! Lesson 1 has been updated.

[Forneus]

Very nice. You've certainly improved. Don't forget to use the suff you've learned for everything else you write. Detail is important. Most of the stuff I told you to modify, you've fixed, so now you can move onto Lesson 2. Don't forget to title it so that I can keep track of what I'm reading.

[Ti-Link]

OoC: Thank you very much.


The warrior took one step into the room, and already, he could not keep track of where he was. The entire room was made of mirrors; reflections of himself stared back at him as he looked at the ceiling, the walls, and the floor, only to get eyes staring back at him. The warrior had never seen anything even close to this except for a fun house, which he had not been in since he was 5. His eyes reflecting surprise in every direction, the warrior took his first steps into the room, hearing the door close behind him as he entered. He walked, still focused on the mirrors that seemed to reflect a lot more than just his looks. He could have sworn he could feel his inner soul raging inside of himself. As he stared forward, he saw that there was one mirror that reflected his image directly in front of him. Once focused on this mirror, his image started to slightly darken, and the eyes turned gleaming red. Once it was done changing, the figure of himself walked straight and out of the mirror.

The warrior watched in horror; his mouth wide open, as he saw an exact copy of himself staring right back into his eyes from meters away, with red, raging eyes. The first words that spoke in the warrior's mind were: pure evil. He tried to speak to the image. "Wha...what are you?"

The darker image laughed, startling Vitros. "What does it look like, you moron? I'm you," he said as he examined Vitros up and down. "Still can't believe you're still unfocused."

"What do you mean?" the warrior asked, confused.

The image once again laughed, "Don't you get it? Your family's gone! They will never come back, and you and I both know it. You are just too stubborn to accept it!" the image snapped at the blank Vitros.

The images in the room were still of just himself. He could not see the dark image in any of the mirrors. All he knew was that this dark image was starting to creep him out and annoy him very quickly. "Don't say that. You have no right," the warrior said, grinding his teeth inside his mouth. Anger slowly change his face.

"You're right, how would I know anything. I'm just the pain and suffering you have held in all these years. The anger toward the man that completely destroyed our planet."

Vitros' eye's instantly glared.

"That's right. You remember, the flame coming toward our planet. You should be focusing on killing him!" the image yelled.

Vitros knew then what he was trying to do. "I know what he did, alright!" the teen yelled as he unsheathing his sword and slashed to the image's side. Suddenly, the image did the same thing, bringing the blade out and blocking the strike inches from cutting his lung.

Dark Vitros simply laughed. "See? You're already in my acre of the woods now. Get angry! Get revenge!"

"No!" Vitros yelled as he flung the dark image across the room, only for it to jump off the wall and punch him directly in the stomach. Vitros flew and smacked the wall with full force, the wind completely knocked out of him. "...y...you're...s...solid?"

"What else would I be? I'm as real as the hatred and anger burning inside you for years and now." Dark Vitros then lunged at the downed warrior, swinging his blade to cut his throat. Vitros quickly ducked and heard the blade whizz over his head. As quickly as his body would allow, Vitros threw a punch at the image, only for it to catch the fist and throw him over his head and against the other wall once again. Vitros hit the ground face-down, and struggled getting back up.

"Why are you so insisted on finding someone who's already dead?" the image said, making Vitros' head jerk to meet his red eyes.

"Don...Don't say t..that again!" Vitros yelled as he struggled to get up. It seemed that this copy was stronger then he was. He threw his blade at the figure in anger and Dark Vitros simply ducked to dodge it. As the blade went behind the dark image, Vitros teleported behind as well, catching the blade as it came towards him and kicking the image directly in the back, sending it into the same wall he had hit earlier.

"Is that really the best you can do? After all that time doing what you call 'Training'?" The warrior quickly looked behind him to see the same evil, red eyes staring deep within his own. Dark Vitros then shot the warrior with many Ebyss Venom shots, pushing him back with each shot that made contact. After almost 10 shots, Vitros fell to the ground, unable to see anything or hear anything. He felt himself rise, then a force came into contact with his jaw, and he was thrown against ground and skid to a stop. He then heard a voice in his head. Now now, we can't have you dying on us now, the voice said as he started to regain his vision, and all of his hearing. He could feel the blood coming down his face and jaw as he got up to his feet once again. He turned onto complete focus, ignoring every word the image said in trying to make the warrior angry. He took his sword and dashed head to head toward himself, clashing blades as they furiously swung at each other, dodging and parrying blows.

Vitros came for a side strike, only for it to be countered. The image grabbed his blade flung it behind him, as if his grip was as trying to grab soap. Vitros somersaulted backwards to dodge a slash from his own blade, but at the same time, kicking the blade into the air and out of Dark Vitros' grip, sending it into the mirrors above. He quickly lunged forward and kicked the image with full force and sending him into a nearby mirror, amazing not shattering it.

The image was now on all fours, with Vitros holding his sword once again. The image laughed. "You think they're alive. Don't you?" the image asked as it vanished into smoke, only to reappear behind him. The warrior let a tear escape his eye as he quickly dodged the attack from behind and stabbed the image directly in the head. The image then dissolved into the mirrors of the floor.

"I...know they're alive...somewhere," he said. The pain was enormous; he had broken his left arm and jaw. Cuts all over him from the parry earlier.

[Forneus]

Sorry for the long period of waiting. This huge delay shouldn’t happen again, really. Maybe unless you finish up all the assignments for the Intermediate class, and if we have nothing else to give you then. But I think I’d be allowed to improvise a little if something like that happens. Just a reminder, you’ve got great potential, I think even to promote you to an Advanced student soon if you improve enough. We’ll see if you can compare to the folks up there in time. I’d like to see that--of course, if Shrub doesn’t quit on us. ‘Chances of you being promoted will depend upon your progress. I wonder how your skills have changed throughout months. I realize that you have written this post a while ago, so I’m not going to think that you haven’t improved through the months passed. I guess I’ll see about that in your next assignment. We’ll just fix this one up first.

Nice to see that you always exceed the minimum amount of words required per assignment. It shows me that you’re dedicated to your character and what you post. We appreciate the development of one’s character. A large dose of that is mainly what we look for when deciding where to put a student. Well, of course, other things matter. Supposedly you’re to focus on combat scenes, environmental description and stuff like that while you’re an Intermediate student. But a little insight on the character doesn’t hurt, so I’m glad you implement that.

Onto the corrections. There are a few errors that you keep on repeating. I’m going to talk about the main ones that you should watch out for. I want you to remember them. To make sure that you do, I’ll be picky about letting you move on to the next assignment if you repeat these errors too much.

Some rules on using quotation marks: there are different punctuation marks used at the end of dialogue to help emphasize how the speaker says what they say. There are about four. You have yourself a question mark (?); a period (.); a comma (,); an exclamation point (!), and sometimes, a dash (—), but not usually. You know this, yeah. However, these are not each used in the same way. Let me give you an example for each.

When asking a question, there are usually two standard ways to introduce that speech in dialogue.

• “How come?” my friend asked me.
  
• My friend asked me, “How come?”

They are grammatically correct. These examples below, however, are incorrect.

• “How come?”, my friend asked me. (Notice the bolded comma. The comma following the closing quotation mark is not needed).

• My friend asked me, “How come?”. (And notice the bolded period here. Even if you are ending a sentence with dialogue, do not put a period after the closing quotation mark. The (?) mark ends the sentence).

• My friend asked me “How come?” (The comma is missing before the quotation mark. Always include it when introducing dialogue in this form. In some cases, you can use a colon (:), but I don’t recommend that ‘cause you might confuse yourself).

The same rules apply for exclamation points (!). There are generally two ways, of course.

• “Hey! That’s mine!” my friend exclaimed.
• My friend exclaimed, “Hey! That’s mine!”

When dialogue consists of multiple sentences said at once by the same person, you can separate them so that you can devote detail to each sentence spoken, like so:

• “What are you doing?” my friend said anxiously. “That’s mine!” she then yelled.

Instead of:

• “What are you doing? That’s mine!” my friend said anxiously.

This can be done, though. It’s up to you how you wish structure it. You don’t have to separate every sentence all the time. Use your judgement; whatever is best for you. The point, really, is to explain how a person says something as best as you can.

There’s one rule for periods associated with quotation marks, and that is, when you use it to end dialogue, nothing goes after it. Nothing. Here is what I mean:

• I said out loud to myself, “Damn, I have to finish this today.”
• “Nonsense!” I retorted, and stated, “That’s a lie.”
• He bleakly said, “There! Now, get out.”

In whatever form you introduce dialogue, periods placed before the closing quotation mark always end the sentence. I trust you don’t need examples for using commas. Just know, when you use commas, it is probably because you’re about to explain the manner in which the speaker said what they said. Keep the comma before the closing quotation mark, as well as the other punctuation marks.

Another thing. Your and you’re are completely different words. Never confuse them. Your indicates something belonging to the person or people that the speaker is addressing, or talking to. You’re is the contraction of you are.

Some people usually have the same problem with it’s and its. It’s is the contraction of it is or it has. However, its, without the apostrophe (‘), indicates something belonging to a thing that was mentioned before, or that belongs to a thing that one can identify.

Don’t make the mistake of getting mixed up. Keep all of this in mind. It’s simple stuff.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now let’s move on to analyzing your post. I will be placing parentheses and a number within them to identify the mistake, sort of to make your life easier. Text colored in Lime means that there is either a punctuation, grammar, or spelling error. Red text means to exclude/erase whatever is highlighted. Black text is text that I may have suggested, which should make the sentence make more sense. I’ll be analyzing every paragraph, and will be pointing out the errors. I won’t criticize your style or anything like that too much while I do this, though. Those are things I might focus on later. We start slowly first with little errors.

Originally Posted by Ti-Link

The warrior took one step into the room, and already, he could not keep track of where he was. The entire room was made of mirrors(1), reflections of himself stared back at him as he looked at the ceiling, the walls, and the floor, only to get (2)eye's staring back at him. The warrior had never seen anything even close to this except for a fun house, which he had not been in (3)one since he was 5. His eyes reflecting surprise in every direction, the warrior took his first steps into the room, hearing the door close behind him as he entered. He walked, still focused on the mirrors that seemed to reflect (4)alot more than just his looks. He could have sworn he could feel his inner soul raging inside of himself. As he stared forward, he saw that there was one mirror that reflected his image directly (5)infront of him. Once focused on this mirror, his image started to slightly darken, and the eyes turned gleaming red. Once it was done changing, the figure of himself walked straight and out of the mirror.

• (1) The pause needed between “The entire room was made of mirrors”, and “reflections of himself stared back at him as he looked...” is stronger than a comma. If you read the sentence out loud, you’ll notice what I mean. Try and replace the comma with a semicolon (;), or a period. If you know how to use dashes, maybe you can use that. If you replace that comma with a period, you will be starting a new sentence with “reflection,” so you have to capitalize the r.

• (2) Incorrect use of the apostrophe for eye’s. The plural form of eye is spelled eyes, without an apostrophe. Many people make mistakes like that. Well, you may know this – it could be a simple typo. Just fix it up.

• (3) Exclude/take out one. This is because you are repeating the noun. You’re basically saying, “The warrior had never seen anything even close to this except for a fun house, which he had not been in a fun house since he was 5.” Doesn’t sound right. But if you take that out, it’ll be a good sentence.

• (4) Common mistake. Alot is not a word. Lot is a word. A is usually placed before it because it’s like saying, “a place.” You have to separate the two. Get it to say a lot.

• (5) Infront should also be separated into two words. If these are typos, watch out for them. Spell check does justice, but if you use that, make sure the words that are fixed are correct.

Here are just a few things I want to point out about this post:

On the first paragraph, it looks like you are introducing the setting. Shrub has given you an idea of what it should look like – basically a room with mirrors everywhere. I’m seeing that your description of this place is a little weak. Devote a little more detail to this special and unique area. Although most of Shrub’s students have an experience in the mirror room, the room can be described differently with every person. You don’t have to go crazy describing every inch of the room, of course. Try to explain the most obvious aspects. Of these things include the general size of the room, what kind of material the mirrors seem to be made of, etc. Things like that are important. I can be picturing the room as being huge, but other readers may picture it spanning just a few yards. Your goal is to have control. They’re your places; it’s your character. How do you want us to picture them, for the sake of keeping us entertained?

“He could have sworn he could feel his inner soul raging inside of himself.” This is a very powerful statement. The concept is just so interesting. That doesn’t just happen to anyone, and I think it’s a rare feeling too. When you write about unusual feelings like this, talk a little more about them. Make the reader more familiar with these unfamiliar concepts to make your writing much stronger. Sometimes writers use whole paragraphs to describe strange feelings. That’s not required of you, but know that you’re not limited to single statements to describe feelings. Anyway, moving on.

Originally Posted by Ti-Link

The warrior watched in horror, his mouth wide open(6), as he saw an exact copy of himself staring right back into his eyes from meters away, with red, raging eyes. (7)The first words that spoke in the warrior's mind were: Evil. He tried to speak to the image(8), "Wha...what are you?"

The darker image laughed, startling Vitros(9), "What does it look like(10), you moron? I'm you," he said as (11) examined Vitros up and down. "Still can't believe (12)your still unfocused."

"What do you mean?"(13), the warrior asked, confused.

The image once again laughed, "Don't you get it? Your family's gone! They will never come back(14), and you and I know it. You are just too stubborn to accept it!"(15), the image snapped at the blank Vitros.

The images in the room were still of just himself. He could not see the dark image in any of the mirrors. All he knew(16), was that this dark image was starting to creep him out and annoy him very quickly(17), "Don't say that. You have no right," the warrior said, grinding his teeth inside his mouth. Anger slowly (18)changing his face.

• (6) Exclude/take out that comma before as. Otherwise, as would probably mean because. If by as you mean while, then don’t separate it from “his mouth wide open”.

• (7) X Vitros thought, “Evil,” when he saw the darker version of himself. That’s just one word. “The first words that spoke in the warrior's mind were: Evil.” Do you see how there’s no agreement there? Since he thought of one word, fix up the sentence to: “The first word that spoke into the warrior’s mind was: evil.” Notice that evil is not capitalized. Words written after a colon or semicolon are not usually capitalized, unless they’re a name or so. If you can come up with more words that Vitros thought of, then you don’t have to change the sentence much.

• (8) Change that comma to a period, because that sentence is not related to the dialogue after it.
• (9) Change that comma to a period, because that sentence is not related to the dialogue after it.
• (10) Add a comma there, because there is a pause.
• (11) You’re missing a pronoun or a noun to describe the enemy. Try adding the pronoun he.
• (12) Replace with you’re.
• (13) Remove the comma.

• (14) Add a comma there, because and connects two sentences in this case. If you had a sentence in which you had to mention two related words, like so: “in order to draw, I need pencils and an eraser,” then there a comma is not needed, because and in that case would be connecting words.

• (15) Remove the comma.
• (16) There is not really a pause there, so you should remove that comma.
• (17) Replace with a period. That sentence is not related to what is said within the quotation mark.
• (18) Replace changed with change.

Originally Posted by Ti-Link

"(19)Your right, how would I know anything. I'm just the pain and suffering you have held in all these years. The anger toward the man that completely destroyed our planet." (20)Vitros' eye's instantly glared. (21)"That's right. You remember, the flame coming toward our planet. You should be focusing on killing him!"(22), the image yelled.

Vitros knew then what he was trying to do. "I know what he did, alright!"(23), (24)unsheathing his sword and slashing to the (25)images side. Suddenly, the image did the same thing, bringing the blade out and blocking the strike inches from cutting his lung.
Dark Vitros simply laughed(26), "See? (27)Your already in my acre of the woods now. Get angry! Get revenge!"

"No!"(28), Vitros yelled as he flung the dark image across the room, only for it to jump (29)of the wall and punch him directly in the stomach. (30)He flew and smacked the wall with full force, the wind completely knocked out of him. "...y...you're...so...solid?"

• (19) Replace with you’re.

• (20) Because the previous text within the quotation marks was spoken by the enemy, the sentence after (20), which mentions an action done by X Vitros, should be treated as the start of a new paragraph. Separate them. Ask me about this if it's confusing.

• (21) Same deal as with (20). Treat it as the start of a new paragraph.

• (22) Remove the comma.
• (23) Remove the comma.

• (24) A couple of words are missing in this sentence. It looks like you want to connect that clause with the previous dialogue. Fix it up so that it makes sense. Try doing that by writing something like, "He unsheathed..." to start it off as a new sentence, and then get the rest of it to make sense.

• (25) Replace with image's, because there is possession involved there.

• (26) Change that comma to a period, because that sentence is not related to the dialogue after it.
• (27) Replace with you’re.
• (28) Remove the comma.
• (29) Typo. Did you mean off?
• (30) Indicate who he is.

Originally Posted by Ti-Link

"What else would I be? I'm as real as the hatred and anger burning inside you for years and now." Dark Vitros then lunged at the downed warrior, swinging his blade to cut his throat. (31)He quickly ducked and heard the blade (32)wizz over his head (33)as he threw a punch at the image, only for it to catch the fist and throw him over his head and against the other wall once again. (34)He hit the ground face-down, and struggled getting back up. (35)"Why are you so insisted on finding someone who's already dead?"(36), the image said, making Vitros' head jerk to meet his red eyes.

"Don...Don't say (37)t..that again!"(38), Vitros yelled as he struggled to get up. It seemed that this copy was stronger then he was. He threw his blade at the figure in anger and Dark Vitros simply ducked to dodge it. As the blade went behind him, Vitros teleported behind as well, catching the blade as it came towards him and kicking the image directly in the back, sending it into the same wall he had hit earlier.

"Is that really the best you can do? After all that time doing what you call (39)"Training"?" The warrior quickly looked behind him to see the same evil, red eyes staring deep within his own. Dark Vitros then shot the warrior with many Ebyss Venom shots, pushing him back with each shot that made contact. After almost 10 shots, (40)he fell to the ground, unable to see anything or hear anything. He felt himself rise, then a force came into contact with his jaw, and he was thrown against ground and skid to a stop. He then heard a voice in his head. Now now, we can't have you (41)dieing on us now, the voice said as he started to regain his vision, and all of his hearing. He could feel the blood coming down his face and jaw as he got up to his feet once again. He turned onto complete focus, ignoring every word the image said in trying to make the warrior angry. He took his sword and dashed head to head toward himself, clashing blades as they furiously swung at each other, dodging and parrying blows.

• (31) Tell me who he is, because the sentence before was talking about the enemy. I know that you are referring to X Vitros when you say he, but to make it clear for everybody, when you have situations in which you have two or more people interacting closely, label them by name, especially if they are of the same sex. Otherwise, he can mean any of the two guys in this case. You can use pronouns like he even when you have situations like these, but be careful about using them.

• (32) Replace with whizz. You forgot the h.

• (33) I don’t consider this one an error, but the sentence is kind of long. Actually, it depends upon if he really is ducking and throwing a punch at the same time or not. I highlight as because it’s the word that is connecting two different actions. Does he really do these two things at the same time? If so, ignore this. Or, is one action done after the other? Use then instead of as if so, and don’t forget the comma before it.

• (34) Since you mentioned Dark Vitros before the start of this sentence, replace he with Vitros to make it clear who you are talking about.

• (35) Start a new paragraph because the following dialogue is spoken by the enemy. The sentences before are not related to it.

• (36) Remove the comma.

• (37) It’d make more sense if you’d make it th instead of just t. If you were to read Vitros’ dialogue out loud, you’d most likely say “th...that” instead of “t...that”.

• (38) Remove the comma.

• (39) If you are going to include text that requires quotation marks within quotation marks, use something else. In American English, this is the structure: (“ ‘ ’ ”) Notice the apostrophes within the quotation marks. In this case, instead of writing “Training”, you have to write it as ‘Training’.

• (40) Tell me who he is.
• (41) Typo. It’s spelled dying.

Originally Posted by Ti-Link

Vitros came for a side strike, only for it to be countered. The image grabbed (42)his blade (43)flung it behind him, as if his grip was (44)as trying to grab soap. Vitros somersaulted backwards to dodge a slash from his own blade, but at the same time, kicking the blade into the air and out of Dark Vitros' grip, sending it into the mirrors above. He quickly lunged forward and kicked the image with full force (45)and sending him into a nearby mirror, (46)amazing not shattering it. (47)The image was now on all fours, with Vitros holding his sword once again. The image laughed(48), "You think they're alive. Don't you?"(49), the image asked as it vanished into smoke, only to reappear behind him. The warrior let a tear escape his eye as he quickly dodged the attack from behind and stabbed the image directly in the head. The image then dissolved into the mirrors of the floor.

"I...know (50)their alive...somewhere," he said. The pain was enormous(51), he had broken his left arm and jaw. Cuts all over him from the parry earlier.

• (42) To make it clear, indicate whose blade Dark Vitros grabs.
• (43) You’re missing the word and to connect the two clauses.
• (44) Remove as from there, because you don’t need it.

• (45) You either have to replace sending with sent, or take out and and replace it with a comma. Pick only one.

• (46) This word should be an adverb, not an adjective, because there is a verb after it. Convert the adjective amazing to an adverb by adding ly at the end.

• (47) You should start a new paragraph here.
• (48) Unless he actually laughs those words, replace the comma with a period.
• (49) Remove the comma.
• (50) Typo. You are confusing the contraction they’re with their. Use they’re.
• (51) Instead of using a comma, use a semicolon (;). The pause is strong there, but not so much as to use a period.

Lots of errors, heh. If you are confused about any of these numbered points, PM me about them and I can further explain them to you. Overall, it was pretty good. I enjoyed this post. Fix these errors first, and once you do, I’ll tell you what to do next.

[Ti-Link]

All mistakes in Lesson 2 have been fixed to your recommendations....SIR! *salutes*