[Shrub] Zabaro's Training

[Gman]

OoC: Well here it is.

BiC: God damn it! Where is this place? Zabaro was standing on a mountain top looking down at the forest below. He was looking for the Dome. For the longest time he believed that his battle skills were perfect. Then he was attacked and brutally defeated by a group of dark magicians. After that he had been searching frantically for a decent battle school. Eventually he heard about the Dome. It sounded like his kind of place, so he headed out to the Northern forests to find the Dome. Now a week later, he still hadn’t found it. He almost completely lost.

Zabaro, deciding that standing still wasn’t going to get him anywhere, started down the trail to the forest. The trail was incredibly steep and narrow, and even though Zabaro could fly, he didn’t want to fall. He continued down the path until he reached the forest floor. The forest was a very calming place. Its trees were tall, and it was alive with the sound of animals. The forest had a trail leading deep into the forest. Zabaro began walking into the shade of the trees.

The forest was incredibly dark. It seemed as though it was the middle of the night, even though it was early in the morning. As he walked, his thoughts began to stir. What if the Dome doesn’t exist? No one seemed to have ever been there. They said it was a myth. What if that’s true? Zabaro’s pace began to slow, and eventually he stopped. “Walking’s gonna take too long. I think I’ll fly,” he said as he began to summon some magic. Two large flames appeared on his back. They began to take shape and turn to flesh. Now, he had two large dragon wings on his back, and not wanting to waste them, took to the sky.

Up in the air, Zabaro had a good view of the entire forest. However he still couldn’t see the Dome. “Damn! It’s not here!” he exclaimed. The fire mage began to fly off towards the West. As he flew he noticed that the trees were getting taller. Eventually the trees were reaching hundreds of feet in the sky, and Zabaro realized that if he continued to fly he’d probably crash into a treetop. He began to arc downwards, and landed back on the forest floor.

He began walking again, and eventually found himself in a large clearing. The grass was short and neatly trimmed, and in the middle there was a small rock. Zabaro walked up to the rock. It was red with white stripes and gave off a white aura. Zabaro picked it up and examined it. What is this? And how did this clearing get here? The grass looks like someone tends to it constantly. It was then that Zabaro noticed a hole in the ground about thirty feet ahead. Zabaro decided to put the rock in the hole. He knew that the rock and the hole somehow went together. He dropped it in and stepped back. He heard a loud noise behind him and turned around. The Dome had become visible to Zabaro.

The Dome was bright silver with a gold roof. It looked like a coliseum, but with a large round roof. The gates leading inside were bronze with large silver stripes going down the middle. “Well, let’s get started!” Zabaro shouted.

OoC: I’d like to ask you something. If I take more than a week to make a new post, please PM me!

[Silver]

God damn it! Where is this place? Zabaro was standing on a mountain top looking down at the forest below. He was looking for the Dome. For the longest time, he believed that his battle skills were perfect. Then, he was attacked and brutally defeated by a group of rouge magicians. After that, he had been searching frantically for a decent battle school. Eventually, he heard about the Dome. It sounded like his kind of place. So, he headed out to the Northern forests to find the Dome. Now, a week later, he still hadn't found it. He almost completely lost.

Fourth sentence after the thoughts: rogue was spelled wrong. Tiny mistake, probably a typo, but proofreading cleans those up really nice. Something I notice through this entire first paragraph is your use of commas ... first in the fourth sentence, then in the fifth sentence, then in the seventh. Right near the beginning of each sentence you have a comma that doesn't need to be there. What you're doing is adding commas for the sake of creating a pause, but you're sacrificing proper grammar to do it. I used to and still do that on occasion, so I can tell you now: it's a bad habit, and you'll want to get rid of it.

Zabaro, deciding that standing still wasn't going to get him anywhere, started down the trail to the forest. The trail was incredibly steep and narrow. Even though Zabaro could fly, he didn't want to fall. He continued down the path until he reached the forest floor. The forest was a very calming place. Its trees were tall, and it was alive with the sound of animals. The forest had a trail leading deep into the forest. Zabaro began walking into the shade of the trees.

This paragraph is grammatically perfect in the technical sense, but I want you to learn something from this by reading it aloud. At every period, I want you to stop for a full second, then continue reading aloud.

It sounds really choppy, doesn't it? You just start reading, then you're done and have to wait a full second before going on to read more. The easiest way to fix that is to combine your sentences together. It makes reading smoother, it makes the entire work flow better, and it tends to make reading it more interesting. For instance, you could combine "The trail was incredibly steep and narrow." with "Even though Zabaro could fly, he didn't want to fall." into "Even though Zabaro could fly, he did not want to fall off the incredibly steep, narrow trail." to make it less choppy.

That cut down two sentences into one. Maybe it didn't flow quite as well as it could have, and it was me writing it so it can't be exactly what you would have wanted, but I hope you can see my point. How you write is your business, and entirely up to you, but combining sentences is a great way to make it flow better.

The forest was incredibly dark. It seemed as though it was the middle of the night, even though it was early in the morning. Zabaro kept walking forward. As he walked, his thought began to stir. What if the Dome doesn't exist? No one seemed to have ever been there. They said it was a myth. What if that's true? Zabaro's pace began to slow, and eventually he stopped. "Walking's gonna take too long. I think I'll fly," he said as he began to summon some magic. Two large flames appeared on his back. They began to take shape and turn to flesh. Now, he had two large dragon wings on his back, and not wanting to waste them, took to the sky.

There is a principle of writing that I tend to disagree with, something my mother taught me. That principle is this: if it's unnecessary, don't leave it. What she meant was, anything that doesn't need to be in the piece of writing should be cut out immediately. Unfortunately, it is extremely hard to tell what does not need to be there, other than the obvious grammar stuff, so I shun this principle and replace it with my own: if it's boring, don't leave it.

"Zabaro kept walking forward." is a great sentence. It's necessary: it tells me what he's doing, that he didn't just stop and stand under the trees. But it is boring. Read it and see for yourself, if you think I'm wrong. Technically, it is a good thing to be there. But, a sentence like that is not interesting enough to really be kept. Try adding spice to it next time, something bolder. For instance, I could say: "I ate breakfast." To make it more interesting, more drawing, I could choose to say this instead: "I filled my stomach with the wonderful nutrients of a balanced breakfast."

Adding spice to your writing can be interesting. Give it a try. This paragraph also had a few commas that didn't need to be there, but I'll let you see if you can fix those on your own.

Up in the air, Zabaro had a good view of the entire forest. However, he still couldn't see the Dome. "Damn! It's not here!" he exclaimed. The fire mage began to fly off towards the West. As he flew, he noticed that the trees were getting taller. Eventually, the trees were reaching hundreds of feet in the sky. Zabaro realized that if he continued to fly, he'd probably crash into a treetop. He began to arc downwards, and landed back on the forest floor.

Once again you've got a grammatically perfect paragraph. Read it yourself, though, and tell me if you can see anything you could have improved.

He began walking again, and eventually found himself in a large clearing. The grass was short and neatly trimmed, and in the middle there was a small rock. Zabaro walked up to the rock. It was red with white stripes and gave of a white aura. Zabaro picked it up and examined it. What is this? And how did this clearing get here? The grass looks like someone tends to it constantly. It was then that Zabaro noticed a hole in the ground about thirty feet ahead. Zabaro decided to put the rock in the hole. He knew that the rock and the hole somehow went together. He dropped it in and stepped back. He heard a loud noise behind him and turned around. The Dome had become visible to Zabaro.

Apart from misspelling "off" in your third sentence, there are no problems here. Interesting way to find the Dome, though, I've seen no one do anything like that.

The Dome was bright silver with a gold roof. It looked like a coliseum, but with a large round roof. The gates leading inside were bronze with large silver stripes going down the middle. "Well, let's get started!" Zabaro shouted.

Grammatically perfect, but I want to make one statement, here and now: be careful. Eventually, you are going to end up reading a description by someone else, something that does not exactly match something you created or something you already described. The Dome is a perfect, catch-all example. Everyone describes it differently, and some people don't bother to describe it at all. The inside is ever-changing, always different. It's impossible to really get a description "right" when the Dome is in the mix.

You will probably run into situations like this when you go into a roleplay. You may describe your character doing one thing, and someone will infer that you did something completely different. The whole "You turn left, I see you go right." type of thing. I'm telling you now as a warning. Do not get too mad when it happens, because it happens a lot.

In case I didn't mention it, I'm Honour. I'll be the Teaching Assistant in charge of your training until Shrub says otherwise.

[Gman]

Ok, fixed! As for my work being a little choppy, that usually happenes to me when I have to make the first post. It shouldn't happen again.

[Silver]

Alright, looks much better. Good job. You'll be an intermediate, so nip on over to the homeroom and check out your first assignment. You'll actually need to get inside the dome first, so I think I'll go ahead and suggest an extra fifty words devoted to that--you don't have to, this isn't an order, but that assignment was technicaly designed for someone already in the Dome.