[Safer] Crogon's Training

[scratdawg]

OoC: This is my first story thing ever. So here it is.

BiC: I stood on top of the mountain overlooking the Valley of Nor. My name is Crogon and I am an emporer. My kingdom covers the Valey of Nor and all villages in it. The view of the valley was amazing that I was forced to just stand there for a moment and admire it. But I had come to the top of this to look for something. I didn't know what I was looking for but I knew it was important based on the conversation I had just had with my most trusted advisor Norda. Although she was a mere human she did know what she was doing when she advised me. She had sent me a message through the gem in my belt telling me that something called the Dome had been spotted in the area of this mountain and told me that the training I could get in there would greatly improve my skills as a leader and in turn help my empire. It had taken days to climb this mountain, and it would have taken longer had I not decided to just climb vertically up the mountain instead of using the winding path. It takes incredible strength to pull all 626 pounds of my extremely heavy Goron body up the mountain. Luckiliy I posess that kind of strength as result of my military training.

I used to be general when the Verach Military was still intact. After it disbanded I became a wanderer and had soon found this beautiful valley. Unfortunatley several gangs had set up headquarters there. As soon as the villagers saw my incredbile size and strength they begged me to save them from the marauders. It didn't take me much time to destroy the gangs and the villagers named me their ruler, and so my empire was formed. Since then I have tried to grow my kingdom into a force to be reckoned with. But so far I have had no success, maybe training at the dome is the right answer.

I began to explore the mountain top, the snow and cold wind blowing around me made me uncofortable. I hate the cold, normally it doesn't do anything besides make me uncomfortable, but his cold was strange it was as if the cold wanted to kill me. I knew that the Dome must be close. I could feel myself growing weaker and my legs gave out. I began to crawl around in the snow desperatly trying to find some source of warmth. Then I remembered the bomb plant seeds in my belt pouch. I reached for them and took some in my hand. I could throw them, or I could start a fire with them. I decided that I needed something that would give me enough energy to find the Dome's entrace on this mountain. I ate the seeds. Most people would say that was foolish, but after some brief stomach pains I was feeling warm inside and felt that I had the strength to go on.

I began to limp around in the snow and once again the cold overtook me. I could have eaten more seeds but I feared that if I did than I would die. I was just about to give up and fall into my protective hibernation when I felt warmth beneath the snow. I began to dig into the snow with my hands and came across a strange door made from fire beneath the snow. I was amazed hat the snow that touched the fire didn't melt on contact. I touched the door and felt the warmth spread through my body. As I opened the door I heard a voice in my head. "Welcome to the Dome, Crogon." it said. I opened the door and took my first step in the strange place known as the Dome.

OoC: So there you go. I hope it is good, I am not good at splitting things into paragraphs so I hope you think it was good.

[Safer]

Welcome to the Intermediate Class! There's a link to your class' lesson thread in my homeroom, so find that thread and do the pre-lesson. Post it here.

[scratdawg]

OoC: Here it is hope its good.

BiC: I stepped forward out of the horrible cold and towards the warmth and the dimension known as the Dome. The door closed and disappeared behind me, revealing the room I was in to be one composed entirely of fire and stone. In the center of the room stood a winged man in a white kimono, holding a katana the color of blood and fire. I stood in awe of his presence, I reached out with my mind and touched his. I was nearly knocked to my feet by a barrage of emotion, happiness, sadness, calm, panic, regret, sorrow, joy, perfidy, and anger, an anger that ran deep inside of his mind trying to break free of a mental cage. I could tell that this man, this being of flaming glory, had years and years of experience in this life and possibly of the life beyond.

He took a step toward me and began to speak. "Hello, my name is Tokumaru Kyô, but I am also called the Heavenflame Samurai, but you probably are not interested in that right now, you almost died back there and I am sure you would like a few seconds to compose yourself." He spoke as if this happened very often. I stood where I was for a moment looking at the man in front of me, this time I focused on the physical characteristics. He was considerably shorter than me, by at least four feet and looked relatively weak. If I had not used my mind powers I would never have guessed that he possessed power that could destroy me. I decided that playing dumb wasn't going to get me anywhere with this person, and I could tell that he was going to help me somehow. "Hello, my name is Emporer Crogon, Ruler of the Crogon Empire. You may refer to me as Crogon."

Tokumaru led me out of the fire room and into a room with several portals each leading to a door. "So what exactly is the Dome? Is it another dimension or is it a place? How big is it?" I asked Tokumaru. "The Dome is everywhere and also nowhere. It can be in several universes at once or in none of them at all. Some say the Dome has a mind of its own, while some say it is simply a building. But what has been confirmed, is that it is huge. The Dome has thousands of rooms in it and each room could be small as a box or as large as a country." he answered. "Very interesting, but what is the Dome for? I came here for some sort of training, is the Dome used to teach?" I asked curiously. "Well yes and no, although everyone uses the Dome to teach students, much like a college, a mystical multidimensional college. But nobody really knows what the Dome is here for or who or what created it. But during your stay here I am to be your teacher, you will follow my instruction with no complaint. Or else I will have to kill you." Tokumaru had finshed that last sentence with a chuckle, but I knew that he could kill me if he wanted to so I decided to not disobey him at all until I was strong enough to probe his mind for the true extent of his power and perhaps find some way to obtain a similar strength.

He led me to the door of my room and I opened it. The door looked as if it was designed for me, the door knob was the perfect size for my large rock-hard hands. "Well, I am going to go now and leave you to explore your room and the rest of the Dome." He turned to leave and had one foot in the portal when he turned his head and spoke to me in a calm yet serious tone of voice. "Oh and just so you know, I could feel you in my head back there. I advise you to never do that again. Never." As Tokumaru stepped into the portal and left me standing there all I could think was, "Well then, this should be interesting." I closed the door behind me and looked at my surroundings.

OoC: So there you go.

[Safer]

Very good! Just one thing I want to mention before you move on: Quotation format. Dialogue should have its own separate paragraph from the rest of the piece, for starters. Example:

Instead of:

Orysius jumped up, avoiding the slash from his pupil, and knocked Seraven down, then putting a foot on Seraven's chest. "Really, now?" he said sarcastically, keeping his foot solidly placed where it was. "Because I thought that you were ready to learn this sort of thing." Seraven grimaced. "Yes," he replied, "but I can't move that fast!"

It would be:

Orysius jumped up, avoiding the slash from his pupil, and knocked Seraven down, then putting a foot on Seraven's chest.

"Really, now?" he said sarcastically, keeping his foot solidly placed where it was. "Because I thought that you were ready to learn this sort of thing."

Seraven grimaced. "Yes," he replied, "but I can't move that fast!"

See how I divided the dialogues into their own sections? Try doing that next time. Anyway, move on to lesson one.