[Shrub] Misaki's training

[Chari]

How could she know what would lead her to that place? That girl....she couldn’t have guessed she would end up there. I guess that she wanted to find a place to be strong...well, she thought she was strong. I think that under her nice exterior, there was that fear growing inside of her like a conflagration that she would never be strong enough to find out her past. Yes...that could have been it.

---

Black, which was all she could see. Wherever she looked, she didn’t see anything, just that dark color that haunted her dreams. She didn’t even know what she looked like, what other people looked like, or what the world looked like. There was just her existence, the emotions that floated all around her, and anything that happened to make contact with her body. It felt like she was alone every day.

Her name? She doesn’t even remember her own name, the poor girl. She named herself Misaki Lee.

Misaki, she couldn’t remember anything, no matter how hard she tried. The only hints of what happened in her past were locked away in her dreams, which she couldn’t even piece together. It was usually one specific dream, which haunted her whenever she was awake. She remembered blood, and a baby, stabbed numerous times. It was the only thing the girl had to seeing, but when she dreamed, she longed to be blind again, like in her reality. It was a painful thing for that girl, anybody could pity her, but it was just that nobody bothered to.

It was a busy world, who would care for such a thing as a blind girl?

Yet, as the gears in the clocks moved on, Misaki stayed in her place in time, trying to find out her past before moving on with the present. That’s when she finally found something to make her stronger, maybe being able to find some sort of clue, maybe for attention.

---

Misaki breathed in and out, feeling her cold breath touch her face. The cold air seemed to cling to her skin, until it became numb. It made the blind girl slightly annoyed, whenever her body tried to shake the numb feelings; it felt like a thousand needles were stabbing her. Then the cold air got a hold on her limbs again, and the cycle continued. It’s why the girl tried to avoid these cold areas, she didn’t like that feeling. The girl started to attempt to walk through the frozen rain that covered the ground, snow.

The girl couldn’t feel any emotions other then her own; she was alone. ‘Why did I have to pick to go here, of all places?’ Misaki thought to herself. The wind picked up, and the blind girl felt some frozen rain drops on her face. The girl brushed them out of her face and kept on walking in the snow storm.

“Damn snow....I wish I hadn’t- what?” Misaki’s eyes grew wide. She felt many emotions north of her, happiness, frustration, anger.........there were too many to note. It was crushing her mind. The girl slowly started to run away from that source, and with every step, the painful emotions that filled her mind diminished. As soon as the last of the emotions left her, she began to head in another direction, away from that place. That’s when her foot got caught on something.

The girl tripped into a pile of snow, and it didn’t seem to end. Misaki just felt like she was still falling into the snow, sinking into a sea of frozen rain. Snow fell on top of the blind girl, and snow parted underneath of her. It felt like hours, sinking into the endless snow pile, until she hit a cold floor.

Misaki felt the floor; it was a smooth floor, probably made of marble. Then she felt an emotion. It was a bored emotion, like it was waiting for something. ‘That person is my only lead to get out of here’ thought Misaki as she felt behind her, a wall of ice. The blind girl slowly held her hands in front of her as she walked, and she soon felt a wall of ice, again, in front of her. Yet, before Misaki got angry, she felt another thing made of ice.......a doorknob. As she turned it, she was overwhelmed with warm air as it opened. All the girl could wonder was ‘What is this place?’ as she entered the door. She felt the person was near as she closed the door. Misaki decided to try to ask something, just incase the person was within hearing range,

“Where am I?”

[Shrub]

Sorry I took so long to respond. Just got back from a trip and a birthday.

Wow ... not bad. You've got a very intriguing style. I like it. However ... you've still got some things to learn on the mechanics of writing. Just some little things. So for now, you're in my intermediate class.

‘Why did I have to pick to go here, of all places?’ Misaki thought to herself.

I see this a lot. Even my advancies have made this mistake. Thoughts are not dialogue/quotations. It's narrative, so it goes by narrative rules, not dialogue/quotation rules.

All you do for inner dialogue/thoughts is italize it. No quotation marks of any kind. You don't even need "Misaki thought to herself." Though you could keep that by doing this:

Why did I have to pick to go here, of all places? Misaki thought to herself.

See?

You also did that here:

‘That person is my only lead to get out of here’ thought Misaki as she felt behind her, a wall of ice. The blind girl slowly held her hands in front of her as she walked, and she soon felt a wall of ice, again, in front of her.

And here.

All the girl could wonder was ‘What is this place?’ as she entered the door.

Fix those.

“Damn snow....I wish I hadn’t- what?” Misaki’s eyes grew wide.

Okay, about that ellipse "...." There are only three periods in an ellipse. It does not matter on how long the pause. If the pause is longer, then you should not do an ellipse and just narrate the pause instead. Understand?

Okay, and here is the right way to do a dash:

Dash—Dash

No spaces. Get me?

Yet, before Misaki got angry, she felt another thing made of ice.......a doorknob.

Here it is again. Only three periods.

Fix those.

Okay, your first assignment is two things:

1. The character I will be using to teach you with is Kai. His profile can be found in my sig. Kai Awai. Read his profile. Beware, it's a long read.

2. After you have done that, move onto your next lesson. You can find lesson one in the intermediate thread.

[Chari]

There wasn't an answer, only silence dawned on the girl.

Misaki walked towards the emotion, it was hurried-like the person was late for something. The blind girl held her arms slightly in front of her, just incase there was a wall inbetween the two. Unfortunately, there was a wall in the way. It was cold and smooth, probably from her entrance from the cold area. Yet Misaki thought it wasn't from the ice and snow, it would have heated back up from now, considering the room temperature.

Oh, a doorknob... thought Misaki as she felt a doorknob. As she turned the doorknob of the strange cold door, she discovered it was locked. The person inside of the room still hurried around, unaware of her presence. The blind girl simply just walked away, thinking she would find somebody else in this place. As she walked, she just couldn't feel anybody anywhere in the building, all she could know was that it seemed endless to the girl. It was like the halls were being built in front of her, nothing came into her way. Misaki decided to see if there was another door along the walls; she did indeed feel a door.

It felt strange, like tree bark was there instead of a door. The doorknob was made of leaves, it felt like they were going to fall apart as she turned it. She felt a warm breeze hit her skin as she entered the door, almost tropical. As soon as she put her foot into the doorway, she felt water on her leg as she tried to reach solid ground. The girl tripped into a deep body of water.

Misaki floated for a while in the water that surrounded her, until she hit the rocky bottom. The girl felt the rocks that had caught her as she floated to the bottom. Some were jagged, fortunately she had landed on a smooth rock. Misaki slowly began to swim upwards. Her form? Just randomly kicking downward; her arms were grabbing water and pushing it under her, like she was climbing a wall. When she began to run out of air, she kicked and climbed faster and harder.

Misaki breathed in and out, savoring the air she reached. The girl clenched to the nearby rock wall, it had the door on it, still open from her fall. She gracefully pulled herself up into the previous room and tried to dry up. The girl closed the door behind her, followed by squeezing the gallons of water tucked away in her long hair. That's when she felt it. A door.

What am I...feeling? she asked herself inside her head. Nothing could explain it, at least nothing in her thoughts, though. She could feel the presence of a certain door, as a figure of it formed in her head, it cried out to her. It wanted her to enter the door, not any other door. It was in front of her, like it had formed when she was taking her swim.

Well, I guess I will enter this one Misaki thought calmly. The girl walked slowly to the door, it was smooth, like a mirror felt like. The doorknob was made of tiny mirrors too, all forming a the figure of a doorknob. She turned it slowly, and she walked inside.

The girl blinked once, then everything changed for her. Colors flooded into her vision like a waterfall, the girl had to close her eyes. It scared the girl, what was happening? Misaki opened her eyes slowly, and she saw things. It was scary for the girl.

Misaki looked around, it was a room full of mirrors, all reflecting one person, unknown to the girl. The ceiling was high, and the length and width of the room just formed a rather large square around the girl. Misaki looked into a mirror to the right of herself, trying to see what the person looked like.

Misaki saw a girl about her height. The girl in the mirror was pale, with trailing black hair to the middle of her back. She had pale blue eyes, that seemed to glare back at her, with an expression unreadable. She wore all black, which seemed to clash with her pale skin. She wore clothing similar to Misaki's own clothing, maybe the same, even. As Misaki moved, the girl moved too. It was not long until Misaki realized, it was herself. She almost broke down into tears, but held them back. She felt so happy. This is what she looked like, this is who she was, this was Misaki Lee.

That's when the image of herself began to mutate. It became cloudy, like the mirrors were being covered with dirt. It stayed that way for a while.

OOC: Yes, I put some things from Lesson Two in it (I think). Anyway, sorry for the delay of posting this. I'll try to post more current in later lessons.

[Shrub]

Nope, that’s good ^^ I don't know what it is, but something about your style pleases me. Kudos.

Anyways, now for the next lesson on ellipses.

Oh, a doorknob... thought Misaki as she felt a doorknob.

For an ellipses to count was a period or some kind of end mark of a sentence, there must be spaces before and after it.

Oh, a doorknob ... thought Misaki as she felt a doorknob.

I think this would be correct. Really, I don't care much about sentence fragments. This is creative writing. You can do sentence fragments. You can break some of the rules. Sorry if I'm pushy about ellipses, but something about an ellipse done incorrectly gets under my skin. I'm a perfectionist with some things; I hope I'm not being too overbearing.

What am I...feeling? she asked herself inside her head.

This is correct, so I'm bringing it up to let you know. Since it was not an end to a sentence or sentence fragment, it's just fine.

Well, I guess I will enter this one Misaki thought calmly.

You need a period after her thought.

But besides that everything was just fine. Move onto the next lesson.

[Chari]

OOC: No, you're doing fine. I'm just glad you aren't a perfectionist with sentence fragments. My english teacher bashes me everytime I use fragments in my creative writing. It's troublesome, since whenever I read a good book, there will always be sentence fragments.

On a lighter note, I'm glad you like my writing ^_^

BIC:
"What?" Misaki asked aloud, "What's happening?"

The image in the mirrors kept on changing. From mountains, to rivers, to forests, to towns, it never stopped. Then Misaki heard a baby cry.

"What's that coming from?" she asked, looking around frantically. It was either it was real, or a recording. The mirrors became clouded with smoke around her again, the baby was still crying. The clouds of smoke were blown away, and there was a scene that appeared around her. It was like she was in the place.

She was in a room, it looked like it was in a fancy estate that the upperclass owned. The floor was a deep navy blue color, the walls a sky blue. Placed in the middle of the room was a woman sitting next to a baby's bed. The woman was comforting the crying child, until it fell asleep. The child curled up into it's mother, and the mother replied by placing the baby back into it's bed.

The baby woke up again, weeping yet again. The mother plugged her nose with her fingers, and walked over to get something, most likely a diaper. The mother walked back to the child, carrying a new diaper. Misaki heard the door open behind her.

"Mother?" asked a girl behind her. Misaki immediately turned around, it sounded exactly like her. A girl walked into the room, she was in horrible condition. There were scratches on her face, and a big X tattoo on her hand. Even though her rags for clothing covered most of her skin, a scar on her leg clearly showed to anyone. The girl had black hair to her shoulders, it looked almost brown, there was so much dirt in it. Misaki realized something.

This was herself, but why was she like this? Misaki finally looked at the girl's eyes; Misaki finally felt scared of herself. They were insane, almost like the girl had lost all sense of reality, and could kill anything without a care. The mother seemed frightened, like Misaki had been.

"Annabel?" the mother said in horror. The mother looked like she wanted to get out of there, but she was frozen. Misaki was some-what relieved, Annabel wasn't her name. But...what if that was my name before? Misaki thought to herself. All she could do was watch the scene play within the mirrors.

"Why are you afraid?" asked the girl, Annabel, "Why don't you want me anymore?" The girl had asked so innocently, but her exterior was screaming something bad about her. It scared Misaki, the mother shielded the baby from sight of Annabel.

"I disowned you, Annabel, go back to the Asylum where you belong" said the mother, trying to sound confident. Annabel seemed to crack inside herself. Misaki froze, since it felt so real, it felt like Annabel would kill her right there.

"Who is that baby?" asked Annabel, looking behind the mother; Annabel's voice was cracking. The mother tried to cover up the baby even more with her body.

"Nathaniel Suzuki" replied the mother. Annabel walked past the mother. Misaki was frozen yet again. Suzuki. That family name sounded familiar. Misaki shook the thought out of her mind, maybe it was a family her family communicated with.

"Baby Brother?" asked Annabel quietly. The mother nodded. Annabel began to stroke the baby's face softly, like it was fragile.

"Nathaniel...is happy" stated Annabel quietly, "Shame." The girl took out two daggers that were conceiled in her clothing. Misaki almost stopped breathing, they were identical to the ones she carried. Yet the blind girl knew what what the girl was going to do, Annabel had blood lust in her eyes.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother in a hurry. Annabel looked into her mother's eyes.

"I want to be your only child, mother" said Annabel, and her daggers flew up and went down. Misaki covered her eyes, she heard the baby crying so loud in pain, the mother breaking down in tears, she didn't hear Annabel make any noise. Misaki felt tears come down her cheeks. The noise all stopped. Misaki uncovered her eyes to see Annabel standing in front of her. In one motion Misaki ran to the door where she entered, it was locked.

"We're the same person, you know" said the girl in the mirror. Misaki looked back at the girl, Annabel. Annabel looked at Misaki curiously. Misaki noticed one thing new about Annabel, she was covered with the baby's blood. Misaki walked back in front of the mirror.

"No we aren't! I'm not like that!" Misaki yelled at Annabel. Annabel laughed like a young child. Annabel reached out of the mirror and grabbed the sides of Misaki's face. Annabel was soon completely out of the mirror.

"I know you fear me, Misaki, I mean, Annabel" Annabel said jokingly, "I don't care if you believe it or not, you'll learn sooner or later."

"No I won't! This is probably a trick illusion by the mirrors!" said Misaki in defense. Annabel sighed, and punched Misaki in the face.

"Didn't I say I didn't care about your opinion of this!" yelled Annabel at the girl on the ground. Misaki stood back up and took her daggers out, so did Annabel. The mirrors soon changed back to normal, they acted like regular mirrors now, all of them reflected Annabel and Misaki.

Misaki charged at Annabel, with her daggers pointed at the girl. Annabel dodged the attack and Misaki scratch a mirror. Misaki felt Annabel attack from behind. As Misaki attempted a counter attack, she saw Annabel smirk. The murderer dodged and threw one dagger at Misaki. Misaki dodged the dagger, it deeply cut her in the arm, though. Misaki yelped and held her wound.

Annabel walked up to Misaki and gave a kind smile. She offered a hand to help Misaki up. Misaki accepted the hand. Annabel's smile turned demented as she punched Misaki in the stomach, hard.

Misaki held her stomach, and threw a punch at Annabel, hitting her in the face. Annabel didn't do anything, she just stood there. The murderer got out her dagger, and gave Misaki another wicked smile. Misaki began to run away from Annabel. It was so fast, she felt Annabel throwing a weapon, right when she was hit with the dagger in the back of her neck.

It was the hilt of the dagger. The girl fell down, pain spreading from her neck, she felt everything go dark, with a shadow of Annabel hovering over her.

---

"Heh, you'll learn sooner or later, Anna" said Annabel as she picked up her two daggers from the ground. She glanced back at Misaki just as a faint breeze started. Annabel smirked, and as the breeze progressed she began to blow away back into the mirror, almost like sand being blown away.

When the breeze was over, Annabel was trapped back into the mirror. Annabel smiled and began walking off, farther from the surface of the mirror. It was not long until she faded back into nothing.

OOC: Gosh, I didn't count the words, was that over 800 words?

[Shrub]

The image in the mirrors kept on changing. From mountains, to rivers, to forests, to towns, it never stopped.

M'kay, though it'd been better to be more creative when describing these things. Make it more interesting for the reader. Poetic. Give little details that give a little life to what mountains, rivers, forests, and towns are. Nothing in an extreme detail, because it's not important enough to give as much detail to. But at least make it more interesting.

"What's that coming from?" she asked, looking around frantically.

Okay, here we are at animating the character. "Looking around frantically" ... what does that mean? To look around frantically. This is what I call telling. Telling can be okay with some things and when used in small amounts, like narrating a character's thoughts and feelings. But when you're describing movements and actions of a character, telling will not suffice. Of course, this is according to my style of writing. I've read plenty of authors who have done amazing work with telling being most of what they do. Though amazing, I still felt it lacked.

Showing is important to describing actions and environments. Telling is not really describing anything. It's so vague. Like "she was crying" ... what does she look like when she cries? Does her nose get all red, eyes wet and red? Damp with tears? Is there light that makes her tears shine in a certain way? Gleam? What is her expression? What contortions does her face do when she is crying? Or is it just blank and expressionless in a numbly depressed way? Sobbing loudly? Or softly without any noise? Sniffing? Wiping at the eyes?

Do you see how much telling lacks? There is so much more to be shown.

So before we move on. I want you to rewrite this

"What's that coming from?" she asked, looking around frantically.

Just this part in a new post. Don't tell me that she is looking around. Show me how she is looking around. Show me Misaki and what she is doing.