[Altamira] Nathan's Training

[Euphoria]

OoC: For I moment I thought I had deleted it and nearly died o.O

IC:

Nathan lashed out with deadly accuracy at one of the many garbed attackers. His shimmering blade struck the enemy’s neck, creating a putrid flow of blood. The vile corpse dropped to the muddy earth as Nate sheathed his sword just as swiftly as it had come out. He retrieved his pistol from his other holster and fired several controlled shots, each of them severely wounding or killing a foe. All around him people were dying at his hands; a lanky, brown-haired man felled by a bullet; a more muscular, yet short man sent to an early grave. More kept on running in fury at him though, and Nate was trapped in a reluctant battle to the death with the men. Why won’t they just give up? He screamed in his head as yet another crazed figure attacked him. He met the fumbling oaf with a quick dodge and bullet in the back, making the foe intake sharply and crash to the ground. They’re only shortening their own lives with this fighting. The unplanned attack had left Nathan startled and another muscular attacker had charged into him, locking his arms on the damp ground. Nathan retaliated with a bolt of lightning that struck his assailant from the quietly pouring heavens. The body on top of him went limp, giving Nate a chance to push him off of him.

He got up and dusted some of the drowning mud off of his rugged costume. The last attacker wasn’t dead, but he wasn’t going to wake up any time soon. Nate had to get away from the place soon. Killing so many men was almost certainly a big enough crime to merit a death warrant. He had to go into hiding to escape justice. Or was it injustice? He was after all, the victim in this unfair drama. Was lethal retaliation still a crime? The boy didn’t want to risk his life even if it wasn’t at stake; so he hurried out of the rain to find shelter.

The explorer hurriedly trudged out of the rain, desperately searching for sanctuary. Everywhere in the dreary village that he had found himself in was either closed, dilapidated beyond repair, or seething with malevolence. All around too, people stared at the boy, as if they knew of the acts he had committed only minutes ago. He abandoned his trudge and set off more desperately to find solace. The menacing village quickly disappeared beneath the horizon and Nate breathed a sigh of relief as it did so. Now the only things around him were the earth he tread on and the fast-darkening skies above. Night would fall soon: the all-enveloping safety of darkness. He slackened his pace a little and sauntered along, trying to push morbid thoughts out of his head.

The sky darkened quicker than he imagined, and the prospect of hiking cold and alone in the endless wilderness was suddenly a very real possibility. Taken over by the dark thoughts, Nate set off at a wild pace in a random direction. He shot a thunderbolt as far ahead as he could manage and almost skipped with joy. The silent flash showed him a town larger than the village he had come through. Surely there was an inn or hotel that he could seek solace from in reasonable comfort? Knowing now that he was in very little danger, Nate, for the last time changed his pace. To pass the time until he reached the settlement Nathan began whistling a happy tune. The melody echoed throughout the barren landscape, being replied to with a few bird squeals and scampers of furry mammals. One other sound however, could be heard amongst the peaceful sounds. It was the hurried tread of dangerous footsteps. Nathan stopped in his tracks, listening intently for any sign of danger. Sensing the abrupt silence, his stalkers too became still.

The boy pushed any thoughts of murderers out of his head and continued on his way to the town; this time humming for comfort. He had no chance to react before the attackers were among him: there were two of them. Women, Nate guessed by their light footfalls. One brought out a long, thin knife while the other remained unarmed. The first struck at Nathan with frightening speed, but the boy parried the blow with his sword just in time. They had clearly rehearsed this though and the unarmed attacker kicked the blade out of Nate’s hands. The two of them then kicked him to his knees and together clasped their hands around his throat. Nate screamed for a second and then lost his voice. The world began spinning and fading, he heard a voice whisper “This is for you” and then he was unconscious.

He awakened staring up at an unblemished sky. He scanned his surroundings: a clearing in an otherwise dense forest with a stream trickling alongside him. He tried to get up, but was submerged in immense, blunt pain. He crashed back down on the ground, gasping for breath. He lay for minutes regaining strength and facts before once again attempting to get up. Nate strode weakly over to the brook and splashed his face with the cool, clean water. His rippled reflection was a hideous picture: blackened eyes and a split lip; haggard and dirty hair; vicious purple grip-marks on his neck. He winced as a drop of the water struck his cracked lip and stepped away form the eerie flow. What shall I do now? he thought. Perhaps just sitting here would be the best thing. He lay down again on the harsh ground and fell into a dreamless stupor.

Nate was awakened once again by the two robed assailants. This time though, they pulled him up by the hands and slung one arm over a shoulder. They transported him like this to the end of the little stream and easily threw him into the pool that the never-ending flow had created. Instead of floating like a dead weight in the water Nate sank downwards. He spiralled further and further towards the bottom of the pool before feeling gravity’s tug on him. The water started draining away and Nate fell downwards onto cold stone. Instantly several old, robed men surrounded him and muttered in unison, “Welcome to the Dome.”

OoC: Go, Super Aiko! Rip it to shreds!

[Altamira]

Okay, let's begin:

Unnecessary prefix here:

The boy re-sheathed his sword just as swiftly as it came out and retrieved his pistol from his other holster.

You don't really need the "re" here before "sheathe". It reads just as well and looks cleaner as:

The boy sheathed his sword just as swiftly as it came out and retrieved his pistol from his other holster.

Also here, I think I'd consider changing the "came out" for "had come out", but it's not vital. The change would just make things a flow a little better, and make it sound more like the sword coming out was an act that occurred in the past, which it was.

Two nitpicky things here:

Nathan lashed out with deadly accuracy at one of the many garbed attackers. His shimmering blade struck the enemy’s neck, creating a putrid flow of blood. The boy re-sheathed his sword just as swiftly as it came out and retrieved his pistol from his other holster. He fired several shots, each of them severely wounding or killing his foes. More kept on coming though, and Nate was trapped in a reluctant battle to the death with the men. One lashed out with a fierce attack with a mace, but was met by a swift dodge and bullet in the back. The unplanned attack left Nathan startled and another attacker had charged into him, locking his arms on the damp ground. Nathan retaliated with a bolt of lightning that struck his assailant from the heavens. The body on top of him went limp, giving Nate a chance to push it off of him.

First--you use "lashed out" to describe attacks twice here. Try coming up with another way to describe the second one, and maybe employ a bit more imagery. Second--the flow of action in this paragraph is good, but it's a little dry and devoid of imagery or personality. Try inserting some thoughts of Nathan's into the action, and describe the foes, their wounds, or some other aspect in more detail to make things a bit more lively. If you need any help or suggestions for doing so, just post here to let me know.

You're in need of another word or two here:

The boy didn’t want to risk his life even if it wasn’t at stake; so hurried out of the rain to find shelter.

This bolded clause needs a little something to be complete. Try something like this:

The boy didn’t want to risk his life even if it wasn’t at stake; so he hurried out of the rain to find shelter.

...or...

The boy didn’t want to risk his life even if it wasn’t at stake; so hurried he did out of the rain to find shelter.

The first is a bit more plain, but choose whichever way you prefer (of course, you can phrase it differently from either way if you'd like.)

I'm going to pause here and let you work on the changes I've asked for, since this is a fairly long (and good!) post. Let me know when you're ready for me to move on.

[Euphoria]

I made the changes you wanted. Please continue with my evaluation.

[Altamira]

Okay, sorry for the delay. Let's resume the evaluation:

Small error here:

Everywhere in the dreary village that he had found himself in was either closed, dilapidated beyond repair or seething with malevolence.

You need a comma before the bolded word, since you are listing multiple things.

Awkward word choice here:

Taken over by the dark thoughts, Nate set off at a wild pace in any direction.

The bolded word sounds strange here--read the sentence aloud to yourself to see if you can tell why. You don't usually use "any" with a positive phrase like "She did any homework." It's generally used in these sorts of situations for negative actions, like "She didn't eat any candy." I'd swap "any" for "a random", so that it reads:

Taken over by the dark thoughts, Nate set off at a wild pace in a random direction.

Some missing commas here:

Knowing now that he was in very little danger Nate for the last time changed his pace.

All right, I'll place commas where I'd naturally take pauses, and you can read it aloud for yourself to see how it sounds:

Knowing now that he was in very little danger, Nate, for the last time, changed his pace.

...And that's all the errors I see worth pointing out. Great work! *applauds* This was very well-written.

Once you finish making the few corrections I asked for, I'll give you a new lesson. Your teacher shall be Cadenza Madrigal (although Hunter Merridale is substituting for her at the moment), since you don't seem to need any grammatical help and are ready to focus on more stylistic areas. :]

[Euphoria]

Applause? Stylistic areas? I'm overwhelmed! I still managed to get those changes done in less than five minutes though.

[Awkin]

Right! Sorry this took so long. I'm your new teacher, and I will be teaching you with Asha, methinks. No reason behind it, but she's awesome and needs to be aired.

...And I really have no idea where you want to take this. Your writing is good, if you can just continue with this same story. Take it where you want to take it, just drop Miss Asha in there somewhere.

Good?

EDIT: Make that Cadenza Madrigal, sorry >>.

[Altamira]

I'm not sure if the recent loss of data has affected this thread, but pick up again whenever you are ready.

[Euphoria]

OoC: Mwah.

IC:

The solemn-looking men dispersed as quickly as they had come, leaving Nathan to silently ponder the events that had just transpired. A couple of garbed attackers beat me half to death, he thought with malice, I was thrown into a pool and arrived here. But where exactly is here? And why was I brought here anyway? He slowly brought himself up into a sitting position, then stood with a wince of pain. He scanned his surroundings quickly: to either side of him were hurriedly carved walls made from great boulders with fancy wooden doors jutting inwards every few metres; people hurried about him like bees, constantly sweeping into the rooms that dotted the large corridor. Oddly, the wide hallway was conjoined to a ceiling that only reached a couple of feet above Nate’s head. He silently pitied those taller than him for a moment.

The adventurer must have stood with a stupid grin on his face longer than he imagined, because a small crowd of girls had gathered and were giggling maliciously at him. One bold youth with horrific ginger pigtails and painfully typical freckles had the pluck to walk up and thump Nathan hard on the arm, dispelling him from his reverie. There must be more to this…Dome than what I’ve seen so far. Perhaps I should explore. The boy quickly flipped an imaginary coin and set off in the opposite direction to the horrible little girls. The single hallway continued on for what seemed like miles before Nathan finally stopped to catch his breath.

“Excuse me,” Nate asked tiredly to a passer-by. “Would you mind telling me where I am?” The woman gave a slight chuckle. She seemed to be in her late-twenties, with an air of style and confidence about her. She seemed like the kind of person not to be trifled with.

“Of course,” she replied with a smile. “You are at the Dome: school of magic, fighting, and everything in between.” Nathan gave the woman a polite smile and walked away, even though he was no less uncertain of why he was here. Was he supposed to enrol in classes and learn to be the best darn fighter he can be? Nate somehow doubted it. An intricate trap to lure the boy into a false sense of security by a couple of cunning pirates seemed somehow more believable. Might as well play along for a while, he thought sceptically. Perhaps they have a foyer or reception that could answer a few of my questions.

Nathan set off once again in search of answers, but as he walked he became increasingly worried by the lack of exits or turns that the building had. The entire establishment seemed to be one endless hallway. A feeling of helplessness slowly engulfed Nate, until all he was doing was trudging meaninglessly along the huge corridor, just trying to keep from thinking the horrible thoughts that had enveloped his mind. All of a sudden the despair and despondence he had felt was gone with one simple call of his name. He turned around sharply to meet eyes with the woman he had questioned what seemed like hours ago.

Now with time to inspect the woman more thoroughly, Nathan noticed that she was quite pretty. Her long black hair matched the olive skin perfectly, and she knew how to work with what she had when it came to clothes. “Nathan,” the woman repeated. “I am Cadenza Madrigal, your teacher for the foreseeable future here at the Dome. It occurred to me after you left that the Dome can be a bit frightening at first for new-comers. So I’m giving you a chance now to ask me whatever you want.” Nathan’s head immediately buzzed with questions.

“Why am I here?” he asked swiftly.

“To learn how to be the best you can be in both fighting and the magic arts."

“Why did you go to so much effort bringing me here?” he asked next. “And why so forcibly?”

“We had to ensure you would come.”

Nathan quite suddenly didn’t feel the need to ask any questions. He had nothing better to do, so why not join this school? After graduating the adventures he took part in would be much easier and smoother. “Then what the Hell,” he said through a big grin. “Sign me up.”

[Altamira]

Let's start:

There are a few small typos scattered throughout, so I'll just point out a couple to remind you to proofread for things like these:

“Of course,” she replied with a smile. “You are at the Dome: school of magic, fighting, and everything in between.” Nathan gave the woman a polite smile and walked away, even though he was no less uncertain of why he was here. Was he supposed to enrol in classes and learn to be the best darn fighter he can be? Nate somehow doubted it. An intricate trap to lure the boy into a false sense of security by a couple of cunning pirates seemed somehow more believable. Might as well play along for a while, he thought sceptically. Perhaps they have a foyer or reception that could answer a few of my questions.

The first bolded word should be "enroll". Second one should be "skeptically".

An awkward bit here:

A feeling of helplessness slowly engulfed Nate, until all he was doing was trudging meaninglessly along the huge corridor, just to keep from thinking the horrible thoughts that had enveloped his mind.

Read this sentence aloud to yourself and see if you can catch the mistake--the bolded part is missing a word or needs to be rephrased. A way to fix it would be to change it to this:

A feeling of helplessness slowly engulfed Nate, until all he was doing was trudging meaninglessly along the huge corridor, just trying to keep from thinking the horrible thoughts that had enveloped his mind.

Sound better? The verbs in that bolded clause and the clause before it needed to be put into the same tense for the sentence to properly flow. If you're confused by this, just let me know.

...And that's all. Great work! I liked how well you portrayed Cadenza for what was just your first time writing her. Just fix those couple of mistakes I pointed out, and then I'll give you your next assignment. :]

[Euphoria]

You may have noticed that I haven't changed the "typos" you pointed out. They are in fact English spellings! Even though the majority of the BA is American or somewhere along those lines I would like to keep my English spellings, so that I don't write the American ones in school by accident or anything.

Joy for me. I was actually quite worried about portraying Cadenza, so it is a relief to know I've done okay. And oh yeah, I've changed the other mistake you pointed out.

[Altamira]

Originally Posted by Sweet Simplicity

You may have noticed that I haven't changed the "typos" you pointed out. They are in fact English spellings! Even though the majority of the BA is American or somewhere along those lines I would like to keep my English spellings, so that I don't write the American ones in school by accident or anything.

Bwuh? *bops self on head* My apologies, I'm familiar with a few alternate spellings of words, but I hadn't seen those before. Aikies' first language wasn't actually even English at all. ^^;;

But excuses, excuses! Feel free to smack me the next time I point out something like that. I'm ignorant. <_<;;

*will give you a lesson in a little bit--she still needs to decide on one*

[Altamira]

Lesson time!

Cadenza will turn to a nearby door marked with an anchor, and beckon Nathan to go inside, cryptically telling him that what he finds on the other side of the door will lead him to a dormitory the Dome has prepared for him. As the boy nears the doorway, she'll give him a push forward and he'll drop down onto a barrel floating on a dark, wide river, where a violent storm is brewing. On either bank, there are strange, man-eating plants that will snap at anything that tries to climb up the high muddy walls, and so Nathan will be forced to navigate his way down the river on a barrel alone. Describe his trip.

After some time, the boy should find a riverboat slowly making its way down the river as well. He must find a way to get himself safely onboard. End your post with Nathan making it on deck and meeting a grimy sailor.

[Euphoria]

OoC: It's actually nearly as big as my intro post. I thoroughly enjoyed writing that, Miss Aiko. Thankies ^.^

IC:

Every step through the impossibly large Dome made Nathan more and more agitated. He still hadn’t completely ruled out the possibility that the entire thing was just one big ruse, but Cadenza seemed too sharp to be some clever ploy. If she was part of a plot Nathan expected her to be much nicer. After their initial meeting and the little interview Nate had found the woman to be witty and clever, although she didn’t resort to sarcasm. She didn’t seem to find anything terribly funny though; he looked forward to learning more about the mysterious woman.

“So where are we going?” he asked in a bubbly manner.

“Do you want to sleep in the hallway?” Cadenza replied.

“No. But I don’t see how that answers my question.”

The woman stopped abruptly in front of a door. It was exactly the same as everything else in the Dome except there was a large blue anchor printed on it.
“Follow this pathway,” she said again cryptically. For a second Nate felt that she was enjoying herself. Not wanting to incur the odd woman’s wrath again, Nate obliged. He pushed the door open with quite some exertion and peered into the room beyond. Just as he was about to tell Cadenza he would rather not the woman give him a nudge. Startled, the boy stepped forward slightly then fell into the room. He landed uncomfortably on something hard and glanced up quickly to the doorway. It was sealed tight.

That confirms it,he whispered to himself. It is all a trick. But I’m not giving up without a fight! I wonder where this tunnel leads. He took a closer look at his surroundings: he was floating on a metal-ringed barrel in the middle of a body of water. A river it seemed, although it was completely still. Its banks were a long way off but Nathan saw some things moving in the dull light. He put his hands in the vile water to try and move the barrel; the water was stagnant and slimy, and he could feel hundreds of tiny fish rushing past him. “How am I supposed to get out of here?” he shouted. The boy kicked at the water in frustration. “It stinks down here,” he said, more sullen this time.

He had no idea how much time had passed by since Cadenza – if that was her real name – had pushed him into the swamp. There was no wind, no sun; the only lives other than him were the ominous shapes in the distance and the tiny creatures beneath him. He fired several piercing bullets at the ceiling in anger, making a huge cracking sound. Suddenly a violent burst of wind filled the room and Nate’s barrel started moving rapidly. The water started flowing downwards and a tiny cloud was producing lightning and rain above him.

From the intermittent flashes of lightning Nathan had determined that the creatures on the banks were some sort of carnivorous plants. They snapped wildly at him if the barrel went within a few metres of the edge. Behind the plants were huge muddy walls that seemed to be concealing something. The plants were no doubt there to stop Nate from escaping in any direction other than the one set out for him.

As he wound his way down the tunnel the storm seemed to be getting more violent. His barrel was practically thrown about and he had to resort to fighting off the plants with his sabre more than once. Light was still only coming from the eerily enlarging cloud above him as the lightning got drastically closer. Perhaps I should harness that lightning, he thought. It’s getting pretty close, and if this barrel is destroyed I’m doomed. He outstretched his hand as he prepared for the massive energy boost. He would have to create his own strand of lightning to join with the wild one if he wanted to harness it. The boy stood up nervously then created a thin whip of electricity. He held it just below the cloud for a few seconds until the lightning came again. It struck his beam just as planned and both flashed back inside him. He felt rejuvenated and energised, but there was no time to release his adrenaline.

Another boat seemed to be coming alongside him. It was very long and thin, with only one distinguishable person on it. I need to get on that he thought wildly. “Hey!” Nate shouted over the howling wind. “Can you help me?” The passenger seemed not to have heard him, so he tried again. “I need help; my barrel is sinking.” The person heard him this time and turned around urgently. He shrugged his shoulders as if he had no means of helping him. “You have to have something!” Nathan shrieked.

The man disappeared below his boat for a little while then came back with a thin plank. He made a thumbs-up sign then began aligning his boat with Nate’s. It took some time: the wind kept on shifting around Nathan’s barrel and he had to fight off a few more planks. Once the plank was laid to make a ford between the two boats Nathan realised how tricky a situation he was in. The plank was very long and flimsy and the wind was constantly beating viciously. If he had difficulty standing on his sturdy barrel this would be nigh impossible. The other man seemed fairly confident though, and it was Nate’s only hope.

He began by getting a firm grip on the barrel then stood up. Once upright the wind crashed into him like a bag of bricks. He was nearly knocked off there and then but just managed to stay on. With next to no hope Nathan put his first foot on the plank and tested to see if it would hold his weight. The wood bent slightly but showed no inclination of breaking. He then put his other foot on the plank and spread-eagled his arms for balance. The wind beat furiously on Nathan and it took all of his power not to let himself be thrown away into the river.

Second after agonizing second passed as Nate moved painfully slowly across the ford. Finally, he was done and breathed a sigh of immeasurable relief as his feet touched the river boat. He looked at his saviour: a beaten-looking man probably in his fifties. He was plainly dressed and had a small grey pony-tail. The only true distinguishing feature about him was that he had one hand. “Well done lad,” he said in a rough, haggard accent. “Miss Madrigal sends her regards, and wants me to direct you to your quarters."

Nathan felt like strangling the woman, but that would have to wait for later.

[Altamira]

Let's begin!

Formatting issue first:

“No. But I don’t see how that answers my question.” The woman stopped abruptly in front of a door. It was exactly the same as everything else in the Dome except there was a large blue anchor printed on it. “Follow this pathway,” she said again cryptically. For a second Nate felt that she was enjoying herself. Not wanting to incur the odd woman’s wrath again, Nate obliged. He pushed the door open with quite some exertion and peered into the room beyond. Just as he was about to tell Cadenza he would rather not the woman give him a nudge. Startled, the boy stepped forward slightly then fell into the room. He landed uncomfortably on something hard and glanced up quickly to the doorway. It was sealed tight.

A new paragraph should be started with each line of dialogue here--every time a new speaker begins, or some other person performs an action between their lines of dialogue, you should start a new paragraph. Applying that rule, the quoted paragraph should look like this:

“No. But I don’t see how that answers my question.”

The woman stopped abruptly in front of a door. It was exactly the same as everything else in the Dome except there was a large blue anchor printed on it.

“Follow this pathway,” she said again cryptically.

For a second Nate felt that she was enjoying herself. Not wanting to incur the odd woman’s wrath again, Nate obliged. He pushed the door open with quite some exertion and peered into the room beyond. Just as he was about to tell Cadenza he would rather not the woman give him a nudge. Startled, the boy stepped forward slightly then fell into the room. He landed uncomfortably on something hard and glanced up quickly to the doorway. It was sealed tight.

It may look overly-spaced out at first, but this is the general format of roleplaying and prose. In time, you might come to appreciate it as being easier to read than having the dialogue lost in paragraphs of descriptions and unrelated actions.

Apply this rule to any other instances where this problem occurs.

This next thing is merely a question I had, and not an error I'm pointing out:

He fired a bolt of electricity at the ceiling, making a huge cracking sound. Suddenly a violent burst of wind filled the room and Nate’s barrel started moving rapidly. The water started flowing downwards and a tiny cloud was producing lightning and rain above him.

How can Nathan shoot electricity while in a river without being electrocuted (or at least badly shocked?) o_O

Aside from those things, I see nothing to draw attention to. Great job! This was very well done--I liked how Nathan's distrust of the Dome and Cadenza was interjected throughout. It really gave a sense of how he was feeling throughout this whole experience. :]

Fix that little formatting issue, and once I'm satisfied that you understand it, I'll give you a new lesson.

[Euphoria]

*Slaps self*

The formatting issue was nothing more than a silly mistake and I'll fix the logical error too in a jiffy.

EDIT - Done.