[Altimara] Viratious's Training

[VenomousNinja]

Viratious stepped out of a blue and white dimensional portal, waved his hand, and it closed.

"Hmm. Where am I now?" Viratious wondered...

He had stepped in front of a blue and white castle. It had four towers, four windows between the towers, and upon the door was the castle crest. The castle crest was two swords forming an X with sparkles coming off of them.

"This'll be fun." Viratious said as he entered the castle, and just as he did, two men dressed in basic white ninja garmets carrying long, sharp, and enchanted swords with blue handles jumped down from their hiding spot above the door. One landed on the right, one on the left.

The man on the right spoke in a deep voice, "Heh, if he really want's to fight others, he'll have to get past us, now won't he, Nouroo?" the ninja on the right turned to the left one...

The left one responded, "Yes he will, Mizoo, yes he wi-" the ninja's discussion was stopped when Viratious blasted them both to the ground and placed a stun curse on them.

"If you were ninja, you would shut up and kill me! Now where are the other people to fight here?"

"In one of those rooms!" the ninja on the left could barley speak. Viratious looked around.

There was a door in each direction with signs next to them. Viratious walked towards one. "The ritual room? No!" Viratious turned to the next sign, "The dome, hmm. Maybe..."

Viratious walked through the left door.

The room was all black, then two lights came on, both shining on a door of their own. One read training, the other read battles.

"Hmm. I guess I'll go into training first, the people here might be strong." Viratious went through the left door that read "training", only to be in another black room again...

Viratious had a horrible sensation that someone was watching him, suddenly the lights came on, Viratious could hear footsteps echoing through the room...

"Who's there?!" Viratious cried out in a panicky sort of way..

"Just me..." a voice said, Viratious started charging up an attack to kill whoever was near.

"Are you friend or foe?" Viratious had to almost yell as the sound of the charging spell was growing louder.

"Friend!" echoed the voice.

Viratious started charging up another spell, one for each hand... "Show yourself!" Viratious called out.

"I might, but, then again, I might not!" the voice seemed to be mocking him now.

"Just show yourself!" Viratious was on the verge of trying to blow the room up...

I'll show him, I'll just combine these two attacks and blow this place up, with him in it, but before I die, I'll escape and find refuge!

Viratious attempted to pound the ground to cause an explosion, but before he could, he was flying into the wall and being restrained by electricity.

"Gahh... Let me go!"

"I know much about you Viratious, maybe you should just let me kill you."

"Never!"

"Why not, you'd see your mother and father. You'd be able to talk to them, be a part of their family." Viratious started feeling his energy being drained... Then, he could not conjure even a hair to save his life.

"I'll kill him before I die... I'll murder Ipirica!"

"You had your chance, but now look at you, Viratious." The voice came closer, and a figure was revealed.

The figure was tall, had white hair, and was wairing a golden necklace with an ancient symbol on it. The man wore a mixture of white and black clothes, with an ancient symbol in red on his right palm.

"Ipirica..." Viratious was awe-struck. The person that murdered his parents, many years ago, was still alive, and for that matter, still young!

"Obviously. Now, you'll soon see your parents, after you answer my questions." Viratious felt a little of his energy return to him! Ipirica had slipped up, he would die today!

"Never!" Viratious roared as he used a basic battle spell to absorb energy from things around the room, even Ipirica and his spell.

Viratious dropped to the floor onto his knees, but quickly got up, only to be blasted by a spell packed with fire.

"Ahh!" Viratious yelled as he extinguished the flames and blasted a death spell at Ipirca, however, Ipirica avoided the spell.

"You really think that you would defeat me in a battle, only after ten years of living after your parents death."

"Yes, however I didn't think I would defeat you, I knew that I would kill you." And with that comment, the battle between rivals had begun.

[Altamira]

This doesn't meet the 400-word minimum (it's off by about 90 words.) Also, you might want to re-format it into easier-to-read paragraphs, but we'll get to that after you've expanded your post first.

[VenomousNinja]

OOC: Ok, it's expanded, what now?

[Altamira]

All right, the last thing you need to do before I begin grading is split your post into easier-to-read paragraphs. Simply hit enter in-between each one, leaving a line of space, like this:

Viratious stepped out a blue and white dimensional portal, waved his hand, and it closed.

"Hmm... Where am I now?" Viratious wondered...

He had stepped in front of a blue and white castle, it had four towers, four windows between the towers (one between two towers), and the castle crest, two swords with sparkles coming off of them forming an X, on the front door.

[VenomousNinja]

OOC: Done that, now... Grade and new assignment, please.

[Awkin]

Alright -- I'll be taking this next assignment, then chances are Aiko will be wanting you back.

Take this conversation with the stranger further. He seems to know more about Viratious than he should. IT turns out he has been tracking him down.

I want you to give this stranger a motive, character and some backstory. You can kill him if you feel like, but there should be some decent dialog. 450 words minimum. I'm sure you can manage it.

Oh, and you can use this page to count how many words you're a-using ^_~.

[VenomousNinja]

OOC: Aiko? Altamira claimed me (and many others). Anyway, I've expanded and updated, so, grade?

[Altamira]

Data loss has struck again. <_<

Would you still like me to grade the first post, since it has not been done?

[VenomousNinja]

Yea, that would be nice.

[Altamira]

Okay, let's begin:

Viratious stepped out a blue and white dimensional portal, waved his hand, and it closed.

You're missing the word "of" after the bolded word here. The sentence should read like:

Viratious stepped out of a blue and white dimensional portal, waved his hand, and it closed.

Search through your post to check for any other missing words. If you aren't sure whether or not a sentence is missing one, read it aloud to yourself to see.

"Hmm... Where am I now?" Viratious wondered...

The ellipsis (three dots) here aren't needed--just change it to a single period. The feeling of wonder is already conveyed by Viratious' thoughts and the use of the word "wonder". ;P

He had stepped in front of a blue and white castle, it had four towers, four windows between the towers (one between two towers), and the castle crest, two swords with sparkles coming off of them forming an X, on the front door.

There are a lot of broken sentence fragments stuck together here (I've bolded one and underlined the other.) You have a bunch of independent clauses (sentences that can stand on their own) put together with nothing to connect them properly. You can fix this in a couple of different ways.

First way:

He had stepped in front of a blue and white castle. It had four towers, with four windows between the towers (one of which was between two towers). The castle crest, which was two swords with sparkles coming off of them forming an X, was on the front door.

In this method, you split most of them up into separate sentences, and add a few connecting words. Read it aloud to yourself to see how it flows better than the original version.

Also, the part in parentheses here that I bolded isn't necessary.

Second way:

He had stepped in front of a blue and white castle, which had four towers, with four windows between the towers, and a castle crest, consisting of two swords with sparkles coming off of them forming an X, on the front door.

Here, you use several connecting words like "with" and "which" to improve the flow of the sentence and fix the problem.

Choose whichever of the two ways you prefer to fix the error, or if you don't like either, try changing it up on your own.

Once I see that you understand that concept, and have applied it to any other sentence fragments in your post, I'll continue grading. Post here when you finish to let me know.

[VenomousNinja]

Okay, I think I have it all... Do I?

[Altamira]

You still have left the parentheses and the ellipsis I mentioned. The ellipsis problem occurs throughout the post, and should be fixed each time. Also, your edit to this sentence...

It had four towers, four windows between the towers (one between a pair towers), and on the door there was the castle crest.

...does not work, because it does not have parallel structure. Read it aloud to yourself and see if you know what I mean. When listing something, every item in the list must be in the same format. You don't say, "I went to the grocery store, was eating my lunch, and had paid the bills." That's structurally incorrect and sounds silly. Instead, you say, "I went to the grocery store, ate lunch, and paid the bills." Every verb is in the same tense, and every piece has the same format.

It's the same idea here. Your sentence should be changed to:

It had four towers, four windows between the towers, and a castle crest upon the door.

And I'll just point out a misspelling here:

"Who's there?!" Viratious cried out in a paniccy sort of way..

The bolded word should be "panicky".

I'll pause here to see if you understand the parallel structure bit. Once you show me that you do, we'll continue moving on.

[VenomousNinja]

Okay, I think I fixed it.

Is that good? Any more mistakes?

[Altamira]

There are some more, but I won't point them all out now. We can wait to work on some things in future posts.

Here's the last of the ones I'll mention:

"Friend!" Echoed the voice.

The "e" of echoed should not be capitalized, because it's in the middle of a sentence and it's not a proper noun (a name) or the word "I". Even though the dialogue part ends with an exclamation point, the piece that follows is still part of the same sentence, and so it should be treated as such. Capitalizing the "e" there is just like this: "Timmy Rode a rollercoaster yesterday." That doesn't look correct, right? Your sentence's grammar is flawed in the same way.

This problem repeats itself elsewhere in the post, like here...

"Just me..." A voice said, Viratious started charging up an attack to kill whoever was near.

...so look for more errors like this and fix them.

Parallel structure issue here:

The figure was tall, had white hair, was wairing a golden necklace with an ancient symbol on it, and a mixture of white and black clothes, with an ancient symbol tatooed in red on his right palm.

I've already explained parallel structure and how to fix errors with it in an earlier post, so look at that and apply the things I told you.

After you fix those things, start your new lesson--which is to continue the battle you begun. Have your post end with Viratious finding himself in the Dome somehow.

Oh, and for future reference, your teacher will be my character, Louis Fritz.

[VenomousNinja]

OOC:I think I fixed it... So, I'll just continue with my new assignment.

BIC:
Flames shot up from the ground and swallowed Ipirica, only to be countered with an aura of total water energy.

"Damn..." Viratious whispered as he jumped at Ipirica, palms outstretched, sent a blast of death magic at him, and burst into flames all at once.
Ipirica sent a golden beam at Viratious that countered his attack and hit him head-on. Viratious fell to the ground, and felt Ipirca's boot upon his head.

"You will die just like your parents. Just not now..." Ipirica took his boot off of Viratious and walked towards the door.

"Bad leave..." Viratious whispered, and with that he sent a chain of flames up and around Ipirica's neck. It tightened, tighter and tighter, until Ipirica was coughing and gasping for air.
Viratious stood up, walked towards Ipirica, and snapped his fingers. The chain disappeared, Ipirica fell to his knees, and Viratious kicked him in the face, sending him back three feet.

"Gahh..." Ipirica disappeared, and Viratious walked towards the door.
---
"THIS IS SO CONFUSING!" Viratious was in mental and physical pain after walking through at least a thousand doors, and as of current he was in a black room with no lights.
Two lights came on, and there was another door at the opposing end of the room, it rattled, again, then again, and then it broke.
Shards of wood went everywhere, and a black hand came out of the blank space behind the door, grabbing and pulling him through the emptiness behind the door.
The door disappeared, and a new one appeared at the other end of the room. It opened, and a person walked through it.

"Welcome to... The Dome." It said.

[Altamira]

In the interest of giving my TAs some work, I'm reassigning you to my assistant, Halcyon Hero. He will be grading all of your assignments and giving you all your new lessons from here on out, starting with the one you've just posted.

[VenomousNinja]

Originally Posted by Altamira

In the interest of giving my TAs some work, I'm reassigning you to my assistant, Halcyon Hero. He will be grading all of your assignments and giving you all your new lessons from here on out, starting with the one you've just posted.

*runs around in cricles*
AWESOME! A NEWERERE TEACHA!!! WHOOOHHOO!!

In all seriousness, this is awesome! It helps everybody!

[Halcyon Hero]

Flames shot up from the ground and swallowed Ipirica, only to be countered with an aura of total water energy.
"Damn..." Viratious whispered as he jumped at Ipirica, palms outstretched, sent a blast of battle magic at him, and burst into flames all at once.
Ipirica sent a golden beam at Viratious that hit him head-on. Viratious fell onto the ground, and felt Ipirca's boot upon his head.
"You will die just like your parents. Just not now..." Ipirica took his boot off of Viratious and walked towards the door.

Three things here. First, “battle magic” is too loose of a definition. “Battle” magics could be anything, and only really serves as a classification rather than a description. Better to say, “pure energy”, or “burning magic”, or something of the like.

Second: “Onto” implies that the subject is just now making contact with the object. However, Viratious is already on the ground, is he not? So, to clear this up, “onto” should be changed to “to”, which implied a closer contact, which may have already been established (as is the case here.)

Lastly: paragraph spacing. When a new person takes over speech, skip down two spaces, not one. Also, do not skip down a space after every sentence or so. You’re breaking up your writing way too much. Here, there above should look something more like this:

Flames shot up from the ground and swallowed Ipirica, only to be countered with an aura of total water energy.

"Damn..." Viratious whispered as he jumped at Ipirica, palms outstretched, sent a blast of battle magic at him, and burst into flames all at once. Ipirica sent a golden beam at Viratious that hit him head-on. Viratious fell onto the ground, and felt Ipirca's boot upon his head.

"You will die just like your parents. Just not now..." Ipirica took his boot off of Viratious and walked towards the door.

"THIS IS SO CONFUSING!!!" Viratious was in mental and physical pain after walking through at least a thousand doors, he was in a black room with no lights.

Alright, a writer should almost never write in full caps. The only real (grammatically) acceptable exception is when conveying the strongest emotion possible, and even then only a word or three, and never a whole sentence. It’s just not really looked upon respectably. It’s much more acceptable to use italics—like I just did. It conveys a stronger emotion and is aesthetically pleasing. “This is so confusing!”

Also, try to refrain from using more than one exclamation point. You only really want to use more than one punctuation mark when using a question mark followed by an exclamation point (?!).

Now, the bolded sentence is worded confusingly. Let’s divide it up into three parts.

“Viratious was in mental and physical pain”
“after walking through at least a thousand doors”
“he was in a black room with no lights.”

Now, part one and two fit nicely together, and part two and three fit nicely together. The trouble is, parts one and three don’t, making the entire junction of all three ill-conceived. To fix this, simply divide the three parts into two whole sentences, attributing part two to either part one or part two. But, you also have to add to whichever part you leave by itself (one or three), because neither can stand on its own. If you isolate part one, you have to give a reason why he’s in pain, and if you isolate part three, you have to tell how he suddenly arrived in said black room.

Shards of wood went everywhere, a black hand came out of the blank space behind the door, grabbed Viratious, and pulled him through the emptiness behind the door.

The two actions of the wood splintering and a hand reaching out of the blank space are not directly related, so you need to separate them with an “and”, right between the bolded “everywhere” and “a”.

Honestly, I’m unsure how to properly explain the why of this, but “grabbed” and “pulled” work better in this instance as “grabbing” and “pulling”. Which means that comma between “Viratious” and “and” needs to be eliminated.

The door disappeared, and a new one appeared at the other end of the room. It opened, and a person walked through the door.

We’ve already established “the door” as the subject of this particular section, so you don’t need to mention it twice in linear sentences. Just saying, “and a person walked through” will suffice.

Also, just to show you once more about the spacing thing, I’ve re-organized this last bit to how it should be. There’s also a little bit in the middle of your post that I haven’t shown you, but I want you to try and fix it yourself.

"THIS IS SO CONFUSING!!!" Viratious was in mental and physical pain after walking through at least a thousand doors, he was in a black room with no lights. Two lights came on, and there was another door at the opposing end of the room, it rattled, again, then again, and then it broke. Shards of wood went everywhere, a black hand came out of the blank space behind the door, grabbed Viratious, and pulled him through the emptiness behind the door. The door disappeared, and a new one appeared at the other end of the room. It opened, and a person walked through the door.

"Welcome to... The Dome." It said.

Fix those, and post your next assignment.

Viratious sees that the speaker is a young boy, only a few years older than himself. The boy is dressed in a blue and silver page uniform. Have the boy explain the Dome to Viratious, and guide him through a vast and winding complex of corridors. Describe the various rooms and halls they pass through, until they finally arrive at a solid steel door, with a series of runes Viratious can’t decipher sprawling across it. And . . . oh, let’s say a 600 word minimum.

[VenomousNinja]

OOC: Okay, I think I fixed it all, Mr.Heroteacher!

Bic: "Niiiiiiiiiiice...." Viratious put on his dullest voice possible. The boy at the opposing side of the room was two or three years older then Viratious, and dressed in a blue and silver uniform.

"What?" the boy was curious.

"Nevermind! I just have one question to ask you." There was a small pause, "Are you, by any chance, going to try to kill me?" Viratious was worried after the last three rooms he had been in, mixed with his recent experience with Ipirica.

"Not unless you give me a reason to, of course!" the boy seemed almost cheerful. "Infact, I am your teacher!" Viratious now knew why.

"I see... So what kind of teacher are thou?"

"Thou? Nice use of words!" The boy laughed. "I am your battle teacher!"

"Cool! So, are we going to be training in here?"

"Not at all! Follow me!" And so Viratious did. They went through many, many rooms, which often repeated themselves. The most common ones were made of metal, and had some sort of artificial, bloodthirsty plant in it. Others were very long forests, or length-wise similar seas which he had to row across. Some made Viratious delusional, others made him serious, while still some made extremely happy or sad for no reason at all.

"Where are we going exactly?" Viratious was getting irritated with all the walking, jumping, climbing, rowing, and many other similar things.

"Somewhere, but as of current, I'm bored... And tired. How about you?" the boy's voice had a hidden glee in it.

"Yea!" Viratious was excited at the thought of rest.

"I'm going to take a break here." They were in another metal room, although this one had a steel door at the end with strange runes sprawled across it. The boy sat down at the left-most corner closest to the door they had just come through.

"Meh, I guess I am too." Viratious was walking toward the boy.

"No, you're not."

"What?" The boy clapped his hands, and the steel door's surface rippled. The ripple echoed through the room, and when it hit Viratious he sank into the ground. The metal immediately hardened, and two people made of sand jumped through the floor and landed, with all of their bodies free to move. Viratious scanned the newcomers. The sand people were carrying hammers, and had masks, spiked-gloves, spiked boots, and three narrow items hanging in small pouches on each side near their boots, all made out of sand.

"Get 'em, boys!" the boy laughed.

"What?!" Viratious was awestruck, angry, and very, very helpless as the two sand people launched toward him, wielding their huge hammers.

"Gruhhh!" the sand people yelled in loud but muffled voices. They swung their hammers at the same time while still in midair. Viratious was barley able to avoid the attack. He ducked, snapped his fingers, and opened three endless holes in the ground that immediately started spouting flame. The holes started moving in a circle revolving around the two enemies.

"Just great..." the boy yawned. "Guess I'll have to up the ante!" He clapped his hands again, and from the floor came two people identical to the sand people that were made from complete fla