[Altamira] Carcaroth's training

OoC: Well, here it goes

BiC:

The cold air swept over the landscape as a wave, making Carcaroth shiver as he walked. He wrapped himself even more in the cloak he had brought, and swore under his breath. Walking to the Dome had been discouraged by many of his friends, but he had insisted to do so, as he had thought it would be exercising.

You're foolish, you know that?

"Shut up," Carcaroth said aloud to himself. The voice in his head laughed, which was even more annoying. Ever since that day in the forest, where Carcaroth had been captured and almost sacrificed... Kerel had been like a parasite, showing up in his head at the worst moments possible. The demon was as rude as he was evil.

Show some respect, Carcaroth. You know that you're going to the Dome just because you are so much weaker than me.

"That is NOT true!" Carcaroth snapped at himself. Kerel just continued laughing. However, he remained silent as Carcaroth walked. Over the fields, through the forests... how he could go on like this, Kerel did not know. There had to be some credit for the weakling; he was tough. Not strong, but tough.

You know, in my form we can get to the Dome in no time...

"Absolutely not!" Carcaroth said angrily. "Do you think people down there will teach a DEMON? Or a human with a demon inside him? Hell no!"

Only a suggestion to make it easier for you...

Carcaroth continued to walk. And thus, in an instant, he stumbled over. There was suddenly a hole in the ground, which he had put his foot into, and now he fell. And he fell hard. Yelling in pain, he saw that he had twisted his ankle. He wouldn't be able to walk.

"Kerel..." Carcaroth muttered angrily as he bit his teeth hard together. "You did this, didn't you?"

Why, there was a hole in the ground! But now you can only agree that I have to take over from here?

Carcaroth remained silent. It was far too dangerous, but he could not walk himself. And having a demon go into the Dome was like asking to get killed. Or at least that was what the butcher in Carcaroth's hometown always used to say.

"Never EVER trust a demon! They are all foul beasts!"

Or something like that.

"Alright... just - fly to a spring where I can heal this ankle, and then you may fly near the Dome. From there I can go myself."

See? You trust me.

"By far I don't..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took Kerel five minutes to find a spring where Carcaroth could heal, again with Kerel's help. While sitting there, waiting for it to be fully healed, Carcaroth couldn't help wondering why Kerel did this. Why he used a weaker, younger human when he could use so many others that were stronger and wiser. Kerel himself was a very strong demon, almost too strong. Which was why he constantly teased Carcaroth. He was too strong for Carcaroth to shut him out of his head. Maybe that was the reason why Carcaroth was heading for the Dome.

"Alright, time to fly," Carcaroth yawned, and stood up. He slowly left control of the body to the demon. The first thing the demon did was give himself a friendly pat on the shoulder.

"You just see now," he said with Carcaroth's voice. "I CAN be trusted."

Inside his own head, Carcaroth suddenly felt something growing out of his back. But as Kerel did not turn to see, neither could Carcaroth.

What's going on?

"If I am to fly, I gotta have wings, silly boy," Kerel smirked. He suddenly leaped into the air, and Carcaroth waited him to fall. But instead, a sudden flapping noise came from behind, and Kerel went higher and higher. They were actually flying.

What the - ?!

"Fun, innit?" Kerel laughed, and darted forwards. Carcaroth could only watch with wide eyes. He had never let Kerel fly before, and had never done so himself. It was as if they could crash into anything at anytime. How Kerel could manoeuvre around like he did was a mystery.

"The Dome!" Kerel exclaimed, and pointed. Carcaroth saw it, too. The Dome, in all its glory.

Land, now!

Kerel waited a little, and then he began to fly down. When they were safely back at the ground, Kerel left control to Carcaroth.

"Thank you," he said to himself. Kerel did not reply, but Carcaroth felt that the demon nodded (or whatever he actually did inside Carcaroth's head)

And thus the walking continued. Carcaroth felt more and more excited as he came closer to the Dome. What he could learn in there, who he would meet... it was all very exciting. And finally he stood in front of the gates. Taking a deep breath, he went through.

All righty, here we go:

Firstly, I bring up a sentence that is worded in a confusing way:

Walking to the Dome had been discouraged by many of his friends, but he had insisted to do so, as he meant it would be exercising.

This last bolded part here doesn't quite fit in the sentence--I can't grasp the meaning of it. Did you mean that Carcaroth just considered the walk to the Dome a good chance for exercise? Try finding a way to reword this so that you can get your meaning across more clearly. If you need specific suggestions to help with doing that, just let me know by posting here and I'll gladly assist you.

A small error is next, which I just point out to remind you to pay attention to punctuation:

You're foolish, you know that

There is a question mark missing at the end of this sentence. It should read as:

You're foolish, you know that?

Misspelling/typo here:

Ever since that day in the forest, where Carcaroth had been captured and almost sacrifised... Kerel had been like a parasite, showing up in his head at the worst moments possible.

The bolded word should be "sacrificed". Skim through your post to find and fix any other typos there might be.

Carcaroth continued to walk. And thus, in an instant, he stepped over. There was suddenly a hole in the ground, which he had put his foot into, and now he fell. And he fell hard. Yelling in pain, he saw that he had twisted his ankle. He wouldn't be able to walk.

"Stepped" is not a good word for this situation. I would suggest replacing it with the word "stumbled", which would make more sense with the word "over" following it.

Another error of word choice here:

And having a demon go into the Dome was as asking to get killed.

"As" doesn't quite fit here--the word "like" would be a better choice. When you're making these types of decisions about words, it's a good idea to read the sentence aloud and see what sounds right to you. The more you do this, the better you'll become at discerning what word fits best where.

There's an unnecessary word in this next sentence:

"Alright... just - fly to a spring where I can heal this ankle, and then you may fly to near the Dome. From there I can go myself."

Delete the bolded "to", because it's not needed when you have already used "near".

An unneeded comma and an improper form of a verb are used here:

The first thing the demon did, was giving himself a friendly pat on the shoulder.

There is no pause needed where the bolded comma is, and therefore, it shouldn't be there. Also, the "giving" here should be changed to "give". Again--read aloud to see where to place things and to hear what words sound correct. You wouldn't say "The first thing Sarah did when she got home was studying", because a verb ending in "ing" should never follow "did" and "was" in that situation. If you have any further questions about this, just let me know.

There are two errors here:

Inside his own head, Carcaroth suddenly felt something growing out his back. But as Kerel did not turn to see, nor could Carcaroth.

In-between the bolded "out" and "his" there should be the word "of". Something's not growing out his back, like a person grows out hair. Something is emerging out of his back, or from his back. Skim through your post for any other missing words, because I see at least one other mistake like this one.

The second error is that the bolded "nor" should be "neither". You use "nor" when you want to use "or", but in a negative way, and it generally comes after "neither" even then, as in "I ate neither the chicken nor the beef."

A commonly made error to point out next:

The Dome, in all it's glory.

The possessive form of the word "it" is actually "its", with no apostrophe. The bolded word you put is the contraction for "it is".

Another verb issue here:

Kerel waited a little, and then he began flew down. When they were safely back at the ground, Kerel left control to Carcaroth.

You can't have one past tense verb immediately after another like this. This sentence has to be changed to read either as this:

Kerel waited a little, and then he began to fly down. When they were safely back at the ground, Kerel left control to Carcaroth.

...or:

Kerel waited a little, and then he began flying down. When they were safely back at the ground, Kerel left control to Carcaroth.

...And that's all I'll point out for now. I think I shall be taking you as my own student, and at the moment you will be taught by my character Louis Fritz, since there are still some grammatical issues we need to take care of before we focus on other things.

When you finish fixing all the errors I've pointed out and whatever others you can find, I'll give you your next lesson.

Well, it's now edited ^^

Okey dokey, lesson time:

A pale-faced lady with striking red eyes will approach Carcaroth as he enters the immense lobby of the Dome, but he will not notice her immediately. Describe Carcaroth's reaction to the room first, and then to the woman as he becomes aware of her. Without so much as a word, the woman will thrust a map into the young man's hands, which will have directions to his new room--the only catch being that Carcaroth cannot read them without help from Kerel. Whether they cooperate peacefully or not, have Carcaroth finally reach his appointed room at the end of your post. No word minimum.

Carcaroth held his breath as he walked through the great doors. What met him was not what he had expected; A dark, quiet lobby, with only a few people spread around the room. All of them ignored him as he entered the room. He turned his head left and right several times. This was the Dome?

Don't let it fool you, kid...

Carcaroth was about to respond by his own voice, but kept quiet. People would get suspicious if he decided to talk to himself. He walked a little away from the entrance, before replying by mind:

What do you mean?

The Dome's rooms are never the same, y'know... that's what is so special about them. You never know what's coming to you.

OK... so now what?

Carcaroth suddenly became aware of a pale, strict looking woman, with red eyes. She was intimidating, and had a look so cold that anyone would be startled by it. She was by him in a second, and without a word she shoved something right into his arms. Carcaroth looked down at it. A map. The woman then walked away, still without a word.

"... what was that about?" Carcaroth asked himself.

A map, stupid kid. A MAP...

I know what it is, thank you very much.

It's probably meant to direct you to your room. Let's take a look at it...

Carcaroth folded out the map. Only one look at it made him lower it.

"What the hell?" he exclaimed, frustrated. "This has to be a joke!"

What's the matter, sugar?

The freakin' map is unreadable!

... oh, you're just pathetic... can't even read a map... I can't believe I chose you as a host, you're freakin' incapable of even reading maps! Swinging a sword is also something you need to learn... ah well, show me the map.

Carcaroth brought up the map again. Kerel was silent for a moment, and Carcaroth wondered if he was even there. But so, at last, the demon made a small cough inside Carcaroth's head, and he said:

Well, it's an interesting language... ancient, and now extinct. I wonder why they decided to give you such a map...

What does it matter? Just tell me where to go!

You know... I think they know I'm in here, in your body... I think they want you to COOPERATE with me...

Don't be ridiculous, you know that a demon can't be detected within a human body!

Not by normal humans, no...

Carcaroth went silent. Was it possible? Was Kerel discovered? In that case, why weren't they kicked out right away? Kerel waited patiently as his host thought about this. Finally, Carcaroth said:

Well, it doesn't matter, because WE need to get to wherever this map is going to lead us! Now, what does it say?

Why should I tell you, my love?

Kerel, stop it..!

No, I'm serious. What could possibly make me help you? I am a DEMON, remember? I have nothing called heart, and especially nothing called 'feelings', like you humans. Nope, this is gonna be hard...

Then I'll just have to do it myself, then.

Yah, I guess...

Kerel yawned inside Carcaroth's head, and the human could almost feel the demon smirk. He let out a small growl, and walked off to the first door he saw.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It was half an hour since Carcaroth walked through the first door. He had ended up in the main lobby five times, and the fifth time he gave up. He knocked his head rapidly upon the wall, thinking. He made sure he shut Kerel out of his thoughts, which he had learned during his life as a host. Kerel had began humming, which was not only disturbing, but annoying as hell.

May you shut up? I'm trying to think.

See? That's what you get for not knowing a foreign language...

Carcaroth bit his teeth hard together as he resisted the temptation to strangle himself. The demon was almost unbearable. He was rude, arrogant, evil, lazy and rude. How would it be possible to cooperate with him?

Carcaroth... you know what you do when you want people to do something, and they won't?

Not now, Kerel, I don't have time for lessons about persuading...

Bribe.

What?

Give 'em something they want. Give 'em something they want BADLY. Give 'em something that is valuable for 'em.

And if I don't know what that is?

Take a wild guess, then.

Kerel was as as sly as he was evil. He was using this as an opportunity to get his hands onto something - something - valuable... like a certain access to Carcaroth's body.

Forget it.

Oh, come on...

I am a HOST! For YOU! Not you AND your body!

I need my body, or else I'll have to fight in yours, and you are... weak.

Thank you, that made everything better.

Oh, snap out of it! You know as well as I do that this was bound to come!

Carcaroth knew. Demons could turn their hosts' body into their own, becoming far stronger and faster. However, this was as giving Kerel more privleges. Carcaroth did not like giving privilegies to the demon. But it was necessary.

... OK, fine... you may use your own body...

Nice boy. Now, bring up the map.

Carcaroth so did, and Kerel almost immediately continued:

Go through the door at the right.

Carcaroth hesitated a little, before finally going off. All he could do was follow the demon's directions.

And they were not wrong. No, Kerel gave him exact directions, as if he knew this route as well as his own pocket. Carcaroth sometimes had to go through the same door he entered through, and would then walk right into a totally different room. How Kerel could get all this information out of the map, Carcaroth did not know.

Finally, they stood in front of a tall, wooden door. Carcaroth waited for confrmation from the demon.

Yep, it's your room.

You sure?

Nooooooo... just go inside, fool!

And so, without any further questions, Carcaroth opened the door.

Let's begin:

A formatting issue first:

Carcaroth held his breath as he walked through the great doors. What met him, was not what he had expected;

A dark, quiet lobby, with only a few people spread around the room. All of them ignored him as he entered the room. He turned his head left and right several times. This was the Dome?

You can see I bolded a comma--that shouldn't be there. But the main problem here is that these two paragraphs should be put together, like this:

Carcaroth held his breath as he walked through the great doors. What met him, was not what he had expected; a dark, quiet lobby, with only a few people spread around the room. All of them ignored him as he entered the room. He turned his head left and right several times. This was the Dome?

There's a usage error here:

Carcaroth suddenly became aware of a pale, strictly looking woman, with red eyes

The bolded word should be "strict", not "strictly". You're looking for an adjective here to describe the woman, not an adverb. She looks strict--she's not looking at you strictly.

Small mistake here:

"What the hell?" he exclaimed frustrated. "This has to be a joke!"

There should be a comma in-between the bolded "exclaimed" and "frustrated", because you would rightfully take a pause there.

Typo/misspelling in this line:

It was half an hour since Carcaroth walked through the first door. He had ended up in the main lobby five times, and the fith time he gave up.

Should be "fifth". Check your post for any other typos or misspellings and fix 'em.

An issue with word choice here:

He knocked his head rapidly towards the wall, thinking.

The bolded "towards" would be better if it were changed to "upon". Carcaroth's not knocking his head in the direction of the wall, making advancements towards it with each knock--he's knocking his head on the surface of the wall. Be careful about your choice of words.

Since yours was a large post, I'll stop here and let you correct what I've pointed out before I continue on. ^_^

Now edited and all right (I think...)

All right, let's finish this up:

Misspellings/typos here:

Carcaroth knew. Demons could turn their hosts' body into their own, becoming far stronger and faster. However, this was as giving Kerel more privlegies. Carcaroth did not like giving privilegies to the demon. But it was neccessary.

The bolded words should both be "privileges". The underlined one should be "necessary". Skim through the rest of your post to catch any other misspellings or typos.

Verb tense issue here:

All he could do was following the demon's directions.

"Following" doesn't work after "was" here. It should be changed to "follow", as the phrase "all he could do was..." calls for that form of the verb. Read aloud this sentence to check what sounds right if you're unsure.

And that's all. Once you finish making those edits, proceed onto this next assignment:

Have Carcaroth enter his room, and describe it all; his first impressions, the layout, the colors, etc. Be creative--it doesn't have to be just a run-of-the-mill bedroom. After you finish your descriptions, have him spend one night there, and write whatever events you wish to take place during that night. When he wakes up in the morning, have him hear a knock at his door, but don't open it yet. No word minimum.

Carcaroth gasped. What met him when he went through the door to his room... was astonishing. A long, green, beautiful plain, and a peaceful forest, with a small spring and a river flowing through; great, white mountains lay in the far back, and the sun was high in the sky, giving a warming glow to the environments. Carcaroth walked a little out on the fields. He spotted a lone tree, and walked over to it.

Gee, a tree. How absolutely exciting...

"Shut up, you..." Carcaroth said aloud. He took another look around. There was a sweet aroma in the air... like wet grass, and roses. It made him a little drowsy, and he automatically sat down.

Aha... I see...

"Didn't I tell you to be quiet...?" Carcaroth muttered drowsily. He let the feeling of summer evening soak into his mind. He wanted to sleep.

Boy, is your willpower pathetic...

Carcaroth did not reply. He sat with closed eyes and enjoyed the environment. The birds singing, the leaves on the trees moving in the wind, the sound of the waterfall...

The waterfall? Carcaroth opened his eyes. He had not noticed the waterfall that had been hiding behind a wall of rock, but from where he sat he could see it clearly. The water looked nice and cold.

"I could use a shower," Carcaroth said to himself, and stood up. Kerel kept quiet as they approached the water. Carcaroth got out of his clothes, and took a nice, refreshing bath in the spring. He could feel the pureness of the water heal him, washing away his tiredness and giving him new strength. Just swimming around made his muscles tense, and his mind sharp. It was as if he had had a long, nice, refreshing sleep.

OK, get out of the water... NOW.

"Let me swim a little more, Kerel, I want to..." That was when Kerel had had it. He suddenly took control over the body.

Hey, what're you- ?

"There is a reason why everything is as it is, you brat!" Kerel said through Carcaroth's mouth. "They are testing you! You've been here in twenty minutes, and you are already a lazy prick which has lost all grip on reality!" Carcaroth realized in a second what the demon was talking about.

"What if someone had attacked? What if we had been caught off-guard?"

I don't know, I guess we-

"You're even more inexperienced that I thought! No wonder people let you in here; you're as dumb as you are weak!"

"Shut up!" Carcaroth yelled.

...what?

Carcaroth realized he was now looking at himself. Kerel had been facing the waterfall, and out of it stepped a perfect image of himself.

"What happened now?" Carcaroth said. The image of himself looked around and said, "OK, this is weird..."

"Kerel?" Carcaroth said, shocked.

"Really weird," the demon replied, while staring at his own hands. They looked at each other. They each had their own body. Kerel smirked.

"Well, seems that we can finally test you..."

"Huh?" Carcaroth said, surprised.

"Come on," the demon smirked, and he got out of the water. Carcaroth did as well. There was just one problem; there was only one set of clothes. Carcaroth looked at Kerel. "Don't worry," the demon said with a devilish smile. "I can go without."

Carcaroth looked at him, and then raised his shoulders before he got into his clothes. Kerel then smiled even brighter.

"Kah!" His muscles tensed, and he let out a small battle cry as he focused energy. There came a red flash, and Carcaroth gasped. There, where Kerel had stood, there now was a man with red, spiky hair, yellow eyes, a double-bladed sword, and red armor. Kerel's true human form. A powerful, evil aura surrounded him.

"Let's see how strong you really are..." The sun was now entirely gone from the sky. Darkness consumed the forest, and the moon appeared on the dark blanket of heaven. It lit up the grassy fields, and Kerel walked out upon it.

"Show me if you can dance..."

Carcaroth drew his blade. Was he going to fight Kerel?

"Haaaah!" he cried as he rushed. The demon took a battle stance, and swung the double-bladed sword. Carcaroth avoided the strike, and attacked. His blade met air. Kerel had ducked, and punched the human hard in the face. Carcaroth flew backwards, and crashed into the ground with brutal power.

"Ouch..." Carcaroth muttered as he gripped his nose. Blood poured out from it.

"Was that it?" Kerel said disappointed. His aura disappeared, and he lowered his sword. "You need training... and not from me."

"Grrr..."

But as they looked at each other, there suddenly was a flash of light. Carcaroth let out a cry of surprise, and fell backwards. He lay there, panting as he wondered what happened.

Aww, I'm here again...

"Kerel?"

Looks like the time is up... or whatever happened. Stand up, please... the view from here was a little boring...

Carcaroth got to his feet. But it was as if everything had changed in the flash of light. He was now surrounded by trees, with a stone wall in front of him where the exit was. Carcaroth turned his head, and spotted a bed.

Let's get some sleep. I'm sure you'll need it tomorrow.

Carcaroth hesitated, and then he walked over to the bed. It was big, and looked quity comforting. Carcaroth unequipped his sword, took off most of his clothes and got into bed. It was as if he had laid down on a cloud. "Nice..." he managed to say, before being dragged into a dreamless sleep.

~~~~~~

The sun shone brightly on the sky, the birds sang their song with merry voices, and the sound of water flowing filled the air. Carcaroth opened his eyes slowly, and let out a yawn. He sat up, and looked around. He was still in the forest.

You finally awoke...

"Yeah, live with it," Carcaroth said drowsily. He was about to get out of bed when he heard something. A knocking sound. From the door in the stone wall.

Someone was knocking on the door.

Sorry for all my delays. Let's start:

There's an unnecessary comma here:

What met him when he went through the door to his room, was astonishing.

You wouldn't normally take a pause there, so the comma isn't needed. If you do, however, want to have someone take a pause when reading this sentence to give it a touch of drama (in keeping with the feeling of astonishment Carcaroth is feeling), then handle it like this:

What met him when he went through the door to his room...was astonishing.

An ellipsis looks cleaner and is more appropriate for pauses like this.

Next is a suggestion for sentence structure:

Carcaroth gasped. What met him when he went through the door to his room, was astonishing. A long, green, beatiful plain, a peaceful forest, with a small spring and a river flowing through. Great, white mountains in the far back, and the sun high at the sky, giving a warming glow to the environments.

I'd combine some or all of these sentences with semicolons to improve the flow of ideas, making it read like this:

Carcaroth gasped. What met him when he went through the door to his room was astonishing. There was a long, green, beautiful plain, and a peaceful forest, with a small spring and a river flowing through; great, white mountains lay in the far back, and the sun was high at the sky, giving a warming glow to the environment.

If you have any questions about any of the changes I made in this passage, please let me know. Read both your version and mine aloud and see how some of the small edits improve the flow of the sentences and clarity of the ideas. Again, ask questions about anything you don't understand my reasons for changing for. I'll be happy to elaborate.

There was also a typo in that passage, which I have bolded and corrected in my version. Be sure to keep an eye out for any others.

Error in word usage here:

"Didn't I tell you to be quiet..?" Carcaroth muttered drowsy.

The bolded word should be "drowsily". It's describing how he muttered, which is a verb, so it requires an adverb, not an adjective. Adjectives only describe nouns--you're describing how an action was done, not who did it. It's "Aiko ate quickly", not "Aiko ate quick".

Small mistake here:

He sat with closed eyes and enjoyed the environments.

You don't need an "s" here. The word "environment" already encompasses everything.

And another small one here:

"I could need a shower," Carcaroth said to himself, and stood up.

The bolded word should be "use". Saying "I could need a ____" means you might need one in the future, and therefore would want to pack it in a suitcase or whatever so that you have it for that time.

One more here:

He could feel the pureness of the water heal him, washing away his tireness and giving him new strength.

Bolded word should be "tiredness". Look for other errors like this.

Sentence structure error here:

There, where Kerel had stood, there now was a man. With red, spiky hair, yellow eyes, a double bladed sword and red armor. Kerel's true human form. A powerful, evil aura surrounded him.

The bolded sentences should be combined, so they read as:

There, where Kerel had stood, there now was a man with red, spiky hair, yellow eyes, a double bladed sword, and red armor. Kerel's true human form. A powerful, evil aura surrounded him.

I'll pause there to let you fix up everything I've pointed out so far. Post here when you're finished and I'll continue.