[Drewey] Damion Lionheart’s Training

Ooc: Okay here we go. Now be gentle. I bruise easily. This is for Damion. The link is in my Signature.

Bic: Damion Lionheart was cheerfully coming down from a mountain range. His favorite type of landscape. He enjoyed the leaping from ledge to ledge high in the air. As he came sliding down the last slope to move on he thought. “There’s nothing to do anymore. Haven’t had too many good fight lately either. Why can’t there be a challenge for me to deal with. I thought the world was filled with adventure”. He soon found the challenge he had just wished for, sadly no the type he was expecting. He had continued across an open grassing field with the wind slightly blowing giving this perfect afternoon that last touch. He could keep walking forever it seem like. Until he came across an obstacle.

He gave a frown to what had appeared to be a river. The gap was quite large so there was no way to jump across. He then sat down and thought for a moment. “Man, more water. Why is it always water? I feel like my parents are trying there best to get me back home, setting up booby traps of nature for me to come across. “ He sighed reminiscing on his younger days, the trouble that rivers had always caused him. How his father had always enjoyed fishing. This constantly lead to falling over board and almost drowning. Tried as he might to lean how to swim Damion never did find his sea legs. To him they must have gotten lost at the third tree on the road. “ Well, guess I need to do this eventually.” Damion then looked about the landscape. In order to find a solution. He then looked over at a near by tree. He walked over and snickered. “Hehehe, this will do nicely. Time for a little Damion ingenuity.” He then proceeded to pull out his sword from the strap on his back.. He then began madly chopping the tree. Every slash came from a different direction. The chops weren’t even hitting the same spot. Chips of wood flew off I every direction like bullets letting off from a pistil. He then knelled down and wiped the sweat from his brow. He looked at the tree now breathing heavily and slowly got up. He backed up a few steps and rested for a moment. “Okay, time to finish this” With that Damion jogged a few steps and let out a small jump kick. It was just enough to finish the tree off and sent it tilting over across the river.

He dusted his hands off and let out a proud smile from his idea. He thought to himself, “Man, brains and brawns. I’m really something aren’t I? I’m not heading home any time soon” He then proudly sheathed his sword and boldly walked across the log. With his sureness of his newly created bridge he foolishly began leaping along the tree. This lead to an unfortunate fall, as the tree gave way to the pounding and Damion fell into the river. He panicked as he was left helplessly being pulled down stream. He running out of oxygen had to think quickly. He started off by getting a strong grip in a crack in the river basin. He held on tightly as the water pulled and strained his arm. He then thought, “This is bad. I know, I climb up the flat sides of the river…..flat?!” Damion then realized that by some cruel joke the sides of the river instead of being rocky and scalable were unusually flat and vertical. His mind raced a his options as his lungs became tighter and tighter. He then came up with an idea. It was his only chance. Damion aloud one hand loose of the river bottom. He then concentrated on a spot on the wall a little further down. Within a few moments small latter like bumps had appeared on the wall. He had pulled the stone out war enough so that it was scalable. With his last efforts he let go completely and then reached for the side. He franticly grabbed around and got hold. He then used the last of his strength to climb up and lay himself out on the land exhausted.

Damion laid there for a few hours thinking to himself, “Am I really still alive?”. His mind shifted about with thoughts of what he has done with his life. Maybe he should begin taking it easy? After all he is so young and has so much time to do it all that it could be time for him to go home. But obviously he dashed these ideas. “He, I made it out of that, I can make it out of anything.” He then gets to his feet lettering out a yawn from the warm glow of the sun drying him off. He could have napped in the field all day but then again, there is water near by. He then heads along the assumed to be river and pondered, “Why were the sides smooth like concrete or something? I mean I don’t see why anyone would want water flowing anywhere except” Damion then realized that this must be some irrigation system or at least a reservoir. He though for a moment ending up clogged ins someone’s posit if he actually floated all the way down. He then let began historically laughing. As much screaming as he did he could have probably got down stream much faster and made it out fine. As Damion continued thinking of the possibilities he came across a sigh. It read ”Ahead- Battle Done”. He pictured in his mind what sort of battle dome they were talking about. “Hmm, a huge dome with legs, claws, and a sword.”. This only aided in his laughing fit and even more his curiosity. He decided to go investigate. As he continued down the path things become a lot more rugged at the ground became very uneven and soon hard to maneuver in. He eventually came across a man completely covered. Like he was hiding his face, sneaking through the shrubbery creeping along the path. One hand extended forward as if ready to grab something or someone coming at him. The other tightly yet nervously held a short curved blade trembling. Damion snickered at the man knowing he was expecting trouble. So he decided to see if he was expecting him.

Damion casually walked by the man as he emerged from the shrubs and greeted him. “Hey pal,”. The man immediately turned his attention to Damion and gave him an angry glare. He said to Damion “What is it that you want!? Can’t you se that I am busy?!” Damion replied, “Doing what? Watching babes change? He well your not going to have any luck here.” The man turned his eyes away as if ashamed. Maybe that was his intention after all. He the replied,” Grr I have no time for such foolishness. I am trying to get somewhere!” Damion snickered to him, “Really were? Some ninja convention? Because when I was walking up the path, I didn’t see you at all in the bushes”. The man became even more enraged , “Look, I’m giving you one last warning, if you hold me up from getting to the battle dome before anyone else does I’ll kill you”. Damion’s eyes widen as he began to laugh very hardily. “Ha! Battle dome you say? Well lucky you I’m headed there right now!” The man’s pupil’s widened as he jumped high in the air. Maybe even fifty feet. He let out in a roar, “I won’t have any competition for getting in! Your dead foolish boy!” Damion franticly thought about what to do. He then reacted the only way we could at the moment. He quickly pulled out his sword and at the last minute held it out to block. In that instant the man came crashing down with his blade at full force.

Sadly for him, it was too much for even him to handle as his blade bounced off of Damion’s and was sent flying in the distance. The area went dead silent as you could hear only hear the chirping birds flying overhead. It even appeared time had even stopped for the rushing water. The man stood there wide eyes and speechless. With that Damion finally came to his senses and sheathed his sword. He then looked to the man and cracked his knuckles with a victorious smirk on his face. His teeth shown as he then started saying “I’ll give you to the count of” and before he could utter another word the man had quickly vanished off into the distance. Damion continued his toothy grin as he went down the road and was glad that he himself didn’t rely so much on his sword but in his mind thanking the kind man who had given it to him. Without it Damion would surly have ended up having a twin, though that would have left him only a half of his former self. Within minutes he had come upon a huge field and in the center lied a huge dome and the sign that read “The battle dome, congratulations you have already qualified to become the doormat.

...

Crap. I had a whole dang thing written up and lost it. So in short, I want to point out a few things before I give you your first lesson...

1. Your begining was boring. Try using some of these things for the introduction, to hook the reader:
-Dialogue
-Exclamation
-Question
-Who, what, when, where, why
2. You have way too many sentence fragments. Try connecting them with commas or elipses. (...)
3. You start with 'he' too much. It gets bland and boring. Try using 'the man' or 'Damion'. Also, near the end, you start with Damion too much. Try switching some to 'he' or 'the man'.
4. It would make a lot more sense of thoughts were italicized, instead of in quotations.
5. Punctuation marks for speech go INSIDE the quotations, not outside.
6. Some of your word usage is wrong. Check on spelling if you're unsure, etc.
7. You explained cutting the tree in much detail, and that was a bit boring. Why don't you try expanding on him falling off the log? It's much more exciting.
8. There should be only one quotation of dialogue in a paragraph. If you want to have something else in dialogue, press 'enter' and start on a new line. However, if it is a DIRECT continuation of what the character was saying, you do not necessarily need to go to a new line.

Oh, and it might have been niced if you had asked if I would be your teacher, first. =P But s'all good.

Fix all of those things, and if I find it satisfactory, we can move on. Post in here when you're done, or send a PM.

Ooc: Like this?

Bic: “Whoa!” The man cheered coming down the mountain, quickly sliding and swerving down the slope he was soon approaching flat ground again. Damion was almost to the fresh grass land. His eyes along with his shades glimmered from the morning sun. “Man, it’s so fun this should be illegal!” His joy soon came to a stop as he slipped and roughly tumbled downhill landing on his back. He got to his feet, slightly dazed but mealy shook it off. He then thought to himself,

Maybe that really should be against the law. The man then laughed about the whole incident as he continued forward, to where? Not even he knows the answer.

Damion gave a frown to what had appeared to be a river. The gap was quite large so there was no way to jump across, then sat down and pondered for a moment. “Man, more water. Why is it always water? I feel like my parents are trying there best to get me back home, setting up booby traps of nature for me to come across.“ Damion sighed reminiscing on his younger days, the trouble that rivers had always caused him, how his father had always enjoyed fishing. This constantly lead to falling over board and almost drowning, tried as he might to lean how to swim Damion never did find his sea legs. To him they must have gotten lost at the third tree on the road. “ Well, guess I need to do this eventually.” Damion then looked about the landscape in order to find a solution. He then looked over at a near by tree. He walked over and snickered. “Hehehe, this will do nicely. Time for a little Damion ingenuity.” He then proceeded to pull out his sword from the strap on his back. He then began madly chopping the tree, chips of wood flew off I every direction like bullets letting off from a pistil. He looked at the tree now breathing heavily and slowly got up. He backed up a few steps and rested for a moment. “Okay, time to finish this” With that Damion jogged a few steps and let out a small jump kick. It was just enough to finish the tree off and sent it tilting over across the river.

Damion then dusted his hands off and let out a proud smile from his idea. He thought to himself, “Man, brains and brawns. I’m really something aren’t I? I’m not heading home any time soon” He then proudly sheathed his sword and boldly walked across the log. With his sureness of his newly created bridge he foolishly began leaping along the tree. More and more he tempted fair jumping back and forth. The man even had the gull to do back flips. All this fun was a little too much for karma to handle This lead to an unfortunate but inevitable fall, as the tree gave way to the pounding and Damion fell into the river. He panicked as he was left helplessly being pulled down stream, running out of oxygen. Damion had to think quickly. Starting off by getting a strong grip in a crack in the river basin. He held on tightly as the water pulled and strained his arm.

He then thought, “This is bad. I know, I climb up the flat sides of the river…..flat?!” Damion then realized that by some cruel joke the sides of the river instead of being rocky and scalable were unusually flat and vertical. His mind raced a his options as his lungs became tighter and tighter, then an idea came to mind. It was his only chance. Damion let one hand loose of the river bottom. He then concentrated on a spot on the wall a little further down. Within a few moments small latter like bumps had appeared on the wall. He had pulled the stone out war enough so that it was scalable. With his last efforts he let go completely and then reached for the side. He franticly grabbed around and got hold. He then used the last of his strength to climb up and lay himself out on the land exhausted.

Damion laid there for a few hours thinking to himself, “Am I really still alive?” His mind shifted about with thoughts of what he has done with his life. Maybe this kid should start taking it easy? After all he is so young and has so much time to do it all that it could be time for him to go home. But obviously he dashed these ideas. “He, I made it out of that, I can make it out of anything.” and with that he then gets to his feet lettering out a yawn from the warm glow of the sun drying him off. He could have napped in the field all day but then again, there is water near by. He then heads along the assumed to be river and pondered, “Why were the sides smooth like concrete or something? I mean I don’t see why anyone would want water flowing anywhere except” Damion then realized that this must be some irrigation system or at least a reservoir. He though for a moment ending up clogged ins someone’s posit if he actually floated all the way down. He then let began historically laughing. As much screaming as he did he could have probably got down stream much faster and made it out fine. As Damion continued thinking of the possibilities he came across a sigh. It read ”Ahead- Battle Done”. He pictured in his mind what sort of battle dome they were talking about. “Hmm, a huge dome with legs, claws, and a sword.”. This only aided in his laughing fit and even more his curiosity. He decided to go investigate. As he continued down the path things become a lot more rugged at the ground became very uneven and soon hard to maneuver in. He eventually came across a man completely covered. Like he was hiding his face, sneaking through the shrubbery creeping along the path. One hand extended forward as if ready to grab something or someone coming at him. The other tightly yet nervously held a short curved blade trembling. Damion snickered at the man knowing he was expecting trouble. So he decided to see if he was expecting him.

Damion casually walked by the man as he emerged from the shrubs and greeted him. “Hey pal,”. The man immediately turned his attention to Damion and gave him an angry glare.

He said to Damion “What is it that you want!? Can’t you se that I am busy?!”

Damion replied, “Doing what? Watching babes change? He well your not going to have any luck here.” The man turned his eyes away as if ashamed. Maybe that was his intention after all.

He the replied,” Grr I have no time for such foolishness. I am trying to get somewhere!”

Damion snickered to him, “Really were? Some ninja convention? Because when I was walking up the path, I didn’t see you at all in the bushes”. The man became even more enraged ,

“Look, I’m giving you one last warning, if you hold me up from getting to the battle dome before anyone else does I’ll kill you”. Damion’s eyes widen as he began to laugh very hysterically.

“Ha! Battle dome you say? Well lucky you I’m headed there right now!” The man’s pupil’s widened as he jumped high in the air, Maybe even fifty feet.

He let out in a roar, “I won’t have any competition for getting in! Your dead foolish boy!” Damion franticly thought about what to do. He then reacted the only way we could at the moment. He quickly pulled out his sword and at the last minute held it out to block. In that instant the man came crashing down with his blade at full force.

Sadly for him, it was too much for even him to handle as his blade bounced off of Damion’s and was sent flying in the distance. The area went dead silent as you could hear only hear the chirping birds flying overhead. It even appeared time had even stopped for the rushing water. The man stood there wide eyes and speechless. With that Damion finally came to his senses and sheathed his sword. He then looked to the man and cracked his knuckles with a victorious smirk on his face. His teeth shown as he then started saying “I’ll give you to the count of” and before he could utter another word the man had quickly vanished off into the distance. He continued his toothy grin as he went down the road and was glad that he himself didn’t rely so much on his sword but in his mind thanking the kind man who had given it to him. Without it he would surly have ended up having a twin, though that would have left him only a half of his former self. Within minutes he had come upon a huge field and in the center lied a huge dome and the sign that read “The battle dome, congratulations you have already qualified to become the doormat.”

Superbly amazing introduction, lugeas! A few things I would like to point out, that could still use some polishing, though.

-Thoughts are in ITALICS, not new paragraphs. XD Some were still left in quotations.
-Words after quotations are't capitalized unless it is the start of a new sentence or a characters name.
-Again, you left a little present tense in there.
-Somewhere in there, you put 'historically' whereas it should be 'hysterically'.
-Some spelling is messed up in there.

Basically reread it and fix it once more, but since you're so close, I'll go on anyways. By the way, I really liked your ending: (Congratulations, you have already qualified to become the doormat.)

BiC:
"Hey, you!" shouted a young woman with eccentric red hair. She had been waiting for the past hour for a young man to show up, named Damion, apparently. Glancing at the slip of paper she had received, she figured that the boy’s descriptions matched that of the one standing by the sign.

Damion whipped around, eyes locking onto Nenet as she stepped out from behind the building. He took a few cautious steps backwards. “Who are you?”

Nenet, laughing heartily, and beckoned him over. “I, Damion, am Nenet Miniya, and I am your new teacher.”

“Hold it. How do you know my name, and teacher for what?” Damion inquired cautiously, visibly edging away. A lump rose in his throat, indicating he was gulping.

“Don’t be scared, kid. The best of the best warriors and mages train here, and hon—if you aren’t good, then you wouldn’t have wandered here.”

“But anyone can wander here.” Damion stated bluntly, slightly loosing his reluctance to stay.

“Only the people we allow, Damion.”

“Oh.”

“So, before we get too acquainted, I have something I want you to do for me.”

“And that is…?” Damion inquired, brow arched and hand on chin. He shuffled his feet in the dirt.

“Head up to that tower, up there,” Nenet paused, pointing upwards to refer to an extremely tall tower, “to the very top. Up there a pigeon should be waiting, or soon to arrive. Retrieve its message.”

“That can’t be too hard!”

“Oh, but it is. I’m not going to tell the guards I’m allowing you up there. You’ll have to be sneaky.”

“…great…”

Ooc: How long have I been gone? Like ten years? Well it’s obvious you just couldn’t wait for me to come back. XD. Okay to the tower I go. Oh and if you want me not to post in two difrent parts just tell me and I'll take this down. I just need to put something up after so long. This is just one part.

Bic:: Damion looked up at the large tower looming over head as the women went off. He stood there with a stupid look on his face thinking to himself. A nice looking women comes up to me and tells me to climb a tower? And all for a pigeon? He shook his head in disbelief at the whole situation. It was like he was trapped in some fairy tale that just likes to make turns for the stranger, still, he found the time to laugh that he had just stumbled into what he had been looking for. Adventure

Damion then made his way towards the large base of the tower. He looked cautiously at the entry way and rubbed his chin for a moment. It couldn’t start out that easy he thought. The boy then curiously stuck his head around the corner of the door. He glanced to the right and saw nothing but a curved hallway. It might actually turn out to be easy. Still that state of mind changed when he turned his attention to the left. He looked in terror as a huge menacing guard stood against the wall. Almost more beast then man. His mouth spewing drool exposing teeth. He had a huge build, muscles coming from everywhere. And to make matters worse he was covered in thick body amour. I though this might get ugly was all that was on his mind now. He slowly stepped back quietly away from the door and back outside. He needed a plan or else he would just get picked off right here. He then looked about and tried to get an idea for what he could use. Going a few yards away he discovered overturned soil. He examined it to find some small rocks. He sighed as he collected a few along with some dirt that he stowed away in his pocket. He then took greater notice to the exterior of the tower.

As he looked at the massive structure he viewed in aw the massive amount of stones used to put it together. It must have taken decades to complete such a feat. And even longer to scale it. Along the round exterior of the higher main tower he viewed various windows and ledge. Useful knowledge for later but at the time it wasn’t helping him out any. He then approached the doorway once more and looked about it to find some way around the behemoth. He then noticed a reachable ledge to the left of it. He smirked now coming to a plan. Damion quickly made his way to the ledge and quietly as possible pulled himself up. He then took out one of the rocks from his pocket and griped it in his hand. He then pulled back and flung the rock hard at the entrance making a loud noise. This quickly alerted the guard who came dashing outside. Damion then looked at the guard slowly patrolled the area outside trying to find the intruder who was mere feet away. As he moved a little further off our resourceful friend found his chance. He quickly jumped down and ran into the entrance and carelessly running around the corner.

After making his get away he made a mental note. Don’t assume all guards are that dumb is what he remembered. During his frantic pace he glimpsed out the corner of his eye a piece of old wood put into the wall but ignored it and continued down the long hallway. Soon enough another guard not as large as the other one came running at him. Damion’s eyes opened wide as he had already been discovered by his foot steps. The guard then held a spear up and tossed it at him. With seconds to spear he quickly dropped to the floor and slid beneath his legs. The guard quickly turned around to stomp him but sadly he was greeted by a foot to the face. With his hast to turn about the guard was acquainted by Damion’s leg raised in the air. He staged back at the surprise of the blow whilst Damion wasted no time. After leaping to his feet and unsheathing his sword he saw the guard attempting to escape to a piece of wood in the wall. He broke it open reveling a rope. Damion growled at what appeared to be an attempt to escape. In a rage he sledged him in the head with the flat side of his blade sending his opponent to the floor in a daze.

Now with curiosity showing Damion temporarily ignored the fallen guard and looked at the compartment that held the rope. He looked inside and saw the rope going up leading to the bell with several passages spreading out. Thinking to himself what it could be he was stunned coming to the conclusion it was an alarm. Ringing the bell would have alerted everyone to his arrival and leaving him no way out. He sweated for a moment considering what could have just happened if he didn’t act to quickly. He then though Now I have to react quickly to this guy on the floor. Damion looked up the hole once more and first crawled his way inside. He then reaching his sword sliced the rope leading to the bell to prevent another incident like this. As he slid down the tight squeeze he then turned his attention to the guard once more. What to do with him. Leaving him there to wake up later and tell everyone of what happened wouldn’t be such a good idea. He then looked down at the rope he had just cut and another idea came to mind. In a matter of minutes the guard was soon left tied up. Damion then continued dragging the guard slowly along the way till reaching a stair way. After a few minutes of struggle pulling him up the steps Damion came to an outer deck with an opening to the main complex. The true tower. He had not time to take another dazed look as he quickly dragged the guard to one side of the outer tower and then himself began his way up the spiral stairway.

Mmaky. Point one.

-Women indicates a bunch of females. Woman indicates one. Big difference.
-At the end of the last sentence of paragraph one, try putting a hyphon (—) before adventure, and decapitalize it. It makes it look cleaner.
-'Almost more beast then man. His mouth spewing drool exposing teeth. ' are two fragments. Try connecting the 'almost' sentence the last with a hyphon or an elipse, and maybe change spewing to spewed.
-I'm sure you meant 'aw' as in amazement, not as in the soothing coo. In the case you are thinking of, aw is spelled awe.
-Now that I continue reading, I notice more fragments. Try connectiong them to previous sentences with hyphons and elipses.
-At one point you continually start sentences with 'he then'. Try starting sentences differently.
-I see an error with word usage or two. See if you can catch them.
-Stair way is one word.