Aldazar and Luce

Aldazar looked around opening in the forest. This was the spot. The place where Luce had promised to come to. To train Aldazar.
Aldazar was a skilled fighter. However, not good enough. Something Luce had discovered... Alazar had never really seen the man, he had simply got a message from Luce that told him to meet at this spot. Luce was late. As expected.
Aldazar stoo there, ready to spring any trap that could be there; ready to fight him if needed. He did not trust Luce at all...
Then he saw a shape moving in front of him. Luce had arrived...

OoC: Here we go. We begin the lesson. First, you use OoC: before anything that you are saying and not your character. Once you finish saying your part, you skip down a line and put BiC: for back in character and continue the post. I am sure that you know by now how to write basically. I will throw out some examples of how you can mix up sentence structure and make it more interesting to read. Examples:

Compounding: Aldazar looked around opening in the forest. This was the spot. The place where Luce had promised to come to.

This is correct, but you could also do: Aldazar looked around opening in the forest, it was the place where Luce had promised to come to. <--- this makes your sentences less monotonous and more diverse.

Combining and rearranging: The place where Luce had promised to come to. To train Aldazar.

This is less than correct, as he statement "To train Aldazar" is not a full sentence. To make it full, you could do: The place where Luce had promised to come and train Aldazar, or The place where Luce had promised to come to. He was going to train Aldazar here.

The last example for now is: Aldazar was a skilled fighter. However, not good enough. Something Luce had discovered... <--- the last two sentences here are fragments.

To make it whole, you can do: Aldazar was a skilled fighter, however, not good enough. This was something Luce had discovered...

When writing two sentences that are closely connected or are incomplete, you could always combine them with ; or , and/but/because. You can also use link words if they aren't in there, like for example if you had put: Aldazar was a skilled fighter, but not good enough, but would be the linking word because it would be a sentence and a fragment without it. Now I'll begin.

BiC: "Aldazar, right?" Luce asked, standing behind him. Aldazar had not seen him move at all, he had just seen the shadow of the man, and then he was behind him. No time seemed to pass in the young man's head and he didn't even have the reflexes to defend himself if he had to.

OoC: Here you can see that I substituted saying Aldazar with saying "young man." This a skill that you can use to break the repetition of saying the same thing over and over again. Also, notice how I used Luce asked instead of Luce said? Well, said is a very lame descrive word and should be avoided as often as possible. Here is a list of better words:

Words for said:
Argued
Articulated
Asked
Asserted
Babbled
Barked
Bellowed
Claimed
Commented
Communicated
Confessed
Consulted
Conversed
Coughed
Cursed
Cussed
Declared
Denounced
Dictated
Estimated
Expressed
Gasped
Gesticulated (More for gestures than for speech)
Growled
Guessed
Gulped
Hailed
Hypothesized
Imparted
Indicated
Insisted
Lamented
Mouthed
Performed
Pleaded
Pledged
Praised
Presumed
Posit
Postulate
Pronounced
Quacked
Questioned
Ranted
Read
Remarked
Sang
Shouted
Stated
Sobbed
Sounded
Sung
Swore
Teased
Thought
Uttered
Vocalized
Worded
Yapped
Yelped
Yipped

And that's just SOME of them. Now post and try to use some of the stuff that I put up. You should also get into the habit of typing up first in MSWord or a program that can see spelling mistakes, it always makes things easier to edit.

OoC: Okay... Let's see what I can make of these advices...

BiC: What??? How??? those were the thoughts in the head of Aldazar.
Never before had he seen anything like it. If that was simply a part of what he could learn; then he could be invincible.
"Yeah; Aldazar is me," was the only reply the stunned man could think of. The man that called himself Luce just stood there, looking at a man that could've been dead before even knowing what had hit him.
Gaining self control again, Aldazar started thinking.
"Why are you here??? Why train me??? You could've killed me; and you didn't. Why???" the words left his lips before any attempt to stop them was made.

OoC: Okay… Let’s say that’s enough for this round…

OoC: Ok, here we go, just try not to use double or triple punctuations like ???

BiC: Luce looked at Aldazar, not answering any of the questions. He removed his spear silently and slowly circled the warrior, observing his body and what he could possibly do as a pupil. "Alright, I heard from a friend of mine that you have some potential, and because of a recent problem with my previous apprentice, I think that you should do nicely... that is if you are up to it," Luce stated, looking Aldazar in the eyes.

"A-apprentice? What do you mean by that?" Aldazar asked, thinking why this guy suddenly wanted to make a student out of him.

"Well you see, I am Lucien Spearseten, Grand General of the Crusaders of Helios. I was trained by the sorcerer, Shareyu Golx. That was a while back when I was a Buffalo Viking. He trained me to use my body at 100% capability, making me five times stronger than all other regular humans. If you didn't know this already, then I'll let you in on something about yourself: yours and all humans' bodies only work at 20% efficiency because the brain has not completely developed; this is product of evolution. Eventually we will become more efficient, but we are far from it. I was able to bypass this and become the perfect human, now I want to know if you wish to achieve this, and if you will allow me to teach you."

OoC: One last thing that I noticed was you actually overused the ; because I told you it would help against the run-ons. The thing is, it does, but you only are supposed to use it in place of ", and" or ", but". For example:

"Aldazar sheared off the head of the opponent with such force that the blood made the neck literally explode; this amazed the bystanders."

or

"Aldazar sheared off the head of the opponent with such force that the blood made the neck literally explode, and this amazed the bystanders.

Either is correct, but you should always use the ; in a sentence with more than one comma if you have to.

Is this a writing lesson, or a battle?

OoC: Okay... I'll do my best.

Is this a writing lesson, or a battle?

I believe this is what you may call a writing lesson, yes.

BiC: Aldazar was shocked. Never before had anyone dared talking to him in this kind of way. But still this guy, this Luce, talked about making an apprentice of him as if it was nothing out of the ordinary at all.
"You will not be able to make me your aprentice as easy as that. I am a free man. A free man."
Luce still did nothing but circle around the much younger man, and he could see a conflict in his eyes.
The struggle within of old came once more, and it was all Aldazar could do not screaming out. He had gotten himself rid of those things a long time ago, he had been promised that they would disappear!
Maybe this Luce really could train him. Maybe Luce could make him a better fighter, even make the struggling able to live with. This was what Aldazar would call interesting. Very interesting...
"All right; I accept."
Deadly silence lay over the forest.

OoC: Well, Bloodsword, this is TECHNICALLY a lesson, but it is going to be in the form of a battle. The lesson part if ooc and the battle bic. It's kinda like using the actual material to make a more effective lesson ^^

BiC: Well then, I want you to show me what you can do. Attack me with everything you have; do not worry about my safety, as I will block it all," Luce explained.

OoC: Basically saying let me see what you have when you are describing an action scene.

OoC: Let me try this fighting now...

BiC: That was everything Aldazar needed. He had already seen an opening. Throwing his bow and cloak away -those things would just be in the way- he drew his knives and sent the first straight at Luce's throat. A mistake was already done. As Luce dodged and came for him, Aldazar would have only one knife to fight with. However, Luce had said that he would stop every attempt that the young man tried.
Luce didn't attack, he just kept blocking every attempt Aldazar did. How was this possible? Even with one knife, Aldazar could crush this man! As he went into the sacred forms of the knife, he suddenly saw an opening in the defence. So Luce though that he was invincible, did he now? Well, he wasn't! First one kick with the left foot to put luce off-guard, then he trust the knife at the man's wraist...

OoC: Let's see now. The fighting has started...

OoC: Great!

BiC: "What?" shot out of Aldazar's mouth as he felt two arms seize him from behind. The knife was perfect, how the hell could this be? He was quickly thrust around to stare right into Lucien's eyes.

"That was good for somebody who cannot move at eighty miles per hour," Luce smiled, placing Aldazar's other knife back into his hand. "I want you to try and make your way through these woods and find the clearing filled with red haze. If you can brave these woods than I will show you how to become five times what you are." With that, Luce disappeared.

OoC: Now what you have to do is make a post of Aldazar journeying through the forest. Preferably make it long and have him come into some sort of challenge, be it puzzle or battle. Don't let him reach the clearing yet though.

OoC: Okay, I'm back... Journey through the forest, eh??? Sure. Let's see now...

BiC: As he was walking in the forest, Aldazar felt angry. He never felt angry; but now he did. Who was this Luce, and what was his intention? The only reason why he did this was to learn that. And, of course, to become a better fighter. Somehow he really trusted the older man. It just felt... right...
Suddenly Aldazar saw movement in front of him. Could it be Luce? He truly dubted it. So he took out his knives, and went to the place the movement had come from. Nothing.
Because of the mist in this forest Aldazar couldn't see anything ten feet away. He kept the knives at the ready. There was something sneaking around him, but it was hiding.
Suddenly Aldazar got an idea. As he ran straight forward, the shadow at his left side; he threw himself up in the nearest tree. It was down there, sircling around him. In one flash the first knife went into the shadow, and the next straight after.
It had to be dead now. It had to be. Aldazar didn't want to meat anything sneaking around him when he didn't know what it was. As he got down, he found his knives. But nothing else. Not even blood...
What? This wasn't possible! He had hit it! Aldazar looked around in the mist; suddenly feeling a bit of fear...

OoC: Ok, this is just going to be an OoC post, as I have nothing to say with Luce at the moment.

Originally Posted by rand

BiC: As he was walking in the forest, Aldazar felt angry. He never felt angry; but now he did. Who was this Luce, and what was his intention? The only reason why he did this was to learn that. And, of course, to become a better fighter.

Problem 1: You cannot use a ; before but. As I explained earlier: semicolon is used to replace , and/, but. What you did was "He never felt angry, but but now he did." To decide whether or not to use a semicolon or a comma, you should plug in ", and" or ", but".

Problem 2: NEVER START A SENTENCE WITH AND! Ahem... if you can start a sentence with "and" then you can sperate it into two sentences with a semicolon.

Originally Posted by rand

Suddenly Aldazar got an idea. As he ran straight forward, the shadow at his left side; he threw himself up in the nearest tree. It was down there, sircling around him.

Problem 1: "As he ran straight forward, the shadow at his left side; he threw himself up in the nearest tree." First off, you never really explained how the shadow got next to him, but that is no big deal, as you can choose to describe as much or as little as you want and still be correct. Second is how you did ",the shadow at his left side;". that fragment is not necessary to the meaning of the sentence, as it is only a description to further the understanding, so you can enclose it in two commas as I did in the middle of this sentence. Instead of the semicolon use a comma so that the reader knows that you can remove that and still have a complete sentece. That is actually a big lesson, though, so pm me if you don't understand it.

Problem 2: Circling I believe is what you meant to say when you wrote sircling. Spelling isn't something you can just *know*, so you should use a spell check on each of your posts to keep up good spelling. Learn from your errors and soon you will see much less mistakes in your writing. One word of advice: use only spell check and not grammar check, as the grammar check is completely untrustworthy.

Originally Posted by rand

It had to be dead now. It had to be. Aldazar didn't want to meat anything sneaking around him when he didn't know what it was. As he got down, he found his knives. But nothing else. Not even blood...
What? This wasn't possible! He had hit it! Aldazar looked around in the mist; suddenly feeling a bit of fear...

Problem 1: *Cough* now this is a non-spelling related error. Spell checks would not pick that up, as meat is a real word. There are certain words that sound alike, but are completely different, so be careful. What you meant was "meet", not "meat". I am sure you know that ,though.

Problem 2: You placed two spaces after "As he got down,". It's hard to notice, but you should always try and look for small errors like that, as reading it over never happens to let you see your errors. Of course, when I read it I saw it, because that's just how it seems to work. ^^;;

Problem 3: Similar to above: NEVER START A SENTENCE WITH BUT! If you can start a sentence with but then you can connect it to the previous sentence.

Problem 4: That last semicolon can be a comma, as it would not make sense to say: "Aldazar looked around in the mist, but suddenly feeling a bit of fear.".

I am assuming that most of this is review to you, but it never hurts to re-learn. ^^;;

OoC: Yeah. Sorry about that one...
I was in a bit of a hurry, and you've already seen the result...
But (you can use but in the start of the sentence) if you just wait a couple of days, then I'll edit it to make it a bit better...

OoC: Haha, yes. I did forget to mention the times that you can use but at the beginning. My mistake if you used it correctly last time, I had just gotten home and this was the last thing I wanted to do ^^;;

OoC: Okay, here I am again at last. I know it's been too long, but I have finially returned.
To be honest, I don't think I'll change that bad post at all, I'll just have to make the next ones better instead...

BiC: Enough. Aldazar wouldn't feel fear for a thing he didn't see, he had lived that way in many without the fear in years; why should he be afraid now? As the man slowly walked away from the tree, he sheated his knives. It was time to find Luce again.
This was all a test to see how he would handle it, nothing else. Luce couldn't fool a man like Aldazar in that way. He had almost done it, but not quite.
As he walked in a direction he believed was south, Aldazar saw that shape a few more times. He didn't care. As long as it didn't attack him, he didn't care. Luce would aswer to this. Sooner or later, Aldazar would make him answer to it...
All of a sudden, the young man found himself on an open space in the forest. Blinking against the sun, Aldazar saw. He saw Luce standing not 50 yards away.

OoC: Great! Not a single error.

BiC: Suddenly, Luce was no longer so far away. He stood before Aldazar once more with a smile on his face. I wonder what this guy thinks I am up to, he though with a chuckle. "Alright then, you have found me. If I was informed correctly, you will accept my offer. I have a little stone that I found, and it can generate quite a bit of power. It is yours if you will do something for me?"

"Do something?" Aldazar asked, irritated with the man but intruiged by the stone.

"There is a path over there that leads out of this forest. I want you to take it and follow it all the way through the plains and mountains until you find a flaming platform. I will await you there where you shall battle me for the stone. My true purpose is to find an apprentice, and I want you to have that honor," Those were Luce's last instructions as he disappeared.

Aldazar was confused and annoyed. What right had this man to consider himself more powerful than Aldazar? He would take the stone and prove to Luce what he could do!

OoC: From here on you can do whatever until you reach the platform. Fill it with adventure and danger. This part is to test your description and progression skills.

OoC: Actually, I got nothing to say... You just wait for the continuation...

BiC: This Luce was beginning to go Aldazar on the nerves. First he get Aldazar into the dark forest, then send him away; and when Aldazar finally find him again, what happens? He goes off again!
This wasn't anything Aldazar was used to, people used to be afraid of him. But this guy was different. He wouldn’t back off.
Then he was back to reality once more. He had to find that stone. However much he hated it, Aldazar needed it. So he started down the path toward the edge of the forest.
The forest itself seemed a bit brighter already. Was that fog something Luce had done? He didn't care. Not now, and never again. That guy seemed of a world unknown for the young and inexperienced Aldazar; but it wouldn't be that way for long.
Suddenly the thick forest gave way for great green plains, farms, and a village a mile off. Beyond the village Aldazar saw the shapes of huge mountains splitting the world in two. That was where he had to go. Not into the village, around. There was no time to loose. Luce was probably waiting on that platform of fire already.

Aldazar started running.
He could outrun most men, and the village soon drifted past as the evening sun came down the horizon. He would reach Luce in no time at all.
As night crept on, Aldazar ran. The green plains gave way for total darkness. All night he ran. And with the dawn Aldazar reached what seemed to be a way up in the mountains. The once again green plains, with farmers doing their harvest behind him, he started climbing. Luce would be surprised.

OoC: Whoa, I think you were smoking too much crack at the beginning of that. It got good, though, nice descriptions.

OoC: Thanks... I'll be back with more as soon as I can...

Whoa, I think you were smoking too much crack at the beginning of that

Just one question...
What do you mean about that...???

OoC: Haha, I'm just kidding. It just seemed like you were half asleep for that first part...

OoC: Remember; Aldazar has this weird problem with a struggle within his own head sometimes. He can have those moments sometimes. That has to be the solution, 'cause I have no other...

Anyway; Aldazar will have a few more problems up in the mountains. I promise...