The Unhallowed (4/3 and -4/3 Demons ONLY)

OoC
WARNING- This is going to be a rather violent fight. I don't mean that we'll be graphic in our descriptions of blood and gore, but the fight will be brutal nonetheless. Not to mention it will be flat out stupid.

BiC
Alvin stepped into the dark, quiet colosseum. Everything, as stated, was quiet and dark, with a hint of redundance in its description. It hadn't been used in years. It was abandoned after an incident years past, an incident consisting of a man, two fish, and a bar of pickled ice cream. Some things are better left unsaid. Few had been to the great arena since, and it was rumored that The Janitor lived there.

Alvin didn't believe in The Janitor. It was just a story to scare children, and thus stealing one of his greatest pleasures (which are few enough already). Why had Alvin come to this dark place, so dreary and full of dust and cobwebs? It was quite simple- it set the stage for a dramatic battle. Such is a world in which people wander around look for a fight, or maybe a Challenge.
Why had such a place been built in Hyrule? For the same reason that there are floating, glowing things in Kokiri Forest.

Alvin stood alone in the center of the arena. It was a bit chilly, but he had so much body fat that he didn't care. He stood there in silence, for no apparent reason other than hopes that someone smashable might come along.
A fly pestered him for a few moments until he finally swatted it.

Suddenly, he heard some rocks move across the ground.
Footsteps.
Alvin turned around to find none other than...

(OOC: It's on. Bring it. http://www.zeldauniverse.net/forums/...ad.php?t=31638)

Alvin turned around to find none other than... Earl, a -4/3 Demon who happened to be the one who messed up their blood's fraction. Alvin didn't know that... yet.

The guy in front of Earl look really familiar. Even Earl's Dire Rubber Duckie knew the demon ahead wanted to kill. Following the strategies outlined in Sun Tzu's Art of War, and in the 'Lil Big Book of War, and even in Baby's First Book of War, he taunted his enemy before attacking.
"You! Yeah, you with the face! You wanna fight? I bet I have 33.333333-repeating percent better demon blood than you, not to mention I'm negative! Whatever your demon blood ratio, I'll hit you with your reciprocal so hard you'll be seeing everything in a base 7 system!"

Alvin hadn't passed geometry. But he understood fightin'-words when he heard them. He turned around and prepared himself for the fight.

The Dire Rubber Duckie (which Earl never named) charged forward, not so much flying or running, but hovering about a foot above the ground, as if floating on a foot of water. It bared it's fangs, and it's bloodshot, red eyes fired a few laser bursts that didn't even hit the target in front of them: they just looked really cool and made some awesome sounds.
Just before the Dire Rubber Duckie reached its target, it was hit by Alvin's weapon with the force of a small truck. A tiny squeak escaped the ruby-red lips of Earl's faithful companion, and then it's squeaker was splintered by the sheer force of the impact. It blasted through the wall of the colosseum, spraying unrealistic amounts of dust unrealistic distances. On the other side of the colosseum, which of course was just as structurally sound as before, the Dire Rubber Duckie lay fallen, broken, silent, and the rubber slightly torn. As the dust faded for dramatic effect, Earl watched the carmine glow slowly dissipate from its eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Earl screamed, and as he did so, he jumped at a 45 degree angle into the air, spinning his flail-axe around in a blur above him. His jump was so fast that everything around him blurred into lines of various shades of red. He came down on Alvin with such speed and force that...

(Edit was fixing a tense issue)

...they broke through the ground, leaving a large crater. Alvin was hurt, but not badly enough to fight. In fact, Earl's actions through Alvin into one of his infamous Rather Cliche yet Violent Fits of Rage. He grabbed Earl by the collar bone (you pick which one) and threw him off.
Roaring, Alvin jumped in the air. His collision with the floor caused pebbles to jump. He dropped his mace for some odd reason and grabbed Earl and slammed him against the wall. With nothing but sheer malice in his side, Alvin began to pummel his foe. Again and again he struck him.
He heard multiple bones snap (oddly, this included a few toes), and laughed, enjoying what was happening.
Finally, he stopped. Laughing, he stepped back.
"pwned!" he cried in triumph, turning around and raising his arms in the air. Idiot.

It was here that Earl made his move.

OoC: Sheesh, that wasn't very good, but it should get better as the fight continues.

(OOC: Long one, I know... I get into these. The edits were yet more late corrections.)

"Newb," thought Earl.

Recalling his druidic training, he snapped all his bones back into place, painfully and cleanly, by wiggling his left ear. Turning around slowly, Alvin was temporarily confused by the large crunch sound Earl's bone correction had caused, and Earl used it to his full advantage by channeling everything he had into a single pound of Alvin's gut. Earl could feel all the damage he was causing through his thin glove. Alvin crumpled slightly and kneeled forward, resting on a knee and trying to remember how to breathe. Earl drew his swords simultaneously. Hearing the metal leave the sheath and recognizing his weak position hunched in front of his enemy, Alvin simply threw his weight forward as fast as he could, slamming Earl in to the wall behind him.

Earl's offhand weapon fell to the ground. Not only had his head hit the wall a bit hard just then, but also he had been mentally unprepared for that attack. His eyes were giving him nothing but blurry images. He couldn't focus...

He saw his best friend's face...

Things were slowly coming back to him...

He realized the season premiere of O.C. was on that night and he forgot to set the VCR...

He saw Alvin was taking these precious seconds to recover his lungs from Earl's blow...

It was almost back to him...

He saw the highest prime number...

He saw Alvin grab the sword off the ground...

Reality hit him just in time to prevent his opponent from doing the same. Quickly, he --

--did something so incredibly amazing, that Alvin and Earl were so shocked that they were unable to move for nearly an entire year. How wondrous was Earl's move! How sublime! It was simply astounding that he was able to perform this! Words cannot possibly describe how glorious his technique was!

Finally, Alvin snapped back into reality. It was time to reveal his new technique. This technique was so powerful, it had left marks in Alvin's fingers! Roaring, he charged Earl, and decked him right in the face. Time stopped. The background changed to something weird. Earl fell back in slow motion, his scream echoing throughout the room.
Finally he hit the ground. Alvin laughed as Earl struggled back to his feet.
Alvin and Earl's eyes locked with burning hatred.

They made weird growling/groaning/moaning noises, representing their bitter hatred of one another. It's awesome.

Suddenly, Earl did something no one could expect.

Earl set himself on fire.

And then he died.

And then the body exploded.

All the while, he was laughing.

And all the while, the CNN theme was playing.

Alvin was so confused - his face was so contorted in pure and unrivaled confusion - that his face twisted itself beyond its limits in order to try and give a visual display of the sheer bewilderment inside him.

And then his face froze that way. Just as Earl had planned.

When Alvin realized his face was stuck, he realized immediately what had happened. Earl had pulled the old 'face-twisting confusing CNN-style feign death move'. How could he have been so unprepared to defend against it?

Earl, completely intact since it was all just an elaborate illusion, approached Alvin from behind. But Alvin countered brilliantly with a move that his mother had taught him. Without warning --

Alvin grabbed the Dire Rubber Ducky's corpse and proceeded to beat Earl with it, a squeak sounding each time it hit. Earl was shocked- Alvin had just used the ol' Beat-That-Jerk-With-A-Rubber-Ducky-While-Pulling-A-Minor-Retcon attack!
Even more amazing was that Alvin knew what "retcon" even meant.

Again and again Alvin struck Earl with the ducky, laughing all the way. Earl knew it was over. Blood streamed from his nose and mouth.
He couldn't fight any longer.
The darkness was clouding his mind... that sweet merciful cloud of death...

Suddenly, Alvin gasped. He stopped his fierce onslaught.
A new warrior was there. It couldn't be... he didn't exist... he couldn't exist...

It was the Janitor.

Immediately, the Janitor sped toward Alvin. In a flash, he grabbed Alvin's entire head with the mop. Alvin struggled to breathe.
It can't end like this...
Suddenly, the Janitor twisted the mop. A loud crack was heard, and Alvin's head was pointing at an odd angle.

The 4/3 Demon slumped to the floor without so much as a breath.

The Janitor turned to Earl.

Earl wet himself in panic once he realized what was going on. "No. Not again."

The Janitor stared right at Earl, who refused to move. The blood pouring down his face provided a convincing fake death.

Earl had killed dozens of minion and lieutenant janitors over the course of his life, often leaving him with wounds that would never heal and cleaning product stains that would never come out. But now he was already weakened.

This Janitor was different. His name was capitalized.

The Janitor was wringing out his mop in one of those yellow mop-wringing devices with 4 wheels and muddy water that all janitors have. Except this one had gold trim. And a tally count on it that covered all 4 sides and part of the handle. The Janitor added one more tally as the blood dripped from the mop.

Earl pulled out a pistol. He had to end his life now before the Janitor could turn to him.

He turned off the safety. The faint click made the Janitor stop moving completely. They both sat there in pure silence. Earl knew he had given himself away. The Janitor knew exactly where Earl was, the status of his entire physiology at that moment in time, and 11 different ways to kill him before Earl's spine would be able to initiate any reflexive response.


And the Janitor picked #6.