Lore

Foreword: This is a story not relating to any events or anything for that matter of or relating to the realm of Zelda, it is a completely different story written and created by me: I Mack. I have attempted writing this story down about twice here at these forums, and have failed, for one reason or another. Hopefully this time I will be able to write it all down. I hope you like it.

~Lore~

I swung the bag over my shoulder and turned the knob to the maple colored door. I pushed it open and picked my right foot up, and began to walk forward and down the hall. My breathing was heavy, and my eyes stayed fixed upon the floor I walked upon. My mind raced through the not so distant memories. His voice darkened the hollow caves of my mind: "As first act of king, I decree that Raunm Thomas Trentaghan be forever banned from the land of Longrauneth. And if he, or any of the children he may spawn, walk upon the holy soil of Longrauneth, they shall be slayed like the beasts they are."

I am Raunm Thomas Trentaghan, I am Longrauneth's disgust, regret, and hatred, all balled up into one blob of flesh and blood. I was hated there, in my home land, where I was next in line to be king, was being the key word. The one who now sat in the throne I would never sit upon was my brother, Hulian Juan Trentaghan. He was Longrauneth's fate, misery, and fear, all balled up into one blob of flesh and blood. He was loved, but at the same time feared by all of this land [Longrauneth]. He would be it's end. His mind had been twisted, played with, by a dark entity. And he sat in the throne, with Longrauneth's sacred crown worn atop his skull. He betrayed his mother, and his father, and I. "Pah, you still 'ere are ya?" a peasent asked rhetorically in disgust. "Filth." I muttered, not because of his social status, but because he interupted my thoughts. He glanced back at me, and spat on the ground, then continued on his promenade about Longrauneth Castle.

I was once loved by this country, I was once the innocent little royal boy people would gather around and adore. But then Hulian began to use a dark power. He began to play with mother's mind. Telling her things, making her believe lies. Then one day, mother went insane. She couldn't take it anymore, all the lies, words, visions, all of it just pushed her off the edge. And one sunny morning, mother walked out on her porch, on the fifth floor of the castle, and jumped. Some say they saw me standing in the shadows of her room, looking out as she jumped. In reality it was Hulian who stood behind his mother's death place. But Hulian made them believe otherwise, with his newly found dark powers. So by age thirteen I was hated by Longrauneth, I was hated by my father.

My dad one day, just, went beserk. He lost it, his grip, his mind, his rage just burst up into flames, and he grabbed my neck. Violently he threw me across the room, he hit me a good blow to the gut, and as I stood there bent over, I threw my fist into his crotch. He fell down, grabbing his groin, and I ran to the stairs. I tripped at the first step, and I stumbled down the stairs. The maid, Marie [she still trusted me], was awaiting at the bottom of the stairs, she picked me up and cleaned me off. A few moments later my father staggered down the stairs. He threw a bottle of wine at Marie's feet, and stumbled towards her. He grabbed her arm and threw her to the floor. I picked up a piece of the glass shards, and jammed it into his shoulder blade. He grabbed his shoulder and I picked another glass shard up, this time I cut his wrist. I pushed him over and ran to Marie. I helped her up and he ran down the hall. My father ran after. He was slamming his fists into doors, breaking windows, reaking havoc upon the castles halls. Until he fell over, grabbed his wrist, and died. "He lost too much blood." Marie muttered. She cried, and I stood there, looking down at my father. Hulian appeared at the end of the hall, and grinned evilly. "The people will know brother." he said. I ran at him, in rage and hatred, and he vanished, leaving me chasing after nothing. I fell to my knees and burst into tears, I had been stripped of all whom I loved, of all which I cared for, I had been turned into virtually nothing. And my own flesh and blood had done the deed.

A few days later, after Hulian was crowned king, he banished me. And I now walk down the hall, the same hall in which I killed my father, the same hall Marie lost all respect for me, the same hall Hulian turned me into a powerless being. I reached the end of the hall, and I managed to pick my heavy head up, and look at all the people standing in the marketplace, awaiting to see my entity leave. I looked back down at the floor, and continued out into the market place. I walked through the crowd, they all stared at me in hatred, some in fear, and as I walked out of the crowd, I turned around. I took one last look at them, at my country, at my castle, and then turned and left. I pushed the gate open, and closed it behind me, latching the lock. I looked before me, at the forest path, that lead to destinations unknown to I...
END CHAPTER

Oh, and C&C is much appreciated.

I'm not real sure what to say about this. Parts of it flowed well, but then I would hit a log jam of irrelevant fluffy stuff. I can see your trying to paint a grim picture of this characters life but things like: a maple colored door. Its a door. I dont care what color it is, unless it has something to with the overall content of the paragraph. But it doesn't, its just there waiting to trip over.

His voice darkened the hollow caves of my mind: "As first act of king, I decree that Raunm Thomas Trentaghan be forever banned from the land of Longrauneth. And if he, or any of the children he may spawn, walk upon the holy soil of Longrauneth, they shall be slayed like the beasts they are."

Don't hurt me for this, but I don't really think this is the way a King would speak if this was to be an official act of his reign. It should be more formal sounding and king should be capitalized since he is refering to himself.

example:"My first act as King is to decree that Raunm Thomas Trentaghan be forever banished from the land of Longrauneth. If he, or any of the children he may spawn, dare to walk upon the holy soil of Longrauneth, they shall be slain like the beasts that they are."

I'm not knocking the effort, I love to read original fiction. I read yours through to the end (twice to be sure I understood it) But parts need work, some of this rambles way off the point. Okay I'm done now...

Ah yes, the "unnesecarry" details, as you call them, I find in some way necesarry, helps the reader visualize a more vivid, accurate picture when reading the story. And all the other things not involving details were very much necesarry to understanding the story. It may not seem so now but to understand the story you need to know why his mom died, why his dad died, why Hulian is king, why he is feared, all that stuff. As for the king thing, um, I have not been to involved in monarchy lately, so shoot me for not being dead-on accurate. Also, Hulian is not after being the best, most merciful King, he's a power hungry being, he could care less if he sounds like a king or not.

~Lore~
The circulation to my arm died ever so quickly. The bag got heavier with each and every step. My eyes still stay fixed upon my feet, for my neck was much too weak to lift my heavy head. The hot sun beat upon my flesh much similar to when meat hits the cold ground. "Ridiculously odd analogy." I muttered. By now, I had been walking for a good hour or two. I had absolutely no idea where to go, for honestly, I had no where to go. I lived in LOngrauneth, in it's castle, but now, I lived no where. Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those rich folk who strive to be treated like a famous rich person again, I did not wish to be treated like God, I merely wanted a decent home, decent respect. I had done nothing wrong, I was inoocent, yet blood still stained the tapestry of my past, and for that I suppose forgiveness was as gone as father.

[ <-Graungthen ][ Halthumn-> ]
The signs before me read what you see above, the arrows indicating the path to take to reach the destination displayed. Halthumn had never had any respect for Longrauneth, so I turned left and began down the path to Graungthen. The discarnate entity watched me with eyes invisible to my own as I walked the path to the new land.
"You!" a voice called. I turned around, searching the trees for a life form capable of producing english.
"You're the boy who killed his fathar, gawd, you look so young to be a murda-rawr, how old be ye? Fifteen?" a man in torn, tarnished brown clothes inquired.
"Seventeen." I said, glancing back at him.
"My gawd, a strong stomach ye must have, to murder at such an age." he said.
"I actually didn't murder him, he was attacking the maid and I. It was self defense." I responded.
"Well then, how 'bout your motha? You pushed her from the ledge off the castle!" he said again, almost as if attempting to piss me off.
"She commited suicide, what you heard is a lie." I said, trying not to go beserk.
"Aye, a story likely that be, a story likely." he said.
"Look you grammar warped toad! I be not in a mood to cope with you and your nonsense. Be gone or I shall have to hurt you." I shouted enraged. Obviously, I had snapped.
"Hurt me aye? Ha, 'urt me will ya? Ha ha! I awfully doubt that, you have too much to lose, one more false move and you'll be banned from the throne of Longrauneth!" the idiot rambled.
"I have been banned. Not just from the throne but from Longrauneth's very soil. Now be gone!" I said, turning around and walking along the path to Graungthen once more.

"Figures. They told me you wouldn't be much of a fight." he said, turning around and limping away.
"Excuse me?" I asked, baffled by the man's previous statement.
"I fight in the Fist Knucklers Gang. I need five more KO's 'til I can b'come a actual memba. I was gonna fight ye, but obviously you aren't interested." he said.
"You wanted to KO the Prince of Longrauneth?" I asked.
"Well, I get mo' credit with the gang. Nothing against ye personally." he said, scratching his hind-quarters.
"Whatever." I said, and turned around. I kept on my way to Graugnthen, sick of caring of the man's life. I sighed, exhausted from the conversation, and from sheer exhaust.
"Sir, I'm so-" I started, turning around to face the man again. I was met by his man's foot, hitting me across the face. He then punched me in the gut, and bashed his hands into my spine. I fell, unconscious. I was merely going to inquire as to where the nearest Inn was, but of course that was no longer a possibility.
END CHAPTER

Sorry for the chapter, this is necesarry, I just didn't have enough time to add what I would have liked to. XP