Destiny (Poem)

This is my first shot at making a poem that isn't a haiku (I usually do them for kendo), so go ahead and be critical, I'd appreciate it ^_^

Gunshots in the distance.
Love and warmth have all passed.
No one fears
The saddened tears
When Death soon comes at last.

Is this what they call destiny?
Fate is our cruel master
Please Lord set me free
My heart is pulsing faster.

Children scream in the distance.
Hearts are broken by the knife.
No one cries
When their lover dies
They just run for their wretched life.

Is this what they call destiny?
Love is treasure of dreamers
I make a fortune just for me
Not for all the redeemers.

Fire burns in the distance,
Trees crash into the dust.
No one remains
To help the lame.
Is there no one you can trust?

Is this what they call destiny?
Power is the answer to all
Crush them as you please
Now that its time to fall.

Safety in the distance.
Heaven is where we dwell.
No one's in pain
Where the Angels reign.
God please don’t send me to Hell.

Is this what they call destiny?
I am but an innocent fool
Can no one believe
Its too hard to relieve,
and impossible to remain cool.

In the distance, in the distance.
Fire is no man's friend
Love is no man's company
No one left to defend.

---

Too depressing?

Actually, there's a few word usage errors

In line 2, it should be 'passed', not past
In line 4, you added an unnecessary apostrophe

Not really depressing actually. I'd say its more like a sincere expression of anxieties rather than a statement of anguish. Wonderfully healthy. Not the most poetic thing I've ever read, but it certainly says what it needs to and that's really all that matters. That and I set my standards too high anyway .

I really like it, felt really fast paced, now you make me wanna make music for it! uuuughhh....
good stuff rena, me gusta

Originally Posted by WiNdDjInNbOy

Actually, there's a few word usage errors

In line 2, it should be 'passed', not past
In line 4, you added an unnecessary apostrophe

Not really depressing actually. I'd say its more like a sincere expression of anxieties rather than a statement of anguish. Wonderfully healthy. Not the most poetic thing I've ever read, but it certainly says what it needs to and that's really all that matters. That and I set my standards too high anyway .

Hey, I said you could be critical , thanks for the advice...I don't speak english anymore so I guess I wrote a little hurredly and put past instead of passed, lol thanks again Wind ^_^ *fixes*, and you too Vacum ^_^

I like it overall. A bit fast paced, but some of my stuff is too, so meh.

Oh, and the "It's" in line 4 of stanza 8 needs an apostrophe. Apostrophe errors are common amongst even those who do still speak English.

its great except the last verse... i'd leave it out.... completely... possibly even the second last as well... I like the God please dont send me to hell as the end personally.... I think it'd have a better effect.

edit

yay inspired to make my own Dear God Please Speak

thanks for the inspiration, its been almost 2 years I believe ^_^

Wow, I don't know what everyone else is saying but its great. I love to write too, just not poems...you see the problem is that Im not good with the whole ''poetic feel.''

But overall I think its good.

-TFS

I like it. Style's good, rythm goes quickly, and the way it goes together...

Some of it did seem a little harsh, though. But that's probably just me.

there is nothing harsh about it... it's fine.

As I said, Mess, it's probably just me. I don't normally read this kind of thing.

wow, that is a great poem, im not bothered by the spelling or anything, its just great